A.N./ I pretty much wanted everyone to know that I was still a Remus/Sirius shipper and that I hadn't fallen off a cliff somewhere. Or, rather, fallen into a pool of paper work of school, college, death. But you guys know how that's like. Enjoy, and please review! It gets me through it all.
Top of the Staircase
"Don't leave me alone," he had said at the bottom of the staircase leading to the boy's dorm. He had looked up with an expression that made Sirius' insides turn this way and that. He had thought that this feeling had left him. He was afraid, actually, that it had now become worse and was now starting to grow.
He lay in his bed, staring up into the heavy drapes around his bed, memorizing the intricate folds of the fabric and how the sliver of moonlight played against the velvet. His body was so light that he felt like he could float to it, grasping the beams around his fingers. Then something sank in his stomach, heavy as stone. It made him ill.
Remus' words rang in his head again and Sirius turned over in his sheets, sighing angrily. His bangs brushed his forehead, furthering the agitation. The very covers began to suffocate him and he turned again, throwing them off with a huge sweeping gesture. "Damn it all," he screamed in the safe confines of his head. He had never wanted so badly just to rip his very thoughts out of his skull.
He sat up, rubbing his face gruffly, knowing that there was no way for him to get to sleep any time soon. He thought that this had been over. For the past two years he had felt this … infatuation. It was the most painful thing that he had ever experienced. He would have to face Remus every single day and he couldn't say a word, make a gesture. Not if he wanted to loose him.
Sirius slammed his fist down onto the bed, making it jump from the force. He stopped, still, listening to the sounds of the room to make sure that none of the boys had woken from the bedsprings groaning in protest. Remus was especially a light sleeper. It would be his luck to have Remus wake and bother him to say what was wrong.
That was what made everything so difficult. Remus and his ever-loving knack to sniff out when one of them was having a problem. The first year of his worthless dreaming was fine since the feeling had only been developing, but the last was hell.
"Why are you looking at me like that? I can feel it all the way over here."
"Are you all right, Sirius? You don't look so good. It's a girl, isn't it?"
It made Sirius' toes curl in frustration, like a gnome inside of his chest was about to jump out and bite Remus' face for his impertinence. The only thing that Sirius had to hold himself back from strangling him was the reminder that Remus didn't know. How could he? The only other person that Sirius had told was Lily and even that was an accident.
Women and their hypersensitive reactions to these particular feelings.
She had been a true peach about it, too. She had completely understood when Sirius had let it all slip and could tell instantly that something had been bothering him. They had been walking to class when she pinned him in a corner of an empty corridor. She then proceeded to interrogate him, asking why he had been so quiet and accusing him of secretly seeing someone.
It had been an odd thing, seeing as they had not been extremely close friends during sixth year. He figured that she was asking on behalf of a friend with a crush on him. The irritation had gotten to him and he hadn't been sleeping very regularly at the time so the words had fallen to her feet, laying there at her mercy.
When he had said the words "I," "fancy," and, "Remus," out loud the puzzle that literally, and rather crudely, spewed from his mouth nearly caused him to have to support himself against the wall. Before then he had never spoken the words but only considered it in his head during private midnight fantasies. It all had made his head spin.
She had been very sympathetic about it and patted his shoulder, swearing that this was their secret. And for the first time, he trusted her. It had been nice for someone else to know about this great burden that Sirius had to carry everywhere he went. He hadn't even told James, but he felt that the day would come. That was, until Emily came along.
She was beautiful, smart, funny. She wasn't too giggly and annoying and would talk about Quidditch with him. She even encouraged his pranks. She was perfect. For a while he thought that the thing with Remus had faded and he was completely free from him. Until a few months ago.
Emily had snuck into the boy's dorm and they had a little secret date of their own, snogging inside of his duvet. Everything was so warm and soft and Sirius couldn't remember a time when he was happiest. She had been nudging very close, lifting her shirt every so often, inch by inch. Leaning her head to the side to gain better access she exposed her neck, tawny hair gently brushing the curve of it.
Before he knew it, Sirius remembered Remus a week before that in the Shrieking Shack, leaning his head in the same position to hide the blush forming on his face as he covered himself from the morning after transformation night. With that in mind he leaned forward in a frenzy, kissing up and down that ivory column, gripping her back, and moaning Remus' name. He hadn't seen Emily since then.
He was actually surprised that she hadn't spilled his secret all over school. The fact that she hadn't made him feel worse. He deserved it after what he did to her. The way she had pushed him away and the tears in her eyes crushed him to know that he had hurt her. It was one thing to compete with another girl, but a boy?
After that his life had spiraled again. This afternoon, for example: He had been sitting in an armchair in the common room, minding his own business, actually seriously doing his homework for once, when Remus had walked into the room. Knowing very well that he would not be able to concentrate, Sirius took his work and headed toward the dorms. He could hear Remus make a small noise in the back of his throat, but he had pretended not to notice. Once he made it to the top of the staircase he glanced down at Remus who was looking up at him.
"Don't leave me alone."
Sirius stretched his legs out, his feet burying themselves under his tossed duvet. He covered his face with one arm as the other led his hand down his abdomen, traveling further down, slowly. Remus had looked so soft in the afternoon light and he had a confused look gracing his face. "What have I done to you?" he was asking silently. "What have I done wrong?"
Sirius sighed, remembering the lines on Remus' face. His gaze had followed from his beautiful, amber eyes, to the few freckles on his nose, his smooth cheeks, his pink lips. What would he give to just take that face in his hands and kiss – But he was already finished.
And all he could do now was prepare himself for another sleepless night.
A.N./ If enough people review I'll feel inclined to write one from Remus' perspective. Any takers? Anyone?