Faithlessness

My thoughts are crowded with death

and it draws so oddly on the sexual

that I am confused

confused to be attracted

by, in effect, my own annihilation.

Thom Gunn, In Time Of Plague, 1992

Thomas leaned into the wall cold breeze buffeting against his stark face. Inside it had been so hot and stuffy, how could it be this icy outside? Thomas didn't have an answer, he didn't particularly want one either. His mind milled and turned incessantly. Simon had been right, he'd left his faith on that church floor, how could he possibly have kept it. Had he even gotten it back, true he'd met two angels in the last two weeks... He knew now that there was a God, but knowing and believing, weren't they two different things.

'When fishes flew and forests walked...' Thomas jolted, it was like ice cubes slipping down his spine.

'And figs grew upon the thorn,' It led and Thomas followed, the darkened courtyard disappearing around him, in a strange hazy breathlessness.

'Some moment when the moon was blood...' Thomas swallowed the dry feeling at the back of his throat, it was the desert dust his mind claimed, something dark and foreign lurking at the back argued.

Thomas approached something that could have been a door, though really it was more of a crumbling little split in the rock. The stone was almost an electric white beneath the full moon, making the darkness within seem endless... Thomas entered anyway, spurred on by some tightness in his stomach.

'Then surely I was borne.' It was drawled thick and idle. Deep and laced with every drop of irony in the world. The room was small, even more so because of the figure so leisurely posed in front of him.

"How cute..." He drawls cruelly.

"The little wannabe priest begging..." His voice has the same soft swish as someone grating velvet.

"To be fucked..." He growled, voice dripping with darkness... Thomas realised dimly that he was panting and shaking... mouth hanging open a little. He closed it licking dry lips as he went, swallowing hard as he realised the devil was watching the movement avidly.

"I can't..." Thomas whimpered thinking of how the other seemed to steal light from the room...

"I can lay you out right here... and fill your mouth with your mothers faeces... Or we can talk." He snapped and it was like a slap, hard and biting, Thomas stumbling back a step.

"What'd you want?" he asks finally trying to keep himself together... The other flicks a coin idly across his fingers. The silver surface catching the light almost hypnotically. Then he stands; hops to his feet and Thomas can't back away quick enough. Can't back away at all when the wall meets his back... and the other braces hands above his head...

"I want you laid out naked on some granite stone in hell. Chain there for the rest of eternity... Just so I can fuck you hard anytime I want." Thomas shakes slightly, searching the others eyes desperately, trying to see if its true or if it the others merely baiting him. All he can is green-blue darkness in a shade he's never seen before.

"Its so fun watching you tremble." He spits sadistically, pushing off the wall with a nasty grin.

"Why are you here... Why would you be apart of this?" Thomas gasps finding what's left of his voice, tattered as it is...

"I'm not, other angels have made this war... Because they hate you... God had put you in his grace and has pushed them aside..." He said almost whimsically pacing about the room.

"So much fuss over something so tenuous..." He frowns eyes raking over Thomas... He chuckles dropping slowly back into his chair of crumbling stone.

"This though Tommy is hardly your problem either... Since you are hardly in God's grace..." He smirks snarkily and Thomas is reminded of those Lions at the zoo, the ones that stalk along the fence watching the people go to and fro because they haven't been in long enough to know that there's no way out... That same hungry predatory look.

"This war is tiresome, its remained in stalemate for thousands of years and looks to be drawn out for another thousand..." He drawls almost musically, moving on from his last dig. Stopping to survey Thomas, who leans back into the corner.

"And of course while the state of affairs endures, no soul can meet its god... Your parents and their parent and so on lie still in wormy earth..." He smouldered, breath steaming in the air.

"Well..." His mouth tilts cruelly.

"Some do come to me eventually, for while heaven may be closed I am always open... Even on Christmas..." He lilts.

"How thoughtful." Thomas can't help but snort. The other stops and glares at him for a moment, studying... he kicks a foot up onto the armrest of the chair, which looks about ready to topple to bits... He chuckles, looking Thomas up and down, sucking a lip loudly.

"You humans..." He breathed hotly...

"You know more of war and treachery of the spirit than any angel ever could." He drawls, eyes fixed firmly on Thomas.

"And how I love you for it..." Something in Thomas's stomach protests violently.

"But therein lies Gabriel's plan." Thomas watches transfixed as he plucks a rose from the wall and starts tearing the outside petals from it. It was impossible, it had been part of the stonework a moment ago... The rose actually plucked from a carving on the wall, not from any vine growing up it.

"He has found a way to steal the darkest soul on earth to fight for him..." Thomas winces as he strips the rose down to the hip and bites it, clewing with rough cracking sounds. Thomas finds himself wondering if the other eats the fingers from the hands of the damned and if it sounds anything like that.

He tosses aside the stem and Thomas flinches blinking out of his reprieve.

"He wins... heaven opens... But this new heaven will just be another hell..." He breathes into the cooling air.

"See I am here, not because I love you or because I care for you... any of you... though you all are so amusing..." He smirks.

"But two hells is one hell too many... And I won't have that!" He growls.

"See I'm offering you a chance not only to save Mary... But to open heaven to all those lost souls..."

"What'd ya say..." Theirs a cruel lilt to the words and Thomas feels as though he's being stalked by some vicious kind of snake.

"Help from you... I don't think so." Thomas spits shaking his head.

"How foolish..." He says calmly, studying the other.

"Will you be so certain when Gabriel is shifting through the guts of your little Mary..." He muses.

"You sick bastard." He smirks rising from the dusty chair, walking slow and from his hips... Thomas stands still and rigid having no where else to go.

"Really?" His voice sounds like someone sanding stone. He grabs Thomas's arms and spins him around roughly, so that his arms are crossed over his chest. So that he's breathing hot and low in Thomas's ear... Thomas shudders as he's pulled back and down into the seat... Into a hard, hot lap...

"God!" He whimpers at his stupidness. He should have left... Shouldn't have followed some disembodied voice... nothing to do now but dig himself deeper.

"God? No, god is love..." He presses his mouth even harder to Thomas's ear.

"I don't love you!" He hisses, deep and rich with poison. The arms tighten almost crushing his chest.

"Let me go!" He demands and the other breathes a laugh into his ear.

"That stubborn little mouth of your's needs to be taught some respect." Thomas's shirt is pulled open, buttons flicking into the still air, his collar ripped away from his neck.

"I could teach you much better things to do with it then give 'tude." He almost offers.

"Fuck you." Thomas gasps and then realises the folly in this.

"Maybe later..." He purrs rubbing Thomas against him teasingly...

"God no..." Thomas winces wishing he still believed, because then he would have to worry about what other could do to him.

"God, God... God..." He taunts.

"He doesn't want you Thomas... He's fallen out of love with you too." He smirks cruelly into the Thomas's ear.

"Please..." There's a finger against his lips quieting him, holding him still with one huge arm. The same finger dips down to stroke idly at his throat... The others mouth presses close to his shoulder breathing him in. He rubs a cheek almost gently against his neck. Breaths buffet hotly raising Goosebumps. Thomas winces as he feels teeth graze over his throat, eyeteeth sharp and vampyric... Fitting really and Thomas knows what's coming next...

"Don't..."

"God... is such a childish thing..." He whispers and Thomas frowns steeling himself.

Teeth sink in and Thomas can't stifle the cry that slips past his lips at the hot intrusion. Delicious pieces of bone that feel like ice, yet make him flush with heat, Thomas leans back into the other groaning weakly as the bite deepens. Hard teeth slicing further into soft flesh. Thomas feels arms possessively twine around his waist and whimpers as the teeth are removed, the sting sharp and mind numbing. Blood is sucked forth hot and wet, making Thomas forget the pain, about who 's doing this to him. He moans at the hot mouth on his throat, pulling gulp after gulp of coppery liquid from him.

Its easy not to think and only feel, feel that burning mouth and the exquisite little ache in his neck and the hand petting the hardness between his thighs. Stroking long and gentle. Thomas groans and rubs himself against the other.

'Thomas...'

It's faint and unimportant, darkness creeping into the edges of his mind. Somewhere Thomas feels himself drifting over a deep, hot abyss. Spots are starting to dance before his eyes.

"Thomas..." Katherine, it hits him like a bucket of cold water, he realises what that darkness is... He struggles away from the other ending up face first in the dirt. The devil chuckling as he leans forward, crawling up Thomas's body... the other struggles beneath him and gasps when he grabs his wrists and pulls him over onto his back He holds Thomas still and brings his lips down over the squirming masses. Thomas clenches his teeth, swears that he won't let the other violate his mouth as well. The tongue begs at his lips, teasing them. Nibbling at his swollen bottom lip. Thomas sighed and gasped as the others tongue entered him and rolled across his mouth. Thomas whimpered, as he tasted his own blood, it should be sickening but its not... Its thrilling and erotic for some reason he can't possibly define... The kiss deepened, roughened and Thomas felt his chest ache in need of air... He isn't going to stop. Thomas reflects in horror as his head spins. He'd fully intended on drinking Thomas dry and now...

"Thomas are you alright. How did you cut yourself?" Katherine's voice is the sweetest thing he's ever heard as she lifts him into her lap. Blood is dribbling lazily from his neck and Thomas fights for breath to tell her about the other. To tell her to be careful. But he realises that the others already gone. Realises that he probably passed out at some point and there's just Katherine here now... Just Katherine and that mark... Thomas makes the mistake of touching it gently, pleasure tingles through him mockingly.

I'm lying on my head, no I'm not in bed, just checkin' out the world from a different angle.

That's what happens when you trip on your blindness.

Always seems for some reason that it is happening to me.

Why is it so, and why don't I know?

Why is it so, I can't see the obstacle in front of me.

Christ, I'm falling down again,

It happens to me now and then.

I'm growing up yeah, I'm growing up yeah.

I won't let it fade away, i promise to be strong and brave.

I'm growing up yeah, growing up yeah.

Open up your eyes and maybe you'll realise, the truth is in the thoughts you hold and not the obstacle in front of you.