A Day in the Life of Naraku

By Dranxis

Chapter 9: Sweet Victory and Bitter Defeat

"Uhhh, Miroku, what's that rumbling sound?" Shippo glanced over his shoulder, shivering. "I feel like it's following us…"

"Then we'll just have to keep moving, Shippo," Miroku cut him off, as the monk made his way down the corridor. "We're almost there… I can feel Naraku's evil aura emanating strongly from this direction…"

"But what if we find him, and not the jewel?" whimpered Shippo. "I'm just an ikkle little fox demon, I don't need to die just yet!" With a great deal of willpower, Miroku restrained himself from buffeting the obnoxious fox on the head.

"Silence! We're almost there," Miroku whispered. He stood on the threshold of a great dark room, and unraveled the rosary beads that wound around his hand. Peering cautiously in, the monk saw that no one seemed to wait for them. He entered the room, Shippo glancing warily about on his shoulder.

"This must be Naraku's room." A great dark European-style bed centered the far wall. On another hand, stood a single chair, while at the other corner lay a forgotten bag of golf clubs. It was a sparsely decorated room, giving a feeling of dark emptiness: or just lazy decorating. Miroku moved carefully about the room, seeking the jewel.

"Perhaps he has hidden it away," he mumbled to himself, opening a suspicious looking closet. He poked his head inside. At once he raised one brow, and tossed Shippo from his shoulder.

"Hey, what was that for?" Shippo whined behind him. Miroku stared within the darkness of the closet for a time, his eyes filled with bewilderment. Seeming to have to tear himself away from the sight, the monk whirled about and snapped the door shut.

"It's n-nothing, Shippo, nothing at all!" he smiled. Blinking and rubbing his eyes, Miroku strove vainly to remove the awful pornographic Kikyo posters from his mind's eye.

"Hey, look! The jewel!" Shippo exclaimed, hopping up and down. Miroku's eyes followed the boy's pointing finger to rest on Naraku's dresser. There sparkled the pearly pink jewel, looking as though Naraku had merely left it on his dresser like a set of car keys.

"So… that's where he's hidden them?" Miroku watched the dresser carefully, almost wondering if it could be a trap. Just as he strode forward to snatch the jewel, the walls collapsed around them.

"Miroku! Give me the---" The sound of Inu-Yasha's voice cut through the sucking roar, only to be muffled again. Miroku glanced about, finally spotting one of his friend's furry ears poking up from the great doughy mass. Inu-Yasha resurfaced, clawing his way up as the dough pushed him farther and farther away.

"The jewel! Miroku! Give it to me!"

Separated from his companion by thirty or forty feet of cake-sea, Miroku didn't quite know what to do. In desperation, he sought about the room. His eyes fell upon the golf bag: quickly, the monk yanked a club out of the bag.

"Shippo! Turn into a golf tee!" he commanded, as the fox poofed into a small pink plastic tee. Miroku grabbed the jewel and placed it on the tee. Then, getting into position, the monk took his club and swung.

"FORE!" The Shikon Jewel sailed overhead. In a final burst of strength, Inu-Yasha pounced up, tearing himself from the dough with a swing of his Tetsusaiga. He snatched the pink jewel from the air. Coming to land on a fallen beam, the half-demon turned and grinned.

"Finally! We've won! The Shikon Jewel is ours!" the half-demon cried, looking almost ready to do a victory dance. But the sound of cracking beams brought he, Miroku, and Shippo to the urgency of the situation. Without waiting for a command, Shippo transformed into his floating pink ball form, while Miroku scrambled on. The two rose weakly through the air, just as the dough waves were beginning to converge beneath them.

"Inu-Yasha! This strange matter is taking over the castle— we have to find the others and escape quickly!" Miroku warned. Inu-Yasha glanced about the sea beneath him.

"We can't leave without Kagome! She set out to kill Naraku!" Worriedly he and Miroku washed their sights over the heaving pale cake beneath them. But in one area untouched by dough, Naraku and Kagome emerged, only to stop in terror before it.

"Kagome!" Inu-Yasha called over the roar, but gasped upon seeing her running with Naraku in tow. Kagome stared at the surrounding dough with deathly fear in her eyes. Screaming something unintelligible to them, but sounding very angry, the girl clung to Naraku in terror, seemingly forgetting herself in the panic of the situation. Though equally mortified, Naraku flung her away. Both of them retreated farther back as the cake advanced.

"That bastard… getting Kagome in danger!" Inu-Yasha snarled, springing from his perch. He alighted in their enclosed bit of floor, raising Tetsusaiga threateningly. "Get away from her, Naraku! This monster is your creation, isn't it!"

"He told me he was trying to bake a cake," Kagome explained, shooting a glare at Naraku. Inu-Yasha paused, a strange look stamped on his face, but did not relent as he strode forward.

"I don't care what he was trying to do—Naraku, you're going to answer for it now. We have the Shikon Jewel!" He clutched it triumphantly in one hand.

"Look, people, I don't care about that Shiton Jewel, or whatever it's called, anymore," growled Naraku through clenched teeth. "We shouldn't be arguing about this now! Let's just join forces and fight the cake!" The dough began to converge around them. "All I ever wanted was to cook something to impress Kikyo… I didn't mean for this to happen…" The demon looked on the verge of tears.

Seriously confused by the situation, Kagome and Inu-Yasha stared at the near-mental breakdown of their greatest enemy. Miroku and Shippo floated down, gazing with equal disconcertion. At that moment, a dough-caked Kirara burst from the ceiling. Herself coated with the off-white stuff, Sango shouted down at her friends.

"C'mon, everyone! We can escape on Kirara!"

Inu-Yasha, Miroku, Kagome, and Shippo gave Naraku a fleeting glance as Kirara landed. Naraku stared at Kirara like his own personal chariot of heaven.

"Uhhh…. See ya, I guess, Naraku," muttered Inu-Yasha, climbing on. Kagome joined him, Miroku and Shippo behind her. With difficulty Kirara rose into the air, leaving Naraku alone in the center of the great cake sea.

"No, wait! You can't all just leave me here!" Naraku whimpered, as his last chance for escape drifted away. But his plead fell deaf on the heroes' ears, as the villain himself was engulfed in his own merciless creation.


Sesshoumaru lifted his head, calmly surveying the fading stars. A chill wind sifted through his hair, and he brushed one stray strand away from his face. The demon lowered his gaze, sagacious eyes falling upon the graying mantle of the east.

"So, dawn is upon our doorstep," he intoned to no one in particular. As he did so, he drew breath in astonishment. My lisp… it's gone! The effects of the peach are finally fading!

"M'lord! You can speak again!" Jaken cried, leaping up in celebration. But instantly he came down and scratched his rump, muttering something about an abominable itching attack.

"But Master Jaken, Sesshoumaru's always been able to speak!" said Rin, a petulant look on his face. "He's never been mute, like I was once." Jaken eyed her carefully, wondering how the child never noticed her lord's odd manner of speech. Rin turned back to him. "Hey, where'd Kiki go?"

"Kiki?" spat Jaken, furiously scratching himself, "Don't you mean Kanna? That's what she told me her name was."

"Well, she always insisted I call her Kiki."

"Whatever. That little ghoul of Naraku's just left after she hit her head on the ground, saying something about returning to her master."

Rin's face puckered in confusion at such a statement, but she quickly returned her attention to other matters. Skipping up to Sesshoumaru's side, she smiled up at him.

"I had a lot of fun at Naraku's castle, Sesshoumaru! Kiki and I played hide-and-seek, and wrestled, and… But I'm glad you came to rescue me. Hey, what were you doing with Naraku when all the sticky stuff bubbled around anyway?"

Sesshoumaru blinked, as though jarred from his thoughts, and gazed down at her. He still seemed unable to place the girl's name. But after a moment, he managed with difficulty:

"..Rin, isn't it?" He pointed an uncertain finger at her.

"YAY! Lord Sesshoumaru finally got my name right!" Rin squealed in triumph, running back and grabbing Jaken's hands. She was about to do a dance with the toad demon, when he thrust her away, muttering angrily.

"Don't get so worked up, child, it's just one syllable. And why won't this infernal itching stop?" he snapped, now having to resort to the point of his staff for relief. Smiling a knowing smile, Rin hid a giggle and ran back to Sesshoumaru. "So, where are we going now, Lord Sesshoumaru?"

"Wherever the wind beckons," murmured Sesshoumaru mysteriously, as he glimpsed the edge of the sun. "As long as it's far, FAR away from Naraku, peach trees, or Inu-Yasha and his companions, I do not care where we go from here."

"But don't we need to pick up Aun? We left him in the tune-up place. That's back towards Naraku's castle isn't it?"

Sesshoumaru mentally slapped himself in the forehead. He had forgotten that his dragon was in the shop. But there was absolutely no way he was returning near that hellhole of humiliation ever again. "Errr, Rin, maybe we can leave Aun for a little while longer. Lord Sesshoumaru thinks that maybe he's not done getting an oil change yet. Why don't we just go in the general direction away from Naraku's castle for now, hm?"

"Yippee! Let's go on a road trip!" Rin cried, skipping in his wake. And so, the deeply scarred Sesshoumaru, the highly pleased Rin, and the horrendously itchy Jaken, faded into the glow of the rising sun as they journeyed on.


Kikyo stood slowly, as the sticky dough fell away from her. She sneezed, globs of the stuff hanging from her nose, as she turned miserable eyes to the rising sun. God, this sun'll just bake this crap right onto me, she thought with a dismal frown. I'd better go and wash.

She went on the chaotic tumble of dough, sliding and stumbling as she made her way, feet rising and falling heavily as though through snow or deep swamp. Occasionally, the priestess's foot would be sucked in, and she would fall face-first into the muck. Rising once more, Kikyo clenched back a heavy growl, as she wiped the cake off her face.

"This is all Naraku's fault," she muttered angrily, tears of pain crimping the corner of her eyes as a painful headache set in. "Why'd I have to get so damn drunk? And my clothes are all ruined, and I feel like… like dirt…" She sniffled, lashing an aimless kick at a broken spar of wood sticking up from the turmoil. "When I see that stupid Naraku, I'm gonna give him such a beating, he'll be black and blue the rest of his so-called life…"

Some distance away, Kanna strode wordlessly through the wreckage. Stopping, the black-eyed girl gazed down. She paused then stooped to retrieve a disc-like object from the dough: wiping it off, the girl gave a small, ghostly smile at her long-lost mirror.

"Hey, Kiki, you're still alive," said Kohaku tonelessly, perched atop a dislodged rafter. "Did Rin get away?"

Kanna turned her hollow sights upon him. A small trace of confusion rippled in the depthless pools of her eyes.

"I am called Kanna," she said simply. Kohaku scratched his head, digging dough out of his ponytail.

"Ooooooookay then. I guess you're back to normal then?"


"Yeah, you were all crazy before." Now traces of actual emotion were beginning to appear on Kanna's face.

"I do not understand. How was I 'crazy?'"

Kohaku gave a wry smile. Leaping down into the dough with a splash, he strove to explain her previous behavior.

"Okay, so, you were callin' yourself Kiki, and saying Naraku was your Daddy, and going around trying to give him a hug…"

Kikyo glanced boredly at them from afar, watching the slow progression of wonder on Kanna's face as she listened to Kohaku's account of her antics. It seemed as though the demon slayer was giving the little girl ideas. "It's no matter of mine," Kikyo said under her breath, with a sigh. "I should just leave now…"

She yelped as a hand shot up and grabbed her foot. Tearing away, Kikyo stumbled back and watched as a figure emerged from the dough. It patted the gobs off its arms, turning to survey the damage.

"My, my, and I was just about to finish paying off the castle's electric bills," he sighed, tsk-tsking. "Now I'll have to find another secret hideout… And I'll never find one with such beautiful ceilings again…" Kikyo recognized the voice to be Naraku's. Wiping the dough from his face, Naraku turned to behold Kikyo.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that you I grabbed? My apologies, I thought you were a beam of wood." He stooped forward, offering his hand. Kikyo glared darkly at it, then grudgingly allowed him to pull her up. She fell heavily against him, then pulled roughly away. Naraku gazed intently at her with his auburn eyes, as Kikyo threw her glance stubbornly away. Both of them could hear birdsong some way away, as the morning light set in.

"So… umm… how do you like my cake?" began Naraku with a weak smile, gesturing at the rolling expanses of dough. Kikyo stared dourly about them.

"You were trying to bake… a cake."

"Yes. For you," Naraku offered, declining his head but still gazing at her earnestly.

"Stupid, you couldn't even make yourself a pancake," Kikyo growled, though there was a hint of laughter in her voice. She hid her face, scowling and turning away. No, it's not cute or funny! Stop smiling! You shouldn't encourage him, this guy has done nothing but made you miserable.

Naraku continued to gaze silently at her, a suddenly serious expression on his face. Striding forward through the muck, he surprised her by reaching for her hand.

"Kikyo… you know, I didn't mean for any of this to happen… I was just trying to say…"

Kikyo stared back at him as he seemed to fight himself mentally, searching for the words. A hint of annoyance, disgust, and finally, hidden wonder crossed the priestess's face as he stepped forward, his face nearly touching her's.

"Forgive me, but I… love you."

Before she could pull away, Naraku moved in. Kikyo stood frozen, eyes wide as his lips touched hers softly. Trembling with what she hoped deep down was anger, she tried to pull away, but Naraku held her fast. In defeat, Kikyo allowed her eyes to ease close. Then, Naraku's own eyes fluttered open, and he drew away from her.

They stood looking at one another, Naraku with a question in his eyes, Kikyo with shock in her own. She lifted one hand to her lips, then teared up in rage.

"Naraku, you bastard!" she screamed, face reddening. How dare he take advantage of her and force a kiss! "Just, go.. go screw yourself!" she forced out, lunging forward. Before he could react, Kikyo balled her fist and socked him mercilessly in the cheekbone. Naraku had long past the point of getting left off with a ladylike slap.

With an "oomph!" Naraku sailed back, hitting into the dough and sinking. He swam up, trying to rise but slipping in again as he called after her.

"No, Kikyo, wait! I-I can get those dough stains out! I promise! I've done it before, and I can do it again! And the cake too! I'll, I'll bake you another one! It doesn't even have to be Huguenot Torte Ozark Pudding Cake!"

Kikyo marched off, snuffling as she wiped one arm across her tear-streaked face. Turning a deaf ear to Naraku's cries, she made for the surrounding forest. Her soul collectors weaved down, surrounding her sympathetically. Without looking back, Kikyo stomped off into the darkness. The priestess had, quite frankly, taken enough shit from half-demons that day.

With a dismal groan, Naraku slumped down into the dough. He sat staring aimlessly for a minute, wondering where he went wrong, when Kagura poked her head up beside him.

"Uuuuuuuuurgh…. Whuh happened?" the wind witch slurred, digging herself out sluggishly. She sat up, looking distastefully at the sticky destruction around her. "Huh, looks like I missed all thuh action." She grumbled, running fingers through her tangled hair. "Whut a hangover…"

Ignoring his servant as she eyed her empty sake bottle sadly, Naraku stared off into the sky.

"Well, looks like it's another day," he remarked wistfully, blinking at the sun. It was hard to think so much had happened in just one day of his life. "Ya know, maybe I learned something from all this." Another pause.

"Say, Kagura," he continued, at length, "maybe I wasn't meant to be a chef after all."

"No kiddin,'" Kagura returned snarkily, shaking her bottle and watching the last drop slip out.

"No… maybe, I was meant to be something else," Naraku continued, standing up. "I've been blind to it all along. I see clearly now. My calling… perhaps I am meant to be a dancer!" He struck an awkward pirouette. Kagura gave him a disapproving look. "Okay, maybe not a ballet dancer. After all, I hate those tights… always showing off the men's tushes in such a vulgar manner." He thought for a moment. "Say, Kagura, would you like to get up and do the tango with me?"

"…Naraku, why don't you just give up and go back to what you do best? Like, collecting Shikon Shards? Or plotting random people's demises? Or designing fashionable baboon wear?" Kagura looked at him incredulously, wondering how her master could have come so far from his old scheming self.

"No, Inu-Yasha and his friends made off with the jewel," Naraku dismissed. "But really, now that I think of it, becoming a bee-keeper sounds like a fun hobby… We could always have honey with our toast on hand, every morning! Or a unicyclist! I hear it's an attractive hobby with the ladies, you know," he boasted. Kagura rested her head on plank, turning away as her hangover raged.

"Just… just shut up, Naraku," she groaned. And leaving her master to contemplate the opportunities of the coming day, Kagura fell to sleep.

The End

Authoress's Notes: ….Whew! Quite a long chapter! Combined with the last one, it was20 pages, at least. But I wanted to end it here. As you could probably tell, this chapter was a bit more, "extreme" in many respects. But from the beginning this parody was designed to start out vaguely sane and become a chaotic mess by the end, so I suppose I achieved my goal.

Anyway, this was very fun to write, and I would like to write more fanfiction in the future. But I have a lot of original fiction I have to get back to at the moment, so that'd be a while from now. If I did write again, it'd be to practice with different genres (if you couldn't tell, this was my first experiment with written comedy) such as romance, drama, horror, ect. Though I'd like to do some sort of sequel to this, maybe featuring the Naraku-gang characters from later in the series, such as Hakudoushi, Moryoumaru, Akago, Byakuya… Argh, I'm getting ideas for it already!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little side-project of mine. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing my work, you guys are the best. :)