Disclaimer: I don't own or am affiliated with LH or Underworld

Chapter 3: Retard Ronin Looking For Promise Girl

Author: Sci-Fi Raptor

As chapter title hints… author attempting to marginalize hated male pervert loser ronin…

I feel honored to have been graced by the presence of the great Dark Icon Writers ;) I shall do thy bidding, o Dimitri! For the Rodina!

I forgot to mention it before, but thank you James and Jihi for pointing out my massive hemorrhaging mistake. Like I said before, I will try and work in the Japanese dialogue in a more suitable manner when I feel like doing that kind of work that would make having Japanese dialogue flow and fitting to read like some genius people (of whom I am envious of them) are able to.

AND NO BITCHING ABOUT PAIRINGS! KEITARO IS GAY! (is what I'd like to say, but then no one would read this anymore, so I guess I'll let him be straight. But I ain't promisin' no nookies)

Keitaro: Phew! I think…

Now let's all take a deep breath and bark to sanzen roppyaku nanaju ichi.

Rapto' out…


"Mew?" a high pitched, girly sounding turtle squeaked.

"T-t-turtle!" Motoko cried and slashed at it.

"Mew-Mew-Mew-Mew!" Tama-chan cried and flew away. Motoko calmed herself and caught her breath. True, she seemed to have an illogical fear of turtles, but why would Tama-chan give such a sense of foreboding? It was the first time this had ever happened.

Maybe I just imagined it? Motoko thought. Ane-ue did alert me to the possible presence of werewolves in the city… I have been very much on edge since then… She decided to let it go. There was no way Tama-chan was evil. Motoko had a strong enough grasp of reality to understand that turtles were not inherently evil.

Pervert male ronins on the other hand… she thought, when she spied him standing on the roof. He had his arm held out so that Tama could perch on it. He brought the turtle close to him so it could crawl on its usual nesting spot on his head.

There was something peculiar about him. He seemed very calm… very confident. Motoko jumped up to the roof and stood by his side in moments.

"What vile acts are you committing at this hour, Urashima?" Motoko said from behind.

"AH! Motoko-chan! Don't scare me like that!" he said, caught off guard. Like usual fashion, he almost fell over the edge, but managed to hold something at the last second.

Something soft…

"Pervert!" Motoko screamed, and sent him to jump over the moon. She stood in her finishing pose to catch her breath; she was still on edge and had expended much more energy than usual on the attack. When she was composed, she looked at the horizon and saw that the sun was almost ready to come up.

"I guess I should get started training…" she said, and did so.


Su was working in her lab like unusual. She was tinkering with a clip, reloading the bullets in it. When she finished reloading it, she put it back into its cozy home inside a 0.9mm and started blasting caps at a picture of Tama-chan. She missed, obviously, but managed to get one shot to land somewhere reasonable. I have to thank Keitaro for playing with me! Su thought joyfully. Last time she was calibrating Naru's gun, she went through three clips before she managed to land a shot.

"I still don't get why she won't take the active targeting…" she said to herself as she walked up to the pseudo-Tama. "Then all she would have to do is just push the trigger…"

The target was simply a piece of paper taped to a wall. Where the bullet had hit, there was a metal stub surrounded by a splattered liquid. She observed the area of incident and grinned with satisfaction when she found it in well standing.

"Naru!" the monkey- err, nutcase yelled while bounding through the house.

"Yes, Su?" Naru asked, appearing before her out of the blue. Su jumped back in surprise, but stood still staring at her when Su recognized who she was.

"Do that again!" she begged, exploding with energy and tears.

"Hush!" Naru said, and gave her a noogie. When the girl started thrashing, but seemed to forget about the tactical ability, Naru let her go.

"I did good, Naru! I did good!" she started, jumping up and down. Her movements made Naru want to reach for a cup of coffee.

"Well, lets see this thing…" Naru said, resigned. Even if Su was crazy and probably infected with mad cow disease, she was still good with her work. Whatever she had come up with, it must have been amazing to make her go to this level of overdrive. The nutcase- err, crack head led Naru to her room and took her to her lab table/ play-games-that-hurt-with-Keitaro zone. She picked up Naru's gun and gave it to her. While Naru inspected it for pranks/traps/bombs, Su punched up a new target for her to shoot at.

"How fitting," Naru said, looking at the man in the poster. She had wanted to shoot that Pervert ever since she first laid eyes on him. She held the gun with both hands to have a stable platform for the medium ranged shot (Su had invented a super short silencer a long time ago, but Naru only used it when practicing in Su's room) and popped a few caps. When the first shot splattered on the target, Naru flinched, expecting something to go BOOM!


Naru looked around to see where the sound came from, but found Su smacking a drug really hard. "Su!" Naru scolded to the easily distracted girl. "Focus!"

"Hehe… sorry," the girl said, making an innocent face.

"So, tell me what's up with this new ammo?" Naru asked. She unloaded the clip and found that the bullets weren't solid at all. Instead, only the cap was metallic, while the rest of it was made of some transparent material. The contents looked like plain old water.

"Okie dokie," Su said, and held a vial of some similar looking liquid.

"Its silver nitrate," Su explained. "Once it makes contact with the skin, the nose shatters. The liquid dissolves directly into the bloodstream and the Wolf doesn't stand a chance."

"But shouldn't it look, like… silvery?" Naru asked, confused by the common misconception started in part by the bean counters for Underworld.

"Nope. When silver nitrate is dissolved in water, its clear like water. When its solid, it's white because it's a stable substance." (Don't quote me on the stable part… but you can easily Google the first two)

"Its probably a lot cheaper than pure silver, no doubt," Naru said, taking a closer look at the ammo.

"That's true. But its also a guaranteed kill. There's no way to take it out once it penetrates the skin, and each shot carries a lethal dose," Su said, smirking. Naru inspected the ammo a while longer before shoving it in back to its home. She patted Su on the head and said, "You did good, Su. You did real good…"


The Vatican

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned…" a worshipper wrought with guilt pleaded in the confession booth. It was late in the night, but he wanted to get the deed off of his chest right away.

"What is troubling you, my child?" the priest said from the shadows.

"I have committed the most adulterous act! I had strayed from the true path for but a moment, and now I fear that I shall suffer eternal damnation!"

"Be calm my child. Tell me what has happened…"

"I had sex with another man!"

"Truly a sacrilege…" the priest said darkly.

"I never meant to. I was drunk, and something led to another and I found myself in bed with him! Surly Satan was with us in bed!"

"Tell me child, did you make this discovery within the last hour?"

"Y-yes, father. How did you know?"

The priest stayed quiet for a little bit. The worshipper heard some strange noises coming from across the screen and began to worry. He was about to ask if the priest was okay, but a deep voice spoke first.

"Because I can smell the blood of your sin!" the voice said. The worshipper flinched in horror and tried to get out, but the wall between him and the priest turned to splinters as what he thought was a demon from hell bit him in the throat.

"Ahhhgggg…" the worshiper tried to scream, but blood had already filled his lungs.


Mario wiped his mouth as he entered his master mansion. No doubt he would be angry that Mario was late, but he would understand that he had needs. Like everyone else in the house, human flesh was a delicacy.

"It's a me, Mario," he said into the intercom and waited for the gates to open. A camera paned his way and moments later, he was walking into the waiting room.

"Master is waiting for you in his office," one of the house slaves said, quivering. It knew what fate awaited it if it so much as made a Wolf annoyed.

"Bah!" Mario said, startling the weakling. The human almost wet itself and ran away with fright. Mario laughed as he made his way to the Master's room.

"Sit. We have a problem," the Master said even before Mario could say Boun Giorno (even though it was late into the night, but details, details...). Master was writing a letter and didn't even look up. Mario did as he was told and waited for the news.

"Antonio is dead," he simply stated, not even seeming to care. Mario was about to rage in fury, but the Master held his hand up.

"The Brethren are aware of our activities. You're going there on the next flight with a Pack. You had better have had cracked Japan by the time of the Awakening. And stay away from that Noriyasu."

Mario waited a few more moments for him to say anything else. He had been strangely calm about this whole thing. When he didn't look up from the letter he had been writing the whole time, Mario got up and moved to leave.

"One more thing," the Master said just as Mario was about to leave.





"I must see the count immediately!" a man screamed to the guard.

"Who are you?" the guard demanded.

"Seta Noriyasu!"

"Oh! Come in, sir…" The gates opened and the man was hustled to the count.

"Count!" Seta all but hollered. The Old One gave him his full attention.

"What is it, child?" he said calmly. He had learned to appreciate that whenever Seta came to him like this, he had found something amazing.

"I have found the Blood Right!" he said in amazement.

"WHAT?" the count said, astonished. "How did you come across it?"

"One of my disciples hunted a Wolf. He told me about it. We must get to it first!"

"You have all my resources at you disposal. Now, be gone so that I may slumber…"

"Thank you, master," Seta said with a smirk. He held the metal object precariously in hid hand while the count turned his back on him…


I'll give you two guesses as to who the count is. No, he's not a character from Dune…

Breaking from my normal, I've decided to write this as it comes to me. It means faster updates, but crappy grammar and plot organization on my part. I might decide to clean it up after I finish if I ever get that far.