If Wishes Were Horses, Beggars Would Cry.

By The Emperor's Sister


"Stuff your holes, Ladies." The young witch demanded as she pounded the podium with her gavel. The gavel made an upset squeaking noise, much like a dog's chew toy, each time it connected with the hard oak surface, but it was sufficient enough to get the gathering of school girls to settle down.

"The meeting of the Secret Society Solely Structured for Servicing Studiously and Staidly and Somewhat Sadistically as Servants to the Sorcerer Severus Snape our Sexy Sarcastic Sovereign of Sultry Sophistication, or SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS is now in order."

"Let the minutes of our last meeting be read."

A younger blonde witch rose from her seat and glanced at her list. Clearing her throat she began. "Society member pins were at long last distributed, and newest members were informed of SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS's rules of conduct. Also sister Pansy Parkinson was elected to follow as next year's president should she pass her promoting task, which must be decreed today."

"Thank you sister Hannah." The president said, as the blonde girl sat down. "Stand Sister Pansy. Are you ready to devote yourself to our cause? And hopefully take your place here, where I now stand and many previous presidents of SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS have stood? Are you ready for the trials ahead?"

Pansy Parkinson stood before her president with pride and announced. "I am, Lady President!"

"Then by the power invested in me, I decree this to be thy task!" the witch declared. She pointed at a struggling, yet adorable, tied up plush doll version of Hogwart's Potions Master. "You must brew, perfectly and punctually, a multiplication potion. One which we will use to bathe the ever so cute and cuddly Potions Master Plushy and create an exact replica, so that I can take it with me when I graduate."

"You are all misguided, hormone-driven banshees!" the Potions Master doll screamed.

"AWNNN!" the members cooed with high-pitched glee-filled voices. "He's soo CUTE!" The sound waves from their adoring cries tortured the animated toy into a coma.

"As you wish President!"

"Good! Meeting Adjourned! Now bugger off, Ladies, before we're all late for classes."

And so Snape's Secret fan club dispersed.


Pansy Parkinson was giddy. It had taken here almost the entire week but she had the formula down pat. Absolute perfection bubbled in her cauldron. Her society sister's would be pleased with her work, and she would be the president the following year. She had so many plans. Like merchandising! And Conventions! Imagine Severus Snape stationary, quills, and t-shirts! She could barely contain herself.

Sure she was using her potions class improperly, but it was a sacrifice she was willing to make. She'd make up the class later. She was a Slytherin after all. Professor Snape would be lenient.

But of course, when everything seems perfect, something goes horribly wrong. In Pansy's case, it was Neville Longbottom.

While Pansy was carrying her newly bottled glory she tripped over Longbottom's bag and straight into his cauldron. The crash shattered her precious potion and mixed it horribly with Neville's own.

"No! All that work ruined! You stupid oaf!" Pansy snarled and slapped the poor Gryfindor soundly across the face. Poor Neville, both surprised by pansy's accident and again by her attack, jumped, coincidently, into the very worktable supporting the contaminated brew. Worktables were not designed for such forceful maneuvering, and so before Snape could storm over to see what the matter was, and successfully put a stop to it, the table had collapsed and sent Neville's potion adrift.

To spill on his unfortunate area partner, dousing her completely in its sticky, aromatic, goop. It took only a minute of everyone's time before the substance took effect, and Hermione Granger's person disappeared into a dense pungent puce coloured cloud.

"Away! Everyone get away!" Snape roared, and the class followed exactly, fearing for their lives. All except for poor Hermione Granger, whom they could hear gasping and coughing within the thick gaseous cloud.

As quickly as he was capable, Snape dispersed of the toxic fog, hoping against hope that he was not too late. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you looked at it, he was.

"Miss Granger?"

Hermione Granger picked herself up off the floor and sighed. "Hmm. We seem to have quite the development on our hands, Professor."

"Hello sexy boy!" Hermione purred as she sashayed towards Draco Malfoy. Malfoy stood there stunned as she proceeded to stick her tongue down his throat. He didn't protest her actions, not that he was in a position to do so, but instead decided to go with the proverbial flow.

"Harry!" Hermione cried excitedly and launched herself at the poor boy-who-lived-to-see-his-best-female-friend-divided. "Let's play!"

Severus Snape groaned. "Lovely. Just what this world Needs. Three Hermione Grangers."

"Ah, actually it should be Four, Professor, by my calculations." The first Hermione informed him. "You missed the me over there who's cleaning up that mess."

"Oh dear dear dear dear dear dear. This'll never do."

"FOUR then." Snape snapped. "Now, get all of yourselves into my office whilst I attempt to rectify this mess."

"Oh my, that may be harder than you'd think." The fourth Hermione confessed, noticing the strangle hold of the more excited third Hermione on Harry potter, and the close-to-shagging position of the second.

"Alright then." The first Hermione decided. "You get the childish one, I'll handle the hormonal one."

Nodding, the fourth Hermione began to pry the third Hermione from her friend.

"No! I Dun Want to GO! I Wanna play with HARRY!"

"Ah… Oh! If you go into the room and play nice for a bit, I'll give you a sweet."

"Candy!" the third Hermione squealed. "Yeay!" and off she skipped followed by her softly smiling counter part.

The second Hermione was not so easily persuaded.


"I'm busy.'

"Stop being difficult."

"Excuse me! Snogging a cute blonde here? Bugger off!"

"Yes, beat it!" Draco butt in, enjoying himself immensely.

"Hmmm." The first Hermione chewed then smiled grimly. "You know, you could shag him..."

"I plan to."


The second Hermione sat up and glared at herself. "What?"

"You don't have any contraceptives. There for you are highly susceptible towards becoming pregnant from your sexual activity. At your age, single motherhood will be most trying."

The second Hermione paled. "…Pregnant…"

"Though he is a pureblooded wizard so when you Do become impregnated with his child, you will most likely have to be wedded. As the pureblood faculty are against such things as allowing one of their own to beget an heir and allowing the child to become illegitimate …" Hermione didn't have to continue her long winded and fact laden speech, as her more voracious self leaped off the aroused, blonde haired boy, as if he were on fire; and ran panicking into Snape's office.

Smiling victoriously she made her way into the other room, and closed the door.


Severus Snape eyed his office occupants warily. Hogwarts now sported FOUR Hermione Grangers. He felt like crying.

They were rather intriguing specimens though. The first girl was childish to the extreme. Bouncing from here to there, and occasionally chewing on his furniture. She had un-tucked her blouse and her shoes were nearly untied. The second one was very mothering and caring. She was still neatly dressed, though her hair was tied back by a ribbon. He watched at she scolded herself and gave the more exuberant Granger a sugar quill to amuse herself with. When she noticed his examination of her person, she blushed rather becomingly.

'Demure that one is.' He noted, and moved on to the next.

The third Hermione Granger was sitting, cross-legged, by the lamp. She was reading one of her texts, occasionally muttering something he couldn't catch. Intelligent and logical, this Hermione was more of the student he was used to seeing, albeit more boring and critical. She was the only Hermione still wearing her school robes, and even had a pair of reading glasses perched on her nose. The last one caused him to wince. She was seated, if one could call it that, with her legs on each arm of the chair, showing her knickers to the world. Carelessly grooming her teeth with her nails, she was definitely and over-active libido come to life, what with her shirt tied up and opened to look like a Hogwarts School bra.

The four parts that make up one, complete, Hermione Granger. He was devastatingly surprised by the last one, but then they always said it was the quiet ones.

Now how exactly did he put them back together?

"Ah, Professor, Sir?" The polite Hermione interrupted his musings. "Perhaps it would be more bearable if we all had individual names?"

"That would be less confusing in the long run." Snape agreed.

"MIONE!" the childish one claimed.

The studious one hmphed. "Then she should be whore." She muttered darkly, sparing he skanky neighbor a caustic glance.

"What's a whore?" Mione asked.

"Ah she said Her! Yes, her."

"Herm is fine." The sultry one snorted, scratching her thighs.

"Um, I'll be… oh…"

"Miss Granger will be my handle." Miss Granger announced closing her text and placing it back in her bag.

"Ah, then Hermione for me. That works doesn't it?"

"Quite." Snape nodded. "Now all that needs doing is finding out exactly how you became separate and to put you back together."

"From my observations, prior to the accident, Professor Snape," Miss Granger began, "Pansy Parkinson's potion contaminated Neville Longbottom's. So her potion must have been one we were not assigned to brew. Therefore the magical reaction caused when the two foreign mixtures met resulted in what you see before you now."

"Then Miss Parkinson has some explaining to do."

"I have to go Potty!"


"Oh dear. I supposed one of us should take her."

"Herm if you would?" Snape bade, "I will be needing your more responsible halves with me for preparation purposes."

"Fine." Herm sighed and sleazily slid from her seat to escort Mione to the little girl's room.

"Hermione if you would be so kind as to begin clearing up some of the debris, and Miss Granger, the diagnostics of the potion? I shall be seeing to my Slytherins."

"Yes Professor."


Herm shifted, bored out of her mind, as she waited outside the girl's loo. 'This bites. I get some freedom and nothing to do with it.' The skipping steps of a familiar smirking young man disrupted her un-happy musings.

"Hey Draco." She purred.

"Hell-o my sexy little mudblood."

"Hmm I bet you'd just LUV to get down and dirty with Hermy, sexy boy." She grinned enticingly.

"I've got a present for you." He leaned, waving a small vile in her face.

"Oh? And it is?"

"Contraceptive Potion."

She pasted herself to his arrogant side. "I like the way you think rich boy. Let's go have some … fun."

By the time Mione exited the loo, their naughty giggles had faded from the hall.

"Boo! I'm alone! I'm gonna find Harry!" she decided and bounced off in the direction she knew his class to be in. "Harry and Ron will play with me! They're my friends!"


To be continued…

AN: Hola all! Sorry about 'Marry Mione'. I've been a little lazy with getting that fic beta'ed and posted. Here's one of the few somethings I have been working on. I hope it fills the void until I get my act together!