This has been sitting on my computer for a while. So... Please read and enjoy!

Note: Kuchiki Rukia


While He Was Sleeping:
Forgive Me


You are alive.

You are alive.

You are alive.

I told you not to follow me. A fool I would have been to even believe that you would listen to me.

But you are alive. And that's all I need to know.

I cannot understand why.

Why did you come for me?

Why did you throw away your everything, to choose this path that I have shown to you? Why did you give up your normal life that you would have gotten back, just to save me? Why did you choose to protect me, the person who have stolen everything from you in that brief encounter between the dead and the living?

You should have turned your back on me. Turned away and went back to the world you had belonged to. Yet you took this route, this route marred with death and bloodshed, a route that a child like you should have never been allowed to see.

I am humiliated as the tears fall, knowing that you'll never understand the guilt within me. The guilt that I'll never tell you and the guilt that will never be erased.

I do not deserve to be saved.

Yet you refused to give up on me. And now I sit here ashamed, ashamed that I have wanted to give up, believing that there is nothing else that I am holding on to, believing that there are no longer regrets in my life, believing that I have lived the way that I wanted to.

But I lied.

Do you know that as I watched the tranquil red and gold of the setting sun, I just wanted to sit beside you at the roof top and quietly watch the clouds roll by? Do you know that as I listened to the birds making their merry tunes outside, I just wanted to wake up to the sounds of your alarm clock and listen to the morning family bickering that inevitably followed? Do you know that as I hummed to myself in the deafening silence of the solitary tower, I just wanted to hear you singing quietly to the tunes you hear in your headphone, thinking that no one could hear you?

Choosing death was just an excuse to release me from the pain. To release me from all those things that I do not wish to give up on. To release me from the memories of you.

So if you are not sleeping, would you glare at me in mild irritation as I hum some of your favorite tunes, songs which words I do not even know?

I know I should not be having these thoughts. For all these thoughts are worthless to me as a shinigami, as a proud member of the royal family, as a person who belongs to a different world. So I have no courage to look you in the eye, in case I reveal all these feelings to you. I'm not strong. I'm not strong at all, although I pretend to be. So I cannot let you see my tears, my sorrow, my weakness, my regret and the thousand other thoughts that I do not even have the right to having.

So if you are not sleeping, what would you do when you look at the me that I've now become?

I do not wish to know. I do not have the courage to find out.

Because I know that you will do everything in your power to save me again. And again. And again.

Even if it kills you.

So forgive me.

I do not deserve forgiveness, but please forgive me.

Forgive me for all the wrong that I have done to you.

Forgive me for bringing you to a world filled with bloodshed. Forgive me for taking away your normalcy. Forgive me for being weak.

And most of all, forgive me for loving you.


- YL -


Post-Chapter Notes: I miss all of you.