A Totally Ridicules Voyager Borg Story

Copyright disclaimer: The characters and concept of Star Trek Voyager belong to Rick Berman, Michael Piller and Jeri Taylor. I'm just borrowing them and I promise to return them to the toy box, without any damage, when I'm through playing with them.

Similarities with any person from real live are accidental.


Naomi Wildman: "So are you going to rescue Seven?"

Janeway: (bents forward and whispers into little Naomi's ear) "There are three important things about being a Starfleet Captain; tuck in your shirt, go down with your ship and never abandon a member of your crew."

Harry Kim: "Captain, we're being hailed."

Chakotay: "Who is it?"

Harry Kim: "Rick Berman."

Janeway: "On screen."

Rick: "You're not going to rescue Seven of Nine! This is a good situation to leave her behind. She just gets too much attention."

Chakotay: "He's right Kathryn."

Someone pushes Rick aside. "Listen to me Katy, you're going to help her."

Janeway: "Jeri Taylor, nice to see you again."

Jeri: "You know we love her. Besides, I want you to kick the Borg Queen's ass."

Janeway: "I just did it last month. Do you think I look pretty in green light, or what?"

Jeri: "Don't argue, Katy. Just do it." to Rick "No further discussion."

Rick: "Ok, rescue the damn ice queen."

Janeway: "Harry, scan for the frequency of Seven's cortical implant."

Harry Kim: "Aj Captain."

Chakotay: "Kathryn, you should know that I'm not sure if it is a wise decision to face the Borg again. Besides, she really gets a lot of attention."

Janeway: (Gives him a half-smile) "Objection noted, but I really have to get back my velocity partner."

Harry Kim: "Captain! A Borg cube is four light years ahead and Seven is on it."

Janeway: "Ok, Tom, go to warp, Harry, hail them"

Sudden voices out of nowhere: "We are the Borg. Lower you shields and surrender you ship. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. We are the Borg."

Harry Kim: (looks startled)

Tuvok: (raises his eyebrow)

Janeway: "Now can we get past this? I want to speak the Queen."

Tom Paris: "Captain, remember, you're the queen."

Janeway: "This is no Captain Proton simulation, Tom."

Tuvok: "Too bad, we could have destroyed the Borg cube with Chaotica's death array."

Chakotay: (mutters under his breath) "The Vulcan is joking and the Captain is once again chasing the Borg. Am I the only sane person on board?"

Borg Queen: (appears on screen) Captain Janeway. You? Again?

Janeway: (gives the Borg Queen a cracked smile) You thought you're the only tough gal in the galaxy, don't you?

Borg Queen: "Toughness is irrelevant."

Janeway: "Maybe, but Seven isn't. Hand her over or I'll destroy your cube."

Borg Queen: "What makes you think so? Your ship is nothing more than an galactic rubber duck, compared to the cube."

Tom Paris: (chuckles) "Finally they have assimilated humour. I've won the bet, B'Elanna owes me three holodeck hours."

Janeway: "Aww, Queeny. Do you really think you can threaten us with you arrogant Borg superiority?"

Seven: (pushes the Borg Queen aside and appears on screen) "She can. It has nothing to do with arrogance, but with the fact that she could let Voyager destroy with a single thought."

Tuvok: "She is correct."

Harry Kim: "On top of that two more cubes and one sphere are approaching." (in a lower voice) "Will I get hurt, Captain?"

Janeway: (gives Harry a motherly look) "No you won't, I promise."

(Suddenly a list of names appears on the screen)

Janeway: "What's this?"

Seven appears again: "This is a list of all crewmembers who died under your command."

Janeway: "Clearly, your shit list is impressive. Your point?"

Seven: "I'm not insulting you, Captain, on the contrary. All these persons came on board with unique personalities and you accepted their death. I required your constant assistance to develop mine. That's why you feel your task is incomplete. But I want you to know, that the failure has been mine, not yours."

Janeway: "Aww Seven, not this conversation again. We just had it last week and the w.."

Tom Paris: (turns around in his seat) "C'mon, Captain. Don't be so rude. She's hurt. Tell her how proud you are."

Seven: "My feelings are irrelevant, Mister Paris."

Janeway: (to Seven) "Are they?" (to Tom) "We're in the Delta Quadrant. Rude is part of the job."

Seven: "Please go now. Otherwise you'll be assimilated."

Janeway: (mutters under her breath) "Now, that would be a chance to find out what's going on in this Borg mind of yours."

Chakotay: (leans closer) "Beg your pardon?"

Janeway: "No Seven, I'm never leaving without you. That's part of the show, you know that."

Jeri's voice out of nowhere: "Yeah Katy, give us a nice scene in the Queen's chamber. And don't forget one of these impressive compression phaser riffles."

Janeway: (in a dangerously low voice) "I know you all have fun watching me in this green Borg light."

Neelix: "If you don't hurry over to the cube, Captain, they will assimilate Seven. She'll get this pale face again, what looks even more disastrous in green light."

Janeway: "You're right Mister Neelix, but coffee first."

Neelix: "That's why I'm here." hands her a steaming mug.

Janeway: (takes a sip and sighs heavily) "Bridge to engine room."

B'Elanna Torres: "Yes Captain."

Janeway: "Please report to the transport room. Tuvok and me will be there in a minute. We'll beam over to the Borg cube."

B'Elanna: (growles low) "Kahless, why it's always me to go an a rescue mission for the ice queen?" (louder) "Alright Captain."


(Janeway, Tuvok and B'Elanna are marching down the gangways of the cube, carrying real big riffles.)

Tuvok: "Captain, we have exactly 10 minutes to find Seven and beam out before the drones will take notice and assimilate us."

B'Elanna: "So which way to the chamber?"

Janeway: "How should I know? These corridors look all the same. Any suggestions, Tuvok?"

Tuvok: "Indeed, I suggest to let one of us partially assimilate in order to create a link with Seven. She will guide us to the chamber."

Janeway: "Ok, do it, B'Elanna!"

B'Elanna: "Err, that's no good idea. I mean, uhm, that would be pretty unhealthy for my unborn child."

Janeway: (smiles fondly) "I didn't know you're pregnant, Lanna."

Tuvok: (leans closer to B'Elanna and whispers) "Neither I did."

B'Elanna: (whispers to Tuvok) "Not yet!" (louder to Janeway) "Err, we know it since last week."

Tuvok: (still whispering) "Then I suggest you and Tom start tonight, otherwise the Captain might have questions in nine moth at the latest."

Janeway: "Ok, since it would also be too dangerous for Tuvok, because of his telepathic abilities I have to do it myself."

Tuvok: "I will extract nanoprobes from a drone and inject it you."

Janeway: "Oh this will give me a headache for weeks."

Tuvok: "Hold still, please." (injects Janeway nanoprobes with the hypospray)

(B'Elanna and Tuvok hold their breath and stare at Janeway. Suddenly an implant pops up at her forehead and a small ridge builds from her nose to her hair line.)

B'Elanna: "Pretty. Gives you a nice Klingon touch. I always thought you have an inner Klingon.)

Tuvok: (raises an eyebrow) "Either this or a bipolar disorder."

Janeway: (gives him her trademark stare) "Don't make me tell everybody what the flu really is you get every seven years, old friend."

Tuvok: (unimpressed by Janeway's threat to tell everybody about his phon farr) Have you already made contact with Seven?

Janeway: (thinks, but of course you can hear it) "Seven? Where are you?"

Seven: (thinks and you can hear it too) "As usual, in the Queen's Chamber."

Janeway: (thinks) "How shall we proceed?"

Seven: (thinks) "I'll submit you a floor plan and the frequency of the shields around the Chamber, so you can burn a whole into the door and impress the queen. Now please remain silent otherwise the collective will detect your presence."

Janeway: "Tuvok, B'Elanna follow me."


Borg Queen: (disgusted) "Janeway. I can feel her presence."

Seven: (triumphantly) "You failed."

Borg Queen: "We'll see. The show is not over yet."

(Suddenly the door blasts open and Janeway, Tuvok and B'Elanna enter the Chamber.)

Borg Queen: (looks at the Captain and smiles salaciously) "Janeway. New hairstyle? Not bad"

Janeway: (smirks) "Wish I could say the same to you."

Tuvok: "No time for small talk, Captain."

(Drones start walking towards the three Starfleet Officers.)

B'Elanna: "Freeze, Queen. You know we have some shots, before you have adapted. I'll make sure to spare a shot for you."

Queen: "This Klingon aggressiveness is always so annoying."

Janeway: "Better than Borg arrogance, I'd say."

Seven: "Captain, do you make me pay for the list?"

Janeway: "No for the list I make you loose at least three rounds of velocity."

anonymous drone: "You play velocity? I always considered it a fun game. If you take me on Voyager I'll help you to get out of here."

B'Elanna: (mutters under her breath) "Voyager must be on top of the Borg Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy." (louder) "Respect, Captain. Any more Borg on our ship and I'll break the warp core, I swear."

Janeway: "Sorry, pal, you heard my chief engineer."

Seven: (thinks and again you can hear it) "Captain. You must target the conductor on the Queen's head. It will disconnect her from the hive mind."

(Janeway targets the conductor and shoots)

Borg Queen: "You have ruined my hairstyle!"

Janeway: "I'm sure you can fix it. After all you have assimilated Picard's haircutter skills."

B'Elanna: (shoots down some drones) "This is for insulting my Klingon half."

Tuvok: (pushes his com badge) "Mister Kim, four to beam out."

Harry Kim: "Sorry Sir, I can't get a lock, still to much shielding. Leave the Chamber and walk 200 meters to the left, there it should be possible."

Tuvok: "Acknowledged. We must go immediately. We have only 74 seconds left until the collective will notice us."

Janeway: "Run everybody!"

Seven: "Captain, I can't. I'm wearing four inch high heels."

Janeway: "Who makes you wear these? Take them off, that's an order."

Seven: (takes off her shoes) "It was the Doctor."

(Janeway, Tuvok, B'Elanna and Seven are running to the given coordinates and are beamed out.)


Janeway: "I don't know what's about you, but I'm glad to be back on Voyager. Borg vessels make my skin crawl."

Tuvok: "I agree."

Harry Kim: "And I didn't get hurt this time, great!"

Neelix: "Fresh coffee for you, Captain."

Janeway: "Thank you. I tell you, coffee, the greatest liquid of the galaxy. I beat the Borg with it."

Seven: (raises her ocular implant.) "In fact."

Chakotay: "As your first officer I'll not allow you to drink any more coffee. It just makes you go on crazy away missions."

Harry Kim: "We're being hailed."

Chakotay: "On screen."

Jeri: "Great show, Katy. Now go down to sickbay and let this Borg implant remove, will you?"

Janeway: "OK, Chakotay, you have the bridge. Tom, bring us out of here, Warp 9."

Tom Paris: (enthusiastically) "Yes Ma'am!"

Fade To Black. The End.