Disclaimer: I am aware of the fact that I'm not J.K. Rowling, and that I don't own any of her characters. The other characters, places, and events are figments of my imagination running wild (very dangerous). I am reposting this as I haven't finished the story and it's been several months since I've updated a new chapter.
How Often Will I Update: Once a week, Wednesday. Now, this is my goal. It does not necessarily mean that it will be for sure. I have school after all, and occasionally I suffer from bouts of writers block.
Note: This had originally been a songfic including several songs. It's corny, I'm dropping it. However… I will at the beginning of each chapter post the name and artist of the song, as I am a true believer in the fact that it puts you in the mood for the chapter.
Summary: Lily and James have broken up. Basically, this involves flashbacks of their "happier" times together. In the end, they do get together of course. Duh. I'm a true romantic at heart. I am undecided as to the rating at this moment, but I'll go with R, just because I always seem to include smut… Uh, the first chapters are very depressing but yeah. Everything gets better. Happy reading!
Song: "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne
By Natali K. A.
Lily Evans dropped to her knees, the tears already coming. Had it really only been a week since it had ended? Really? All that pain, and only a week to the day?
She stared down at her hands. Then at her left ring finger, now bare. She'd been so close. So close to total and utter happiness. The tears she shed burned her eyes and cheeks, her hands as they fell from her pretty face. A face that had once been all smiles. Him. All because of him.
She raised her head to stare off into the distance. Even though her vision was blurred, she could still see the spot where he'd kissed her for the very first time ever. It was so long ago, she thought, shaking her head as she sobbed harder. Here, in the middle of English countryside, she could be alone. And get over it.
Or at least she'd try. It wasn't looking too good for her. And how could it possibly? She had lost her other half. It was like trying to eat frozen yogurt after you'd had real ice cream. It just wasn't the same.
Lily shut her bright, green eyes as tightly as she could. She would die of heartache. She was sure of it. How could she ever go on living? She'd always thought girls who would cry and cry when they broke up with some bloke were so stupid and dramatic. There was absolutely no reason to be so histrionic about it all.
She'd been so, so wrong.
"I love you, James," she whispered, opening her eyes once more. This time hatred filled her every inch, consumed every thought, took over her senses. "But I hate you even more." To hell with it all.
"Please, James! Don't do this to me. Talk to me. James, don't do this..."
She felt dead. Oh, sure, she was breathing, her heart and brain were working. No, she was very much alive. She would have preferred death. Perhaps instead of praying that the pain would dissipate she should be praying for death.
Was it something I did?
Lily laughed out loud, humorlessly and sarcastically. How many times had that thought run through her mind?
"I don't want to marry you, Lily."
She couldn't believe at first. For that matter, she still didn't. Certainly he might have had cold feet, but would he really have broken up with her because of that? He still loved her. He had to. There wasn't any way that he couldn't love her. A love like that didn't just disintegrate…
She'd fall soon. And never be able to get back up... But Lily was fighting. She was a fighter. Always had been. Even when her mum had died of breast cancer during her first year at Hogwarts. Her own roommates hadn't known until years later, when Lily had broken down.
How could he have hurt me like this?
She sobbed again and fell to the floor, wishing she had the courage to take her own life. There was just no fixing it. Never.
It struck home. Poor, pathetic, orphaned Lily Evans had been naïve enough to believe she'd be happy, that she'd found her home, that she'd be Lily Potter.
I'm a twit, she thought. What an idiot. There is no such thing as love. Not anymore.
"Please, God," she cried, looking up into the heavens. "I need You. You're all that's left. Please, my God. Please!" She cried those words into the ground, watering it with her tears. It was cold and she was shivering, but she didn't care. How long would it take to die of hypothermia? "I hate you, Potter," she whispered.
Her own words stung her. How long had it been since she'd called him 'Potter'? She looked at her surroundings.
Since that night, three years ago, when he'd taken her from her home.
And kissed her. Danced with her.
And she had fallen in love with him.
And it no longer meant anything. It was over. For good. He'd said so himself...
"Lily, I mean it. I don't want to marry you. Now, or ever."
"But I do," she said, voice frighteningly calm. Her tears had ceased as well. "I always will, my love, my James. I fell in love with you here, and I'll never forget you. But I'll damn sure try, you bloody coward. I will!"
Lily had finished for now. Too exhausted to apparate back to the inn, she stood and walked the half-mile, feeling as if her whole world was crumbling down on her.
It probably was, too.
-Later, at an inn-
Lily raised her head to see a grinning woman seated across from her. "What the hell do you want?"
"Now, love," the mysterious woman chuckled. She looked... well, like a gypsy. Sooty eyelashes hung over her eyes as she spoke, and she looked as if she had never aged in her life. She must have been at least fifty. She looked thirty—an old thirty. "What's the matter, love?"
"Listen," Lily sighed, fatigue ripping at her. "I am begging you, madam. I'm so tired of life, of people, of talk. I want to die."
"A man, then?" the weird gypsy lady said knowledgeably. "You shouldn't be so shocked," she said at the look of astonishment on Lily's pale face. "You look the devil."
"Thank you." Lily made a rude gesture with her hand and put her head back down on her arm.
"It's three in the morning, love," the lady said, unfazed. "What you need is someone to talk to."
"What I need," Lily snapped, eyes ablaze, "is for you to fuck off."
The gypsy smiled. It reached all the way up to her charcoal eyes. Lily could feel her mood lifting immediately. Something about her...
"I bet that's the most feeling you've had inside of you for a while," the lady said softly, touching her arm. "Listen to me, lovey. What you need is a strong drink, and you'll be aright."
Lily laughed, her voice dry. "Listen. I'm sorry I was rude. But I've just been denied the happiness that's kept me going for so long. I really have no need or want to drink myself into a drunken stupor."
"Of course." The gypsy woman smiled. Lily could see gold teeth in the back of her toothy grin. "I'm Jocelyn. Jocelyn Morose."
For the first time in a week, Lily almost smiled.
"You are anything but morose, Jocelyn." Lily quickly sobered and sighed heavily. "Lily P—Evans."
"You've been practicing using his name." It wasn't a question. Jocelyn had known it immediately. She watched sympathetically as tears welled up in Lily's gorgeous eyes and she nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry." Lily broke down sobbing. "I-I just hadn't expected him to do it. And-And... it hurts so much!
Jocelyn patted her arm. "Come now, my dear. Pay no mind to him for the time being. I want you to tell me how you two met."
That made Lily smile as she looked back up at the raven-haired beauty. "I hated him," she giggled. "Oh, Jocelyn. He was the most obnoxious, self-centered, hottest hunk on earth. I didn't hate him, per say. I just didn't like him. Actually, we had been friendly to each other. Not friends, mind you, but friendly."
Jocelyn smiled, sipping her ale. "What's his name?"
Jocelyn appeared shocked. "Really, now? James Potter. Black hair, adorable blue eyes, adorable glasses, just adorable?"
Lily nodded. "You know him?"
"I am a fortune-teller," Jocelyn lied. "I know these things."
Lily smiled, but accepted her lie nonetheless. "Well, Jocelyn, it had been in Seventh Year. At Hogwarts. I hadn't made Head Girl, and was thoroughly disappointed, even though it was near October by then. But anyway, my friend, Julie Sanders, she was. Her now-boyfriend, Remus, was Head Boy..."
-Memories from the past…-
Seventeen-year-old Lily Evans snapped her head up. Her loose hair fell about her shoulders. "Yeah?"
"Potter's looking at you, mate," Lynn whispered. "But don't look!"
"Don't be daft, Lynn," Lily laughed, turning her head so that she could see James Potter. He was at the other end of the table, surrounded by a bunch of girls from Gryffindor. He was staring right at her. Potter grinned flirtatiously, nodding his head in greeting. She smiled back and turned back to Lynn and Julie.
"Oh, he was looking at you, Lils," Julie laughed, stuffing her mouth full of potato. "You know how Player Potter is. Look out, you'll be on your back in two minutes."
Lily laughed, shaking her head. "You're off your rocker, Julie. Since when does Potter even want to date—or sleep with—any of the popular crowd?"
Julie's hazel eyes danced. "Since he saw you in that bathing suit last weekend."
"He's not even popular," Brian, the guy on her right, sneered. "The proof is that he eats at the other end of the table."
"Oh, Potter's popular alright," Lily told him, a smile growing slowly on her slightly rosy face. Several of the guys watched to see that infamous smile that had broken so many hearts in seven years' time. "What he is, Brian, is in a class all his own."
"Bull shit," Brian muttered.
"Bullocks, Englewood! You don't think I'm popular?" James Potter said from behind Lily. She turned to grin that smile at him. "I'm offended." He winked at her.
"You flirt!" she laughed. "Sit, Potter. We'll restore your reputation." He obeyed and sat, grinning handsomely.
"I came to pay my respects to the wicked looking girl at the 'better' end of the social table," he said softly. "What are you doing, Evans? This Saturday, I mean. I heard there's a concert off in London. If you're not afraid of breaking about fifty rules, that is."
Lily stared at him as he looked at her over the top of his posh glasses and gently touched her cheek. "You better keep the touching to a minimum if you ever want to have sex again, Potter. Take my word for it." But she smiled anyway. "And I'm not going to decline your invitation because I'm afraid of breaking the rules. Oh, no. I'm going to decline because I've got better things to do than climb into your bed, Potter. The little ones might fall for it, but I'm not a baby anymore."
He only grinned back at her. "I'll see you around, Evans. Later, Clancy, Sanders, Englewood." As he rose, he kissed her forehead and walked off, not looking over his shoulders.
Lily smiled after the fool as he strode back to a grinning Sirius Black, who undoubtedly thought she'd agreed. His walk was confident, purposeful. How the hell did he do it? She turned back to her friends, who were giggling.
"You're fucked out of your mind," Lily laughed, tears sliding out of her emerald eyes. "For heavens' sake! What a player!"
Julie only laughed. "Alright, Lils. And they say that only blondes are dumb?" She ran a hand through her own near-white tresses.
"I agree with Barbie for once," Lynn added.
"No one asked for your opinion, Carolyn," Brian teased.
"Do not call me that!" Lynn hissed.
Lily shook her head as another day at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry ended...
"He sounds charming, Lily," Jocelyn said when Lily paused to gather her breath. "Though it's a wonder he's still on this earth, with his head so big as it was."
"Trust me. You don't know the half of it," Lily laughed. "You know, Jocelyn, I like you."
"I like you too, Miss Lily. How old are you? You can't be but fresh out of school, now," Jocelyn. Really, Lily looked twenty-five at the least, but it was because her eyes were still red and puffy, and she probably hadn't slept very well in the last week.
"It's been two years since I left Hogwarts," Lily sighed, twirling her cup of water. "I'm twenty-one. James is twenty-two now."
"That's awfully young to be engaged."
Lily nodded, wishing she had the energy to order something strong. "I know. But... we had both agreed. He had asked me when he proposed, 'Is it too soon?' Neither of us thought so. We were in love. I still am, but go figure."
Jocelyn nodded. "I'm forty-eight. I know you were wondering. And yes, I'm part gypsy." She laughed heartily. "You were kind enough not to ask."
Lily shrugged. "I don't care. Thank you for listening. You can leave, if you like. I won't bore you anymore." She made to put her head back down.
"Actually, love," Jocelyn said happily, "I've always liked love stories. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love to hear the rest of this one. I've got nowhere to be if you don't."
Lily shook her head. "This story, I should warn you, doesn't have a happy ending. I was robbed."
"Of what, dear?"
Looking straight into Jocelyn's dark eyes, she whispered, "My happy ending."
The tears came against her will.
"Can I ask you something?" Jocelyn asked her minutes later, when she finally stopped. Lily nodded. "Do you think there's only one happy ending for you, love?"
Lily shrugged. "It was the one I want more than anything, Jocelyn. It was the one with my friends, my love, my ch-children." She had stuttered on the word. They'd been planning to have four. Two boys, and two girls. Valerie, Marge, Eric, and Christopher."
"There will be another," the gypsy assured her.
"Not for me. I won't be there. I'm not going to let myself fall in love ever again. Ever."
Jocelyn leaned back, highly doubting that. That's what girls always said—"I'll never fall in love, it's just too painful." Then they found some handsome fellow and the good times were always worth experiencing the bad.
Besides, what was life without a few trials to spice things up?
There was, of course, this interesting little development with Lily. The Lily Evans. Amazing, and what a stroke of luck, really. She couldn't wait to tell her the great news.
A/N: Hello, hello! Yes, here I am once more, to post hopefully on a schedule. Yes, I'm editing while I'm at it, though not all that much quite yet. Review please, I'd love to know your feelings. This is an old story, and so, forgive my crappy writing. Too lazy to rewrite it completely.
For one of the few times in my life, I will not have chapter titles. Really, this story is just too… well, vague for them I think is a good word… Je'taime! Hasta miercoles!
Natali K. A.