Remus writes Sirius a letter that was never meant to be found…SLASH
I probably won't ever send this letter – nope, scratch that, I NEVER will send this letter. But I have to get this off my chest. Of course, writing your deepest, darkest secret down so everyone can read it probably isn't that smart. It's something you would do.
Yes, Sirius, I am calling you stupid.
Well, okay, not stupid just…emotionally retarded. I swear, you have all of the emotions found in a spoon. Possibly less. That's not good, you know.
But back to the point…which I never got around to stating. Yeah. That's smart for you, huh?
Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this letter is currently sleeping to the left of me. You.
Sometimes, on nights like this, I'll lay awake and stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or at you, and just listen to your breathing. Like I'll magically, by the power of the sound of your breath alone, be lifted up off the bed and be flown next to you. But I know that's NEVER going to happen.
Sometimes, on other nights, I'll stare at you. I'd love to do it in daylight, but…it would be rather obvious, wouldn't it? So I confine my curiosity and glances to nighttime, when they can go past glances and become stares, watches. Did you know that the moon can be seen through your window behind your bed?
It falls across you like a silver blanket, and your midnight-black hair glows, your pale skin radiating a silver sheen like a glow of a supernatural, immortal being. I want to feel your hair, your skin – I bet your hair is like silk, and your skin like soft satin to match it. I want to hold you close at night and feel your heart beating against my chest, telling me I'm not alone.
Because I do feel so alone, sometimes, Pads. Except for when you're around. D'you know that you're the only one of all the Marauders that actually knows where I am at any given moment during the school day off the top of your head? The only one out of the school, probably.
And I'm grateful for that. Eternally grateful.
I'm grateful for the day you came into my compartment on the Hogwarts express seven years ago and just sat there and looked at me till I introduced myself.
I'm grateful because you stood by me even when the others found out about me…both times.
I'm grateful for the laughter you put in my life, Siri. All the times on the Quidditch pitch, in the Great Hall, outside – everywhere.
And most of all, I'm grateful that you're my friend.
Which is why I'm burning this letter.
I think what I feel for you is beyond friendship, beyond brotherly love. I think what I'm feeling for you, Padfoot, Sirius, is love. And the vastness, the fierceness, the sweetness of it scares me. It's so sweet – but I know that it can hurt. I know that too well.
And that is why you shall never find out about this. Because I value you too much. Because when you're not around, I'm sad. Because if you hated me, I'd fall apart. Because if you turned me down, my heart would break.
So I'll never tell you because I'm afraid. My cowardice is finally paying off, it would seem. Now my fear will keep me silent, choke my throat dry of the deadly words, and keep our friendship safe. And that's what I'm also grateful for.
So…g'night, Padfoot. I love you.
Remus looked back down at the letter. True. Every word of it, true. He stood up and left his bed, slipping out of the door and down the stairs into the common room.
The fire had burned low; cursing his stupidity, Remus realized his wand was on the upstairs cabinet. Oh well. He'd build up the fire.
He took a log and broke it into smaller pieces quietly. He built a structure in the glowing embers and tiny flames and gently blew onto it. The little fire-flowers licked up the sides of the small wooden tower, leaping at Remus's breath eagerly. He added a bit more dry bark and blew once more lightly. The fire flared up, and Remus felt it safe to put a log on.
Twenty minutes later, a fire much larger than the one that had been there that day roared and crackled away, and yet the letter was still in Remus's hand. The reason why was simple: the full moon had been but two days ago, and the poor little lycanthrope was, quite honestly, tuckered out.
Remus woke to bright sunshine on his face. He felt around for the stone floor on which he fell asleep, but found a soft sofa. He was laying on a sofa in the Gryffindor common room, facing a blazing fire. It was the day before Christmas, and quite cold, and there was an almost intoxicating warmth behind him. Remus sighed contentedly and wiggled backwards into the warmth, which smiled into his back. He frowned, but decided, out of sleepiness, that he really didn't care at this point. Then he realized the letter was gone.
I…I think I didn't burn it…but I was so tired, I bet I did…phew…
He felt, rather than heard, the warmth chuckle.
"So," it said in a vaguely familiar voice, "you think I look like an immortal, supernatural being?"
Remus paled. And the voice registered.
Sirius laughed his bark-like laugh. "Moony…Re…look at me…."
"No," said Remus, burying his head in his arms and curling up into a tight little ball. He heard Sirius sigh exasperatedly.
"Re…do I SOUND mad?"
And sure enough, the lyconthrope was crying. His slim shoulders shook with the suppressed tears. Shuddering, he wiped them away with the back of his hand.
"G-go ahead, Sirius. Tell me…tell me you hate me and don't wan to even know me any more. That you want to f-forget that there was ever a Remus J. Lupin on the planet, in your life."
"Why, Re? Why would I want to do that?"
"Because, Sirius! You know I'm gay, and the guys know I'm gay – but I never expected to fall in love with…with you!" he cried.
"Moony…Re…Remus, look at me." Sirius said softly. Remus stretched out, and, without thinking, rolled over. Only them did he realize his proximity to Sirius. They were laying so close on the narrow couch that their hips touched, their noses, their toes – Remus blinked and shivered.
Sirius's storm-gray eyes stared into his amber ones.
"Why would I be mad?"
"Because, Sirius! I'm…I'm…I'm a m-monster…you deserve someone so much better than me…"
"Christ, Remus," Sirius whispered. His arms looped around Remus, and he ran a hand through Remus's caramel hair. "How am I supposed to prove I'm not mad?"
Remus shivered from Sirius's touch, trying to pull away to no avail. "You…can't…"
"I beg to differ," Sirius murmured, his lips almost touching Remus. The werewolf could feel the other boy's breath on his lips, the flesh barely touching. Remus tried desperately to stifle a groan which was growing inside him.
"Stop…" He blinked as he realized that even if he spoke, he felt the barely-there contact. The urge to moan was almost overpowering.
And Sirius kissed him full on. Remus moaned into the other boy's mouth, and Sirius took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Remus's mouth. They pulled away, each inwardly cursing themselves for needing oxygen.
"I love you, Remus," whispered Sirius, nuzzling Remus gently with his nose. Remus smiled and closed his eyes, snuggling closer to Sirius.
"I love you too, Siri…"
A/N Well? I dunno if I should keep going or leave it as a one-shot…