Title: When Bad Spells Get Worse, And Then Better
Summary: A prank goes very wrong for Sirius. And even worse for Remus.
Notes: This whole fic came about after I did a sketch and decided it needed a history. The drawing can be found in my LJ. (Link in my bio.)
When Bad Spells Get Worse, And Then Better
As a werewolf, Remus Lupin had seen a great many wild and wondrous beasts on his trips around the world in search of a cure. As a student of Hogwarts, he had seen all sorts of unimaginable feats being performed with magic. And as a Marauder and close friend of James Potter and Sirius Black, he had seen everything in between.
Or so he thought.
Nothing he had ever seen in his travels or his time at Hogwarts or even his pranks with the Marauders could ever have prepared him for what was currently staring him in the face.
"Bloody hell – Sirius?"
"We were thinking of 'Siriette', actually," James snickered, and beside him, Peter laughed riotously.
The person – Sirius – in front of Remus scowled and flipped a finger at James. "Bugger off, Potter."
James simply howled with more laughter. "Watch it, Siriette, it's not proper for -"
Seeing where this was headed – and it was headed Somewhere Very Bad, a place possibly involving Remus' books getting turned into ammunition - Remus tried to exert his well-maintained posterity. "James, don't taunt – er, him. Sirius, calm down, and please explain to me how this all happened?"
James and Peter continued to chortle in their corner, but restrained themselves from insulting Sirius. Sirius gave them a glare then settled next to Remus on his bed, pushing aside Remus' Advanced Charms text. Remus tried not to look directly at Sirius; it was rather disconcerting.
"Well, do you remember when we staged the Prank-Off with the Slytherins?" Sirius began, and Remus nodded, not at all liking where this was going. Of course, he had visible proof of where it had thus far ended, which probably made things worse.
"You are, of course, referring to, The Worst Idea That You Have Ever Put Forth And I Refused To Have Any Part Thereof?"
Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Uh – yeah. That. I might be beginning to see your point on that."
"I'd bloody well think so," Remus narrowed his eyes.
"Anyway," Sirius continued, "If you recall, we kicked it off with a rather spectacular Slytherin-wide make-over."
"You mean when you gave them all green and silver boils," Remus corrected.
"One of our finest hours," James murmured proudly, and Remus shot him a glare. "Well, it was. Did you know how hard it was to tweak those spells – even Flitwick told me, off the record, that he was impressed."
"Too bad McGonagall heard him," Peter mused, and all of them bowed their head for a second.
"Okay, back to the story. The Slytherins retaliated with a rather feeble attempt at poisoning all of us -"
"Frank and Lily both ended up in the Hospital Wing for two weeks," Remus reminded them.
"Yes, and because he felt the need to defend the fair Ms Evans' honour, James devised a most spectacular prank in which all of their things Transfigured into animate objects when touched – excellent work, mate," Sirius nodded to James, temporarily forgiving him. James bowed his head.
"And seeing as how that was just three days ago, I can safely assume that your current condition is part of their latest assault?" Remus guessed, and Sirius beamed.
"Knew you'd get it, Moony. However, our problem remains in that when I bravely sacrificed myself for Gryffindor -"
"When you blindly walked into their trap," Remus translated.
"- what was meant for our whole year was all used on me," Sirius explained.
"Ah," Remus sighed. "And while the original dose was meant to last for -?"
"A day," filled in James.
"There are at least thirty of us, which means that Paddy here is stuck this way…"
"For a month," Peter nodded.
"I will assume that you have been to see McGonagall and Dumbledore already," Remus continued. "And since you have not been returned to your usual form, I will also assume they could not – or would not – cure you. Which means that you are now seeking my help."
"He truly is brilliant, our Moony is," Sirius said in awe. "So what do you say? Can you help?"
"Sirius, seeing as how one of the greatest wizards of our time could not, what makes you believe that I, in fact, could?"
"…Because you like books?" Sirius guessed. "You spend all your time practically snogging them – and that's okay, I just thought maybe you could, um, snog some different books. Useful ones."
Remus eyed him critically. "Sirius, in all my time of – book snogging, as you so charmingly put it – I don't think I have ever come across a way of turning a man who has been turned into a woman back into – well, a man."
Sirius slumped, crossing his arms over his now ample bosom. "You're joking! I'm stuck with these?"
"It's not that bad, mate," James leered. "You have a decent rack. Between a B and C, I'd say."
Sirius gestured at him rudely, then turned to look at Remus pitifully. "Could you try, Moony, please? McGonagall isn't going to let me stay with the girls, says she knows I'm still a bloke."
"And she's alright with the other boys around you?" Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise.
Sirius shrugged. "Said anyone who could give an entire house colourful boils could fend for his or herself."
"Well, she has a point there," Remus murmured. "Alright then, since I don't particularly fancy seeing you this way for a month, I'll try my best to find some new books – note the word try -" He was cut off by an enthusiastic Sirius crushing him in a hug, where he couldn't help but noticed something – a couple of somethings. He cleared his throat. "Um, Sirius, have you spoken to McGonagall about – brassiere?"
Sirius looked down and cupped his breasts in his hands, making Peter and James whistle. "Well, I was sort of hoping I wouldn't really need to get those yet -"
Remus cast a look over at the other boys and cut him off. "Trust me, you're going to need them."
"Remus!" Sirius' voice reached him a second before his hands did, and Remus found himself being hauled into their bathroom. He barely had time to react as Sirius slammed the door in James and Peter's faces and cast a Locking Charm. Gesturing to his chest, he exclaimed, "Remus, I – I got them!"
Remus blinked. "You had those before you left."
"No, I meant - oh bugger, I forgot I haven't put it on, here, wait a second -" Sirius fumbled around in his robes and emerged victorious with the most awful, pink lace-and-ribbons-adorned bra. Remus cringed.
"I don't blame you for not wearing it," he said.
Sirius shrugged and waved his wand at it, and it immediately turned into a sleek red satin bra. "Evans picked it out. I think she was taking revenge on me."
"James'll kill you when he hears you were discussing lingerie with Lily – Sirius, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Remus yelped.
Sirius paused, looking up from where he was unbuttoning his shirt, exposing a very impressive cleavage. "I was going to put it on."
"I can see that. But in case you've forgotten, Pads, you don't have the same – parts. You can't just go around stripping like you usually do. You'll have just about all the boys in Gryffindor attacking you in a minute!"
"But not all the boys," Sirius said meaningfully, and continued to undress while Remus averted his eyes. "See, you're not even going to try and look. Didn't you wonder why I dragged you in here?"
"It did cross my mind to question why I was the one chosen to bear witness to the very first episode of 'Sirius Wears A Bra', yes," Remus said wryly, focusing on a crack in the tile on the ceiling. "Although if you count that time in fourth year -"
"And we don't," Sirius growled.
"Fine. Then its still your first time. Aren't you done yet?"
"No, I need your help. I don't really know how to hook this damn thing -"
"Sirius Black, I know that you're not asking me to put your bra on for you."
"Didn't Lily teach you this part?" Remus moaned.
"She couldn't stop giggling long enough," grumbled Sirius.
"How did you get it on the last time – the time that doesn't exist anymore?"
"Well, back then I could put it on back-to-front and turn it. Not an option anymore," Sirius pointed out, as he struggled to twist his arms behind him. "Bloody Merlin's balls, I'm not double-jointed! How the hell am I supposed to do this – Remus, you have to help, please -"
"Oh, for God's sake. Okay, fine then. Just - keep your back to me, I don't want to have to see – things." Remus sighed as he took the ends of Sirius' bra and hooked them together.
Sirius turned around when he was done, adjusting the fit absently. "Thanks, mate! How do they look?"
"Like breasts," Remus replied dryly, sitting down on the toilet lid. "In a bra. What do you expect me to say, Pads? If you want to be leered at, open the door and ask James or Peter."
"You know, if I weren't so bloody grateful to you, I'd say you were queer, mate." Sirius commented. "I mean, from a purely objective point of view, I'm hot stuff! Don't you find me attractive at all?" He gestured to himself.
Remus looked at him properly. He really was very attractive – it was as if his handsome looks had just been effeminised very successfully. His dark wavy hair was longer, and so were his eyelashes. He had a softer jaw line and softer-looking lips. And then, of course, were his B-or-C cup breasts, flat stomach and flaring hips. Every other guy who had seen Sirius so far had gotten whiplash from checking him out.
But Remus – Remus was locked in a bathroom with a half-naked girl-Sirius, and he was desperate to get away.
"Remus? Remus? Moony!" Sirius had leaned over, and was trying to get his attention, looking at him anxiously. At the angle he was in, his cleavage was displayed perfectly, but Remus paid no attention to it. In fact, he was almost actively ignoring it, wishing it was Sirius' usual broad, flat chest instead.
Bloody hell, I think I am queer. Remus felt an insane urge to laugh, and instead looked at Sirius, attempting to smother his hysteria. "I'm fine, Padfoot."
Sirius blinked doubtfully. "If you say so."
"I am," affirmed Remus. "Just…get dressed, and lets get out. You can torment James with how you went lingerie shopping with Lily, and I can get started on turning you back the way you were."
"Remus," Sirius whined, slumping at the table. "Re-mus. Moony. Moonymoonymoonymoo -"
"You know, that isn't really going to make me function any better," Remus glared. Sirius pouted.
"But its been two weeks. Do you have any idea what it's like? All the boys staring at me all the time, trying to catch me off guard to cop a feel? It's degrading, Remus." Much to his horror – and Remus' – Sirius had began to choke on the words and the sting of tears rose in his eyes.
"Sirius, are you – um, don't you think you're overreacting?" Remus asked anxiously.
The tears welled up further. "I'm not! How can you say that, Remus? I thought you would understand, but -"
Remus' eyes widened in fear. "Oh god. Uh - please don't cry. I'm sorry – I was being thoughtless?"
"Yes you were." Sirius sniffled. "But I know you didn't mean it, right?"
"Right! Too right. I was just preoccupied with my book, trying to help you, I'm sorry -" Remus babbled.
"Do you have any chocolate on you? I could really use some right now," Sirius interrupted him, already trawling through his satchel. "Oh, good, you do!" Beaming, with only faintly red-rimmed eyes, Sirius happily munched on the chocolate.
Relieved at the averted crisis, Remus returned to his book, when a thought suddenly struck him. "Um, Sirius -"
"Don't get upset now, but – did you happen to notice how you were behaving?" Remus asked hesitantly.
"How I was – what do you mean?" Sirius narrowed his eyes.
"Er- have more chocolate, first." Remus scooted back a little, and suddenly caught sight of Lily entering the library. He waved her over desperately. "Lily, hey, good to see you – I really need your help."
"What's up?" Lily asked, looking back and forth between him and Sirius. "You know, you're really not supposed to eat in the library."
"But it's chocolate," Sirius said, as if it explained everything.
Lily blinked. "Um – yes. But you're not supposed to eat it here. Remus, I know you don't like to dock points off your mates, but honestly, you cant just -"
"Leave him alone!" Sirius cried. "What did he do to you? What have either of us done? Why don't you just go?"
Remus rubbed his temple tiredly. "Sirius, calm down."
"Oh, so that's what I get for helping you? Fine then, see if I'm around the next time! You're such an ungrateful bastard, Remus -" Sirius was beginning to get teary again, but luckily for Remus, Lily stepped in.
"Sirius, it's okay. He didn't mean it – he was just being a bloke, you know how they get," she soothed, in a tone of voice she had never taken with Sirius before. Sirius sniffed, but nodded. "I'm sorry I yelled too. Why don't you have a bit more chocolate, but make sure Madame Pince doesn't see, okay?"
As Sirius settled down, Remus turned to Lily gratefully. "God, Lily, you're a lifesaver, thank you."
"Has he been acting that way a lot recently?" she asked, frowning.
"Like you wouldn't believe. And he refuses to spend time with any of the other boys, because – and I quote – 'they're all a bunch of shallow pigs'. So I get the fun job of taming his tantrums."
"Um, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think it's just tantrums," Lily said wryly.
Remus groaned. "I was afraid of something like that. It explains why he's depleting my entire stock of Honeydukes."
"You're a wise man to keep them with you at all times," Lily smiled approvingly. "Anyway, it's been, what, two weeks since Sirius became a girl?" When Remus nodded, she twisted her mouth and began muttering to herself. "Well, I suppose you don't have to worry about it right now, but still, the way he's acting, it cant be more than a week away -"
"Um, Lily?" Remus cut in. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
She looked at him gravely. "I'm afraid I am."
Remus dropped his head to the table. "Bloody buggering hell."
"Wha's'a'matter?" Sirius piped up, still munching on a chocolate bar.
Lily looked pityingly at Remus. "I'll tell him." She turned to Sirius. "Um, Sirius, you know what we girls go through, right?"
"Too right I do," Sirius said indignantly. "The boys here are such -"
"I meant – our monthly problem?"
"Oh! Remus has those too, but it's not the same – buggering Merlin's crotch, you have got to be joking!" Sirius leapt out of his seat in a panic. "You're not saying that I – I'm not going to – oh bloody balls -"
"Bloody something," muttered Remus darkly.
"Sirius, calm down. It's not that bad, look – if it happens, just come look for me -"
Sirius was clutching at his hair. "No! I mean – no! Thanks, Ev – Lily, but – Remus! You have to turn me back!" He whirled upon Remus desperately. "You have to – I cant – oh, bugger -"
Lily gently began to steer him out of the library as Madame Pince came stalking around some stacks. "I'll keep her – him - out of your hair for a while," she whispered. "Come on, Sirius, we need to have another of our little lessons…"
Remus spent the next hour frantically burrowing himself in stacks of books, desperately hoping for a miracle. It was only when, in a moment of exasperation, he had flung out his arm and toppled the precariously wobbling tower by his side – garnering himself more injuries, as if he didn't have enough of those already – that he finally decided enough was enough.
Remus Lupin was man enough to admit – he wasn't the man for the job.
So he went to the person who was.
"Professor McGonagall, please. You have no idea what its like – actually, you probably do, he's on the verge of crying every other minute, and he needs chocolate like air, it's just – please, Professor, if you have any pity in your heart for me at all -"
McGonagall looked down her sharp nose at Remus, who was babbling inanely. "Mr. Lupin, calm down, please. I'm trying my best to understand you, but it's rather difficult when you're hyperventilating."
Remus inhaled so sharply he choked and sputtered. McGonagall started, and moved to help him, but Remus waved a hand to show he was alright and wheezed out, "Sirius. You have to help change him back. Please. Please."
"While I would like to help, Mr. Lupin, I cannot -"
"But I know you can! You're the Transfiguration Mistress! And Head of Gryffindor, and -" Remus pleaded desperately. "For pity's sake, Professor, in a couple of days, I'm not going to be the only boy with a monthly problem!"
McGonagall arched an eyebrow. "Are you implying, Mr. Lupin, that Mr. Black is going to turn into a werewolf? Because I can assure you, while you might consider females to be rather vicious at times -"
"No, no!" Remus shook his head. "I meant, the other monthly problem."
"What, menstruation?" McGonagall seemed confused for a while, then understanding dawned on her face. "Oh! Oh. Oh, of course."
"Yes," Remus practically sobbed. "He's showing all the symptoms of it, even Lily's having a hard time trying to keep him from crying at every little thing -"
She seemed to soften a little. "As much as I wish to help, you must understand, Remus – Sirius is being punished for his actions."
"But don't you understand, Professor? I'm suffering too – Sirius refuses to deal with James or Peter or any of the other boys, I'm the only one he'll talk to – and when he cries I have to deal with it, and when he throws a fit I get the worst of it -" Remus paused suddenly. "Unless this is actually a punishment for me? Have I done something? I couldn't possibly have done anything to deserve this, I'm sure of it -"
"Mr. Lupin, you're babbling again," McGonagall told him. She sighed. "No, Remus, you are certainly not being punished – not intentionally, anyhow. Very well. I will speak with the Headmaster and we will see what we can do about this matter. Is that alright?"
"Oh, yes, yes, that's brilliant, thank you so much, Professor. I swear I'll study harder, and -" Remus heaved a sigh of immense relief.
McGonagall smiled at him fondly. "Actually, Remus, if you want to repay me, you could actually spend a little more time having fun. Get out in the sun a bit more, too – you're looking a bit pale these days."
"It's all the time I've spent in the library looking for a way to cure Sirius," Remus admitted.
"And the bruises?"
Remus paused, flushing. "Um, some of the books…" He made a vague, flailing gesture with his hands.
"But of course," McGonagall nodded, as though having books toppling all over oneself wasn't an unusual occurrence.
(Which it actually wasn't, when it came to Remus. There had been a total of fourteen incidences, ranging from the mundane and accidental, like today's, to the improbable and downright odd, like the time James had cast a spell wrongly and all the books in the Ancient History section had developed crushes on Remus. Remus had not spoken to James for three weeks after that incident.)
"I really wanted to find a cure. Sirius is driving me insane."
"I'd expect nothing less of Mr. Black." McGonagall paused, as if a thought had occurred to her. "Ah, Remus, if you don't mind me asking, why exactly is it that Sirius refuses to talk to any of the other boys besides you?"
Remus hesitated. "Well, I think it's because I'm the only one who hasn't tried to make a move on him. The other boys – they rather, er - enjoy having a girl around."
He left out the fact that he was doubting his sexuality, as was Sirius.
McGonagall rolled her eyes. "I thought so. Well, thirty points to Gryffindor for being a consummate gentleman, Mr. Lupin. I'll certainly see if I can talk to the Headmaster." She nodded at him as a dismissal.
"Thank you," Remus gushed, as he backed out of her office. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me, honestly -"
When he accidentally backed into her bookshelf and caused the massive tome that was Advanced Tranfigurations to render him unconscious, he was still smiling in relief.
"I don't know how you do it, Moony Moon," Sirius grinned toothily, hovering over Remus' head, and thus looking terrifyingly large from Remus' point of view. "You had to put up with me, got attacked by books and knocked unconscious – and you still managed to get me cured! How am I ever going to repay you?"
Remus shut his eyes against the other boy's face looming over his. "By shutting up and leaving me alone for a month," he grumbled.
Sirius looked wounded. "Aw, you can't mean that! You love me!"
"I most certainly do not!" Remus jerked up, smacking his head into Sirius' nose.
"Ow!" Sirius yelped, grabbing his nose. "Whad'ya'do'at'for?"
Remus gaped, feeling rather flobberworm-like. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean – I just – you said – I – oh god, I'm going to be sick -" He stumbled out of his bed and hurried into the bathroom. Loud retching noises were heard soon after.
Sirius, gently cradling his nose, made his way to the bathroom. "Mooby? You alride, made?"
"I- I'm fine, Sibius – I mean, Sirius." Remus smothered a wave of hysteria. "Just, oh god. Sorry about your nose."
Sirius waved it off. "I'd radher hab a broken nobe than tids."
Remus shrugged his acquiescence, but pointed his wand at Sirius' nose and muttered an incantation. "You don't have to have either, really."
"Bloody hell, Remus!" Sirius stared at him in amazement. "You really can do everything. Merlin, I could kiss you right now." He didn't notice Remus' sudden wild-eyed look as he leaned forward and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on Remus' cheek.
"Aah!" Remus yelped, scrambling against the wall behind him.
Sirius jumped back. "What the hell, Moony?"
Remus stared at him. "I – nothing. It's nothing. I just – I think – oh god, nothing."
"Are you sure the books didn't hurt you permanently this time?" Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You're acting awfully strange."
"I am not!" Remus snapped.
Sirius arched an eyebrow. "Yeah, cause you've always been jumpy and irritable – well, okay, sometimes, but -"
"That's not -" Remus began to protest, but it faded away under Sirius' sceptical look. "Alright, yes, but I have a reason for being that way, I'm one of the few males whose moods are tied to a lunar cycle, in case you've forgotten," he reminded his friend, a scowl tugging at his features.
Sirius immediately looked abashed. "Right, well, that's okay," he mumbled, then brightened up. "But don't feel too bad. After all, now, I'm possibly the only male who has had PMS, and I'm perfectly alright!"
Remus narrowed his eyes. "I suspect that's only physically," he grumbled.
"Oh, Moony, Moony, you do wound me with your words," Sirius shook his head gravely. "If it weren't for your handsome looks and charming ways, I would not have anything to do with you at all."
"Funny, I think that all the time."
Sirius was nonplussed. "Do you mean me, old chap?" he feigned shock, then stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I am handsome and charming, so that's not really a surprise, is it?" He struck a pose, thrusting his chest forward and throwing his chin up haughtily. "Why, my excellently, perfectly chiselled features alone are worth suffering through years of heartache and pain."
"And how." Remus said dryly. "Definitely years of heartache and pain."
"I sense mockery, Moony." Sirius clutched a fist to his heart dramatically. "Alas! The things the beautiful have to suffer!"
"What, mockery? Me? No, no, surely I could never mock one as refined and delicately featured as you," Remus recited flatly, gesturing to Sirius, who preened.
"I do have rather exquisite bone structure, don't I? The only redeeming point of being a Black," he mused, leaning back to examine his reflection in the mirrored wall. Remus couldn't help but do the same, staring almost shamelessly at Sirius. Unfortunately, just as he was being mesmerized by the sight of Sirius licking his lips, Sirius turned back to face him and caught him in the act, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
He immediately blushed bright red, and began to stammer out an explanation. "I – er, that is -"
Sirius smiled easily, as if nothing unusual had happened. "There's no harm in admiring, Moony. I know I'm irresistible."
Relieved at the reprieve, Remus sighed and continued to play along. "You are, and I wonder every day how I could be so fortunate as to know you."
"You shouldn't put yourself down, Moony, you have plenty of redeeming features. I mean, sure, the book snogging is kind of weird – but I'm sure you could find a real person to snog, if you tried."
"Yes, I'm sure there are just thousands of people who are dying to get in the pants of a bibliophilic werewolf," Remus rolled his eyes. "I think I'm better off with my books, thanks."
"Well, maybe not thousands," Sirius said agreeably, grinning charmingly when Remus glowered. "But hundreds, possibly." He cocked his head and scrutinised Remus. "You're quite the strapping lad, after all."
"Oh, I bet, with my greying hair, and werewolfy eyes, and what you have so often referred to as my scrawny body. I'm quite the catch." Remus scowled, feeling distinctly unattractive, a feeling made much worse as he looked into the handsome, smiling face of his best friend. "Leave it, Sirius. I know I'm not as good looking as you, no need to rub it in."
Sirius blinked in surprise, a look of hurt crossing his features. "I wasn't trying to – wait, you don't think you're gorgeous?"
Remus snorted. "I've looked into mirrors." When Sirius' response was to simply stare at him in silence, he shifted uncomfortably. "Leave it, Sirius," he said again, a pleading note to his voice.
His friend did no such thing, cocking his head and squinting slightly. "Your hair is cool, Moony. Like moonlight. And your eyes – when they glow -" Sirius paused, looking contemplative as he moved to look Remus square in the eye. "You're beautiful, Remus," he said softly, holding the other boy's gaze to show his sincerity.
Remus felt his breath catch in his throat and his heart speed up, as Sirius' piercing eyes bore into his. "You don't mean that," he whispered, although he really, really, really hoped that Sirius did.
Sirius looked at him intently, cautiously shifting towards Remus, whose heart was starting a round of mad palpitations. "You're still scrawny, mind you," he teased, breaking into a grin, then sobering up. "But I do mean it. You are beautiful."
And then, as Remus' heart threatened to throw him into a full-on coronary, Sirius closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Remus'.
It was at this precise moment, of course, that James and Peter tumbled into the bathroom.
"Remus?" Sirius' voice was hesitant.
"G'way," Remus replied, sounding extremely muffled due to the pillow that his face was currently buried in.
"Aw, come on, Moony," James said apologetically. "We're sorry."
"Leave m'lone't'die," Remus insisted. He reached behind him for his covers and dragged it over the back of his head. There was a gentle but firm tug, and Remus felt the blanket slip back down his head. Still face-down on his bed, he scrambled to keep it where it was.
Sirius pulled it off again, and tried to pry Remus away from his pillow. "Moony, it's okay."
"Nyfrrgh," Remus growled, and contented himself with folding the sides of his pillow over his ears.
"Remus -" Peter began nervously.
"WHAT?" Remus finally snapped, and sat up abruptly, flinging his pillow furiously away from him, his hair mussed up, his face flushed and crease-marked, and his eyes glowing gold. Peter carefully stepped back, and James let out an 'oof' as the pillow hit him in the gut. Only Sirius remained where he was, perched on Remus' bed.
"Look, even if you're as flaming queer as Gilderoy Lockhart, you don't have to ponce around and be as whiny and dramatic as he is," James rolled his eyes. "It could get tiring."
"What - you – I – you think I'm queer?" Remus sputtered.
"Well – yeah," James shrugged. "Aren't you?"
"I -" Remus paused. "Possibly. Does that bother you?"
"Why would it?" Peter asked, scratching his head anxiously. "I mean, unless you're watching me when I shower – and I doubt you'd do that – I doubt anyone would – it doesn't bother me."
"And I wouldn't blame you one bit if you watched me in the shower," James grinned. "What with my body of a Greek god and all that."
Remus snorted, then looked uncertainly at Sirius. "And you, Pads?"
Sirius looked him straight in the eye. "No," he said softly. "It doesn't bother me at all."
"Why should it?" Peter asked, puzzled. "He fancies you, after all – oh bugger, was I not suppose to say that?" he winced, as James smacked a hand to his forehead and Sirius shot him a death glare.
"Thank you very much, Pete, and no, you weren't suppose to say that," Sirius growled.
"Come on, Wormtail. We'll just stand over here now," James said, crossing the room.
Remus was eyeing Sirius cautiously. "Is that true, Sirius?"
Sirius hesitated. "Are you mad at me?"
"For how long?"
"Too long," James groaned from across the room. "He never shut up -"
"A little while now," Sirius cut him off, blushing slightly.
Remus continued to stare at him. "So, you - you fancy boys too?"
"Well, I fancy you," Sirius said slowly. "And you're a boy. So I guess I do. I don't really know about other boys, though. Don't fancy anyone else."
"Oh," Remus managed. It was all he could manage, and he thought it rather impressive, all in all.
"And you?" Sirius asked, sounding very anxious. "Do you – d'you fancy me?"
Remus blinked at him. "Oh," he said again. "I – I do. Fancy you, that is -"
He was stammering, but that was okay, because he wouldn't have been able to get any more words out anyway. What with Sirius' mouth suddenly affixed to his.
And the moment was, once again, ruined by James and Peter, as they let out a cheer.
Sirius let out a growl. "Merlin's blue balls, what are you two? Voyeuristic? Get out and leave us to snog already! I didn't put myself through hell for two weeks just so you wankers could keep interrupting!"
"Alright, alright," James placated. "Although I'd have thought you'd really be feeling a lot -"
"Gone!" James and Peter hurried out the door and closed it behind them.
Sirius let out a huff and turned back to Remus. "Finally. Now, where were we? Oh, I know -" He leaned forward.
"Hell for two weeks?" Remus repeated, and Sirius blinked, looking confused.
"You said just now, you put yourself through hell -" Remus wrinkled his brow. "Are you talking about being a girl?"
Sirius flushed. "Oh. Right. Yeah…"
Remus narrowed his eyes. "I thought it was a Slytherin prank."
"Oh, they wish they could think of something like that. No, its something James and I came up with." Under Remus' questioning gaze, Sirius squirmed slightly. "I wanted to see if you would react better to me as a girl, in case you were straight, so I – you know – but thank Merlin you're not, because it was awful being so hormonal and not having the right bits and all."
"I see," Remus paused. "And what would you have done if I were straight, and had been attracted to you as a girl? With girl bits?"
"Died, maybe." Sirius shrugged. "I guess I figured I would just try and convince you that I wasn't that different."
"You'd have tried to convince me to like your boy bits instead?" Remus asked, amused.
"This is why I always have to revise your plans," Remus shook his head fondly. "Well, lucky for you this time, Sirius Black, that I happen to already like your boy bits. And you."
Sirius smiled brilliantly, leaning forward again. "In that order?"
Remus ran a hand through Sirius hair and gently pulled him closer. "No," he murmured against Sirius' lips. "You always come first."