Here Comes the Brides
Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.
Keitaro was having one of those days.
Not one of those days as in "Su has a new mecha-tama and she wants to see if the particle beam can hurt you" days.
No, this was one of those days where it was four in the afternoon, everyone had been home all day without much of anything to do, and he had yet to be punched, kicked, attacked, blown-up, or any thing in general to cause him pain.
Yes, today was likely the day Keitaro Urashima would die.
A knock on the door pulled him from those thoughts. He made no move towards it; he simply sat on the couch. If he remained motionless until dinner, nothing could harm him.
"I'll get it, Onii-chan."
As he listened, he knew the Angel of Death had arrived...
"Is there a Keitaro Urashima here?"
...and apparently brought his friend.
"Please say he is here! Please!"
"Shut up, Loo Cout!"
Keitaro just placed his head in his palms, starting to cry, as he felt Tama-chan and Kuro patting him on the shoulders. Yes, it appeared that today, the ronin manager was doomed to see hell.
The group had gathered in the living room, the two strangers standing before them. In front of them was Keitaro—currently sitting straight, hands in his lap, and wondering where the final blow would come from, Shinobu, Kitsune, Mutsumi, Naru, Motoko, Kaolla, Sara, Haruka, and Kanako.
The man who seemed to be in charge began as soon as everyone was sitting. "Okay, first let me introduce myself. I am Faul Gai, and this is my assistant, Loo Cout."
"Hello," the assistant waved.
"Now, first, Mr. Urashima, did you have an ancestor named Shoa?"
Keitaro slowly turned to Haruka, not dare uttering her name. If he did, he would end up saying Aunt first, and receive the death blow by a fan.
Haruka began to consider. "Yes. Shoa Urashima was Hina's grandmother."
Su was twitching. Those names sounded familiar. "Um, are you guys from PolPol?"
The men nodded, and the leader began speaking again. "Yes. You see, our King has come down with a terminal disease. We believe that within ten years, he will die."
Everyone seemed to sadden a bit. Mutsumi asked the question. "Ara, what is it?"
Loo answered. "Young new wife."
The dorm shook at the strength of the facefault.
Except for Keitaro, he stayed ridged. He knew if he facefaulted as well, he would end up under someone's dress. No, Death would have to work for him today.
The fact that all the girls were wearing pants was not lost on him. One of them would miraculously change into a dress as soon as his head hit the floor.
Faul continued. "Yes, King Bea Loa Me married last week, but since he is sterile, then we needed to find a new heir."
Naru asked quietly, almost afraid of the answer. "And what does this have to do with Keitaro?"
"Well, the Crown of PolPol can only be passed to male heirs. This is a major problem, since almost all children sired by the royal line tend to be female. And considering the King is currently shooting blanks, we had to go back to find an heir. The only line left is that of Princess Shoa Me. She left the country during a rough time in the Su-Me war."
"Su-Me?" asked Sara, before she turned to her friend.
Su answered, going into teacher mode. "Seven hundred years ago, the kings of the two island kingdoms; King Su and King Me, played a game of checkers. Today, we know both were horrible cheats. When the game ended in a draw, they each accused the other of cheating."
Faul Gai nodded. "Yes. And rather than admit it, they cut diplomatic ties and began a sort of cold war. During the time Shoa Me left, the two islands exchanged fire for days. MolMol would attack with banana peels, and we would return fire with apple cores."
Sara shook her head. "That has to be the stupidest war I've ever heard of."
Loo Cout shook his head. "We lost many good apple seeds that year." As he began to cry, Faul patted his friend on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," interrupted Motoko, "but doesn't King Bea Loa Me have any sons with his original wife?"
Faul shook his head. "Nope. All seven of his wives never had one son. They had fifty-eight daughters, though."
"WHAT?" screamed out Naru. "He buried seven wives?"
"No dear, he was married at the time to seven women." Seeing the disbelief, he continued. "As I informed you, the PolPol royal line; as does much of the population of our nation in general, sires females quite easily. This occurs 99.99 percent of the time, so they are allowed multiple brides, as long as the women consent. Former King Bea Tis Me had the record for seventeen wives. It wasn't until forty years later that he had his first son. The fact that Keitaro is both an only child and male makes him a miracle."
"But why can't women rule?" asked Shinobu.
Faul looked nervous. "Well, the women sort of run everything else. They control the military, economy, and the politics. PolPol's tend to generate a gender ratio of seventy-nine women per male on the island. If we gave up the royal house, then the males would be caged and studied, with their only use being procreation."
"A likely story," said Motoko, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Actually," said Su, "they have about three attempts at that sort of revolution every year, minimal."
The others stared at her, as Keitaro began to silently cry. I don't wanna be put in a cage!
"Anyway," started Faul again, "we came to inform Mr. Keitaro Urashima that he was in line for the throne, train him to be the future king, and begin the filing processes for his name change and those of his wives."
Death smiled. He had located the ronin. Sure, he couldn't kill him. But he could play with him.
After all, Death needed to unwind just like any other hard working spirit.
Faul and Loo began to try and pop their ears. "Yes. By this time tomorrow, he will be Keitaro Me."
"That's not it!" screamed Naru. "What is this about his wives?"
Faul opened his book that he pulled from his sleeve. "Well, as standard by PolPol society rules, any female not of the blood of kin by three generations, that has lived with him for longer than a year, is considered engaged to him. As such after that year, they may decide to make it official by the female giving him the Kiss of Marriage, and follow it by the sharing of an apple. At such a time, they are considered married in the eyes of the PolPol legal system. Divorce is only granted with the full and unanimous agreement of all his wives, followed by the removal of the man's penis by sharpened sword."
Keitaro paled, now knowing how he would die. If anything else, he now knew what would happen next week. He could already see Su making a mecha-tama just for the divorce.
The girls just blinked.
"So, sugar," said Kitsune, "what are the perks for the future queens?"
Loo opened his book. "As heir to the thrown, Keitaro will receive a stipend of 1, 285 songas; our local currency. Each wife will receive a stipend of 1,062 songas. These amounts double upon the ascension to the throne."
"And what is a songa in yen?" Kitsune was wondering if it would be worth it.
Su pulled out a calculator. "They are about worth as much as MolMol currency. In yen, Keitaro will currently receive ¥ 112,089,426 a month and each wife will receive ¥ 92,637,331."
Faul smiled. "We've done very well on the local stock exchanges."
Kitsune blinked. I'm...I'm rich!
Sara blinked. The dork is loaded!
Motoko blinked. If I marry Keitaro, not only will the school be secured financially, but we will have plenty of strong daughters to take over.
Shinobu raised her hand. "Um...do you have an apple?"
She stood up. "Hey, I have a chance to marry Sempai without keeping him from either of his promised girls, and I'm taking it!"
So surprised from Shinobu's outburst, no one moved when Faul Gai handed her an apple, she locked lips with Keitaro—who was also too stunned at all the news to fully grasp what was happening to him, and proceeded to bite into the apple, before holding if before Keitaro. "Sempai, eat."
Loo clapped his hands. "Congratulations, Princess Shinobu Maehara-Me."
"Me next!" screamed Kanako.
Five minutes later, Keitaro was beginning to come to, wondering why he tasted apples.
Naru looked around, a new apple in her hand, and she soon realized, the only one without a bite in it, or with a whole apple. "SARA!"
"Hey, the dork is loaded, is going to live where a bunch of excitement is, and will end up a hell of a lot better than what I'll find in the local junior highs."
Faul Gai and Loo Cout were having another discussion. "Princess Su married him, Loo. Do you know what this means?"
"I think so, Faul. But where am I going to find a can opener and a helium balloon at this time of day?"
"No, you idiot. With Princess Su now married to Prince Me, the Su-Me war is finally over!"
"Cool. Maybe you can celebrate with the Duchess Haruka Me. She has a gun pointed at you."
Faul turned towards Haruka. "Wow, how did she know the courtship ritual?"
Haruka stood before them. "Nope, just wanting to know how much I get. The wrong answer gets you divorced."
Faul gulped. "Um, given the unique circumstances, I believe it would be customary to give you as much as Prince Me gets."
Haruka put away the gun. "Correct answer."
Kitsune, pausing from what she would do with her first stipend, noticed Naru had yet to offer Keitaro her apple. Seeing as how her best friend was once again letting her insecurities get to her and maybe cost the man she loved, Kitsune motioned for Mutsumi and Motoko. After pointing to Naru, they nodded and went into action.
Mutsumi hit Naru in the back of the head with a watermelon she had hidden somewhere. This caused Naru to pitch forward and lock lips with Keitaro, surprising them both. As Naru shoved him back and herself as well and knocking them both off the couch, the apple she had been holding was tossed into the air, where Motoko cut it. As soon as Naru and Keitaro had finished falling to the ground, the cut pieces of the apple landed in their mouths, forcing each to swallow.
Kitsune turned towards the royal attendants. "Well?"
Faul smiled. "Congratulation on your wedding, Princess Naru Narusegawa-Me."
"WHAT?" screamed Naru, still not certain what had just happened.
"Ara, isn't this nice, Na-chan. We're co-wives now to Kei-kun."
"Co-wives?" asked Keitaro, as Faul began to fill him in on the five minutes of marriages he had just partaken in, before the ronin-Prince passed out.
And thus, Prince Keitaro Me was married to Princess Kaolla Su-Me, Princess Sara McDougal-Me, Princess Shinobu Maehara-Me, Princess Mitsune Konno-Me, Princess Mutsumi Otohime-Me, Princess Motoko Aoyama-Me, Princess Kanako Urashima-Me, and Princess Naru Narusegawa-Me.
Now, they had their most difficult trial ahead of them.
They had to tell their families.
Author Notes: This idea has been in my head for almost a year, and I finally found the inspiration to write it out. I'm not certain when I can update it again, as I want to update seven other stories first.
As for those wanting me to update the others first and stick with them... Hey, can I help it if I have a league of writers in my head, and the drama department quit?
Let's see how well you do when you have this many ideas coming out at once, and every new day generating two more.