Inspired by Morgan (monkey face19)'s "The Comfort of Pain"
This is the first time I've ever attempted to even think from Cecile's point of view, so this might be totally unbelievable. Lol. This takes place a little while after the events of Cruel Intentions, so everything's had time to set itself back into place. Sebastian is dead, but Cecile's thoughts are directed towards him. Re-reading it, this may seem a little too deep for a character like Cecile, but I decided that after going through all that, it gave her some depth. Just bear with me lol.
I can still feel it. That tingling sensation when you touched my skin, the burning need that would rise inside of me. Fingertips trailed fire along my sides, to complement the ice that never left your eyes. You were one big fat fucking contradiction, Sebastian, and I bought into it all.
"Everybody does it. It's just that nobody talks about it."
"So it's like a secret society?" I had cooed in response. I've replayed that moment a million and one times, and I hate myself a little more each time. I hate the hopeful tone in my voice, the brightness in my brown eyes, the puppy-like mixture of adoration and confusion alighting my pretty face. I hate it. In the mental picture, I claw my own eyes out, crimson streaks distort my clear completion, torn vocal chords and expressions of agony morph me… but not her. In my mind's eye, even in my fantasies of destruction, she remains immaculate. Perfect porcelain skin, intense green eyes, enviable physique, glossy hair. I know that I'm not alone in seeing her this way. Remember, Sebastian, I've read your journal. Even when you were so angry you couldn't figure out whether to strangle her or fuck her or both, you still saw her this way. A fallen angel, isolated and cold, beautiful face but mangled wings, her halo shattered into a hundred thousand painful pieces, yet still casting it's golden glow about her. This is it, this is her, this is who Kathryn Merteuil is and was and always will be, and she'll always be envied and adored, hated and loved for it. This is what you'd always wanted, this angel carved out of ice, this frosty bitch, this soulless beauty. Well, this is what I want now too. Something so forbidden that I'd do anything for it, so sinfully wrong that I can't stay away. I want something to surround me on all sides, to overwhelm me completely and make me feel. What you two had never came my way, and so it's darkness that fills this role.
I met Annette Hargrove. I fucking despise her. She was a nice enough girl at first, but then she handed me the journal. I'm not as dense as I seem. There was something in her eyes, something broken. They contained anguished screams and pent up tears and raw vengeance. We're not that different, Annette and I. We were both naïve, beautiful, golden, protected by the world and everyone in it. We were both drawn into you two, the glittering combination of all the deadly sins rolled into something beautiful and cold and untouchable. You touched us both, but we could never touch you back. Not in the way that counted. Not in the way that Kathryn could. We were both golden but you were black, and we both lost track of which was better. But now that summer's over, we sit side by side and our differences are glaringly obvious. She's pitied now, and I'm just pitiful.
The guys are all after me now. It's unanimous that I'm nothing compared to Kathryn, but I'm cute and I'm dumb and I'm easy. That's all they think, all they know, and all I care to let them know. When the darkness isn't filling me, something has to. Every night, it's another boy. He's nameless and faceless, but when he's inside me, he's you Sebastian. I can still feel my first time, the rush of blood and pain and your indifference to it all. This was nothing new to you, and now it's nothing new to me. When they're attempting to give me, naïve little Cecile, the fuck of my lifetime, it's you who I'm thinking of. I told you countless times that I didn't love you, I loved Ronald. I still don't love you, but every night, it's you above me, below me, inside me, around me, causing me so much pleasure and pain. I have no doubts that Kathryn's looking up at me from hell and laughing her bony ass off at all of this. She got her wish—Court's little princess is the blow job queen, the premiere tramp of the Tri-State area, and his heart was shattered. More like his ego. Its Ronald's heart that is shattered and he's the only one I have the slightest bit of empathy for. I've fucked him a few times since last summer. Each time, he thinks it's the start of something new. He thinks I'm coming back to him. Each time, he's wrong. I can still feel your handprints on me, Sebastian. They aren't the only ones, not anymore. But they still burn.
Reading your journal, society's final verdict was a resounding "Poor Cecile!" No one voices their second thought, "that little tramp." No one has said it out loud, but they've all thought it. Kathryn wins again. Everybody does it; it's just that nobody talks about it.
They all think you "stole my innocence", the two of you, you despicable duo. I find this funny. My innocence was anything but stolen. With a few words, a tantalizing grin, and a Long Island iced tea, I would've been on my knees begging you for it, if you hadn't beaten me to it. On second thought, maybe not. This is the tainted girl, the jaded whore that I've become, speaking. I was innocent back then. You two took that from me for your own amusement. I wish I could say that I resent you for it, for wrenching my eyes wide open and forcing me to see what the universe had been shielding me from. I wish I could hate you for stripping me of love and caring. God knows I hate enough as it is. But no, I sit here with a moronically large false grin on my pretty face, knowing that lust and power were almost better.
I hope that you and Kathryn have reconciled in hell. Together, you guys will probably be running the place. I wonder occasionally how damaged and tormented you left her for suicide to be the answer, but I know now that she was left not much worse off than I was. Anyway, I hope that you're done waging war by the time I join you. I'm positive that one of these days, my S&M sexcapades will be the end of me. I can hardly wait. And with what I've been pulling lately, I'm fairly certain that the fiery pit of eternity is where my soul will reside. Or, what's left of it, anyway. Periodically, I wonder how much longer Annette had left. That's all I ever think about, really. Sex and pain and death, and how all of them met so beautifully in you, Sebastian. She's been looking much thinner lately, and exceptionally pale. I'm not worried though. She'll end up in heaven, if only for what you and Kathryn did to her.
I think about you two a lot now. You were geniuses, in your own right. I hope you know that. As I think this now, I can feel a rough tongue prying me open, but your handprints are still welted into my flesh. Some stains just don't come off. I don't remember who this guy is, but I remember the look in his eye as he propositioned me. So far, it's been anything but gentle, and I vaguely wonder if tonight's the night. This thought excited me more than anything he's done. Was this how it was for you with Annette, Sebastian? Were you so desperate to feel something that you would do anything? Of course not. I don't even know where I got that idea. You had Kathryn, and she made you feel more for her than any other girl could ever hope for. That's what set you two apart. You were so in control of your emotions that you could make it appear you didn't have any at all. You were above and beyond weak human emotions.
So now I'm restless and I'm naked, and I know that it would be the most fitting ending to Cecile Caldwell if I just stopped breathing right now. You were right, Kathryn was right, society was right.
I'm still pitiful.
Hey guys. I'm not sure how this turned out, but the idea just wouldn't let me move on without trying it lol. Please please please review and let me know what you thought.
Yes, I am working on Breaking the Broken,chapter twelve. Lol.
Thanks for reading,