Title: The Biography of Mary Sue (Halloween Challenge)
Author(s): That would be me.
Timeframe: Far Future and the afterlife
Characters: Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Kaiya Lo (OC), Wes Janson, John Crichton, Aeryn Sun, Mary Sue w/ honorable mention of Gary Stu.
Genre: Parody, Challenge, Crossover
Keywords: Insanity
Summary: Ever see that old sig line, "In a few generations everyone in the galaxy will be related." Yeah.
Notes: This story is respectfully dedicated to and/or blamed on Jaya Solo for bringing the JC Fan Fiction Halloween Challenge to my attention and for all of the assistance that she gave me with it.

Kaiya Lo is an OC created by Jaya Solo in her Making of a Prankster Series and used with her express permission.

Also by my count there are ten fandoms represented in Mary Sue's last name: Star Wars, Alias, The Hulk, Harry Potter, Star Trek: The Next Generation, X-Files, Farscape, X-Men, Star Trek: New Frontier and Star Trek Voyager.

Also this story was originally written to be posted on the Jedi Council Fan Fiction forums. In some respects it makes more sense to read it in that context.


"Hi, my name is Mary Sue Skywalker-Kenobi-Jade-Solo-Fel-Antilles-Horn-Janson-Klivian-Loran-Tainer-Karrde-Durron-Darklighter-Solusar-Veila-Djo-Der evko-Banner-Potter-Picard-Mulder-Sun-Crichton-Grey-Xavier-Hansen-Bristow-Calhoun-Janeway."

"Kidding me, you must be."

"I only wish that I was, Master Yoda. Dealing with this sort of thing is not my spe-ci-al-i-ty."

"True. She's scarier than a Sith Lord."

"You should know, Anakin. She is your great-grand…whatever."

"Oh very eloquent."

"At least I'm not the one responsible for this horror."

"Your last name was in that introduction too, old friend."

"I never had children!"

"Irrelevant, that seems to be, Master Kenobi."

"I sing; I dance; I save the galaxy with a single swipe of my lightsaber; I prevent poverty in the muggle and wizarding worlds with just one flick of my wand, and I do it all while upholding the Prime Directive."

"To deserve this, what did I do?"

"Maybe it was all of those cryptic prophecies, mate? I know those bloody prophecies never did me any good….Hey, wait a minute! I fought a Mountain Troll first year. Aren't you lot supposed to be taller?"

"Taller? Taller, you say? With the Force as my ally, I do not need taller, young Potter!"

"Bet your Force can't stop Avada Kedavra, mate."

"All powerful - everywhere is the Force!"

"Is not!"

"Too, it is!"

"I was the firstborn daughter to parents who had put the galaxy's good above their own personal desires. I was their miracle child and I was also a quick learner. I started talking when I was two days old. By the time I was two years old, I was an award winning novelist on forty-seven different worlds. I also spoke well over seven million languages by the time that I was three. It's such a shame that my parents died a horrific death when I was four, leaving me to raise my fourteen other miracle child siblings on my own."

"After nine hundred years, know the meaning of something to complain about, you will! Dealing with young padawans for millennia, I have been! Nothing yet, have you seen!"

"You didn't grow up with Wes Janson either."

"True. Pity you, I do Kaiya Lo."

"At least her mother didn't come back to life and shoot her in the shoulder."

"Stop whining so much you should, Agent Bristow. Hawt, your mother is!"

"Ew, that's just gross!"

"Better than dating someone with an Ewok fetish it is!"

"SHUDDUP!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"What? I thought her story was interesting."

"Wes, honey, you're scaring me."

"Sshhh!"

"It took me a long time before I could master my biggest challenge of all. It took me months to discover the perfect way to artfully arrange my beautiful, long, flowing, silky blonde locks of hair into the perfect coif. I was forced to endure the most rigorous challenges of the galaxy. I went through the painful ritual trials of a hundred different races to find the perfect hair care products. I solved diplomatic incidents and resolved centuries old conflicts on thousands of different worlds to gain access to secret hair care accessories that no one else in the galaxy had seen for eons. I combed my way delicately across millions of worlds seeking to find the answers that only I knew were still out there. I sought and I found the ability to stride across Tatooine on foot in the middle of summer, followed by a jog across Dagobah in the middle of summer, and a brawl with half of Nal Hutta without one single strand of hair falling out of place. I also smelled as fresh as a Nubian Spring Lily at the end of the day."

"Pure Sithspawn, this child is!"

"While your epithet of choice is a biologically undeniable fact, perhaps you should reconsider based on what she has accomplished. It is not easy maintaining such a demanding level of physical perfection. It is especially demanding without the aide of such Borg technology that was available to me."

"Talk so big, you should not. Rate only a seven on a scale of nine, do you!"

"Of course that was not my only accomplishment. By the time that I was sixteen I had managed to do what no one else in the galaxy had ever attempted. I had brought complete and total peace. All of the galactic and planetary leaders wanted to make me the Supreme Empress of the Galaxy, but knowing how power corrupts, I turned them down. I did spend two years, however, working to create the perfect democratic government. After that I decided to take a vacation from the political world. I was no longer needed there and I wanted to explore other aspects of my heritage. I was a healer by choice and not a fighter. It only took me two years of intensive research to cure every deadly disease in the galaxy. The praise was once again overwhelming, but I was forced to turn it down. I didn't do anything more than what Gary Stu would have done."

"Hey, that's not fair! I'm the only one that can create total galactic peace."

"Stop pouting, John."

"Ah, but Aeryn-"

"…"

"Sorry, Babe. But she didn't have Scorpius or Scarrans to deal with!"

"This is only a portion of the wonderful and inspiring story that I have compiled here in my biography. If you would like to know more about how every male in the Galaxy has fallen madly in love with me, you can purchase a copy of your own. Thank you."


She ended the story and blinked as if hoping to wipe away all memory of the story from her brain or as if she was trying to blink the story from existence entirely.

"What do you think, Master?" the hopeful padawan asked.

"It's very good for your first story," the master replied.

"Master, why are you crying?"

"These are tears of joy, padawan. Now, let's work on improving your writing..."