Digimon: Digimon doesn't belong to me.
Fall of an Angel
I am entitled to my own opinions.
If you can't stand Hikari being evil or Jyou being hurt, rape or lust, it is my advice that you click on the back button now. Other than that, it is your fault if you become thoroughly disgusted with this fanfic. It's not my problem if you do not have the brains to go back when you can just because you want to flame me or disgust yourself. Any other questions?
I am pretty sure my computer hates me, so it screwed up the story a bit. I did some editing and re-uploaded it. That's why it's up again. Also because it got pushed down but hey, I figure that if it gets pushed down, the less flames I get because I have just turned dear little Hikari chan into some nasty lustful monster wannabe.
In terms of ages, Jyou is 24; Taichi, Yamato, and Sora are 23; Koushiro and Mimi are 22; Daisuke, Ken, Miyako, Takeru, and Hikari are 20; and Iori is 17. Like it really matters though.
RATED R FOR LUST, RAPE, LANGUAGE, ETC.
There's a song. Every time I hear it, I can't tell if I want to feel disgusted or if I can relate to the song. The song is "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan. And it was that song that made me decide to finally go after him when I had a chance.
It's stupid, really. I don't really like the song, but it's always in my head.
I think it's driving me crazy.
Then again, most people think I already am.
Should I start from the beginning? When my obsession for him started to grow? Or should I just start at the very beginning of that night? Should I explain, or should I just talk about what I did? Do I even care? Do you even care? Why should I tell my story? I've only told one person, so maybe one more doesn't matter. Look at me, I'm talking to myself. I'm acting as if I'm two people. Maybe I have multiple personalities, like that woman in the movie "Sybil". Maybe the real Hikari is Sybil, and the angel Hikari is just one of her different identities. Maybe there is no real Hikari. Maybe it was always the angel or the monster, never one or the other.
I don't know.
From across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
Memories trapped in time,
To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure about why I started lusting after him. I mean, he was very attractive, and there is always the appeal of him being older than me. You know what they say… girls love older men. It might also have been how he was always being so reliable; being there for the team, bringing the supplies, all of that stuff. So maybe I just assumed that he would also love me.
But he never really loved me… not the way I loved him. Not the way I wanted him to love me. The way I wanted him to love me, he showed to somebody else.
I have always envied Mimi. She has the perfect life, the perfect personality, the perfect everything. Not only did she have the man I loved, but she had clothes, was a single child, extremely popular, gorgeous… guys would slobber after her. When she also got the man I loved, I started to hate her desperately. She had about a hundred guys asking her out every day. Why did she need him too? I was soooo envious of her about that. She had everything she wanted, and I had almost nothing but a wise cracking fur ball with an attitude and claws sharp enough to make evil Digimon into a work like Picasso's art. And when Gatomon was killed in the battle, I was so envious and hurt. Palmon had lived. Why couldn't have Gatomon? And when we went to go look for the Digiegg, we couldn't find it. So I lost her too. It's just not fair. Takeru found Patamon after he died as Angemon. Why couldn't Gatomon have come back to me too? Why did I have to lose my best friend?
Stupid Gatomon. Why'd you have to die? If you hadn't, then maybe I would still be the sweet Hikari you had always known. Or maybe it wouldn't have made a difference because my decision was built on a lot of things: especially that I no longer wanted to be that perfect little angel everybody thought I was. I wanted to show my true self… but to be frank, nobody wanted to see that. Except him. He encouraged it, but I don't think he really knew how I was like either. It's not really fair, that I have to be oh so perfect. If Miyako had suddenly stood up and said she wanted to be a Las Vegas showgirl, we would have laughed. If I had said that, I would have found myself in the rubber room quicker than you can say 'just kidding.'
Since I'm laying blame, I can also place blame on Takeru and Daisuke. Every time they fought over me, it made my head swell. I was gorgeous to them, and they would probably climb Mt. Everest just to get the chance to kiss me. And no guarantees about the kiss either. They would be acting like the love sick fools they were to climb the mountain and then, when they got to the top, they would probably try to kill each other.
After a while, it got boring, but they never seemed to tire of it. To them, it was as if they were knights in shining armor and I was their maiden in distress. I really wish their armor could have just rusted and forced both to just back off because their battle scared off any other potential boyfriends, just because everybody figured that I would belong to the one who won the battle. As if I was a trophy or something.
But I'm not a maiden in distress. That's about as likely as anybody ever believing that I'm an angel.
And there's the matter of the available Digidestined. Taichi is my brother, so he's definitely out. Yamato, I know for a fact, is either in love with Sora or my brother… I no longer can tell which. Either way, he never liked me more than a little sister. Takeru and Daisuke annoyed me out of my mind, Koushiro was more in love with his computer than anything else (except now Miyako), Iori was too young, and Ken… well, he was too similar to me. It irked me to think that maybe he might be thinking the same things I might be thinking. Besides, I never really liked him… not since the Digital Emperor thing. That left him, my so far unmentioned obsession. And he was always really nice to me. Tutoring me when I needed help, helping me write my college entrance essays, doing special things for me… I thought he liked me. I thought that he wanted me just as badly as I wanted him.
Obviously, I was wrong. He was in love with Mimi. He saw me as a little sister, not as his girlfriend. I kinda wish that I had told him. Told him that I loved him. Maybe then we could have avoided all of this, you know? But every time I tried to tell him my feelings, I would feel myself burning up, as if I was being thrown into the frying pan. Then he would ask me if I was all right, and I would have to nod quickly and the subject would be dropped. But I always felt like I needed him, and that longing was the equivalent of lust. Never did, never will.
Especially after what I did to him that night.
And solitude my guide,
Would I spent forever here
And not be satisfied ?
To be frank, I wouldn't have been able to do it, if I hadn't blackmailed my brother into helping me. Yeah, he was against it from the start, but I didn't care. I was tired of wanting something that I couldn't have, so I finally decided that I would take matters into my own hands. And that required using somebody older than me and with the ability to outpower my love. Or to be more accurate, the person that I was obsessed with.
You see, there is very little that I have that I really wanted. I wanted Gatomon back. I wanted people to understand that I couldn't always be their perfect angel. I wanted them to understand that this isn't the real me. But I didn't have any of those. And when my mind realized that at least one of my dreams could come true, I had to jump for the opportunity. Because finally… finally, I had a chance to make at least one of my dreams come true. The night before that night, he called and asked if I was needing any help in college. Not really, actually, but I said yes anyway. Then he said he could come over and help me because at his college, it was currently winter break. I asked him to come, and maybe spend the night. He agreed, saying something about how it would be like old times when all the Digidestined would get together and do silly things like truth and dare, twister, cards… I muttered something that sounded vaguely like 'whatever', but when I hung up the phone, that's when I really realized what I had just done. My parents were out on a happy anniversary trip, and Taichi was also at home for his winter break, as was I.
Eventually, I approached my brother and told him what I wanted to do.
"Hikari, have you gone totally and completely insane? You can't do things like that… I don't believe it! Who are you, and what have you done with my sister???"
That made me mad. See? Already, just because I was expressing what I really want, he was shocked and looked about ready to drag me to the nearest nuthouse to throw me in, lock me up, and throw away the key.
"I'm not asking for your help, Taichi. I'm telling you to help me."
"And why do you think I would help you?"
"Well, I'm sure your school would love to find out that Mr. Popularity is gay. I'm sure your best friend would just adore finding out that you're in love with him."
"That's not funny, Hikari."
"I never said it was."
"Hikari, what the hell has happened to you?"
"Nothing! I'm just tired of being your little angel! I want to do things my way for once!"
"You know I love you very much as an older brother, but you have finally lost your mind. I'm not doing it. He's my friend."
"Then gimme the phone, I need to call Miyako."
"Cause she's the biggest gossip in the world."
Taichi turned as white as a sheet. If there was one thing we were agreeing about at the moment, it was that.
"Will you help me now?" I asked, knowing that there was no way he wouldn't say no.
He muttered something, but I couldn't really hear because it was directed to the ground, but it sounded like yes. I smiled.
"Thank you big brother."
He just grunted and hid behind his book.
To hold you down,
Kiss you so hard,
The doorbell rang at 6:30, and I looked expectantly at Taichi. He still had his head buried inside a book, and he was shaking like crazy. He was probably still angry at me, and he looked like he was hoping that he would collapse or something before he could do anything wrong. The doorbell rang again, and Taichi still didn't move. I was ready to get up and kick him, when he glared at me. Clearly, he was saying that he wasn't going to be the one to open the door. I finally sighed and opened the door. Jyou blinked, his finger about a centimeter from the doorbell. Smiling sheepishly, he brought his hand down and looked at me. I could feel myself turn crimson as I stared at him longingly. He was just soooooo attractive. I saw him raise an eyebrow at my stare, and I had to force myself back to reality before opening the door wider to let him in.
"Hi Jyou. Come on in," I chirped as I moved out of the way. God… maybe I can't do this to him. It's just so twisted and evil and I don't want to do this anymore. Oy… well, we'll see how the night turns out, I guess.
"So, Angel, having trouble in college?" he asked, and I couldn't help but blush at his nickname for me. That's just the kind of guy he is, I guess.
Ooh boy, I don't think I can do this anymore.
"It's okay… Taichi, guess who's here?" I asked cheerfully, but Taichi just muttered a hello, head still in his book.
Jyou looked at me, and I shrugged and smiled, "He's upset about how he lost a bet with Yamato."
I could practically see big brother stiffen and resist the urge to strangle me, but he wouldn't, even if Jyou wasn't here. Jyou just blinked and said "Oh."
Then he started talking to me about college and whatever troubles I might have. He was so serious, but every once in a while, he would drop the serious face and laugh when I told him about any silly problems I had. The time passed by so quickly, and I think I spent more time just staring at him then anything else. He was wearing a dark blue shirt and jeans (very attractive), and the way he listened to everything I said was amazing. He cared about what I said, and he never tried to convince me that something else was better.
Suddenly, he looked down at his watch, and stood up.
"Um… sorry, Angel, but I got to get going."
"But I thought you said you would stay. You don't have anything to study for, do you?" I begged, and I could hear a page rip. Very loudly. We both turned to look at Taichi, who just looked back at us as if he didn't understand why he was staring at us.
"What?" he asked innocently, and another loud rip was heard as he tore another page.
I just shook my head, and he went back to his reading, better known as glaring at me from behind a book.
"I would stay, Hikari, but Mimi's back from college in America, and I promised I would take her out to a movie. We haven't seen each other for months"
I felt a flare of anger grow in me, but I swallowed it, instead putting on my best puppy dog look.
"Please stay, Jyou! Mimi will understand!" I pleaded desperately. He blinked, and repeated apologetically.
"I'm sorry. I really want to see her tonight. You understand, don't you Angel?"
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear,
"Just a little longer?" I pleaded.
"I really am sorry, Angel, but I do have to go."
"Hey, I promise that I'll make it up to you, all right?"
I think I would have been happier if he sounded impatient or angry. But he just sounded so absolutely patient and perfect… oh my god, I can't believe I'll do this. But he's trying to leave me. He can't leave me!
My frustration finally changed to anger, and I turned to glare at Taichi, who was staring at me thorough a hole in his book that he had ripped through the pages and cover.
I continued to glare at him. He knew perfectly well what I wanted, and I wanted it now. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of never getting a single thing I wanted. All this time, all I've ever wanted was for people to understand me, but I never could get that either, could I? Now I finally had a chance for something else that I've been wanting, and I needed his help for it.
And he knew that.
"Jyou, could you wait just one minute? Please?" I begged.
He smiled at me.
"All right, Hikari, but only one minute, okay?"
"Okay," I chirped, and resumed glaring at Taichi.
He also continued to stare at me through his book.
"I'll call Miyako," I hissed, "And maybe Yamato right afterwards?"
Taichi was shaking furiously at this point, and I took a quick glance at Jyou to make sure he wasn't watching.
He was looking at his watch. Probably counting down the number of minutes until he could go see Mimi again, I bet.
"You'll regret this, Hikari," he hissed back.
"Maybe later. Not now," I snapped back.
Jyou finally turned and looked at me questionably. I smiled, my smile fake.
"I've got to go to my room now, Jyou. Thanks for coming over."
I could just see the confusement in his eyes and hear his thoughts. Why would I be so eager to leave when I had been so desperate to keep him there?
I just gave him a misleading smile before I walked away.
So many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
To find the truth enslaved,
I sat down on the bed, and through the door I could hear a surprised yell from Jyou. I wondered vaguely is Jyou would be able to beat up Taichi, since he is older and he has been working out a little more. But Taichi is on the soccer team…
Several minutes later, the door slammed open, and Taichi glared at me. "I'm going somewhere. I'll be back later. You better be done," he spat out before walking away.
I just sat there looking at the empty doorway for a while. Several seconds later, the front door slammed shut.
I looked through the door. Jyou was on the couch, unconscious. I think I would have been quite content to spend the rest of the night just staring at him, but I reminded myself that this was my only chance, and I should take it. After all, my only chance to have one thing. If I couldn't show my true self to the others without having to fear for my reputation and sanity, then I wasn't going to give up the chance to lose my only opportunity for one thing.
Before I decided to take the opportunity, I figured I would get ready at least. It isn't every day that something like this happens, right? I sighed contently. I was so close. Only a couple more minutes before one of my wildest fantasies could finally have the ability to come true. I gave him a quick kiss, and he stirred slightly. Acting quickly before he could wake up, I found some duct tape and tied his wrists together behind his back before settling down to wait for him to fully regain conscious.
And you speak to me in rhymes,
My body aches to breathe your breath,
Your words keep me alive,
That night, I guess you could say that I had a ball. I did things I didn't even know were possible, things that would have irked me. But my lust had become a monster, and nothing would satisfy its appetite. My sanity was overwhelmed by the monster, as was my judgement and morals. But then again, if I had been willing to do this in the first place, maybe I didn't have sanity, judgement, or morals. Maybe the monster had eaten them before any of it had taken place.
Every time he tried to struggle, I would punish him by hurting him. My insanity… my monster made me stronger than I ever was, and I hurt him badly. He was bleeding from a split lip and other places, his glasses broken, and life in his eyes died. No part of him above the waist went unscratched as I gave myself pleasure by using his body. I forced myself on him, kissing him, touching him, hurting him, sucking on him, using him, raping him.
I think I went completely insane. Even when he had ceased to fight me, I would still hurt him because I thought that he should be enjoying it as I was. It didn't make sense to me that he didn't want any of it, and I don't think I really cared. I had wanted him for so long, and now I had him. I was going to do everything in my power to make it last.
When I was tired of hurting him physically, I hurt him sexually, kissing him wherever I could. Running my hands through his rather long navy blue hair, the rest of me trailed down his body, leaving to me a trail of kisses, to him, a trail of pain, no doubt.
Too soon, I was no longer seeing him as the person I had fallen madly in love with. I saw him only as something that I could use, something to pleasure me. I didn't care that he had feelings, that he wanted to get away from me and never get near me again, that he wanted me to stop. All that mattered to me was me, myself, and I.
Shit, I did everything that didn't go beyond dragging him to the chapel and marrying him off to me. Or getting myself a baby because somewhere in that monster that had taken over me, a little sanity remembered about birth control.
That night, I took away everything. I had known for a while he had been having trouble controlling his own future, but by doing what I did to him, I took away even more. I took away himself, the one thing that everybody is
given and should always be in control of. But he didn't even have control of that thing… his body… after what I did, did he?
Maybe it never was love. Maybe it was just power. I think that somewhere between all that pain and humiliation I was causing him, I realized that I didn't really love him, but just what he could give me. What he could give me was control. Trust me, he wasn't the only one who didn't have control over his life. I never had it either. I couldn't ever be myself, and now that I finally had the chance to have control over something, I wanted it.
And it never occurred to me that what I was doing was absolutely wrong, until after the incident. And I guess I can't forget my thoughts right before I fell asleep from exhaustion on his unconscious body, that sometime between the first forced kiss and the last pain I had caused him which resulted in him losing consciousness the time when his eyes that somehow seemed to full of life completely lost its light and resulted in nothing but emptiness and darkness.
That night, I think he lost all the light he had in his life.
Kind of like me.
We both lost our light that night.
To hold you down,
Kiss you so hard,
When I finally woke up, I wasn't on top of Jyou anymore. I was lying on the couch, and there were two people glaring furiously at me. I blinked and sat up, looking around.
"Jeez, what do you think?" Taichi asked sarcastically.
I glared at him, "Where is he?"
"Last time we checked, showering. Probably trying to wash away the memories, but I have a little feeling that he won't be succeeding," Yamato replied.
"What do you mean, last time?" I demanded, in a lousy mood.
"Jeez, do you really expect us to check on him every minute? Hikari, what the hell did you do to him?" Yamato growled angrily, and I glared back at him.
"None of your business."
"It's my business whenever it involves my friends."
Taichi had left me and Yamato to get involved in a glaring contest with each other. A couple minutes, he came back and said simply, "He's gone."
Yamato rolled his eyes, "Like that was unexpected. Jyou isn't really that dumb last time I checked. If I was him, I would also want to get away from her as quickly as possible."
I glared at him,"That isn't funny."
"Was it meant to be?"
"Hikari, where would he go? We should find him before he tries to kill himself," Taichi questioned impatiently.
"Why on earth would he try to kill himself?"
Before Taichi could answer, Yamato clenched his fists and towered over me, looking like he was ready to kill me as he answered.
"Hikari Kamiya, do you have any fucking idea about what you did? You took away the control of one of the few things that he could control. He was already having enough trouble controlling his own damn future, and you certainly weren't helping matter!" Yamato screeched. I looked at Taichi, and he had the same look on his face that Yamato did.
"You destroyed him," Yamato snarled, his face unable to hide his rage anymore. "You destroyed everything that his life stood for and you liked it. Something inside your sick and perverted soul found pleasure in pulling apart the frail pieces that were tied together to make his soul." His next words would haunt me forever. "You're nothing but a goddamn monster."
I didn't say anything as I grabbed my jacket and led the way outside.I never cried, not even a single tear.
I didn't regret what I had done.
Not a single thing.
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear,
He was in front of the ice cream store that Jyou always brought me to when I got good grades on my report card and sometimes whenever we felt like it. He was sitting there limply, jacket slightly off and the shirt's first button unbuttoned. He looked slightly unconscious, blue hair stewed all over his face. I think I was the most shocked at his condition, as if I couldn't believe what I had done to him. I was there, I was the one who did all that, but it seemed to be unbelievable that I could do something like that. He probably would have looked dead if it hadn't been for the slow steady up and down movement of his chest, indicating that he was still breathing. He was still alive... at least a part of him was still alive.
He looked lost, and I don't know what he was seeing when he stared at the darkness in the store. I shivered slightly at the darkness, as if I could feel it pulling myself in.
"Jyou?" Yamato waved a hand in front of his face and Jyou just stared at him blankly. He blinked and stared at the rest of us, and immediately paled when he saw me, but he didn't say anything. His silence spoke enough.
"You okay?" Yamato asked louder, but Jyou didn't answer.
Taichi immediately figured out what was wrong, and touched Yamato lightly on the shoulder.
"Yamato, I'll take Hikari home. Can you handle Jyou?"
I looked surprisingly at my older brother, who ignored me. Before I could protest, he grabbed me roughly and dragged me towards home. I took a quick look behind me, and I could see that Jyou was too weak to stand, and when he tried he collapsed into Yamato's arms, and then he started to cry silently. His sobs wracked his body, his fists beating silently against Yamato's chest.The whole world fell silent in that instant, and I stood transfixed, unable to look away. I did this to him. Me. The angel. Behind him, the darkness was still trying to pull me in, and I probably would have been sucked in if Taichi hadn't dragged me furiously away from the scene.
That brought me back to reality quickly.
"Taichi, let go of me right now!" I screeched angrily, fighting his grip.
"Why? So you can go back and freak him out some more? My god, Hikari. Yamato's right. You are a monster." For one of the first times in my life I saw fear on my brother's face. "You enjoy freaking him out, don't you? You want to do it some more."
"I wouldn't. Let go or I really will call up Miyako!" By now I was furious, color rising to my cheeks. New feelings were starting to emerge inside of myself- bitterness, betrayal, rage. A new sense of power. "Does Yamato know about your secret crush yet?" Taichi paused, his fists still clenched around my arm. He gave me another rough shove.
"Yes, he does."
I blinked in surprise. He told him?
"You told him?"
He ignored me and kept dragging me back home.
The entire time, I felt the cold wind pulsing through me, the darkness calling me, the light disappearing.
Cold. Darkness. Light disappearing. Such a contrast from the guardian of light that I was supposed to be.
They were all me.
It's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of the path
I fear to tread,
It didn't seem real when morning came. It was as if everything that had happened that night was nothing but a dream and a nightmare all rolled into one. I didn't realize until morning came that I had been dreading morning. Yes, Taichi told Yamato. As fate would have it, pretty little Yamato loved him back, so now the two are a happy little couple. Anything I could say was no longer useful, and he knew that.
God, how I hated it when I realized everything that I had built my life on slowly being dissolved, like a sandcastle on the edge of the sea. Each person's comments was just another wave, tearing away the layers of my damned soul. Taichi, being the kind and caring brother he was, recommended me to a nice mental institute. My parents, after hearing what their little 'angel' had done, agreed quickly. They didn't want a large mess of legal issues that might spoil the family name. Which is basically how I ended up spending the majority of five years staring at a white wall and having to deal with room mates who occasionally tried to kill me because they thought I was their ex-girlfriend who had dumped them or something, the days dripping slowly into months and years, with only the cold memories of that night to keep me company.
"Hikari Kamiya? You have a visitor."
I had never thought that it would be Mimi that I would see when I walked in. Ever since she found out what I had done, she had vowed never to speak to me again, look at me again, or voluntarily get in a ten mile radius of me.
She hated me with more vengence than I thought possible in a woman.... and I don't really think I blamed her.
And here she is, only two feet away from me, looking directly at me, and ready to speak.
And what would she want to talk about anyway? What did she lose? She still has her perfect life,her looks, her money, her boyfriend, while me… I've got a room in a nut house.
When she saw me looking at her, she turned away and faced the wall as not to see my face. Kind of her. For a while, I thought that she wasn't going to say anything, but she finally gave me a side long glance.
"Jyou tried to kill himself today."
That caused me to look at her in surprise. Finally, I squeaked, "Did he succeed?"
She sighed. "Maybe. Maybe not. He's in the hospital now. If he stabilizes from the blood loss, then he'll be all right."
I glared at her. The Jyou that I knew would never do that. "You're lying."
"Am I?" she replied, pain in her brown eyes. Pain that could not be faked by even the best actress in the world.
No, her pain was real. I watched her. No matter how much I hate Mimi, she was the Digidestined of sincerity, and she was definitely being sincere.
"No. You're not," I muttered, closing my eyes. This was all my fault, wasn't it? Why couldn't I had stayed a perfect little angel instead of insisting that I had to show my true self? Why did I have to believe that doing such awful things would help me?
She turned slowly and looked at the floor, her face hidden behind a mask of indifferent grief. "Hikari… I was wondering. Why'd you do it?" Her words can out barely louder than a whisper. "And to Jyou? What had he ever done to you? And what had happened to you?" Her shoulders sank. "You always were such a nice person. If you had told me when I got home from college that you would… well, do something like that, I wouldn't have believed it. No one would have."
I looked at Mimi. She still wasn't looking at me, instead staring at her lap. I highly doubted that she really wanted an answer, but I wanted to give her one. I was tired of keeping it in. I was tired of always hiding it from the psychologists who kept on asking questions that I didn't want to answer and that seemed absolutely irrelevant to anything.
"Mimi, before it happened, how would you have described me?" I asked quietly, trying not to look at her. For a moment, she didn't say anything. Finally, she whispered, "An angel."
"Exactly. That's what I was to everybody. That's all I was. An angel. But I wasn't really an angel. Never was." I fought for the right words, waiting at least one person to understand what I had gone through. "Maybe you can understand it. For so long, everybody thought you were a ditzy girl. Nobody thought you could succeed. You were depressed, and you stopped pretending to be a ditz and actually became a ditz. Am I right?"
She blinked, surprised.
"How'd you know that?"
I shrugged, "Jyou told me. And how hard was it for you to pull yourself together and prove that you weren't the ditzy girl that everybody thought you were."
"It… it was very hard. I don't know why I was scared, but I thought that everybody would start hating me if I tried to be the person I truly was. I think it was my crest of sincerity that really made me change. I wasn't being sincere when I pretended to be ditzy Mimi Tachikawa. That was never me."
I nodded, "Exactly. Everybody thought I was an angel. From the very beginning, people said 'oh, there goes Hikari Kamiya. She is such a little angel.' Obviously, I wasn't. I'm not an angel, despite what everybody thinks. But if I stopped being that angel that everybody expected me to be, they would all be shocked. They wouldn't want to be near me anymore. They would think that I was insane and they would throw me into the insane asylum. They would try to convince themselves that the person I was showing them wasn't the real me, but it was. I'm not an angel. I never was. My entire life was like a lie because I was trying to be somebody that I couldn't. And I had to lie for so long. Ever since I was nice to the first kid, I always had to be that angel. Nobody wanted to know the real me, they all liked the angel, and they would never accept the true me.
"Even when I tried to break through, I never could. Those brief times when I stopped being that perfect angel, everybody thought I was feeling feverish. So eventually, I stopped. I kept living my lie. And eventually it was spinning out of control. Because no matter what I did, I couldn't get anywhere.
"That's why I hated you so much. You had the crest of sincerity. If you decided to have a 180 personality change, nobody would question you because that was your crest. Any action you do would be sincere. And you had everything too. Everything you were, I wanted to have. Your life. Your actions. The fact that people wouldn't doubt you when you did something that normally would have caused others to ask if you were feeling sick.
"By the time the… incident happened, I was so tired of all of it. I was tired of living a lie. I couldn't tell anybody that it was a lie because they would think I was joking. Then I would have to go back to being an angel. I was tired of not being able to get anything that I wanted, that I would have to keep lying to get people's respect. But every time I kept living that lie, I lost another part of myself.
"I guess what I saw in him was an actual chance to get one thing that I had wanted. If I couldn't have an actual truthful life, then at least I could have him. I… I jumped at the opportunity. And now that I did, I wish I didn't. But then again, if I hadn't, I guess I would still be living my perfect little angel life. I would never get the life that I still want. Maybe it would have ended up with me doing something more drastic, like jumping off a cliff. I don't know anymore.
"There was also a small matter of my own crest. I don't have the crest of sincerity, but the crest of light. And that is really a weird crest for me because I've been hiding in the dark for most of my life. It was as if at that moment, the light shined and showed the world who I really was.
"Yeah, I'm sorry for what I did. But I can't also help but wonder if it was for the better," my voice trailed off and left us in complete silence. Now she was staring at me and I couldn't look at her. I had just told her everything… my every secret, my every want, me. I had told her the complete truth.
Finally, she stood up, her eyes never leaving me. I could feel them burning a whole in me. I expected for her to attack me or something, for saying that I was kinda glad that I had done what I had done. That I hadn't completely repented my actions.
But she didn't.
"Hikari. I still can't forgive you. I understand you, but I can't forgive you. Because what you did was wrong, and no reason can ever dispute that fact."
I didn't look at her, "I know. You don't need to tell me."
"I'm not finished yet. Like I said, I understand you. And I can only say that I'm sorry for you. I can't believe I'm saying this because what you did made you a monster, but right now, I don't see a monster or an angel. I just see Hikari Kamiya, someone who was absolutely confused and took the wrong road which ended her up here.
"A part of me still hates you. It always will, I can't stop it. But know this. You have my sympathy, Hikari. You have my sorrow. I'm sorry for you. And I hope that one day, you'll be able to find some sense in your confused mind and make something out of it."
I didn't say anything as she got up and left, and when I finally looked up, she was already gone. I could feel tears tugging at my eyes.
I don't see a monster or an angel. I just see Hikari Kamiya, someone who was absolutely confused and took the wrong road which ended her up here.
I wiped away the tears before they could be released and whispered softly, "Thank you, Mimi san."
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied,
That all happened six years ago, when I finally shed my pride and refused to be denied what I wanted and what I knew was dead wrong. I've been released from the mental institute by now, and I spend most of my life wishing that I could go back and change everything, right from the first showing that I was an angel. Why, why, why couldn't I just be a normal person? Not an angel, not a monster. Just… the real me. Maybe if I had, then the majority of the Digidestined wouldn't spend half their time telling the world that they wanted nothing to do with me.
Jyou eventually recovered. It had turned out that he had slit his wrists, and everybody thought he was going to die because he had lost so much blood. The doctors call it a medical miracle. I call it… well, I don't know what to call it, actually. I'm just glad for him. And the funniest thing is that he's done it several times. Slit his wrists, I mean. It was just that this was the first time that he hadn't gotten caught soon enough to just get stitched up and released.
First time that he had almost gotten died after his suicide attempts. Half of me can't believe that I'm the one who led him to doing stuff like that. The other half of me isn't at all surprised.
However, soon after getting out of the hospital, he and Mimi dissapeared.
None of the others knew where he was, but later, they found out that the two were living in the Digiworld. Even then, nobody was sure of their exact location. Not even Koushiro, with all his computer skills.
Speaking of Koushiro, he ended up marrying Miyako. They now have three children, all of which do not know I exist. For the better, I suppose. Not that I really care. Ever since I've been released, I've stayed inside and hardly come out. Taichi comes about once a week to make sure I'm still alive.
As for Taichi, when he got back to college, everybody shunned him. He had been the most popular guy at college, and the girls were always fawning at his feet. But that was, of course, before they knew he was gay. And no matter how much some people won't care, there are just too many who find it disgusting. But I don't really think he cares, now that he has Yamato. The two married and adopted kids, and other then that, I don't really hear about them too much, even if Taichi does come once a week. Sora ended up just disappearing. I don't know if it was because of Taichi or Yamato. But she dissapeared, and I haven't heard of her since. Maybe the others have, but like I said, I would probably be the last to know.
Daisuke and Takeru ended up being one sorry two. Both were bitterly disappointed (and not to mention creeped out) when they found out what I did. Both are married, and have kids. But to this day, they still remain at each other's throats, even when their wives try to keep them apart. Humph. Maybe they had been using me as an excuse to fight each other, and had really just plain hated each other's guts and spent their fantasies dreaming of the many ways to dismantle the other.
Ken also dissapeared. Later, we found out that he had moved to America and married a wonderful woman there. He now lives in California, but other than that, we have no idea about his exact location. Then again, maybe they've just neglected to tell me, I don't know.
Iori never married. He's still alive and teaches kendo at the high schools.
As for me, I'm certainly no angel anymore, although I'm not the devil in disguise. Maybe I'm both. I'm not really sure. But I have ceased to care. At least I'm no longer living a lie. I don't really know what my future holds for me. And to be truthful, I don't really care either. I no longer bother to know the date. I have ceased caring if the sun should rise the next day, if an apocalypse should occur, if all life on earth should be destroyed. I just don't care. It's like my life. Nobody cares about me either. If Yamato didn't insist, I think Taichi would leave me to the dead. If Mimi hadn't said anything, I think the other Digidestined would have tried to kill me. Well, it doesn't matter. Maybe I should die.
What is death like anyway? Is it like being in a cocoon of darkness, never to move again? Do you have thoughts after death? Do you have anything? Or is it just completely over? There is no heaven or hell. It's just that you're gone for good. Never to have another thought. Never to see again. Never to hear again. Never to have contact with anybody again. Which is weird because that sounds a lot like my own life right now. Would death be an improvement? Heck, does it even matter? I think I'm stuck in a dead part of my life, and my life is death. I'm the Digidestined of light, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I'm lost in a cave of infinite darkness, the exact opposite of my crest.
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad to be dead right now either.
To hold you down,
Kiss you so hard,
Hikari Kamiya died on July 18. Nobody knows why and how she died. It wasn't suicide because there was no signs of drugs or poison or slit wrists, like myself. She wasn't sick either. It's just as if her heart had stopped. I really don't know what happened to her, and part of me wonders why on earth should I care.
But I do. I remember a small thing from my… own suicide attempt. Maybe it was a hallucination or something. Really, I'm not sure. But I do remember a light. And there was no voice telling me to go to the light. I thought I was dead or something. Heck, maybe I was. But after the light, I remember waking up to the outside world again. Then I remember getting strangled by Mimi shrieking with joy and happiness, and everybody else though. After that, I never tried to do it again. I felt that part of my depression had left me or something. And I think it was the lights. It sounds corny, I know. However, I think it was Hikari that helped me.
Which is weird because she's the one who took away the light. Yet somehow, I think she gave it back to me. I don't know how, and I don't think she knows it, but I do.
And Hikari herself… I don't know what to think about her anymore. No matter what happened, I don't think that sweet girl that I had loved as a little sister ever left her. It was overwhelmed by everything else. Maybe she wasn't an angel. Maybe she never was an angel, but I don't think she was ever a monster.
Mimi had told me what she had said to Hikari. And I think she was right.
I never saw an angel, or a monster. I just saw Hikari Kamiya.
Who, whichever way you want to look at it, is gone.
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear…
Black Rose's Notes:
Reviewing is your choice. I do not force people to review, I do not tell them not to review. If you wish to flame because this is a disgusting piece of crap and should be burned, may I so kindly remind you that it was your choice to read it, and I did not take you by the collar of your shirt, pin you to the computer, and force you to read this story. I suppose it has something to do with 'general will', something we have learned in world history.
After all, I am entitled to my own opinions, and I will write what I want to write. Of course, if it isn't always good, then it gets put under this pen name.
Although these notes have changed, one thing hasn't.
Child of the Faeries, thank you very much for helping me edit, and of course, supporting me when I thought I was simply going crazy for writing stuff like this. I don't think this fic would have been finished without you. Thank you so much.