By Marmalade Fever
Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim Harry Potter and any related insignia, which is the property of Ms. J.K. Rowling. No money is being made from this work of fanfiction.
A.N.: I've had this idea since before I even came up with the idea for Courting Miss Granger. I don't think I've come across any other DMHG fics using it, either, a fact that greatly surprises me. If parts of it sound vaguely familiar, there's a reason.
New! There is now an audio narration of this fanfic: www . marmaladefever . livejournal . com/ 24079 . html (Please remove spaces.)
Malena smacked her gum. "Anyway, I think the two of you would totally hit it off."
"Oh you do, do you?" Hermione asked, skeptically.
"Really dear, he's marvelous. He's rich, handsome, and has at least as much spunk as you do," the blonde woman said, blowing a bubble.
"But is he smart, Malena?" Hermione crossed and uncrossed her arms.
"My dear, he's brilliant." Malena smirked.
"And what's his name?" Hermione asked, calming down.
"Now that would spoil it, don't you think? I'd much rather that the two of you not do any extra research on each other just to prove me wrong." Malena blew another bubble and popped it with her fingernail.
"All right." Hermione sighed, exasperated.
"Excellent, darling! Meet him Saturday night at 8 at Chez Delish. Wear a yellow rose." Malena squealed. "You're going to LOVE him!"
"I hope you're right."
"You say she's pretty?" Draco asked, adjusting his collar in a mirror.
"She's to die for, darling," Malena assured him, blowing a bubble.
"Fine. I'll meet her," he said, adjusting the part in his hair with his wand.
Malena squealed. "Meet her at 8 o'clock, Saturday night at Chez Delish. Wear a yellow rose." She smiled. "You're going to LOVE her."
Hermione checked her watch. It was 7:58. She adjusted the yellow rose on her robes and walked into the crowded restaurant, scanning for a matching yellow rose. "No," she breathed.
Draco was early. He didn't like being early. He preferred being fashionably late. However, it seemed like a good idea to not make his date think she'd been stood-up. At 7:59 a shadow fell across his table and he glanced up to find a lovely young woman wearing a yellow rose. Then he adjusted himself so that he could make out her features. "Granger," he said, "drat."
"Malfoy!" Hermione responded. "Drat it all!"
"I'm going to kill Malena!" they both said.
Granger sat down, and Draco frowned at her. "She said you were pretty!"
"She said you were smart!"
"Well, I've got news for you, Granger. I am smart," Draco retorted.
"And I've got news for you, Malfoy. A waiter pinched my bum on the way in." They glared at one another.
"Why did you sit down?" Draco asked, his eyebrow raised.
"These heels are murder," she said, simply. "I'll be going now, though." Granger stood and abruptly sat down again, a look of horror on her face.
"What now?" he said, rolling his eyes.
"I don't think I can leave."
"Why's that?" he asked, his expression sour.
"Because," she lowered her voice, "the entire staff of The Daily Prophet are right over there!"
"And what's wrong about that?"
"In order to leave, they'd see me and then they'd see you… and then they'd know we were on a date!"
"I would hardly call this a date."
"We're wearing matching yellow roses, you nit!" Granger huffed, her face turning scarlet.
"Well, why not just go out that way?" Draco pointed to the other side of their table. Granger stood up slightly to peek.
"Nope, nuh-uh, no way, Jose," she said firmly.
"Why not?" Draco asked, shifting to take a look himself. And then he saw it. There were five occupied tables in this direction. One held Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, and Ron Weasley. Another had the Minister of Magic and his wife. The third had an assortment of his Slytherin friends. The fourth had Rubeus Hagrid and Olympe Maxime. At the fifth table sat none other than his father (fresh out of Azkaban) and his mother. "WE CAN'T LEAVE," he said, fear oozing in his voice.
"Not until everyone else has cleared out," Granger replied, grimly, as if being forced to share one another's company for an hour were equal to being given the death sentence.
Draco took a few calming breaths. "Listen, speak quietly and try not to draw anyone's attention, okay?"
"Trust me, I won't." It was certainly lucky that their table happened to be situated just so that no one could see them unless they stood up.
"Good evening and welcome to Chez Delish. My name is Andre and I'll be your server for the evening," said Andre, their server for the evening. He winked at Hermione, making her blush. "Is this a first date?" he asked, eying their matching yellow roses.
"It's NOT a date," both said in unison.
"You don't say," Andre said, taken aback. "Well, then, what can I get for you to drink?" he asked, pulling a quick-notes-quill out of his pocket.
"Bourbon," Malfoy said, through clenched teeth.
"And for the lovely lady?" Andre asked.
"Shirley Temple, please," she said.
"Right away." He bowed and left for the kitchen.
"Shirley Temple, please," Malfoy mocked, leaning back in his chair in agitation.
Hermione banged her head on the table a few times. "Why me?" she asked to no one in particular.
"Here are your drinks," Andre said, smiling and placing a glass in front of each of them.
"Menus?" Draco grunted, his arms crossed.
"Oh… right. Here you are, sir." Andre flashed a toothy smile.
"I hope you aren't expecting a tip," Draco muttered under his breath.
"I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail for your order, which happens to be the special, by the way." Andre left.
"So I have an idea," Granger said, frowning at her menu.
"What?" Draco asked.
"I say we send the bill to Malena." A faint glimmer of an evil grin flitted across her face.
"You know, they always said you were brilliant. I never believed them until just this moment." Draco grinned evilly himself.
"…And for pudding I'll have a slice of key lime pie, a scoop of wild berry sorbet, and… two servings of the chocolate decadence," Hermione finished, folding her hands in her lap. Andre's hands shook as he turned to take Malfoy's order.
"And you, sir?"
"I'll have the largest steak you have, a house salad, a baked potato, onion rings, corn on the cob, thai peanut soup, a slice of marionberry cheesecake, and a banana split."
"Yes, sir." Andre began to turn to leave.
"Oh, and two lambs' tails as well."
"They're still here," Granger hissed, using a mirror from her purse to check the other tables. "All of them!"
"Maybe we were over-reacting. Maybe we can leave without them realizing we were here together," Draco said, slowly, taking a steady gulp of his bourbon.
"No… we're too dressed up. They'd know we were here with someone." Granger was hyperventilating.
"You could say you were stood-up," Draco suggested.
Granger gave him a piercing look. "Are you going to say that you were stood up?"
"Of course not," he said.
"Me neither," Granger said. "Oh no!"
"What now?" Draco asked.
"It's Viktor! He's just sat down at the table next to the reporters… And who's that with him?"
"Krum?" Draco said, taking a look. "And PANSY?" Both exchanged a look.
"I can't believe it," Granger whimpered. "My ex and your ex… what are the odds?"
"Imagine what their children would look like… think of the noses!" Draco said, eyes large.
"Malfoy, that's horrible," Granger said, though she smiled slightly.
"We look better together than they do," Draco muttered.
"What did you say?" Granger asked, turning to him in alarm.
"I said… I… buttered roll?" He held up the breadbasket.
"Er, thanks… but didn't you say…?" Granger said.
"Here are your dinners," Andre said, placing a multitude of food in front of each of them. He strode away.
"I can't believe we ordered so much," Hermione mused, staring at the lambs' tails.
"I can't wait to send Malena this bill," Malfoy said, picking up his fork.
"Does she know that we know one another?"
"Not to my knowledge." Malfoy skipped his salad and went straight for the steak.
"I wonder why she would set us up together. You don't suppose she thought we'd get along?"
"Who knows what that gum chewing weirdo thinks."
"What did she tell you about me?" Hermione asked, starting on her pasta.
"Just that you're pretty." He laughed into his baked potato. "What'd she say about me?"
"She said you were rich, handsome, intelligent, and had spunk equal to my own."
"And do you agree?" he asked.
"Agree? Agree with what?"
"Well, obviously I'm rich, but am I handsome, intelligent, and spunky?" Malfoy asked.
"You're seriously asking me if I find you handsome?" Hermione asked, her eyebrow raised.
"Answer the question," he said, waving his hand for her to continue.
"WELL, I suppose you're somewhat intelligent, and I suppose you're spunky…"
"Come on, Granger. Out with it."
Hermione hesitated. "And you do have the most lovely eyes I've ever seen."
Malfoy choked on a piece of steak, steadily turning red. "What?" he asked, punching at his own chest until he could breathe again.
"You asked." Hermione shrugged, staring dismally at her mashed potatoes.
"I didn't think you'd tell the truth!"
"I'm a very truthful person!" There was an awkward silence.
"I guess… you are sort of pretty yourself," Malfoy grumbled, so quietly Hermione was barely able to hear him.
"I… am?" she asked, eyes growing rounder and rounder.
"Look, Harry, Ron, and Ginny are leaving," Granger said, relaxing.
"About bloody time," Draco muttered.
"And… oh no! Ginny's headed this way!"
"HERMIONE? MALFOY? WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE? ARE YOU ON A DATE?" Draco banged his head against the table repeatedly. All occupants of the restaurant were now turning in their seats to find out what was going on.
"Shhh!" Granger said, yanking Ginny Weasley down onto the seat next to her. It was too late, though. All manner of people had got up to see if the yelled statement was true.
"The readers of the Prophet will love this!" said a reporter.
"Miss Granger? Mr. Malfoy?" said the Minister of Magic.
"Hermione? Whatcha doin' here with the ruddy ferret?" asked Hagrid.
"Draco!" Narcissa Malfoy scolded.
"Malfoy, dude, what's going on? Why are you with Mudblood?" asked Theodore Nott.
Draco banged his head on the table and Granger broke down in tears.
"Young man, you are… you are… out of the will!" yelled Lucius Malfoy.
"Hermione?" Ron Weasley asked, ears turning red.
"Stu-stupid Malena!" Granger said, sobbing into a napkin.
Draco stood up on his chair. "It was a blind date!" he yelled.
"So you are on a date!" Ginny Weasley squealed.
"I'm going to be sick," Potter commented.
"You're out of the will anyway! Marry the mudblood for all I care! I'll just live forever!" Lucius Malfoy announced.
"I don't want to marry her; I don't even want to be on this date!"
"Hermy-oh-ninny? What are you crying about?"
"Drakie? What's this about you marrying Granger?"
"Oh, for goodness' sake!" Granger screamed. "It was one blind date! And we couldn't leave without you all seeing us!"
"Are you ready for pudding?" Andre asked, coming forward with a tray.
"You're wearing matching yellow roses!"
"I'm leaving! Come along, Narcissa. We have some excommunicating to do."
"Come on Harry, Ginny! It's obvious Hermione's abandoned us for Malfoy!"
The crowd dispersed, leaving Draco and Granger alone at their table. "I'm ruined!" Draco cried, struggling with his breathing.
"My friends hate me!" Granger said, in shock.
"You think I have lovely eyes!"
"You said I'm pretty!"
"Same time next Saturday, then?" Draco asked.
"Okay." And then they sat down to finish their pudding.
A.N.: Oh, that was fun. I haven't gotten to write a humor one-shot in a while. And would you look at that? A whole eight pages. That's almost respectable!
2008: Now edited for Briticisms. Yay!