I know many Star Ocean fans despise Sophia and like to bash her constantly. Since I scorn unfair bashers, I feel obligated to write a little tribute to underrated characters. Some people may accuse me of going against my code of never bashing, which is true. However, I stated that I would never bash any characters. Please, if you are a basher of Sophia or are easily offended by stories like this, and cannot take silly humor, do not read this. Please take my warning and don't flame unless you will be reasonable about it. Thank you.
And thus, the bashing of bashers is revealed.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Ocean: Till the End of Time or any of its characters. I don't own the bashers either…. They're out there, somewhere….
"Okay, so here's the plan." A large sheet of paper was spread out on a table.
"Um… What's the plan again?" An uncertain, male voice asked.
"The PLAN, you idiot! How could you forget? This is our big day we've been waiting for ever since… that… THING existed!" The owner of the voice grinned, standing up proudly as she was the leader of her group. Her true name was never to be said aloud, lest very dangerous and odd things would wreak havoc on those who speak it. But alas, because of this, the writer was forced to title her mysteriously (A/N: - and unoriginally because I was too lazy to think up names)…: Basher #1. Her trusty (?) second-in-command was arguably more vicious than she was, and whose name we dare not speak of…. And thus, we dub him…: Basher #2.
"Ahem. We shall commence the meeting-"
"But I thought we already started the-"
"SHUT UP! Never, under any circumstances interrupt me while I am speaking! AHEM. Again, as I was saying, we shall commence the meeting of a most important matter. We have a plan and have waited for centuries to carry out-"
"But you weren't alive centuries ago…. Come to think of it, neither was Star Ocean…."
"I told you to shove it! That's not the point! Now anyway, as you all know, this is our target." Basher #1 whipped out a Crude Rod and smacked it on the paper. The group stared at the directed target and carried confused expressions. "What's that…?"
"It's…. Oh, I can't even say her name! I-it's…. It's…!"
"Yes! Thank you. That whiny, prissy, goody-two-shoes, annoying, ugly, and stupid girl who's all over Fayt!"
"It looks like a stick with arms, legs, and a… I think that's…. Is that an egg? No wait, it looks like a blob…"
"And that's what her face looks like! I put a lot of my artistic talents into drawing this repulsive stick figure! Now, as I was saying, this is the object of our hatred."
All the bashers nodded in agreement. Basher #1 moved the Crude Rod to the 'elaborate' plan she had designed. "We will be ambushing this pest and rid her of the universe once and for all! Observe!"
She pointed her Crude Rod to a group of stick figures. "This is us."
"Man I really look ugly there…"
"Silence you maggot! Mwahaha, I have adopted the speech of thy holy ruler, Albel Nox! Anyway, back on track. This is Soap-Pee-Ya, or whatever her name is, with her friends. But they're not really her friends because they hate her. Especially Albel. He wants to kill her every second of the day. My love and I have so much in common!"
She moved the rod to a dot that had 'Bequerrel Mines' written above it. "She and the group are headed to Arias, but it's a long journey from the edge of the mines to there. So…" Basher #1 traces the curved line on the paper with her rod and slams it on the Sophia stick figure. "You see? It's brilliant!"
A female basher raised her eyebrow. "I don't get it."
"That's because you're stupid. Just like Soap-Pee-Ya or whatever her name is. Anyway, this line is the path we travel to run behind Soap-Pee-Ya and grab her! Then nobody would notice, but then again nobody would care…. Well, it doesn't hurt to be safe."
Basher #2 crossed his arms and scrutinized the complicated plan carefully. "Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but… aren't there supposed to be mountains in that path you drew?"
"Er…. Never mind that! We'll compromise. Now, troops…. MOVE OUT!"
The team of bashers snuck to the back of a mountain, spying on the group traveling before them. "This is our chance… Basher #2, #18, #711, and #30, follow me." The bashers nodded but Basher #1 accidentally got her foot caught in the wired fences, causing her to fall over. "You're so stupid, and you call yourself our leader…" Basher #98 retorted. "Go stand upside down with your thumb shoved up your nose for all I care!" Basher #1 yelled, but then clamped her mouth as soon as she realized she could have given their position away.
With Fayt and company, Cliff stopped, leaving the others to stare at him questionably. "What is it?" Nel inquired. "I just thought I heard somethin'. Sounds like it came from behind that mountain over there."
"Hmph. Stop wasting time, worm. It must be those rats with quills pinned in them…."
"Porcupines, Albel, porcupines."
Back to our group of bashers, we see Basher #1 regaining her composure. "Okay, on three… One, two… Three!" The bashers sprinted ((cough)) towards Sophia, being as quiet as they could. Luckily for them, Sophia was behind the rest of the group. Just as they were about to snatch Sophia, she came to a stop. Panicking, the dispersed bashers tried to stuff themselves behind a skinny tree. Again, to their unbelievable luck, the group hadn't noticed their obvious position as their attention was to Sophia.
"What's wrong?" Fayt asked. Sophia shook her head, looking on the ground. "Nothing. I think I lost my cat charm, that's all. Um, you can all go on ahead, I'm going to look around for it. I must have dropped it somewhere. It's really important to me."
"Okay. I can help you look." Fayt said, knowing that she treasured the cat doll that was at the end of her staff. He gave it to her as a birthday present and never lost sight of it since. "No, it's okay. I'll be in Arias soon, I promise." She gave a reassuring smile to everyone. Reluctantly, Fayt left along with the rest of the group, but not before telling her to be careful. "I will. Don't worry."
Sophia sighed and turned around, only to come face to face with Basher #1. Basher #1 held up Sophia's cat charm tauntingly, waving it in front of her. "Looking for this?"
"Oh! My cat charm! Thanks for finding it." Sophia was about to take it, but the basher leader tossed it to the ground. "Huh?"
"Ugh, you are such a ditz. 'Let's all be happy and nice!', 'we're all best friends!', 'I'll do my best!'" Basher #1 mocked. Sophia frowned at her mockery. "Hey, what's going on?"
"What's going on is that I have successfully ambushed you, and now that you're away from Fayt and the others, all you can do is cry for help pathetically!"
"Uh, I thought she stopped to look for her charm… I don't think we ambushed-"
"SHUT UP! God, people! Well anyway," Basher #1 picked up the cat charm again, smiling smugly. "if you want your kitty, you're gonna have to take it from me! Not like you can. You're so weak, helpless, whiny-"
Basher #1 felt herself being jolted with surges of electricity. She looked at Sophia in shock, who was wearing a less-than-amused face. "Give my charm back. It's mine. And you won't like me when I'm not nice."
"Pfffttt! I don't like you when you are nice! But whatever, you're not getting this back! Troops, commence Operation: GRoS!"
"… Gross? What's that mean?" Basher #292 asked. "Argh! I thought that would have been obvious! GRoS! Get Rid of Sophia?" The leader waved her arms frantically. "Oohhh…" the group said in understanding. "Well don't just stand there! ATTACK!" As soon as Basher #1 gave the order, her team of bashers took action. Sophia stood in a defensive stance, readying her weapon. Just as all the bashers were about to converge all at once, she cast off a quick spell.
"Crush!" A gigantic weight in the shape of a bunny fell on top of several bashers and a mix of screams and squishing sounds filled the air. Basher #1's eyes widened and allowed a growl escape her throat. "Come on you sissies, get on your feet! You can't let a stupid, fat bunny stop you!" The bunny weight lifted, relieving the bashers of the heavy mass. Just as they were getting up, several pink bunnies chewed on their feet, causing them to trip and fall over. A random boy basher shrieked as the bunny assaulting him grinned menacingly in the cutest manner before chomping on his arm.
Basher #1 shook her head in disbelief. "I can't believe my people are being attacked by the aftermath of 'Crush'…. Attacked by fur balls!" She swiveled around when she heard a cry for help. A basher girl was mercilessly being jumped on the head by an otherwise happy looking bunny. "Puu-riii!" it cried, then began to chew on the girl's hair as if it were lettuce. Three bunnies hopped over to Basher #1's position and hopped playfully, saying "Puu-rii" and "Ri-rrr" as if to growl. Basher #1 looked at them disdainfully and kicked one of them, sending them flying in the arms of Sophia.
"Aww… Are you okay?" Sophia cradled the bunny until it disappeared as the rest of them started to. Angered at Basher #1, the remaining bunnies gnawed on her hands and feet. "YOWCH! Get off me, you hairballs!" After a few seconds, all of the bunnies vanished, leaving the bashing population groaning at the pain of being bitten and stomped on. "Grrr…. You! You're supposed to be worthless and crying your eyes out by now!" The basher leader exclaimed in rage, glaring at Sophia with all the anger she had.
Sophia placed her index finger on her chin thoughtfully. "I don't think I should be crying…. Do you want me to?" She had a hint of sarcasm in her sweet voice.
"Why you little-…. It doesn't matter now. This is the end! Troops, bring out your weapons!" The bashers obeyed their leader and pulled out various sharp objects from their pockets. How a boy was able to drag out an eight foot axe from his bag was a mystery to Sophia, but she covered her mouth to prevent a laugh as the axe nearly sliced him in two from plummeting to the ground. "Argh…. You're so stupid Basher #248! Get something smaller next time so you don't end up committing suicide before you can kill Sophia! CHARGE!" Basher #1 commanded, whipping out her own bazooka.
"Don't they have anything better to do?" Sophia sighed and took out her Sacred Ether, casting a spell as the horde of people ran in her direction, knives and spears at the ready. "Thunder Flare!" The army was stopped in its tracks when a globe of electricity engulfed them, forcing them to drop their weapons. Caught in the electromagnetic field as well, Basher #1 fired her bazooka before dropping it. Unfortunately for her, her attack missed and ended up hitting the majority of her team, disintegrating their weapons as well.
"AUGH! Basher #1 you're hopeless!" Basher #2 yelled as he tried to break free of the stun lock. "Well I didn't mean to! I was aiming for that little head of hers!" Basher #1 yelled back angrily. In the meantime, Sophia twirled her weapon between her fingers, waiting for Thunder Flare to stop. After a final shock burst, the cluster was released from the continuous attack. Wanting to return to Fayt and company, Sophia decided to keep them in place with Deep Freeze.
"I-i-it's freezing!" A random female basher shivered as she rubbed her arms to stay warm." Basher #2 rolled his eyes. "Duh! That's why it's called DEEP FREEZE, DAMN IT!" He sneezed, his snot flying over Basher #1. "Yuck! Couldn't you sneeze on Sophia?"
"I would if she wasn't freaking thirty feet away from us!" Basher #2 shouted as Sophia walked casually away from them. Basher #1's eyes bugged out of her sockets. "She's getting away! Well don't stand there like a bunch of popsicles! After her!" Shaking the frost off of her, she sprinted after Sophia… only to slip and fall on her face due to the ice. Several bashers had already been frozen solid, with a few others beginning to succumb to the cold. Basher #26 slipped and accidentally knocked over four bashers, shattering them to 2,476,899 little pieces and seven larger ones. "Oops…" he said sheepishly. After the snow melted, the frigid bashers were in pursuit of Sophia, lugging their already frozen body parts at a slow pace. "This… is… stupid!" Basher #2 said, yanking Basher #1 up to her feet. "We can't let her get away!" Basher #1 pushed Basher #2 over to chase after Sophia, who was already eighty feet away.
Meanwhile, Sophia heard a soft rumbling noise and noticed the ground was shaking. She turned around and saw a cloud of dust coming her way. "Don't tell me…. These guys must run on batteries or something. I'm getting tired of this." She raised her staff and started mumbling a spell: Explosion. The stampede advanced quickly in a short amount of time until some bashers in front halted abruptly, causing the others to slam into them and topple over each other like bowling pins. "What?!" Basher #1 snarled, clearly uncomfortable at the bottom of the pile. Bashers #38, 7, 544, 53, and 21 wrinkled their eyebrows. "Is it me, or is it getting hotter all of a sudden?" Basher #53 inquired. "It's just you." Basher #1 said with grit teeth as she shoved everyone off of her.
Basher #371 was the only one who thought of looking up, and found herself wetting her pants at what she saw. "There are bathrooms for doing that!" Basher #2 protested as he was being peed all over. Basher #371 raised a shaky finger at the sky, trembling as she continued to gape at what she was staring at. "L-l-l-l-l-look!" she whimpered, eyes wide and terrified. "L-l-l-l-l-look at what?" Basher #1 mocked, annoyed. Glancing upwards, she saw a very beautiful, very vibrant, very dangerous, and very hot orb of flames slowly descend upon them. "Oh my Albel…" She didn't have any time to react as the fire reached her and a few of the bashers.
The rest of them screamed and ran for their lives as the scorching sphere began to smolder their allies. In mere seconds, the fire extended, exploding outwards and capturing the other bashers. The inferno continued to roast all of the bashers as Sophia watched on, beginning to regret doing that to them. "Ouch…. Did I overdo it?" Sophia winced as bloodcurdling screams and squeals were muffled by the blazing Explosion.
Once the attack was done, every last one of them laid charred to a crisp, some twitching about. A black, singed hand gripped the dirt on the ground, forcing the body up. "Hehehe…." Basher #1 chuckled dryly. "With all those attacks… you must have run out of MP by now…. It was worth all that crap, because now you're defenseless." Basher #1 made an attempt to stand, but ended up falling on top of Basher #7. "Oof! Hey… I'm hurtin' here…."
Sophia looked at the team of bashers, concerned. She took out a Mental Enhancer and popped the cork, drinking the fluid inside. Basher #1 nearly died of shock. "NO! Curse those things!" Sighing, Sophia reluctantly raised her staff and started to call out a spell. "Grr, fine! Kill me if you must! I know plenty more who will come after you!"
"Faerie Light!" Sophia spoke. All the bashers heard tingling sounds and saw golden faeries circle them, recovering some of their health. Basher #1 looked at her incredulously as some of the scorch marks faded. Grinning, she motioned to her squad. "Get her! She can't cast anything fast enough before we clobber her!" Bashers struggled to get up with their leader cracking her knuckles. "Do you ever give up?" Sophia sighed exasperatedly, now irritated at them.
"Not until we eliminate you, put Fayt and Maria together, and put Albel and Nel together! This is the end!" Basher #1 let loose a war cry and went to hit Sophia. The symbologist sighed again and switched her Sacred Ether with her Fragile Metal Pipe. Calmly, she smacked the basher leader as if she were a gulf ball and sent her flying. "Fore!" Sophia giggled as she watched Basher #1 land on Basher #2, who was just standing up.
"Anybody else?" Sophia taunted sweetly, tapping the pipe on her shoulder. The bashers looked over to their leader and saw the giant welt on her head. She was unconscious. They sweatdropped and weakly looked back at Sophia. "I'd say it's been fun, but it kind of hasn't, for you anyway. See ya!" She smiled and turned her back to them. She looked on the ground, and there laid innocently her cat charm. Smiling again, she picked it up and dusted it off, attaching it back onto her Sacred Ether. "There you go. Back where you belong." With that, she headed off to Arias. The bashers all groaned, knowing they had failed their mission, but someday, they would come back again….
--- Six Hours Later---
Fayt hiked around the area, wondering where Sophia had gone. "Where is she?" He frowned when he saw nothing but desolate land in front of him. Walking around a bit more, he heard a sound from beneath him. "Oomph!" Looking down, Fayt realized he had stepped on someone. Quickly getting off, he stared at the person who tried to get up. She huffed and looked up to see Fayt, who was confused at her current state. "Must… kill… Sophia!"
"Where is that ditz?"
Fayt's eyes hardened slightly as he said sternly, "She's not a ditz."
"Oh yes she is! I'm going to kill her!"
"… You and what army?"
Basher #1 fell silent. Looking around, she saw that her 'friends' had abandoned her. "They… uh…. They're coming back with reinforcements! Just you watch!"
"Right…." Deciding that it was best not to meddle in whatever affairs she happened to have, he left, leaving her in the dust.
The wind blew as everything grew quiet. A lone dragon flew past, but not before landing a mucky present on Basher #1's head. "Oh what the-… AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"
Ehehehe… I had loads of fun writing this. Once again, please do not flame if you're going to be unreasonable. Other than that, flames are welcomed. By the way, just a few notes in case some of you are interested:
The Crude Rod that Basher #1 had been using to point out her plan is a rod made through smithery. It is the worst possible invention for it, and I find the description to be funny; "A rod that will melt your brain trying to figure out what will match it", or something around those lines.
I know Sophia is a bit out of character, but anyone can be sarcastic, including nice people like her. And you know, the nicest people can be the scariest when you get them angry….
On a final note, I apologize if I have offended any of you. However, it is all in jest, so please don't take any of this personally. I just don't like it when Sophia is bashed, but I also find it to be amusing in the way that she is bashed. Anyway, review if you wish.