Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
This is a sequel to "The Untitled Cheekquel Project" which was a sequel
to "Where in the World is Harry Potter?" I highly recommend reading
those two first, if you haven't yet.
"You're sure you want to do this?"
"Yes, Harry. I've thought this through. You know my reasons and I understand the risks."
Harry shook his head. "I know… it's just…" Harry sighed. "I mean…"
"I want to do this, Harry." Dudley said softly. "Now quit being such a pansy and stick it in already."
Harry stopped moving and thought back to how he got to this point.
It all started three weeks ago, when Harry's cousin, Dudley Dursley beat up on a dozen Hogwarts' first years in a magical duel. After his win, Dudley was kind and courteous and more than kept his end of the deal. And so now, Harry was obligated to help him find a magical solution to Dudley's weight problem.
Two weeks ago, Harry had determined all the traditional methods as being temporary solutions. And Dudley was firm in that he wanted something permanent, if possible.
One week ago, Harry had resigned himself to accepting the fact that the only way he'd found to make it permanent was with Dementor Blood. And as such, there was a fair amount of unknowns, seeing as this was a magical treatment that had never been attempted before.
And now, having exhausted all of his potential scenarios and prepared counters to negative situations, Harry had found a way that should convert Dudley's fat into ambient energy, as well as permanently changing his body's metabolism.
Harry had told Dudley, this was extremely dangerous and highly risky. He was advising strongly against doing it, but upon questioning Harry had to admit, that yes, he was nearly one hundred percent certain that it would work. This was apparently all the reassurance Dudley needed.
"Give it to me, Harry." Dudley pleaded. "This anticipation is killing me. Just stick it in already."
And so Harry did.
One of the main ingredients in the potion was concentrated Dementor Blood, which is a highly magical substance that becomes tricky, as ingesting it orally is usually fatal. Potions that are undrinkable are especially troublesome. Often they are turned into a salve, but that concentrated Dementor Blood usually meant this would be a flesh-eating salve. Luckily Harry had been taught by Wesley Thatcher, the previous Nicholas Flamel, how some potions worked better and stronger when injected straight into the bloodstream. Most often with the person unconscious, as it was quickly discovered to be an extremely painful process. Though Dudley insisted on remaining awake if possible. Harry agreed only to knock him out, if it became apparent that it would be necessary.
This is why Harry had a large syringe filled with thick black substance with streaks of a creamy light yellow running through it. And why he was presently sticking it right into the thick of Dudley's left ass cheek.
"Oww!" Dudley yelped. "Good gravy, Potter."
"I haven't even pushed on the stopper, that's just the needle so far."
"What are you waiting for? A cookie? Let's get this show on the road."
Harry took a deep breath and then began to depress on the syringe sending the concoction in Dudley's bloodstream.
"Ahhhhhh!" Dudley began screaming at the top of his lungs. "Ahhhhhh!" he continued on, gasping for breath occasionally.
Harry looked around the Privet Drive living room. Those silencing charms were getting a decent test at the moment. Harry dictated to himself. "Subject appears to be in considerable pain. More than anticipated."
Dudley jumped up and began running around the living room stomping on the ground in anger. "Ahhhhhh!"
"Correction: Subject may just be a wuss." Harry stated before alerting, "Careful Dudley! Those vials still have traces of the potion in them and are very volatile."
Dudley just turned to look at Harry oddly and was screaming even louder. "Ahhhhhh!" Dudley began knocking things over stumbling around the room.
Harry was watching Dudley's minor rampage and took a bit of pleasure in seeing so many picture frames crash to the floor. Dudley's screaming let up for just a second as he gasped for breath, but in that time Harry heard a sound he was not expecting to hear, the sound of a car door closing.
Harry's eyes went wide. "Dammit Dudley, you said your parents were going to be gone all weekend." Harry hurried to the front window and saw his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon walking up to their front door. "This isn't going to be…" Harry turned back to Dudley and his eyes went wider as he screamed, "No!"
Dudley in all his ruckus immediately spotted something useful to him. One of the magic sticks Harry had given Dudley had rolled right to him. Dudley was holding in his screaming finally and leaned over the couch. He aimed the stick right at his left butt cheek where the giant syringe was still stuck in his ass. He commanded "Stun!" in an attempt to numb the pain right as he heard his cousin scream, "No!"
The spell hit and simply exploded in a magical shockwave that knocked Harry off his feet. Dudley himself got launched through the air and crashed in the wall nearly knocking it down.
Petunia and Vernon rushed into their living room and saw Dudley unconscious slumped against the wall. "Dudders!" Petunia screamed and ran over to him. Vernon quickly followed her, equally worried about his son.
Harry hadn't lost consciousness but he was extremely woozy. His mind and vision seemed unable to focus. Petunia told Vernon to hurry and hand her that glass of water on the coffee table. Harry had to process that thought a few times before he realized there was no glass of water on the coffee table. On the other hand there was a clear glass full of a purified, balanced mixture of basilisk venom and phoenix tears, in case Harry needed what was essentially a magical adrenaline shot.
Harry eyes snapped open and again he yelled, "No!" He flung his arm out and immediately cast a large stasis field in the direction the Dursleys all were. Harry held his hand steady as he groggily sat up and looked at the scene. Petunia and Vernon, frozen in stasis, were both covered in blood and Petunia had poured almost half the glass down Dudley's throat. The blood was Dudley's as it appeared he cracked his head open on the wall when he tried to stun his own ass.
Harry quickly processed all the elements of the scene before him. He accurately assessed his situation and screamed "Fuck!" If Harry was correct, and he almost assuredly was, Dudley had just about combined every volatile component or trigger relating to Dementor Blood, and was awfully close to turning into a big tubby magic bomb. Petunia and Vernon could have been saved, were they not already covered in Dudley's blood, which had the potion running through it. Anything further cast on them would only ignite it. And even still, as it is, it was probably starting to eat through their clothing anyway.
Not only could Harry tell that they were in for a serious magical backlash at best, but Harry's stasis field was not just temporarily holding it off. It was fueling it to make it bigger. The longer Harry kept the field up, the bigger they were all going to blow. So now Harry had to make a decision as quickly as he possibly could and enact a plan immediately.
Right away, only one possible thing came to mind for Harry and so after two seconds of contemplation he knew he had to give it a shot. In the space of less than a second, Harry dropped the stasis, apparated right next to the Dursleys, knocked the glass of venom and tears out of Petunia's hands, and grabbed Dudley, Petunia, and Vernon into a tight hug.
Remembering all he could about the references to the alleged spell, Harry did his best to replicate the shield of love his mother had theoretically cast on him just before she died from Voldemort's curse.
Harry just hoped he knew what he was doing and that he loved the Dursleys enough.
Dobby immediately felt his Master's distress call. Dobby certainly couldn't ever remember feeling anything that strongly over their bond. He popped right next to his Master and found him singed and smoldering, but alive and unconscious. He noticed the three members of his Master's old family were all in similar conditions. But the house Dobby remembered coming to when he first met the Great Wizard Harry Potter appeared to have completely vaporized. Given the melted curvature of what remained of the neighboring houses, Dobby could tell Great Wizard Harry Potter managed to keep a massive explosion contained. Dobby grabbed a hold of Harry and transported him to a bed in one of their secret locations. Dobby went back and did the same with the three unconscious Dursleys. After looking around the blackened hole in the ground that was once Number Four Privet Drive, Dobby found nothing else to bring back to his Master.
Dobby could tell Harry wasn't hurt enough to warrant alerting a healer. He needed rest more than anything, so Dobby left him sleeping in his bed and put the unconscious Dursleys into makeshift beds of their own.
The first thing Harry realized as he woke up was that he had a massive headache. He slowly opened a single eye and just groaned in pain.
"Master!" Dobby exclaimed. "Water and pepper-up." Dobby stated as he handed Harry a glass and a vial.
Harry drank the water first, downed the pepper-up, and winced at the sound of steam coming from his ears. He finished off another glass of water. "Alright Dobby, what did I do now?"
Dobby chuckled. "You blew up another one. This time it was your old house on Privet Drive."
"The Dursleys! Dudley!" Harry yelled as he shot up from his bed.
"Master!" Dobby scolded. "They is here and still unconscious."
"They're alive?" Harry asked seriously.
Dobby nodded. "Yes, Master. Theys no worse off than you. Although, yous cousin has a big needle in his butt cheek."
Harry took in the rest of his surroundings and began to chuckle. "I wonder how Salazar would like the idea of muggles resting comfortably in his Chamber."
Dobby paused and stated, "Yous only been out for about two hours, but I didn't think any of yous needed a healer."
"Thank you, Dobby." Harry stated as he got up and walked over towards the other makeshift beds. "Without your help, I don't even want to think of the amount of trouble I'd be in."
"Yes, well," Dobby smiled. "Dobby almost expects these sorts of things from yous, Master."
Harry frowned at the cheek the little house elf was giving him, before smiling and nodding. He looked over Dudley first and saw he appeared significantly thinner, but overall in decent health. The head wound Dudley had received had looked worse than it was. Dobby apparently had cleaned the wound and wrapped a hunk of gauze over the area. Sure enough the syringe was still sticking up in the air, attached to Dudley's butt cheek.
Harry looked at Petunia and Vernon and saw they seemed to be sleeping almost peacefully, without any visible damage or injuries to them. Harry decided to take the syringe out of Dudley's ass and wrenched it loose with a yank. Doing so apparently stirred Dudley enough to bring him back to consciousness.
He was slowly regaining his focus. He looked over and just stared at Harry oddly. He then looked down at his own body. "Ahhhhhh!"
"What's the matter?" Harry asked. "You still in pain?"
"Ahhhhhh!" He said staring at his own arms and body. "When the hell did I get so fat?"
Harry furrowed his brow. "Err, Dudley, you've lost probably 80 pounds already."
"Dudley?" he asked confusedly.
"Bloody hell," Vernon said as he sat up. "Great Godric, my head hurts. What the bloody hell happened?"
Petunia rubbed the crust from her eyes and sat up too. "Owww…" she whined. She looked over to her husband, and asked horrified, "Vernon?"
Vernon winced horribly noticing his wife next to him. He spat out her name like it was particularly foul, "Petunia?"
Petunia seemed to recognize that tone of voice, and asked in a softer, shocked voice, "James?"
Vernon's eyes almost bulged out of his head. "Lils?"
"You're disgustingly obese…" Petunia said as she looked at her husband.
Vernon nodded. "Let me close my eyes so I don't have to look at you." He said as he reached out and grabbed his wife in a hug.
Dudley just watched Petunia and Vernon embrace and finally accepted the fact that, yes, this was most definitely something only his Godson could ever do. He smiled and said, "Bloody hell, Harry."
"What have I done?" Harry asked Dudley horrified, and still unsure of what was going on.
Dudley finally settled on barking out familiar laughter and shaking his finger at Harry. "Oh this is so you."
Vernon recognized that laugh and finger shake immediately. He blurted out, "Padfoot?"
Harry turned to Dudley and his mind finally realized where he had in fact heard a laugh like that before. Harry dropped his head into his hands and said, "Oh you have got to freaking kidding me!"
Dudley seemed to be biting his tongue, and looked over to Petunia and Vernon for help. Finally, he couldn't take it and he answered back, "Nope," He was holding in snickers. His entire body was twittering in restrained laughter as he could not hold this in. "I'm dead Sirius!"
Petunia's eyes flared. She began looking around. "Where's my wand? It's my turn to hurt him." Petunia was franticly trying to locate a wand. Finally she gave up and chucked her shoe as hard as she could at Dudley. Good aim too, as she managed to hit him on the gauze and aggravate his head wound.
"Owww!" Dudley yelled. "Merlin's balls, woman. Your aim hasn't deteriorated any. And I should be allowed that one. It's the first time it's ever been true!"
Vernon looked shocked. He slowly questioned, "You're… dead… Sirius?"
Dudley used his hand to keep pressure on his head wound, and nodded. "Yup. You too, Prongsy, old boy."
Vernon looked like someone just canceled his Christmas. He turned to his wife. "Dead? Lils, are you dead?"
Petunia nodded. "I died right after you did. I tried to protect Harry, I really did. I'm sorry." Petunia sagged as though she were a failure.
Dudley looked over at Harry and saw that he had yet to even look up from his hands. "Err, Lils, for what it's worth, you did protect Harry. He lived."
Petunia turned to Dudley with a hopeful look on her face. "How do you know? You're dead too. You said it yourself."
Dudley looked again at Harry before replying, "I know because I died about fifteen years after you two did, when Harry was about to finish his fifth year at Hogwarts."
"Harry?" Vernon perked up to ask. "He's alive?"
Dudley smiled and rolled his eyes. He pointed to the young man who had still yet to look up. Petunia and Vernon both snapped the heads towards where Dudley was pointing.
"Harry?" Petunia asked, slightly afraid of what the answer would be.
Harry just kept his face down and covered with his right hand. He raised his left into the air and waved. "Hi mum."
"Bloody hell, James. He looks just like you," Petunia said.
Vernon frowned. "How can you tell? He hasn't even looked up…" Vernon was interrupted by Harry looking up. "Bloody hell, you look just like me."
Petunia rolled her eyes.
"Damn good looking you are." Vernon added.
Harry dropped his face back into his hands with a mirthless chuckle and went back to his thinking.
"Err, alright then." Vernon said as the young man that seemed to be his son went back to his musings. "So Padfoot, any idea what's going on? And why we're so fat?"
Dudley shrugged. "I have nothing supporting this theory mind you, other than a complete and absolute certainty that it has everything to do with my Godson over there. But considering the last thing I remember is dying, I think we should just wait until he feels up to sharing with the group."
"Sorry," Harry mumbled. "This day is turning out a bit differently than I was expecting. This is a lot to take in."
"You're telling me," Vernon said. "Course I wasn't expecting to have any more days turn out at all," Vernon said lightly. "So take your time."
"Harry?" Petunia asked looking around the chamber they seemed to be resting in. "Can you tell us how we got here?"
Harry looked up and was visibly tired. He nodded.
When Vernon saw Harry wasn't going to be speaking up soon, Vernon quietly said, "Whenever you're ready." He hastily added, "Please."
Harry sighed deeply. "Right. Okay. Let's see here. Without getting too verbose, I guess the short answer is that it appears I accidentally pulled your souls into the bodies of the Dursleys." Harry sat back and finished softly, "Sorry bout that."
Petunia looked at Vernon and Dudley and asked, "Could we get a longer version than that one?"
"Yeah, alright," Harry nodded. "I guess it's that I owed Dudley a favor after he beat all the first years in a magical duel, so in my research on Dementor Blood, I devised a risky but permanent solution to his weight problem. A couple of complications popped up, next thing you know just about everything extremely volatile combined and I could have escaped and left the Dursleys to die, but I instead tried to protect them with a shield of love, like Mum used on me. It appears to have not worked exactly as I'd intended, and I'm pretty sure that's thanks to the spilled Dementor Blood from where Dudley's head got cracked open. Yada, yada, yada, and your souls are now in their bodies."
"What?" Petunia asked confused.
"I thought Dudley was a muggle?" Dudley asked confused.
"Dementor Blood!" Vernon exclaimed.
"Why do I get the feeling that 'yada, yada, yada' covers most of what you still don't know?" Dudley added with a smile while he rubbed feeling into his particularly sore butt cheek.
Harry looked at them and said, "Yes, you heard me right. Yes, he is a muggle. Yes, Dementor Blood. And yes, I still don't know what happened. Primarily, I've no idea how your souls came back, or for that matter where the souls of the Dursleys went."
"Oh right… them." Petunia said.
"Tough break for them," Dudley added.
Vernon gruffly grunted, "They probably deserved it."
Harry frowned, contemplating the magical explosions. "I need time to think about this."
Dudley looked at Vernon and Petunia and shrugged. "Err… alright, Harry. I'll try and catch these two up on what I know, but we could use a little background on…"
"Oh, right. Yeah. Hold on a sec." Harry interrupted and vanished as Dudley finished his sentence "…current events."
"Did he just apparate without even standing up?" Vernon asked with a glimmer of pride.
Dudley nodded. "I don't think I even heard a sound."
"Moooooooooooony!" Harry called out. "I need you!"
"Harry!" Remus exclaimed. "I was wondering if I might hear from you. And you need me, eh? This one of those times you need my help?"
Harry sighed heavily. "Yeah, I definitely could use your help."
"Alright Harry," Remus agreed. "I'll take care of the bodies this time, but if this happens again-"
"No, no. It's not that, here, just come with me." Harry grabbed onto Remus and popped them both back to the Chamber of Secrets.
Remus looked at his surroundings and did not recognize the place. He spotted Harry's relatives talking amongst themselves, though he swore he heard Dudley say something about Lord Buggermort. "The Dursleys are alive?"
"Err… here, you just talk to them. I need to think." Harry walked over and introduced them. "Moony, I'm sure you remember the Dursleys. This is Lily, James, and Sirius. Or as I like to call them Mum, Dad, and… Sirius. I trust you all can find something to talk about."
Remus just stared at Harry, fearing what the young man had done. "Are you serious?"
Dudley began to open his mouth, when he got whacked on the back of the head by Petunia. "Don't even think about it."
"Good god woman," Dudley yelled as he rubbed the back of his head. "I'm really starting to miss you less and less."
Vernon looked over at Remus and gasped. "Cheese and rice, Moony. You look older than Padfoot's underwear."
Remus heard Vernon Dursley's voice, and saw Vernon Dursley in front of him, but that was exactly Prongs' attitude. "What the hell are you?"
Petunia rubbed her nose. "Well, I know we were dead, Remus, so I'm not really sure."
"We're fatter," Dudley said.
"And uglier," Vernon said.
"Every bit as confused though," Petunia added.
Remus looked at the three Dursley's and then back at Harry, who was now deep in thought with his face buried in his hands. Remus finally just started laughing.
Remus turned back to the Dursley's. "I don't think Harry is going to be a very good host for the moment. So … err… Wow! Umm… Wait! Hugs!" Remus was giggling as he embraced the Dursley bodies that contained his deceased friends. He realized it was more awkward than he'd expected when he couldn't even reach his hands around James in Vernon's massive body. "So, err… what're you confused about?"
Vernon looked at Dudley and back to his wife. "I think Moony is losing it in his old age."
Remus just frowned. "I'm not that old."
"Well how old are you?" Petunia asked. "Or rather, what's the date?"
Remus thought for a second and answered, "I'm 42, for your information. It's July 12th, 2002."
"2002," Vernon repeated slowly and turned to his wife. "Our son is older than us."
Remus just shook his head. "It really is you guys."
"Course it is, Moony!" Dudley cheerfully added. "I hate to be a downer, but… Voldemort?"
"Dead." Remus said with a smile. "For good this time."
"Wonderful!" Dudley beamed. "How'd he die?"
"Err…" Remus paused. "Harry hasn't exactly been talkative about the subject."
"Harry," Dudley called out to the contemplative young man. "How'd Voldemort die?"
Harry didn't even look up as he answered immediately. "Slowly, deliberately, and in a lot of pain."
Dudley's eyebrows rose at that. "Nice."
Any further questions were halted when Harry called out, "Moony! You said you were wondering if you'd hear from me. Why was that?"
"Oh," Remus answered. "Because all of the Ministry magical sensors and detectors fried, melted, or exploded due to an unidentified magical explosion on Privet Drive. The Headmaster was trying to track you down, and get some answers. Apparently, they needed a second squadron of Obliviators, and there were some idiots calling for your arrest."
Harry just laughed. "God I hate politics. I'm almost curious what would happen if they tried to arrest me."
"Harry!" Petunia scolded. "Don't even joke about that! If the Ministry is as back-asswards today as it was in our time, you could get sent to Azkaban if you anger the wrong person."
"Azkaban!" Harry said as an idea came to him. "That's not a bad idea."
Dudley looked at Moony. "Have things changed that much at my old stomping grounds?"
Remus cringed. "No, not really. Same guards. But I think they like Harry."
"Oh right," Harry said. "Sorry about that one, Sirius. I wasn't thinking. But for your information, it's not that bad if you know the right people. I go over some weekends to hang out with Bob and we listen to the Quidditch on the Wireless. A lot of drinking and unfortunately more noogies than I care for."
Remus' eyes lit up. "That's why you sometimes have diseased rotting flesh in your hair!"
"Yeah," Harry said with a shrug. "That is one of the reasons."
Vernon and Petunia were listening to the words being said but hearing very little. Vernon blustered, "You realize me and Lils here aren't understanding anything you guys are saying, right?" Petunia nodded at Dudley, Harry, and Remus.
Harry stood up. "I need to go talk to Bob and figure out what's happened here. You guys just make yourselves at home and catch each other up." Everything Harry was saying was true, but he still welcomed a bit of time away from this situation, as he was terribly confused on how he should feel right now.
"Wait, Harry!" Remus called out. "Go see Albus, just to let him know you're okay, and not to worry or waste time looking for you."
Harry paused and had a quick conversation with Hogwarts. "Alright." He nodded to Moony.
"Wait, before you go." Dudley exclaimed. "Where are we?"
Harry smiled. "The Chamber of Secrets. Underneath a section of the grounds here at Hogwarts."
Petunia and Vernon began looking around a bit fearfully, while Dudley began to snicker.
Remus frowned. "We can't apparate then. How do we get out of here?"
Harry shrugged. "Could be tricky without my help."
Dudley asked, "And what if something happens to you?"
"Well," Harry shrugged. "You better hope I don't get arrested then." And with a snap of his fingers Harry disappeared leaving behind his parents and all the remaining Marauders.
"Albus?" Harry called out from the Headmaster's office. He nodded at several of the portraits.
"Harry!" the Headmaster exclaimed as he came out from his private chambers. "I'm glad to see you are unharmed."
"Yeah," Harry said. "Sorry about that. Was trying a little something out involving Dementor Blood."
Albus inclined his head, asking for more information.
Harry smiled weakly. "It didn't go quite as planned."
"I should hope not," Albus said with a frown. "It was off every scale the Ministry monitors had."
Harry didn't want to look Albus in the eye. "Oops."
"Harry," Albus continued seriously. "There are two melted shells of cars and some neighbors accounts that make it likely the Dursleys were at home at the time."
"The who?" Harry asked innocently.
"Harry," Albus scolded.
"Oh…" Harry said as though he just remembered. "Them."
Albus sighed. "Oh Harry, please tell me you didn't kill the Dursleys."
"No!" Harry exclaimed immediately. "Not really, I don't think… well…" Harry winced and finished sheepishly, "I guess it sort of depends on how you define the word... Dursley."