Title: Truth: Smoking Causes Impotency

Pairing: RoyEd, RoyHavoc

Rating: R

Disclaimer: No matter how much I want them, they are not mine. I get to make them do things anyway. :O

A/N: I don't know why RoyHavoc ended up as a difficult pairing for me... My muse was dying at my lack of creativity with the pair, and this is the result of it. My friend said I took the easy way out, I'm sure you'll agree. Yeah, "borrowed" the "Truth, smoking is bad", thing. Please review! Reviews make me happy, so very happy


Truth: Smoking Causes Impotency


Havoc took a long, long drag from his cigarette and released the smoky curls slowly out of his lungs. He knew he was slowly killing himself, but he didn't care. A life of a soldier is not expected to be a long one after all. Might as well enjoy it, right? Havoc sighed. Except in this moment in time, he's not enjoying much, not even from a supposedly relaxing smoke. He looked out the window and idly followed the trail of two twittering birds in the sky, flying summersaults around each other, a game of tag perhaps... or is it mating season again? The dark blonde dropped his head pathetically into his arms and whimpered soundlessly. Oh the world is so beautiful, but not for Jean Havo- The eternally single man's pitiful soliloquy was interrupted by a considerably more jovial voice.

"Oho! Maribella! Shall we dine tonight? Yes? I'll pick you up at seven." The ultimate man among men, Roy Mustang, hung up the phone with an egotistical smile.

Tears flowing, Havoc envisioned the angel Maribella, an adorably cute girl, shyly smiling, eyes glistening a happy cerulean, and silver hair that flowed like liquid. It was a young nurse he had met while he stayed at the military hospital for injuries from various jobs. Things were going well; they laughed, talked, and blushed. Then Mustang, being a loving superior to his subordinates, dropped by to visit. And the rest of the story writes itself.

What IS it about this man that attracts all women? He raised his eyes and studied the man who was reviewing a report and twiddling a pen. EVERY single woman Havoc has ever noticed flocked toward the tall, raven-haired, mysterious eyed, powerful, sexy... FINE! Havoc sulked to himself, mentally poking two fingers together, and reasoned, "But I'm not butt ugly either..."


"Yes, sir?"

"Quit day dreaming and work."

Inner Havoc curled up and died. Oh why, why is he the only one here with the damned Colonel? Oh, this is torture. Just because he took a day off, he's forced to work overtime. No wonder the older Elric hated reporting to this man. Every time Ed returns from a mission, Hawkeye and Al practically have to drag the boy in and lock him in the room with the older man. And after about an hour (does it take that long to deliver reports?) the blonde comes out, noticeably subdued and slightly disheveled.

Must be rough, having so many one-on-ones with the colonel. Which is what he's doing right now. Damn. Wait. Disheveled? Why would his clothes get messed up? A quick and dirty thought flitted through his mind. Nah, that's not possible. Colonel Mustang isn't into dudes. Right? Ed probably just gets worked up talking about his adventures. Yes, that makes perfect sense.

Although... Havoc glanced at Mustang again. He wouldn't put it past the man to successfully seduce the boy... What, with his perfect features and perfect body. Mustang had taken off his outer blue coat and had on his usual white dress shirt with the two top buttons opened. Opened to expose... Havoc spazzed and nearly dropped his cigarette, he just caught himself checking out his commanding officer, a male one at that. Spending too much time alone with him is bad, BAD. Running his fingers roughly through his brownish blonde hair, Havoc forced himself to focus on the task at hand and to get the hell out of there quickly.

Havoc puffed on his cigarette and his lack of a decent attention span betrayed him once again. Thoughts drifting, he wondered what went on between the colonel and Ed. Does Ed resist? Or is it just a show he puts on when he refuses to see him? How would Mustang behave? Gentle? Rough? Havoc tried to analyze Roy's persona and how it would affect his sexual behavior. He'd definitely be a snide bastard about it, Havoc nodded. Where would they do it..? Havoc scanned the room. There were a couple of couches, the floor, no shortage of chairs, desks, and... MY desk? Would they..? No, can't be, nuh uh, never. His mind feverishly denied entrance to the thoughts that threatened to break in.


Mustang pushed Ed onto Havoc's desk, lips and tongue not even pausing their trek along the blonde's neck. Ed panted, arms around Roy's neck, holding tight and urging the man on. Roy obliged of course. It's not EVERY TIME that the young alchemist was so willing. Ravaging the boy's mouth with his own, his hands worked to remove the red coat, then to the clasp on Ed's black jacket.


A thin trail of smoke snaked up from Havoc's now idle cigarette, neglected for other distractions.


Ed tried to undress Roy as well, but the older man resisted, giving the person lying under him a feral grin. Ed glared, it wasn't fair that Roy gets to see him naked every time... But before Ed could even make an indignant sound, Roy kissed him roughly and ran one of his hands under the boy's dark T-shirt, gliding his fingers along the planes of his stomach and rubbing circles around the more sensitive nipples. With his other hand, Roy unbuckled Ed's pants, rubbing against the growing bulge that was there. Ed's moan was lost between their two tongues, which were currently very busy.


Havoc cleared his throat and tried to will the heat in his face to go away, fully realizing how inappropriate his thoughts were.


Impatient with the restrictive clothing, Roy broke the kiss and stood to lift Ed's legs up. Roy ripped off one of Ed's boots and pulled the pants off of that leg, letting it hang on the other, boxers and all. Flinging Ed's legs onto his shoulders, Roy leaned down and kissed along Ed's abdomen. He nipped the skin along the blonde's inner thighs gently while the boy panted his name. Trailing his tongue closer and closer to the blonde's fully erect cock, he simultaneously caressed Ed's lips with his fingers. He pushed a finger past the heavily breathing red lips and ordered, "Suck."

"Ahh.. Nn.." slippery noises were made as Ed swirled his tongue around the colonel's fingers. Roy shuddered slightly at the sensations and reluctantly pulled them out. He brought his slick fingers down to Ed's opening and massaged the tight ring of muscles there. Ed stiffened, so Roy whispered, "Relax," and went to assist in doing that by running his tongue up Ed's shaft and engulfing the head with his lips. The boy bucked his hips and gasped at the sudden warmth...


"Aah!" Havoc winced, his forgotten cigarette had burned all the way to his fingers. Extinguishing the rest of it, Havoc rubbed his temples and eyes to dispel the image, no, the freaking MOVIE that just played in his brain. It was quite disturbing. Really graphic. And, so.. hot. So disturbingly hot. Shifting in his chair to alleviate some slight discomfort, he resolutely decided, BACK TO WORK. The man sat up straight and forced his eyes onto the worded papers in front of him.

Speaking as if suddenly materializing into the room, Mustang broke Havoc's weak will to work, "You seem tired, need a break?"

"Su-sure," Havoc managed.

The other man quirked a dark eyebrow at his subordinate's strangely quiet behavior. Havoc was usually more talkative. "Here, have something to drink," Mustang poured a mug of coffee. Havoc reached to take the offer, but the dark-haired man stepped beside him, holding the hot drink away, and bent over his shoulder to inspect what he had been doing for the past hour.

Havoc could smell scent of the other man. Silky black strands of Mustang's hair were nearly brushing against his cheek. Raising his head, he laughed, "So you really were day dreaming."

Havoc flushed and tried to protest, but was unable to deny it. Mustang was uncomfortably close, his smirking face only a few inches away, and if Havoc dared to move a little closer, they would look to be in a slightly compromising position.

Havoc was definitely acting strange; he was breathing a bit quickly and was very flushed in the face. Interesting. Roy reached out a hand to feel Havoc's forehead for his temperature, but the dark blonde pulled away abruptly, face turning redder still. Interesting indeed. These reactions really seem to mean...

"Lieutenant Havoc, do you find me attractive?" Mustang decided to be evilly blunt; it was a slow day, so might as well get some fun out of it.


Roy made a move, seemingly to close the space between them, but stopped a centimeter away, his breath ghosting over the other man's lips. "Do you find me attractive," he asked again.

Havoc's mouth worked soundlessly in reply and Roy pushed even closer, forcing him back against his chair with a seemingly polar magnetic force. With his head pressed tightly against the back of his chair and escape being impossible, his mind threatened to blank out as an act of defense - only to be jolted back awake when he felt one of Roy's legs straddling against his own and a knee... a knee making space between his legs and brushing a part of him that threatened to betray him at any moment. Havoc whimpered mentally, how the hell Mustang managed to climb on top of him was beyond his comprehension.

His eyes widened at the sight of Mustang opening his mouth slightly, coming closer and closer. Lips barely, just barely, touching the sensitive lobe of Havoc's ear, he whispered, "How do you want your break?"

"Th-the coffee would be fine," blabbered Havoc, voice an octave higher than usual.

Smiling a bit cattily, Mustang reached for the cup of coffee he had set down earlier. And with eyes never leaving Havoc, he licked his lips and blew tantalizingly at the surface of the dark liquid, cooling it before taking a bit into his mouth. "Mm... caffeinated goodness." The blonde caught a whiff of the provocative aroma before suddenly tasting it himself, secondhand. With hardly a warning, Mustang had his coffee laced lips over his own, tongue offering an exchange of flavors and demanding entrance.

Havoc now understood slightly at why others can't seem to refuse Mustang's advances. Finally letting his eyes slide shut, he lost himself to the overpowering sensations and taste of his superior's expert maneuverings. Havoc opened his lips and responded hungrily, fully appreciating the bittersweet taste that invaded his mouth. Mustang purred seductively, only to pull away, forcing a dazed blonde to follow as if dragged. Feigning a frown of displeasure he traced a finger on Havoc's sensitized lips, "Smoking is bad for you."

Nodding light-headedly, Havoc tried to resume their kiss, only to be roughly pushed back. Hands pinning the man's shoulders to his chair, Mustang breathed, "I dislike the taste of tobacco."

As quick as he got on, the man was back at his desk. "I'm done for the day," Mustang announced as he put on his long black coat and hat. The commanding officer clapped a hand on Havoc's shoulder and presented an, "Otsukare sama." Then the door closed with a quiet slam, leaving the other man frozen, white with shock.


Havoc stared at the empty space before him and slumped against the back of his chair. He hasn't touched a single smoke all day.

"Not feeling very well?" Fuery asked as he walked by, arms loaded with manila files.


Quick to notice the lack of tar in the air, the shorter man queried, "Not smoking today?"


Smiling, the friendly sergeant major nodded encouragingly, "You'll feel MUCH better once you drop the habit!"

Lieutenant Hawkeye picked up on the conversation and contributed, "I'm sure of that too," she continued with an afterthought, "Did you know smoking causes impotency among men?"

Inner Havoc died again.


Tsl Note: "Otsukare sama" Thanks for your hard work (today)

A/N2: Smoking is bad for you! runs