Love Hina

Chapter 5

Mission Failure

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

"So you understand your mission?" asked Hoo Ker, looking at the agent N.A.G.S. had chosen to try and capture the Crown Prince of PolPol. They were thinking about capturing the boy's father, but it wasn't necessary.

PolPol Royal Rule: If you get married and are PolPol royalty, that marriage must be done in an official PolPol ceremonial way. If you aren't married in a PolPol ceremony (apples are needed, no substitution), then you forfeit your chance at the throne.

As such, that meant he wasn't in line for the throne, and the Japanese government had been very upset with people being abducted from their nation.

Nyamo Namo just looked at the strange woman. After the entire flight, the older woman had yet to realize that the young beauty had absolutely no clue what she was saying. And while Nyamo was a little upset that the woman had yet to realize that, she understood enough PolPol to know that this woman was going to take her to Keitaro, she was supposed to marry him, but everything beside that was all lost in translation.

At least she had been able to grab a nice apple from the airport before they left. PolPol marriage laws were very exact.

As she nodded, the older woman left as the plane began to descend into the predawn skyline of Tokyo.

Keitaro was tired, exhausted, and ... still a virgin. After yet another night of protecting 'Little Keitaro' from the forces of marriage, he was trying to sneak out of the compound. His best thought at the moment was getting out, renting a small motel room for a few hours, and gather enough sleep to hopefully preserve his virginity for yet another night.

Why was he trying to preserve it, you may ask. After all, isn't such a situation that many males would enjoy?

One problem: Keitaro had been to MolMol. After dealing with the craziness of Kaolla Su, her sister, her brother/cousin/however-he-was-related-to-them, he could only guess that actually consummating any of his new relationships could only end in pain.

His pain...

Lots of it...

(Naru-Punch multiplied by Rock-Cutting-Sword) to the infinite power...

Shivering a bit, he paused, hiding himself as a small group of miniature Shitzus ran by, pushing a ... human skull?

"I really need to get out of here," he muttered, as he made his way to the stairs that would lead to his Aunt's teahouse and his freedom. "Man, I wonder where the guard is?" he pondered, as he noticed that the guard station was both empty, and the gates were open. "Maybe he needed a smoke break?"

"Everything set?" asked Hoo Ker, as she glued the trashcan lit shut. Inside was one unconscious guard, who when the mission was over, would be placed gently into a cage, and shipped Coach back to PolPol to be studied with painful tools that sometimes sent jolts of electricity through the body.

Sue Lut nodded, as Nyamo made her way towards the gates. "Yes; a nice cage is waiting in the van across from us, surveillance on this side of the compound has been dealt with, and while I don't know why you felt the need to do so, the guard I knocked out is sealed inside that trash can."

"Can't be too careful," said Hoo.

"And those two we have in the van already?" asked Sue.

"See man," said Shirai, crouched inside a cage beside his friend, "just telling those babes that we knew Keitaro is so going to help us get in good with them."

"Dude," said Haitani, "they put us in cages."

"So, I might like that sort of stuff."

"They said we're being shipped to some place called PolPol."

"I always wanted to travel."

"You dumbass, we've been kidnapped."

"Haitani; hot girls do not kidnap people."

"... You're an idiot."

"We needed some test subjects for the new equipment we had shipped in from America," said Hoo. "Besides, they know the Crown Prince, and can you honestly say they will be missed if they ... react badly to the equipment."

"If they do, I'm not hosing out the room," quickly said Sue. "Look," she said, pointing towards the entrance, "the Prince is out already. She might not have to go in there and drag him out now."

"N.A.G.S. will be victorious this day," said Hoo Ker, a slight tear in her eye. "I always hoped our noble crusade would be won within my lifetime."

Sue Lut nodded sagely, as she watched, waiting for the prince ... to be tackled by the island girl on the wrong side of the wall? "What the hell?"

"How could she have done that?" said Hoo Ker, nearly yelling. "I told her to get him out here! Why did she race inside like that and tackle him?"

"She's leading him back inside," growled Sue. "Where the hell is that translator?" she grumbled. "I want to chew them out for not making sure she understood her role."

"Translator?" asked Hoo.

"Yes," said Sue, looking around for a missing agent ... one she didn't know wasn't there to begin with. "That girl doesn't understand PolPol or Japanese, so I told you we needed a translator for her."

"... Oh."

Sue slowly turned around. "You did get a translator ... right?"


"In other words, you never got one, and sent our best chance to capture the Crowned Prince in there with no clue that she was to help N.A.G.S.?"


"Oh, you are so dead."

"What are you doing, Su?" asked Shinobu as she entered the dining room, preparing to make some delicious food to lure out her husband for some ... couples time.

"Sending a letter to my pen pal," said the tanned beauty, as she stuffed a letter inside a mecha-tama, and raced outside with it. A few seconds later, a small explosion was heard as the delivery mecha took off at incredible speeds. "He'll probably get by tomorrow."

"You have a pen pal?" asked Shinobu.

Kaolla nodded happily. "And he's really exciting, almost as much as Keitaro. But I had to tell him we can't date anymore."

"You were dating a pen pal?"

"Who is dating what?" asked Kitsune, as she entered into the dining area, yawning. The only reason she was up that early was because the previous day had worn her out, and the resulting nightly Keitaro-hunt had drained the rest of her energy before ten.

"Kaolla was dating her pen pal," said Shinobu, uncertain if that counted as cheating on Keitaro.

"Way to go, sugar," said Kitsune, messing Kaolla's hair. "Didn't know you had it in you, dating another guy when you're engaged to another."

"Nah, he was just my backup," said Kaolla. "But now that I got Keitaro, I don't need to keep him. Hope we can be friends, though. He really likes the mecha-tama I sent him the last time."

The other two slowly paled, thinking of what Kaolla might send to a 'special someone' considering what she tested out on Keitaro.

"Anyway," said Kitsune, waving off any further concern for the poor soul Kaolla had 'dumped' for Keitaro—as well as consideration if the boy even knew he had been 'dating' her in the first place, "has anyone seen our dear husband? I figured we could head out today and spend some of our stipends."

The other girls shook their heads.

"Oh, maybe he left to get us presents," said Kaolla. "I hope he gets me bananas."

"Maybe we should ask Gai-san or Cout-san," said Shinobu. "They are supposed to be helping Sempai prepare to be King."

Keitaro had been surprised to run into Nyamo near the front entrance—more afraid that it was Shinobu with certain toppings she wanted to 'play with'. As such, when she had tackled him in her excitement, he had nearly passed out in fear. But then we she asked if he was okay in English, Keitaro soon realized the mistake, and quickly sat up, helping his former assistant back up.

When she said she wanted to chat, he took her to a bench near the new wall to speak, the idea being that she would want some privacy.

It had been needed, as she told him of finding her grandfather's grave.

After consoling her a bit, she asked about what he had been doing since their last meeting.

Happy to have a person to speak to—whom he thought had no romantic interests in him and was not currently married to him—he spilled his guts, unloading the pressures of going to Tokyo University, his recent discovery of his family history, and finally the mass wedding he had no choice in. Keitaro felt she was a bit too innocent to regale with the stories of his battles to preserve himself.

"And that takes us to today. I was planning to head out for a bit if you... Why do I taste apples?" he asked. As he looked down at what little remained of the snack Nyamo had been passing to him as he told his story, he answer made his face pale. "Apples," he said in a haunted whisper, as he slowly turned to his companion.

Nyamo was smirking and nodding her head happily, as she tackled him, being too quick for Keitaro to dodge out of the way, planting her lips onto his, and sealing their marriage.

As the fell off the bench, only one thought was going through the former-ronin's head: why was he suddenly irresistible?

"Hello?" came a meek voice from inside a lonely garbage can. "Is anyone out there?"

"I wonder where they're taking us?" asked Shirai. "Maybe we're going to one of those love hotels that cater to things like this."

"We are being kidnapped, you idiot. They are not taking us for sex!"

"Be quiet back there before I shock you!" yelled Sue Lut, brandishing a cattle-prod.

"Yes, Mistress," said Shirai.

"Dude, you're just weird," muttered his friend, wondering if he could escape somehow, as the van made its way to the warehouse district.

"This Keitaro-detector is a marvelous invention," said Tai, as he followed Kaolla, with the other two girls close behind.

"Yeppers," smirked Su. "My pervert can't escape me! MWA HAHAHAHAHA!"

"I'm always worried when she laughs like that," said Kitsune.

"He's over here!" yelled Kaolla, as she jumped towards some bushes in front of a bench. "Where are you, hubby?" she asked in a sing-song voice that somehow worried Kitsune even more than her previous laugh.

"Damn," she muttered, as she looked over. "I wanted to get him first!"

The others blinked, before looking over Kaolla's shoulders. They spied a nude ronin on his back, blood leaking from his nose, and a tanned version of Shinobu laying on top of him, a content smile on her face.

And both were nude as the day they had been born.

"Damn," muttered Kitsune. "I hate it when you lose to someone you never knew you were competing against." She just shrugged. At least he finally had some experience under his belt. It could only help her when it was her chance.

Shinobu looked at Nyamo, recognizing her twin, and slowly growled. "THAT WAS MINE!" she yelled, as she leapt at the girl, hands ready to choke the life from her.

Outside of Hogwarts, Harry Potter read a letter from his pen pal, part of a program that had been started in his old grade school many years ago, as part of some cultural exchange program.

"I don't get it," said Ron, reading the letter over Harry's shoulder. "You already had a girlfriend?"

"We aren't dating," sighed Harry. "She just keeps saying we are, been saying that since. I tried to break up with her, but she doesn't stop; keeps sending me these weird turtles lately."

Luna was looking over the one that had just delivered the letter Harry was reading. "It looks like a Pacific Hot Springs turtle; excellent flyers," she added.

"Right," sighed Hermoine, not believing Luna for a second, "flying turtles."

"They say some can grow to weigh three tons and carry two people before they have to land."

Hermoine just sighed. Who would believe stuff like that?

Ginny was busy pretending to be reading. Harry had a girlfriend? And why did she have the sudden urge to call Harry 'Sempai'?

"Well look here," came an all too familiar snide voice. "Potter and the rest of the fools."

"What do you want, Malfoy?" growled Harry, not noticing as the mechanical turtle in Luna's hands turned to face the pale blond as well, red eyes blinking as it performed a remote access to certain other ... gifts ... Kaolla had sent.

"I heard you were dating a princess," said Malfoy with a sneer. "Trying to make yourself feel better? Don't worry; I'm sure the Mudblood will give you a pity date if you ask nicely, so you don't have to keep pretending you have a girlfriend."

"Actually, the princess dumped him for a recently named Crowned Prince of their enemy," said Luna. "My father just wrote the article on it."

Thus with those words, everyone else believed it was a lie, and Harry was indeed making it up.

"Target located," came a robotic voice, causing Malfoy to pale. Slowly turning, he, as well as his two lackeys, and Harry's group, spotted three robotic ... turtles, floating a dozen feet off the ground, red eyes glaring at Malfoy.

"What the bloody hell are those?" cried Ron.

"Robot turtles she builds," said Harry quietly. "And somehow, they work in Hogwarts."

"Initiate Program: One," the robots said in unison, as their chest plates opened, revealing missiles.

"I'd run if I were you," said Harry, as he gathered his books. The robots tended to not understand little things like proximity to what they were protecting, thus ending up blasting their Master as often as they did the attacker.

Still was fun to see them chase Snape about.

"Harry?" asked Ginny, seeing him pack up quickly. "You have weird tastes in women."

"WE WERE NOT DATING!" yelled the Boy-Who-Lived, as his friends quickly followed suit, just as the first missile was launched at the now paler Slytherin.