Inuyasha was having a bad day.
Kagome had already sat him, Sango had beaten him with her boomerang, Miroku had 'accidentally' groped him for forty minutes, and Shippou had morphed into a series of bubbly females and tackled him. Of course, he was a hot slice of hanyou man-meat, but this was getting ridiculous. His friends were losing sight of the goal. Which was to make Tessaiga the best damn sword EVER - um, he means, defeat Naraku.
It wasn't like Inuyasha encouraged this inappropriate behavior. One would think acting like a sexual spaz would deter people.
But Inuyasha had a plan. A very good plan, if he didn't say so himself. (Which he did.) The brilliant plan was thus: he'd wait until their backs were turned and make a break for it.
Now, some people would call this brilliant plan a fairly generic one. And it was. But that wasn't the point! The point was, he couldn't take another moment of his friends. It wasn't like he'd asked to be the hottest thing since ever. The question was, why now? They'd been able to resist his raw animal magnetism until now. And now they were all after a piece of his tender virgin flesh.
Well, he wasn't going to let them have it. Screw them! Or, in this case, don't screw them.
Great, now he was getting all confused. What was he saying again? Oh, that's right: (don't) Screw his friends. They couldn't heap their cynicism and verbal abuse on him and then expect him to perform like a monkey.
Inuyasha shot a glance at Sango, Miroku, Kagome, and Shippou. They were currently engaged in a slap fight to decide who got him first. Gathering his resolve, Inuyasha began to sneak away. Like a really sneaky ninja. Or something.
"Hey!" Shippou shouted, pointing. "He's making a break for it!"
"No!" Miroku cried.
"After him!" Kagome hollered, letting go of Sango's hair.
"Yes!" Sango said. "Bind him with some of your sutras, Miroku! ...not that I have a bondage fetish," she added quickly. "The black leather full-body suit means nothing!"
"You better give it up, Inuyasha!" Miroku said, tactfully ignoring Sango's sort-of confession. It's not as if she was actually hiding it, anyway.
"That's right, Inuyasha!" Shippou shouted. "We all want it!"
"NEVER!" Inuyasha cried dramatically, fleeing.
"Oh, damn!" Kagome cried. "Now how are we supposed to catch him?"
As Kagome only seems to be aware she is in possession of miko powers 18 percent of the time, it is no surprise she forgot she could sit him.
Several miles away Inuyasha collapsed, panting, against a tree. "Fucking insane... all of them..."
"There you are, dog turd!"
Inuyasha groaned. "Kouga, seriously, I'm not in the mood."
"Then I'll just have to TAKE it from you by force!"
Inuyasha's eyes widened. "WHAT!"
"You heard me!"
Inuyasha made a break for it. Now, Kouga was fast, but there's nothing in the world that can outrun a seriously disturbed hanyou.
"What the hell has gotten into everyone?" Inuyasha mused. He was so busy musing he didn't look where he was going. And that was how Inuyasha ran full-speed into Sesshoumaru's chest plate.
Now, Sesshoumaru was a bit like a rock. Actually, the more one thinks of it, the better a comparison that sounds. It's the whole stoic persona, I suppose. But anyway, the point is, running into Sesshoumaru is a bit like running into a brick wall. And those chest spikes fucking HURT. Inuyasha fell over, swearing.
"There you are, little brother."
"Sesshoumaru! What are you doing here!"
Sesshoumaru blinked. "Standing."
Inuyasha glared at his brother as he stood up, brushing himself off. "God, you will not believe the day I've been having. I'm almost relieved to see you."
Sesshoumaru lifted an eyebrow. "Are you ready to give it up, then?"
Inuyasha's mouth fell open. "WHAT!" Sesshoumaru gave him a sort of 'All right, what was that emotional outburst for?' look. "Oh god! Don't tell me you want it too!"
Sesshoumaru looked slightly bemused. "I have been after it since the beginning. That is why I continue to seek you out, Inuyasha."
"Oh God! Oh gross!" Inuyasha dry-heaved.
"If you do not cooperate, I have no qualms with hurting you," Sesshoumaru said, flexing his wrist.
Inuyasha ran. Again. He felt it was the appropriate thing to do in this sort of situation.
He noticed Soul Collectors. And promptly ran in the opposite direction. They dive-bombed him, attacking his waistband. Inuyasha considered ritual suicide. It was the only way he could possibly hope to escape his world with his purity intact. Inuyasha decided he would have to go into hiding. He changed direction again, heading toward the mountains. He was nearly there when he had to come skidding to a stop.
Blocking his path was none other than Jaken.
"Oh, God no." Inuyasha whimpered.
"You!" Jaken cried, waving his staff dramatically. "I am here to finish what Sesshoumaru-sama started!"
Inuyasha buried his face in his hands and sobbed.
"You are not!" a high-pitched voice interrupted indignantly.
"You - how dare - gah!" Jaken enunciated.
Rin came up, pouting. "I get to deal with Inuyasha!"
"ME!" Rin screeched. Jaken looked defeated. Rin turned to grin at him, looking smug.
Inuyasha looked back, horrified. "You're eight."
"I'm five," she said in a proud, and-Sesshoumaru-sama-already-trusts-me-with-so-much tone of voice. Inuyasha tried running again, but Jaken tried what no one else had: he tripped him with his staff before he got very far.
"God, why me?" Inuyasha sobbed. "Why is everyone out for my hot body today?"
"Huh?" Rin and Jaken asked, exchanging looks.
Before anything more could be said, Toutousai suddenly appeared on his bull. "There you are," he said in his usual tone of voice.
"Toutousai! Help me!"
Toutousai seemed to think it over. He watched as Rin and Jaken began to climb up Inuyasha's legs. He scratched his knee.
"Well, all right," he finally said, lowering his hammer so that Inuyasha could grab hold of the handle. Inuyasha collapsed, gasping for breath, on the flank of the three-eyed bull. Jaken clung on to his foot, hollering about doing Sesshoumaru's bidding. Inuyasha shook him vigorously. Jaken's grip finally slipped, and he went spiraling off back toward the earth.
"Oh thank you. Oh God, THANK YOU, Toutousai!"
"Did I miss something?" Toutousai asked idly.
"Everyone wants a piece of my hot body!"
Toutousai stilled. He turned to look at him. He slowly lifted and lowered his right eyebrow. Then he slowly lifted and lowered his left eyebrow. Then he started laughing. Hard.
And didn't stop.
"Shut up!" Inuyasha shouted, and he didn't. "There is nothing funny about the misery my hot body brings!" he continued to shout, and Toutousai continued to beg to differ. "Ugh! Why do you keep laughing!"
"Because," Toutousai wheezed. "You are such a dumbass."
Inuyasha made an outraged noise. "I am not!"
"Yes, you are," Toutousai said calmly.
Rather than continue the juvenile did not/did too routine, Toutousai decided to take the high road. The high road involved beaming Inuyasha in the head with his hammer.
"OI! What the hell was that for!"
"You're a dumbass. What makes you think everyone is after your 'hot body'?"
"Duh! Because they said so!"
"Oh, did they," Toutousai said in a very skeptical tone of voice.
"Think very hard now," Toutousai said. "Did anyone actually say they wanted you?"
"It's implied when they grope you and try to steal your clothes and say they want you."
"And this groping - did it come in from the left side?"
"What difference does that make!"
"Were they trying to take all your clothes, or were their efforts focused on hips?"
"They only needed to get my pants off!"
"Lastly," Toutousai said, "Did they actually say 'I want you?'"
Inuyasha frowned. "What are you getting at, Toutousai?"
"Just think," he said. "I'm sure it'll come to you."
He thought. And thought. And continued to think. Toutousai filed his nails. And then, slowly, comprehension seemed to dawn.
"Are you saying everyone was after TESSAIGA?"
"Think about it," Toutousai said. "Doesn't that make a whole lot more sense?"
"Well," Inuyasha said. He seemed to be trying to decide if this was a good turn of events, or a bad one. At last he said, "I suppose I'm relieved. The burden of being unbearably sexy was too much for me."
"Of course," Toutousai said with a dry little cough.
"And," Inuyasha said, "it's a relief to know Sesshoumaru hasn't been molesting me with his mind." Toutousai gave him a strange look. "But wait..." Inuyasha said, frowning. "If everyone has been after Tessaiga... then why haven't you tried to take it?"
Toutousai looked slightly alarmed. "I created Tessaiga. That's practically incest! I may do a lot of things, but I don't do that."
"Oh," Inuyasha said, relaxing. They drifted along for a while in comfortable silence. Then Inuyasha got to thinking again. "Hey..." he said slowly, "why did you save me then?"
"Because," Toutousai said, and gave him a look that had nothing to do with Tessaiga. Inuyasha's eyes widened. Too late he realized his mistake. In his haste to escape imagined danger, he had put himself right in harm's way! And they were miles above the earth - there was, literally, no escape.
"Like I said," Toutousai said smugly, leaning forward until Inuyasha couldn't lean back anymore without tumbling to his death. "I do a lot of things."