Through these steps you walked from me
Through these tears you've wrenched from me
Through those words you swore to me
Through the love I thought we had
You say you never meant to hurt me
You say it pains you to see me cry
You told me forever
Whispered in my ear
That nothing could go wrong so long as you were there
We laughed and we smiled and the world lay in our hands
And I thought, I knew, I so deeply believed
If the world were to stop spinning
Or the sun stop shining
If my life were to end just the very next day
I would happily leave after one more night with you
I could die blissfully
I could die knowing everything I wanted, I had
But it's gone now, all gone
I walked from you regretfully
And you just can't take me back
Hardened now, so changed
Why are there lines on your face?
Why are your hands clenched so hard?
Why are those eyes of yours so angry?
And why can't things be like they once were?
Forever rests in our arms.
It rested in our shared hearts
So safe, I was, so peaceful
So happy, I was.
I would bring you the sun
Burn off my hands
Go blind from the light
I would give up my voice
Be mute, faced with silence
Lose it all for you
And I have, I've tried
I need you more than I ever understood
And the words that you speak now
They're no longer sweet
Stinging and lashing, biting and harsh
No more I love yous
You turn from me now, walk from me
I see that I deserve this
I see that it was all my fault
I see these mistakes so stupidly made
But a voice in me still wants to know
If you said to be for always
If you smiled to me and said you would always forgive
And you say, even now, that your love for me lingers still
Then why are you punishing yourself for my mistake?
We both know what we want, what we feel
And now I guess this is spite
Spite and hatred, deeply filled
I see that you want me to understand
Make me feel just a little like I made you feel
And it hurts me to know that I hurt you like that
But if you love me still, why are you so adamant?
Lessons learned in time are not taught through revenge
I know, inside, that the man I see today
The man who is so cold, so stony
This is who I made
With my words, and my actions
With those moments I dearly would love to take back
I made you into this man
You cannot trust
And your heart is so closed
And it's my doing, all my doing
And I'm sorry
That's my refrain these days
One day one moment
You'll look at me and see
That there was never a day I haven't thought of you
Never a second I wanted you to be in pain
You'll see and maybe one day you'll accept this
And let us move on with our lives
I can't undo what I've done
And in my hands I hold these pieces
Our lives, shattered and distorted
The laughter can never be the same
I'm sorry for ruining our fairy tale
I'm sorry that my Prince is too hurt to take me back
I'm sorry that you don't want to fix the love
Some mistakes are beyond repair
At night I'll lay awake
Knowing how I was with you once
Knowing how I should be with you now
Knowing how I could have been with you now
Drifting farther from me each day
But when you look at me
With those sad, angry eyes
I see that hint of hurt
That small part of you which is still a boy
That part of you that wants me too
And I'll always love you
Forgive me now or when I'm on my deathbed
I will always love you
And there was, isn't, and will never be another
Always and forever
She can't understand. The way her mouth turns down when I talk to her, the way she quivers just a bit when I ignore her… She thinks I'm doing this to make her suffer. She thinks I could be capable of such a thing. I'm not the one she fell in love with. She changed me, made me soft and turned right around and struck me to stone. Made my life a hell and threw me into directions I'd never been before. I'd love to hate her for making me cry. I'd love to shake her and make her give me back those hours, days, weeks, moths I mourned for her. I wanted to make things right between us. I seriously tried. But she chose music over me time and time again, and after a point I just stopped. Stopped caring, stopped hoping. There's a point you've got to give up. But as the girl walks from me, shoulders slumped in despair; a part of me wants to call her back. It makes me want to ram my fist in a wall every time her eyes light up so happily when she sees me only to have them pool with just barely held back tears after I rip the spirit out of her. But it has to be done. I don't string people along and I don't give false hope. I'm different, she's different, and the circumstances have changed. I have a dream, a purpose, a goal now. And it took me this long to get it all back. I won't let her take it from me again. I still love her, love her so much it hurts, but this isn't a relationship. It's not. I can't pretend that it is. In a year, maybe things will be different. Maybe she will have proved that she hasn't changed from that girl I fell in love with.
It's funny, actually. People say she changed me so much. I was a jackass before, I know that. And after? I was a lovesick sap. A pitiful puppy. Slave to my passion, my devotion for her. And I see now that I changed her too. But as some say she changed me for the better (that is depending on who you ask), I know that I morphed her into a darker, harsher person. She was pure, sweet, wholly good intentioned and loyal, a bit on the dorky side and completely good. You could call her Saint Hales. After I got to her, she became more obsessed with winning, with fame, and less attached to people. So ironically, one might say it's partially my fault that I'm sitting here right now – I made her into a girl who would leave her husband and run off.
She made me so cynical. I never trusted people that much before I met her, and now I don't think I'll ever trust again. I wanted to make things right so badly. Our timing sucks, I guess. The moment I let go is the moment she grabs hold. But just as I couldn't make her come back to me, I don't think she'll be able to bring me back to her. It still stings to see her cry, to see some idiots hurting her, to see her in pain because of me. No matter how much she hurts me I'll always care about her. Every blow she receives, I can feel it. That woman could stab me to death and I'd still linger back after death to make sure my blood didn't stain her shirt. She could kill me and I'd always love her. I don't mean to be mean when I say the things I say to her, she's got to know how it hurts to say it, to see that flinch, but I have to say it. I hope she understands that. There are things that cannot be forgiven, and events that irreversibly change a person's life.
And so the girl walks away from me again, but this time I sent her off. The girl walks away, and can't help but glance back at me. And inside, I laugh at myself. I'm kidding myself. She was never the girl. She's my girl. And my girl has no idea that I carry my wedding ring with me every moment of every day.
Only time can tell what happens. I know what she wants, and I know that's my weakness. I'm made of stone, poker face at all times, indifferent. All it is, is that I'm holding back the tears better than she is. I've had the experience. My eyes are sore from the tears shed, and my heart is sick of aching. And here I am sounding like a pitiful sap again. Oh well… there's a certain pitiful sap I know who's yowling about his lost girl, too… her denial was a bit more trivial and high school but hey, denial is denial. And since it's his first real thing, I think I may have to pick up the pieces. Erika, former student body president. Haley, former pop star. Leaving behind their respective guys for their own good. Am I sounding bitter again?
Someone's calling me. I'd better leave it at this. When did I get so self-reflective? Blame it on my tutor. Brooke calling her tutor wife was very fitting, she's taught me a lot. God, I've got to stop thinking about all this… It doesn't help that every time I get out of bed, her unread letters silently wail at me, and her face haunts my dreams. I think the biggest lesson I've learned is that love sucks, however good it may be at first it will always end up biting you in the ass multiple times. All right, I'm going to shut my brain off now. I think it's Tim who's calling me, a brain abortion is necessary. Nothing like a good dose of the classically moronic teenager to get your brain on other things. Like how to make his mouth stop moving… Damn that boy needs to find another hobby besides following me…