8-12 Helicopter? Village People?
We open up to rampant destruction already in progress, meaning The Littlest Psycho is having mucho fun. Teshik enters via front door.
Teshik: Hey morons, I'm ba..AAAAH!
He gets interrupted by a hail of spoons flying towards his face. Yes, spoons. He hits the floor, rolls over, grabs one of those many little decoration tables cluttered around the Manor and throws it towards the presumed location of the attacker. The table flies…and freezes.
Piper: (appearing in the doorway) Teshik! What do you have to say for yourself?
Teshik: That I -pant- really wasn't expecting -pant- a Spoon Demon?
Piper: What? No. I mean you almost hit poor precious Wyatt!
She lifts the frozen table out of the way and reveals that little Wyatt is in its direct flight path, standing innocently in the middle of the room…okay. As innocently as the psychotic little menace can actually muster.
Teshik: "I tought I taw a putty-tat"? Yeah. Pull the other one.
Teshik: Whoa. Who taught you that kind of sailor language?
Teshik: Oh. Oops.
Piper: See? I told you, you are a bad influence for my poor innocent little muffin.
Teshik: Yes, Piper, your firstborn is absolutely innocent. And Phoebe is still a virgin. By the way, while on the topic of children…
Piper: He's sleeping.
Teshik: Alas, poor Chris! I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite neglect.
Piper: Ach, stick it.
Suddenly, someone behind Piper speaks up.
Voice: Yes, I understand perfectly Piper. Taking care of Wyatt while Leo's gone…It is a burden no mother should endure.
A guy in Elder robes who certainly never appeared before, and certainly will never again, steps into the living room.
Teshik: Err, excuse me: Who the hell are you?
Piper: What they said.
Uselessus the IV: I am Uselessus the fourth, of the Council of Elders. Allow me to spout senseless exposition. This won't help you in any way locating Leo, and it will certainly not help you at all regarding your current storylines, since we're in one of those pointless filler episodes this season. Nevertheless, I will now at length describe in just how many ways we can't assist you in any way for no good reason whatsoever.
Teshik: You know, you look like a hobo. Are you a hobo? I think he's a hobo.
Piper: Shush. He said something about Leo, so I'm listening. Go play with Wyatt or something.
She shoos them into the solarium. The Psycho and The Author stand next to each other, avoiding the other's gaze. There is awkward silence.
Teshik: Uh…yeah. Although: It is a little too warm for this season.
Teshik: I agree.
Teshik: Oh, he's totally a hobo. Bet you the contents of the cookie jar he's one.
Teshik: You put the scorpions in there? You are a sick bastard, you know that?
Teshik: Touché. Sooo…we both know you only hit me with spoons because you were out of the other stuff.. So who were the lucky recipients of knives and forks?
Manor, upstairs. Phoebe is in the hallway, pinned to the wall between two doors with a massive amount of forks. There are also two forks quite deeply embedded in each breast, but she seems rather unfazed by that.
Phoebe: Hello! Anybody! Get me off here! (pause) Great. Note to self: Don't steal Wyatt's old clothes anymore. He does mind. A lot.
She tries to shake herself loose. She fails. The Fun Bags bounce, which causes the forks on them to wobble.
Phoebe: Let's see. The party starts in four hours. Knowing Piper, she's probably dry-cleaning the wallpapers in the kitchen at this point. How to pass the time…
The Fun Bags wobble again.
Victors apartment. The Master of the Household enters.
Victor: Boy, what a d...
He notices something amiss. He groans and rolls his eyes.
Victor: -sigh- Hello, little Chris.
He turns around, and reveals The Cutest Little Whale Blubber In Existence, pinned upside down to Victors entrance door with quite an impressive array of knives.
Little Chris: (squealing) Gim-Pa!
Victor: Yes, Grandpa. (begins removing the knives) Reunite with my daughters, I said. It will be nice to spend time with them, I said. What the hell was I thinking? -sniff- Ugh. When's the last time Teshik diapered you?
Back at the manor.
Teshik: I knew I forgot something. (pause) Wait a minute…It's Penny's turn this week!
Teshik: Whaddaya mean, "vacation"? She's dead, for crying out loud!
Teshik: Oh, whatever.
They walk back into the living room, where Uselessus is still busy earning his name.
Piper: Could we, like change the topic now? To the Leo topic, which actually interests me?
Uselessus the IV: Err… surely it must be extremely arduous for you to care for precious Wyatt - and that other one - all alone now. Feeding them, changing diapers, spending ridiculous amounts of time with him playing…
Teshik and Wyatt look at each other, nod, and disappear in the kitchen.
Uselessus the IV: And to keep you marginally interested, I note the fact Leo's the father of your children, to drop the name, and then, continue without even…
He gets interrupted by a flying cake in low altitude. Two other cakes join them, hitting him in the chest and the lower abdomen, respectively. Then, a large pillow orbs in directly over him, and a tiny pebble shot opens it. Thus, the ever-useless Elder gets caked and feathered. Piper turns around and sees Teshik and Wyatt pointing to each other, both trying to radiate innocence. Both aren't the slightest bit successful.
Piper: Uch. Why did you have to do that?
Teshik: We…um…are as surprised by this development as you are. Really.
Piper: Then why are you holding a slingshot?
Teshik: Because… Wyatt has a lousy aim?
Teshik: Still not convinced.
Piper: Look. Usually I'd agree with you, but that guy blubbered about dearest Leo, no matter how peripheral. So you two, apologize.
Teshik: I'm sorry Mr Useless Hobo Idiot.
Piper: Much better. (turns to Uselessus) Look, I really have to wash and starch those kitchen wallpapers, so could you actually get to a point in the immediate future?
Uselessus the IV: Oh, absolutely. Just a tiny bit more useless yammering…
Piper: (exasperated) Oy. Do you have info about Leo or not? Now.
Uselessus the IV: …Not.
Piper: Okay, that's it. Out with you.
Uselessus the IVDon't throw me out into the cold! I don't have a home!
Teshik: Ha! Told ya!
Piper: Here. (hands him a piece of paper)
Uselessus the IV: What is this?
Teshik: Instructions how to get to the Chuck Cunningham Boarding School. Say hello to Celesny once you're there.
Uselessus the IV: Who?
Teshik: Exactly. Bye bye now.
They shove him out of the Manor front door.
Piper: Finally. Now, off to those wallpapers. And to think, I haven't even begun disinfecting the ceiling! The horror!
She waltzes off to sanitize the house from imaginary cooties.
Teshik: You now owe me two suffocated scorpions and five rock-hard cookies. (pause) You know…we should do stuff like this more often.
Teshik: Evil? Nah. Totally morally justified, if you ask me.
Teshik: Don't be so disappointed. (pause) If it helps, it's technically still illegal to assault an Elder. Oh well. I'm off to the attic.
Teshik: Let's just say it would be totally unrelated to the Retard "accidentally" catching fire in her immediate future. And that I'm a bad liar.
Teshik: And this from a guy who barely even reaches my waist.
Hallway, second floor. Phoebe keeps herself entertained via bouncing FunBags. She doesn't notice Teshik at first.
Phoebe: Jingle Bags, jingle Bags, jingle all the way, what fun it is to ride the Feebs in the San Francisco Bay, hey…GAH! Teshik! Err… I was just, err, doing nothing embarrassing in particular, ehehe…
Teshik: You know, in every other household, I'd say you have some very disturbing hobbies. In every other household. (looks down at the two Funbags Forks) Erm. Doesn't that…you know…hurt?
Phoebe: Do I even have to pretend these are perfectly normal breasts, instead of saline implants with no feeling left whatsoever?
Teshik: No, not really. Though it does render the obvious joke obsolete I was about to make.
Phoebe: I'm positively feeling for you. But, you know what?
Phoebe: I'd feel even more for you if I wasn't pinned to the fucking wall with forks. Get medown already!
Teshik: What's the magic word?
Teshik: Nah, that was yesterday.
Phoebe: God, I hate you.
Teshik: (looks up) And she means it. Smite her, if you can.
Phoebe: Question? Where does this hate for humanity in you come from, anyway?
Bifi waltzes in from the attic.
Bifi: Hey guyssss!
Teshik: You gotta admit, her timing's impeccable.
Bifi: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, just hanging around…get me off here, goddammit!
Bifi: Oh, of coursssse…by the way, did anyone of you see a demon walk by?
Phoebe and Teshik look at each other for a second.
Teshik: (with thick British accent) Why yes, we had a stunning conversation regarding quantum physics with that charming fellow just a few minutes ago. Regrettably, he couldn't stay for tea, and went into Piper's room to indulge in his secret cross-dressing hobby.
Bifi: Oh. Okay.
She waltzes off into Pipers room. Phoebe and Teshik blink. Then Teshik begins to sob loudly.
Phoebe: Why do you keep insulting her? You know she's too stupid to notice.
Teshik: All my hate, for nothing! NOTHING!! WAH!
Phoebe: Oh, get down, you emo queen. Or even better: Get ME down.
Teshik: Such a carefully arranged insult, and she ignored me! IGNORED ME!
Phoebe: Yeah, being ignored. Somehow, I know that feeling.
Teshik: I have failed! There's only one thing I can do now.
Phoebe: Cutting the Phoebe loose? I'm pretty sure it's "cutting the Phoebe loose"!
Teshik: (draws out a Wakizashi) I will regain my honor now, by committing Seppuku!
Phoebe: Oh Christ, not again.
Teshik: Watashi ha Teshik Nakatani de aru. Kono ken ha watashi no meiyo motodoori ti sutu!
Phoebe: It will not! Bifi! Get your ass back here!
Bifi: (pokes her head out of Pipers room) But I haven't found my demon yet! (looks at Teshik) Ooh. Pretty sword. Although a little short. Shouldn't a Kadamma be longer?
Teshik, the Wakizashi raised in his arms, ready to strike, pauses.
Teshik: Assuming you mean the Katana, that one's used by Samurai in combat. The Wakizashi here is a shorter replacement sword, and the weapon of choice when committing ritual suicide.
Bifi: No, no, it has to be a Kadamma, alright. You just got your Chinese Swords mixed up.
Teshik: Katana. And Chinese swords are called Dao.
Bifi: No, the Dang is the Indonesian currency. Jessssussss, don't you know anything about Assssia?
He answers by slowly turning red. He gets up.
Teshik: Bifi? Short lesson. (pulls some bills out of his pocket) Ðồng. Vietnamese Currency. (grabs behind his back, presents a sword) Dao. Chinese Sword, worn by infantry. (throws the sword away, draws another out of his sheath at his belt) Katana. Sword of the Samurai. (picks up the discarded Wakizashi from earlier) Niten Ichiryū, fighting style with both short and long sword. (bows down a little) Ritsu-Rei. Bowing ritual before training and battle. Now: the precise moment I'm going to beat the shit out of you before you die.
He lets out a primordial scream, and jumps into the air, anime-style, with the swords held in attack position. He slices! He dices! He…
…gets reflected by a blue-ish shield emanating from Bifi, and lands flat on his ass.
Teshik: Stupid damn no-good no-killing Retard spell.
He lashes out with his swords again. This time, the swords get(ripped) out of his hands, flying through the hallway. The Katana embeds itself in quite serious proximity of Phoebe's neck, much to her discomfort.
Phoebe: Okay, we have to cut this short before someone gets hurt I care for. Namely, me. Bifi, we all know you're a retard, but didn't it occur to you that the demon can squiggle?
Bifi: So? All demons can ssssquiggle.
Teshik launches himself again at Bifi, more out of spite than anger, this time with the Dao. The girls absentmindedly watch his flight path, then continue.
Phoebe: Well, don't you think he would squiggle the hell away if you were, like, opening the crystal trap or something?
Bifi: I had that thought, now that you mention it. But Teshik saw him in Pipers bedroom, so…
Teshik starts another attempt. This time, he gets somersaulted over Bifi and flung into one of the bedrooms. A few seconds later, he emerges again - from a bedroom on the other side of the hallway.
Teshik: (a little confused) Stupid house.
Phoebe: Are you quite done yet?
Teshik: Hm. No. I might be out of weapons, but I'm certainly not out of ideas.
Phoebe: Y'know, I kinda lost the feeling in my arms by now. So could we cut the hijinks to a close, you get me down, and we finally get the A-plot going?
Bifi: Why? You're not in it this time, as far as I know.
Teshik: Yeah. Her, and me are meeting with Harvey…
Teshik: …whatever, and Paige in some random Bank. She didn't tell why.
Bifi: Oh my! What if she dessssperately needssss money? We need to find her before she pawns out her dear belongingssss!
She runs off. Teshik rolls his eyes, pulls the discarded Katana from the wall, mumbles a Whatever, and follows.
Phoebe: NO! COME B…ah, hell. And people wonder why I want to move out of this nuthouse.
Wyatt takes this moment to turn around the corner from the stairs (???). He is holding a cute little teddy and an even more cute little dagger. Phoebe contemplates for a moment.
Phoebe: Usually, I would try to blend into the wall as much as possible, hoping you don't notice me, but I'm desperate. Get me down. Pleeeeeease?
Phoebe: Oh, tons of things. I have so many things to offer.
Wyatt: -ROLLS EYES-
Phoebe: Very funny, you perverted little bastard. Even I have limits.
Phoebe: Yeah, but Chris was twenty. And I didn't know he was my nephew. Eww.
Phoebe: Fine, but he was twenty. And damn tasty.
Phoebe: And you are still not getting me off of here.
Phoebe: Uch…Pretty please with Cherry and Sugar on top?
Phoebe: Yes, I acknowledge your supreme right of ruling this planet.
Phoebe: What? Whaddaya mean, no?
Phoebe: But…but Cherry, and World Ruling, and stuff!
Phoebe: No. Piper'd skin me alive.
Phoebe: Okay. OKAY. FINE. I write you that stupid spell to bring your toys to life. (to herself) I'm gonna regret this.
The BANK bank. It has to be the BANK bank, because there's a sign in bold letters screaming "BANK", and what retard would leave out the company name in their sign? Innyway. The Author and the Twit meet up with the Spastic.
Paige: Hey Guys! Whatcha up to
Teshik: I hate you, your country, and everyone in it.
Paige(to Bifi): The hell?
Bifi: His Kadamma got confiscated.
Teshik: For a country which allows you to purchase guns via the local fuckin' Wal Mart, your policemen sure have a very constrained attitude towards melee weapons. (turns to Bifi) Katana.
Bifi and Teshik: What!
Paige: Aside from Teshik running around with Ka… err, swords, is there any particular reason you came to me?
Teshik: Yeah, well, duh. You told us to come. Did you catch your head in the freezer door again?
Paige: No. And no, I didn't tell you to come.
Bifi: But if you didn't, who phoned me an hour ago?
Attic, an hour ago. The Retard is torturing a random demon for no good reason whatsoever. Or, you know, to get information about her Demon Poo Sister. Same difference.
Possessor Demon: Argh! Please! I have no idea who the hell you are!
Bifi: Aha! You're lying! Everyone knows I am Bifi, Tweenage Witch!
She sets down the crystal, electrifying him. Then, her cell phone rings.
Bifi: Hold on a ssssecond. Hello?
Male voice badly impersonating female voice: I'm a COP! Err, I mean, err, hi, I'm Paige. Paige Halliwell. Not a guy pretending to be her.
Bifi: Oh, hi, Paige the male cop! How are you doing?
MVBIFV: I'm fine, thanks. Could you do me a favour and come to the BANK bank real quick?
Bifi: You mean the BANK bank downtown?
MVBIFV: Yes, exactly. She, er, I mean, I will meet you there. And take Teshik with you.
Bifi: Okay, ssssure. We'll be right over. -click- I'll just finish up with this demon…oh. Where'd he go?
Meanwhile, Somewhere On The East Coast.
Darryl: Yes! Yes! My brilliant plan is working! Due to their curious natures, Paige and Teshik will soon investigate the mysterious phone call, and follow it back here, to me! I will finally get my airtime in this season! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!
Back in the BANK bank.
Teshik: (shrugs) Oh well, whatever. Who cares.
Bifi: Oh, I remember now! We're here to keep poor Paige from pawning out her dear belongingssss, becausssse she's having financial trouble!
Paige raises an eyebrow at Teshik.
Teshik: Don't look at me, she's making this shit up as she goes. (pause) And If I was behind it, I'd give you a gambling addiction for a reason, at least.
Bifi: Paige has a gambling addiction! Oh noes! We gotssss to get her to an addictation clinic!
Paige: (rolls eyes) I do not have a gambling addiction, Bifi.
Bifi: And now she's lying to us! Paige, admit your problem, it's the firsssst step to recovery.
Teshik: Hold on a second. (He grabs in his pocket, fishes out a coin, opens the BANK bank door, and flips it away onto the street) Oh no. Bifi. Look. I lost my shiny shiny coin somewhere over there. I will never ever find it. Poor me.
Bifi: Don't worry, I'll fetch you your coin. I'm Bifi, I can do anything!
With that, she goes out to play in traffic.
Teshik: That never gets old. Although: the legend of the reckless city drivers mowing down innocent pedestrians is greatly exaggerated, I'm sorry to report.
We see several cars swerving and narrowly avoiding the oblivious Retard. There is quite some honking going on.
Teshik: See? Well…while we wait for some careless driver to become my new best friend, what're you really doing in the bank?
Paige: I'm doing something honourable and noble. See that guy over there?
Teshik: You mean Slampiece Harvey?
Paige: Henry. No, the other guy. That's Vito. He's a Veteran.
She looks at him expectantly.
Paige: He's a Veteran. You know? War?
Teshik: What's so cool with him being a Veteran?
Paige: Don't you see? He served our country. Everyone who served our country in some war is a Good Person.
Teshik: A veteran is a person who has been in a war. That really doesn't qualify him as good or bad. Plus, there's this whole "killing other people" issue.
Paige looks upset at this.
Paige: Teshik, Veterans are Good People, End Of Discussion.
Teshik: Hrmpf. Fine.
He pauses, then begins speaking very quickly.
The People Of Townsville: -gasp- !
Everyone in the bank now stares at Teshik with a look you normally reserve for "He killed the puppy!". One man in the background is clutching an American Flag, trying to hold back his tears.
Teshik: Oh, for crying out loud…
Paige: Eh hehe. Please don't mind him. He's from Old Europe. Those wacky European morals, you know…
The People Of Townsville: … "Ah." - "Okay then." - "Non-Americans sure are weird." - "Rhubarb, Rhubarb."
The people relax and resume what they were doing.
Teshik: You Americans have mastered bigotry as an art form. Just sayin'.
Paige: And Europeans are whining, self-hating hypocrites.
Bifi: Hey, I'm back!
Teshik: (holds out his hand) My coin, before I acknowledge your existence.
Paige: Can we move on with the plot now?
Teshik: Of course.
Paige: Anyway, Vito the Veteran…
Bifi: …who is a very Good People, Teshik, remember…
Paige: …wants to take up a loan at the BANK bank for the education of his son. And he needs someone to vouch for him.
Teshik: And so you vouch for this complete stranger?
Paige: No, I won't vouch for him, silly. Henry does.
Teshik: Who's…ah. Slampiece Harvey.
Paige: Henry. And he's my boyfriend. Vito's one of his parolees.
Teshik: And the reason you're here with him now is because…?
Paige: Well, isn't it obvious?
Teshik: Err…you're still an unemployed leech and since you don't have anything better to do, you went for a lunch fucking?
Paige: Yes. I mean, no! I mean…ah, goddammit.
Teshik: At least you're honest. Kinda.
In the background, the discussion between Henry, Vito the Veteran and an employee - Ben Benker of the BANK bank - reaches a certain noise threshold.
Henry: Whaddaya mean, no? Can't you see he's a veteran?
Veteran Vito: And it's not for me, it's for my son's education!
Ben Benker of the BANK bank: I'm very sorry Mr. Veteran Sir, but as long as you're not having the means to repay us later somehow, we can't give you money.
Veteran Vito: Okay, fine. FINE. I'll show you what we did in The War when people didn't want to give us their money!
He storms out.
Teshik: Well, that comment sure instilled me with confidence.
Paige: What do you mean?
Teshik: Duh. Isn't anybody concerned about the raging maniac who just waltzed out of the bank?
The People Of Townsville: -gasp-!
Teshik: (rolls eyes) I mean, isn't anybody concerned about the raging Veteran who served your country and who's also a maniac?
The People Of Townsville:-phew-.
Teshik: I hate you all. (looks down, tiny voice) But I also hate myself for whining and being a hypocrite all the time.
Bifi: There there Teshik. I'm Bifi, everything will be alright.
She pats him on the shoulder. He reacts as if bitten, and whirls around. He even hisses a bit.
Teshik: Do that again and die.
Bifi: How are you gonna do that with Piper'ssss sssspell protecting me?
Teshik: Well, for starters, I could throw you in front of that car over there that… isheadingdirectlytowardsusLOOKOUT!
Everyone dives out of the way of a car that suddenly decided to create a Drive-In Booth in the BANK bank. Teshik, true to his promises, tries to shove Bifi back into the danger zone, but Paige holds him back. She's an asshole.
BANK bank, aftermath. The gang disentangle themselves.
Teshik: I hope whoever pulled this stupid stunt suffered severe head injuries.
The car door opens, and Vito the Veteran steps out, holding a gun. By the way,
Dear Future Bank Robbers of America: Please try to imitate this idiot, because if you get stuck in your damn cars, and probably knocked out by the impact because you're stupid enough to drive into banks with your regular car, we can patiently wait until the police arrives. Thank you.
Veteran Vito: Alright, everybody, this is a hold-up. Hands up!
Teshik: I'm interpreting this as a "Yes".
Vito takes hold of Ben Benker, and wrestles him over to his booth - where everyone who hasn't been in deep space for the last century knows is the secret alert button in every bank - and tells him to pack some money for him. However, instead of, oh, JUST GRAB SOME MONEY AND RUN BEFORE THE FUCKING POLICE ARRIVES, he decides to stay and create a comfy little hostage situation where there's a high chance he and others will be killed today. But everything will be alright, because Vito is a veteran, and therefore, he is a Good Person.
Paige: I hate it when you use the stage directions against us.
Teshik: And I hate it when my characters break the 4th wall without warning me first.
Paige: If you try to be less hateful in your commentary, then I will not draw attention to it anymore.
Teshik: In that case? No. I realize he just shorted, but, for starters, creating a giant hole directly in the building where he wants to keep a shitload of hostages? That's just retarded.
Teshik: Not you.
Paige: Now, if we will just settle down and do what he says, everything will be sorted out by our nice and friendly police force. No one will get hurt. Not even Vito.
Teshik: Oh, come on. We're lucky he isn't a black guy, or they'd gun him down on sight.
Teshik: Shut it, I'm not in the mood for fake political correctness.
The Only African-American Woman in the Bank: Plus, he's right, you know.
Teshik: See? The Black Chick agrees.
Veteran Vito: Shut up, all of you! Over there! Into that corner where I can't hear you conspiring!
The gang settles down on the floor. Because the chairs next to them just aren't comfy enough.
Paige: Since we're going to be here for a while: These are Bifi…
Bifi: …I can do anything!
Paige: …and Teshik…
Teshik: …who hates Bifi with a fiery passion...
Paige: …and I'm Paige. It's a pleasure to meet y'all.
The Only African-American Woman in the BankMy name's Ashlee, and this is Cop In Disguise.
Cop In Disguise: My friends call me Cid.
Female BANK employee: I'm Beatrice Bink of the BANK bank, and my colleague who's being manhandled for no reason over there is Ben Benker.
Teshik: Is alliteration a requirement for your job?
Beatrice: No, but it helps.
Henry: (points at Bifi and Teshik) Didn't I meet you two in some food-poisoning induced coma sequence a week ago?
Teshik: Errr…No? You must confuse us, with, err, some other two hallucinations.
Bifi: No, no, he's right, we ssssaw him at that…OW!
Teshik: …that thing, that never happened. Like my elbow hitting Bifi. That never happened either.
Teshik: Until now, that is.
Henry: You're quite the violent fella, aren't you?
Teshik: Nah. Only when she's around.
Paige: Not that I want to distract you from those people you may or may not have seen last Tuesday, except that I do, but could we do something about the hostage situation thingy?
Cid: I agree, for not so obvious intentions that will come clear later.
Paige: Hush. Don't ruin the ominous foreshadowing, sweetheart.
Henry: Okay. Huh. You know, I've never seen him like this. It's like he just…snapped!
Ashlee, Beatrice, Bifi, Cid, Paige and Teshik: (making donkey faces) Uhh, DUHHHHHH!
Teshik: Harvey, you're a doll and all, but this Mr Stating The Obvious? So not your type.
Ashlee: Let's brainstorm for ideas.
Cid: I propose someone of you distracts the criminal for a moment while I fix this situation.
Ashlee: Care to elaborate?
Cid: No. It'd ruin the surprise, and the upcoming plot twist.
Ashlee: Oh. Okay, nevermind then. Maybe later.
Cid: Of course.
Teshik: I have an idea. Why don't we just waltz out the abovementioned giant hole in the wall while he's distracted with that banker guy?
Paige: No, we can't. We would leave the banker guy alone with him.
Teshik: And then, he'd only have one hostage instead of eight. Whom he can't kill, by the way, since it'd be his only chance of not being gunned down on sight. So, if we…what?
He realizes everyone is staring at him, making "tsk, tsk" faces. Even Vito and Ben Benker, in a chokehold, have turned around and poo-pooed this.
Paige: -sigh- What have I told you about arguing with logic when a plothole is required for providing drama?
Teshik: I dunno, but I do remember I didn't care.
Paige: Teshik, logic is not what we do in the Charmedverse, end of discussion.
Teshik: Hrmpf. One day I'm gonna take one of you back to my universe and see how you cope.
Vito and Ben turn around again and pretend they never heard the others.
Henry: I will go over to him and talk. Maybe we can settle this peacefully.
Paige: You do that, hon. Soo…anything we could do in the meantime?
Bifi: Oh! Don't worry, I have an idea, because I'm Bifi!
She then proceeds to grab the discarded handbags of her fellow hostages, and rummages around in them. She takes, among other things, a lipstick, some cigarettes, and a powder compact. She begins ripping apart the smokes and violently destroying the lipstick, munching everything together in the powder compact.
Everyone stares at the Retard.
Teshik: Uhhh…don't mind her. She lost most of her brain cells in an unfortunate hair-dryer-accident two years ago.
Teshik: Shut it bimbo.
Bifi: (hissing)But I can totally get ussss out of this pickle!
Teshik: (hissing back) By arbitrarily destroying other peoples property?
Bifi: No! It's a magical disssstraction!
Teshik: Bifi, no matter what the advertising industry says, these cosmetics aren't magical. Only expensive.
Bifi: No, silly! I'm whipping up a potion with the ingredients I've got!
Teshik: My sister and I tried that when we were little. All you get is a brown goo that sticks to the sink.
Bifi: That's just because you're not me! I'm Bifi, and it totally workssss when I do it!
Teshik (turns to Ashlee): Okay, to be honest with you: it wasn't an accident. She's a druggie, and hit herself with a PCP/LSD combo overdose. She's been wearing diapers ever since.
Henry and Ben Benker join the group. Vito stays at the other side of the bank, and instead of, oh, you know, DUCK BEFORE ONE OF THE THREE GAZILLION SNIPERS TAKES HIM OUT BECAUSE HE'S AN EASY TARGET, PLUS, HE SHOULD REALLY KNOW THAT STUFF AS A VETERAN, stands around and enjoys his angst.
Paige: You alright?
Henry: Yeah. But I can't quite get through to him. Oh, if only his son was here.
Paige: Hm. You know, I have an idea about that.
Teshik: Correction: I will have the idea to bail, not you.
Teshik: Because this subplot is so nauseatingly stupid, I'll rather be at the Manor with the shrew, the slut, and the murderous psycho. And to be honest, the probability of seeing blood is much higher with Wyatt than this gun-toting idiot (stands up) Excuse me, Mister Bank Robbery Veteran Guy? I, like, have to go to the bathroom. It's, um. Urgent. And stuff.
Manor, Sweet Manor. Teshik exits his interdimensional portal in the kitchen. Piper and Phoebe stand at the door, and peek into the living room.
Teshik: Hiding in the kitchen? Well, that probably means Wyatt has even more fun with his victims…I mean, friends, than usual. Are we still at the "which kid bleeds the best" contest, or already at the grand "we'll have a living piñata" finale?
Phoebe: None of the sort. We, uh…have kinda different problems this time.
Teshik: And what could be so bad to hide if it's not even bloody? Lemme see.
Teshik peeks out into the living room. We don't get to see what he sees, but we do hear
the Village People and their song Y.M.C.A. (it fits best if you start at the chorus).
Teshik: Is there any particular reason you invited the Village People for your son's birthday, Piper?
Piper: I didn't. He conjured them out of his toys. (casts nasty side-glance towards the Pheebs, who ignores it)
Teshik: Oh. Boy.
Phoebe: No shit.
Teshik: I really think he's trying to tell you something.
Piper: And that something would be?
Teshik: That, given what we already know about Tiny Gay Chris' deposition, you'll never have to worry about gifts for your grandchildren. Ever.
Piper: Are you implying something I don't want to hear?
Teshik: No, I am stating a fact you don't want to hear.
Piper: Humbug. My darling is totally normal. He just has an issue with Leo leaving, that's all.
Teshik: Please note the absence of acknowledgement about the existence of her second child.
Phoebe: Duly noted.
Teshik: Y'know, I'm still certain Wyatt's just disappointed with his presents, given that nobody fulfilled his "Weapons of Mass Destruction for the Conquest of South East Asia" wish.
Piper: Ah, poo. My lil' muffin was just making a joke.
Teshik: Uh huh.
Phoebe: Sure he was.
Piper: Et tu, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Piper, your son is a dangerous freak. Get used to it.
Teshik: Word. And this latest episode gets at least an eleven on the emotional scarring scale.
Phoebe: Hey, at least you weren't here when he gouged Mr Fluffybuttom's eyes out.
Teshik: Doesn't he mutilate his toys every day?
Phoebe: Yes, but this time, the bear could scream.
Teshik: Ouch. Well, it's been a… traumatic experience, but I gotta get back to my hostage taker before he feels lonely. Umm…you got a Zippo lighter for me or something?
Piper: Sure. (begins rummaging in a drawer) What for?
Teshik: I really need it to complete my subplot this episode.
Veteran Vito: Where the hell have you been?
Teshik: Err… Explosive Diarrhoea. (quiet, to himself) Well, I have a queasy stomach and the compulsion to vomit, so it's not a complete lie.
Veteran Vito: What?
Vito: Then, uh, go back to the other hostages! Move it!
Teshik: Whatever. Where's Paige?
Beatrice: We were feeling a little low on caffeine. And there's a Starbuck's next door.
Teshik: Isn't there always?
Ashlee: She'll get you a Latte. It's on me.
Teshik: Aw. You're a doll.
Veteran Vito: Look, you will sit down now or I will shoot!
Teshik: Ah. Ah. I'm totally frightened.
Ben Benker: Oh, just do what he says, hostage takers can get so annoying. Believe me.
Ashlee: This isn't your first time?
Ben Benker: The third. We have a support group meeting every Thursday. You could visit us sometime when this is over.
Ashlee: We'll consider it.
Teshik flops down to the floor next to Bifi.
Bifi: Don't worry guyssss, the current crissssissss isss about to be ressssolved. With my ssssecret plan that I can't tell you non-witches I ssssoon will …what the hell are you doing, Teshik?
She looks down at her jacket. Teshik is trying to light a Zippo in very close proximity to it.
Teshik: (not looking up) Trying to set you on fire? -flick- -flick-
Bifi: What? Are you planning a diversion?
Teshik: (still not looking up) No. -flick- I'm trying to set you on fire. -flick-
Teshik: Apart from the usual reasons? -flick- I'm bored, and my Katana is gone. -flick- Ah.
The Zippo lights up and a piece of Bifi's jacked begins to smoulder. She quickly puts it out with her hands.
Bifi: Cut that out! Now!
Teshik: (looks up, slightly irritated) No! -flick- -flick-
Bifi: Mr Hostage Taker, sir? Teshik is setting me on fire!
Teshik: Am not! This stupid thing is out of gas!
Veteran Vito: -sigh- I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea.
Teshik: Oh, what do you know. He actually has a brain cell.
Paige returns laden with a tray of caffeinated goodies.
Paige: Hey, I'm back!
Vito swerves around and aims his gun at her, panicked.
Veteran Vito Ahh! Where did you come from?
Veteran Vito: But I'm guarding the entrance!
Teshik: And you keep missing the giant gaping hole you created with your fucking car. Just like the two dozen police officers outside, I might add.
Veteran Vito: You're not really taking me seriously, are you?
Paige: Well, we certainly take our coffee break seriously.
Teshik: Wait, no sugar? Damn. (stands up) No, don't get up, I'll go. Anyone still wants something?
Ashlee: Could you get me one of those ham sandwiches with a little mustard please?
Teshik: Sure thing. Be right back.
Vito stops him by standing in the way and pointing the gun at the Author's chest.
Veteran Vito: You're lucky you're not a goddamn Hajji.
Teshik: And you, sir, are very lucky no one in the Middle East reads this crap. Now, if you'll excuse me…
Vito answers by -finally- taking the damn safety off his gun. This shuts everyone up, fast. Teshik slowly and unthreateningly retreats to his place.
Teshik: Paige? Please form a useful sentence out of these components: "fucking gun", "just orb the", "Why don't you".
Paige: It's not that simple. Aside from all those innocents, there are cameras all over.
Teshik: Well, try a workaround.
Bifi: Just orb the why don't you fucking gun?
Paige: Like what?
Teshik: Like, orbing the bullets out of the gun?
Bifi: Why don't you fucking gun just orb the?
Paige: That only works if I can see the object, or if the gun's not being moved. Not likely to happen.
Bifi: Why gun fucking you orb don't the just?
Teshik: You know Paige, as they discovered there was no brain activity in Terry Shiavo's head, they let her die. Just wanted to point that out.
Paige: For the last time, we're not euthanizing the Retard.
Teshik: Dammit. (pause) Not even a little?
Meanwhile, outside, masses of innocent bystanders and …. do exactly nothing whatsoever except worsen the budget crisis of the current season. I could also mention the Bad Actor, I mean, Demon of the Week standing around and failing to look sinister. But since even the writers totally forgot there's supposed to be a bad guy until the fourth act, why should I remember? Innyway, Piper has managed to find a boy who has no lines in this episode whatsoever, and got him to phone his dad. Vito picks up the ringing phone, probably because, just like me, he expected a hostage crisis negotiator instead of HIS FUCKING SON WHO WILL PROBABLY UPSET HIS UNSTABLE CHARACTER EVEN FURTHER, ENDANGERING THE LIVES OF HIS HOSTAGES IN THE PROCESS. Have I mentioned that I find this episode a teensy tiny bit dumb? I have? Oh. Sorry then.
Vito the Veteran: Uh…hi buddy. How are you doing?
Teshik: Ooh, let's summarize, shall we? He was pulled out of school by an irate Piper, to learn his dad has managed to get at least fifteen snipers and twenty police officers to train their guns on him. Daddy also threatens to kill several hostages. And that problem with financing his education? Well, even if Daddy manages to survive all this, he has not only totalled the family car in a building whose owner will most likely sue him for this, but also will not be available for, oh, fifteen, twenty years, since he's already a felon. And prison inmates don't earn minimum wage, or get loans, so Junior's pretty much screwed financially besides effectively losing his father. So, overall, I'm willing to bet this day for him rates, at least, "below average".
Vito the Veteran: You! You… you… you are so mean!
Teshik: I know. I love my job. Now, will you give Henry your gun so we can all go home already?
Paige(hissing to Teshik): Since when are you able to talk hostage takers into giving up
Teshik (hissing): We're on page 15 again. Also, it's fucking October. I want to finish this dreck and get on with my life.
Vito the Veteran: Okay, okay. I give up. I will now give you my g…
He doesn't finish the sentence, mainly because Cid takes this moment when the guy is ALREADY WILLING TO GIVE UP to take his own gun out of his backpack and shoots at Vito. And Henry, either because he's a heroic policemen with a heart of gold, or just really, really, REALLY stupid (you decide), dives towards Vito to catch him. He catches something, alright - the bullet, that is.
Paige: Oh NO!
And because she is very brave and upset about her boyfriend, or just really really REALLY stupid (your decision, again), she kicks the gun out of the hands of Cid, the only person who could have gotten Vito to end this, and thus, being able to rush Bleeding Henry to the nearest hospital. Christ, this is dumb. Vito takes the spare gun, Paige rushes over to her slampiece.
Paige: HENRY! Oh, oh Henry! Somebody do something!
Teshik: Hmmm... Cid, for prolonging my agony, you are now officially not invited to my birthday party anymore.
Cid: Ah, poo.
Paige: I meant something useful!
Teshik: Well, there will be more cake for the rest of us if he isn't invited…
Paige: I meant my boyfriend, you ass! Henry's been shot.!.! He's dying.!.!.!
Teshik: Two droplets of blood do not say fatal injury to me. Hell, I've had paper cuts that bled worse.
Paige: His gun wound is threatening his life. End of discussion. Do something, Teshik!
Teshik: (to himself) Save my slampiece, Teshik. Ignore the laws of common sense, Teshik. Don't throw the Retard into an industrial meat grinder, Teshik. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. (out loud) Vito. Please, just give up now. Or do I have to point out all the flaws in your character development this episode, and grind you into submission.
Vito the Veteran: Since you put it that way…I will…
Suddenly, some possessor mojo happens.
Possessor Veteran: …not give up. Instead, I will keep you here until the bloke there bleeds to death or something…interesting happens.
Bifi: What jusssst happened?
Possessor Veteran: Guess, filthy witch!
Teshik: Wait. We had a demon in this episode?
Paige: I don't remember it either. You, Bifi?
Bifi: Well, I did torture some of them this morning…
Ashlee: What, exactly, are we talking about at this moment?
Teshik: Err, it's…code. For…FBI agents.
Ashlee: In that case, I wanna point out you're the worst FBI agents, ever.
Teshik: Hey, if you want to walk a mile in my shoes, lady, you're welcome to try.
Teshik: What's that supposed to mean?
While this is going on, Paige has inexplicable learned a new power, and healed Henry while nobody was looking. Except for all of the hostages, and the characteristic glow should be on the BANK bank's cameras, as well. Whatever. Paige stands up and walks over to the Retard.
Paige: Bifi, remember the distraction you wanted to produce
Bifi: The what? Oh, that! Of course, it's been for a while now.
Paige: Then throw it, numb nut!
Bifi throws her "potion". It...does exactly nothing, because it's powder mixed with tobacco and parts of a lipstick. Duh.
Teshik: Oh, for fuck's sake.
He reaches in his breast pocket - Stupid Hostage Wannabe didn't bother to search them, so…anyways, he throws it, and a dust cloud surrounds all of them. When the dust lifts…nothing has happened whatsoever.
Possessor Veteran: What did you do?
Teshik: People? The point of creating a diversion? Is to actually DO something while the enemy's distracted. Just sayin'.
Ashlee: I wholeheartedly agree.
Someone with a Megaphone outside: Hey, you there! Since we made absolutely no effort to resolve this peacefully yet, and since you've already escalated the situation by probably killing a hostage, we decided to reward you with a piloted helicopter!
Teshik: I really think this law system needs a do-over sometimes.
And thus, the Possessor Veteran takes "Bifi" and walks outside to the helicopter provided by the taxpayers, and which is the biggest waste of Season Eight's budget since the introduction of you-know-who. The rest of them look on, the crisis for them is over. "Paige" stays with Henry, and Ashlee and Teshik go outside. Ashlee seems to look for something.
Ashlee: Did you ever notice that, once you actually need a dark and forbidding alleyway, you're never able to find one?
Teshik: Wait, so soon?
Ashlee: Do you want to be at the processing summit where we all have the "startling" revelation that Paige can heal, and Piper finds yet another excuse for her son being a murderous psycho? Because, I can really do without that one.
They find a little alley, and walk in.
Teshik: Hm. I think I'll pass. Though it would've been nice to get to know Piper and Phoebe.
Ashlee: Well, I could continue being you if you want, but only if I can change the shoes first. Your high heels are killing me.
Teshik: Tch. Two minutes of being a woman, and you're already complaining.
"Teshik" is waving his arm over his face, and "Ashlee" snaps her fingers. With the Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls, and a regular morphing effect, respectively, they transform back into…Ashlee and Teshik. Duh. What'd you expect? Columbo and Kojak?
Teshik: Me complaining has nothing to do with me being female. It's a way of life. (pause) and being in close proximity to Piper for too long. Just for the record though, you could've hinted you're a shape-shifting witch before dragging me aside during that smoke-bomb.
Ashlee: Nah. I recognized Paige as a Charmed One, and I happen to know the average lifespan of witches after meeting them.
Teshik: Point taken.
Yours truly enters the attic where the 3 P's are gathered.
Teshik: Hey. Did I miss anything?
Piper: Not much. By the way, where is Bifi?
Teshik: She is…erm…NOT tied to any railroad tracks right now. Really. I mean it.
Piper: Good boy.
Paige: But Piper, he's totally l…
Piper: Not really interested. Next item: My precious son's issues are resolved. It turns out he just misses his Daddy, and conjured his entirely heterosexual toy puppets to go looking for him.
Phoebe and Teshik look at each other.
Phoebe: Just…go with it.
Teshik: She's got the Hands of Discontent set to "kill" again, right?
Phoebe: …go with it. Please.
Teshik: Ooookay. Yes, Piper. You are absolutely right. We agree wholeheartedly.
Piper: Good. I am glad this is over, and will never be mentioned ever again. Now, final item: Paige, you what-ed Henry?
Paige: Healed. I guess I got myself a new power.
Piper: Oh come fucking on. You got yourself another one, and I'm still stuck with two?
Teshik: For a person determined to have a normal life without powers, you sure are disappointed.
Piper: Bah. Just leave me a little schizophrenia, will you?
Teshik: Certainly. All right, I guess this episode is resolved. Fucking Finally, I want to say.
Phoebe: But the issue of me moving out of the house and finding twue wuv isn't resolved yet!
Paige: And the issue of dropping the witch bomb on Henry isn't resolved either!
Teshik: Hmpf. I'll get to it, next episode. Just give me another ten months or so.