Alex I hope you don't mind, but I just had to continue this because you hadn't…yet. There has just been so much crap goin on with the show it's just-too-damn-tempting!
Summary: Sequel to Alex's 'Charmed: Behind the Magic' you don't have to read his to get this but I suggest you do anyway because it's way funny!
Announcer: If you remember, 7 years ago we told you about 3 sisters, sisters with mystical, spooky powers. Well we've decided to revisit these women to see how their lives, as well as bodies (cuts to reconstructed picture of Phoebe's head on Pam Anderson's body.)…have changed. Now a VH1 special; Charmed: Behind the Magic; Part Du (Two for the stupid people)
Announcer: "Seven years ago we first met the Halliwell sisters. They told us how making the transition from normal sisters, to witchy role models effected their social and personal lives. So, let's talk now with oldest sister, Prue Halliwell."
(Camera cuts to Paige, sitting awkwardly.)
Announcer: "Who are you? Where's Prue?"
Paige: "I'm Paige Matthews their long lost half sister and Prue died 4 years ago."
Announcer: (Muttering) 'Why the hell didn't I get that memo?' (Talking) "Peachy, so now we'll find out how their lives have evolved from all those years ago…"
Piper: "It's been tough. We are working 12 hour days, I haven't said anything unscripted for….sorry I can't read that part. But it's also been a lot of fun; there have been lots of romances, onscreen and off. For instance Leo and I were finally allowed to marry, biggest mistake of my life because I had to break off my affair with the Key Grip David Donaho."
Leo: "When Piper and I got married I was forced to break up with my boyfriend, David, he was the key grip on the set, if you know what I mean."
David: "I personally was heart-broken when Piper and Leo broke up with me. I didn't know what I was gonna do. I mean I went from having two very hot people to having no very hot people."
Piper: "Then Phoebe met that cute D.A Cole Turner. Boy I'll never forget the first time I 'accidentally' walked in on him in the shower."
(Piper's picking the lock to Cole's trailer. She burst in and throws open the shower door with a video camera.)
Phoebe: "Cole was okay, I mean he was great in bed, but I wanted something more!"
(Shows Phoebe in bed with Cole, Leo, and Daryl.)
Leo: "That bitch gave me AIDS!"
Cole: "I had never had a 4-way before, and when I asked them about working it into the show, they made me do that godawful episode with Prue; The Good, the Bad, and the Cursed."
Announcer: "But it wasn't just sneaking around and giving people STDs. No, somewhere along the line, Shax, the Source's right-hand bitch, killed our beloved Prue."
Leo: "Oh yea, Prue, she didn't die. She was constantly getting into fights with Phoebe, so one day she walked up to Kern and said 'It's either her or me'. She was gone the next day. Of course being the perfect family that we are we had to come up with a cover-up, that's were Prue's death came in."
(Shows them all partying around Prue's casket. Cole pees on it.)
Piper: "Of course with Prue gone, I became the oldest, which was never part of the plan. Phoebe and I worried if the Power of Three would ever be reconstituted."
Phoebe: "Then we met Paige, apparently she was the illegitimate love-child of our slutty mom and her Whitelighter."
Announcer: "Paige seemed to fit into the plot rather nicely. With her vampiress-vibe and seemingly endless supply of lollipops it looked like the Charmed Ones were back and better then ever."
Brad: "Paige definitely seemed enthusiastic."
Paige: "When Brad first approached me with the script I filed a restraining order. But after he blackmailed me with some unflattering pictures I took with Shannen Doherty I just couldn't say no."
Leo: "I don't know if it was Prue's death or Cole's shirtless scene in 'Enter the Demon' but the ratings skyrocketed."
Piper: "The fans wanted another death…"
Announcer: "And that's exactly what they got…When 'VH1's Charmed: Behind the Magic; Part Du returns."
Announcer: "We're back with ' VH1's Charmed: Behind the Magic; Part Du'…by the end of season 4 people became bored with the storyline. Phoebe and Cole were the rulers of the Underworld and Phoebe had gotten knocked up, and apparently that wasn't exciting enough for the pre-teens and stay at home moms who made up most of the general audience."
Phoebe: "It was a pretty sweet gig. I had demons granting my every wish."
Demon: "That ho gave me Herpes!"
Cole: "When they told me that they were killing me off for the hundredth episode I was a little upset."
(Show him begging on his hands and knees, crying.)
Piper: "I was pissed off, the only hot straight guy since…who knows when and they go and kick him off!"
Announcer: "After Cole's death people became angry, confused, and scared. What was to become of their beloved show without its star?"
Kern: "Of course we got a ton of hate mail from enraged fans and Cole's mom…so we decided to do the right thing, we had Piper get pregnant!"
Paige: "She what? She got pregnant? Well that explains a lot."
(Paige and Piper in the kitchen. Paige: "Piper you're not actually going to eat Kit are you?" Piper: 'Growls')
Announcer: "Nine months later or about 7 episodes Piper gave to birth to Wyatt."
Leo: "Suddenly our lives were about nothing but Wyatt. Wyatt this, Wyatt that, don't feed Wyatt that it's Exlax. Now I know why Patty and Sam ditched Paige when they had the chance."
(Piper walks into the conservatory. Piper: "Leo! Why is there a diaper on the lamp?" (Wyatt walks in with a lightbulb up his butt.) Wyatt: (In a British accent) "Dammit Piper he's done it again!")
Piper: (Rolling her eyes) "Then came Chris…"
Chris: "I think my character really changed the show for the best."
Kern: "We were getting 'I'm sorry,' cards from Prue, who had just got kicked off her third show in a month! That's when you know something's wrong."
Phoebe: " I liked Chris as much as I liked the new hair cut that Elish gave me."
Elish- so-called 'stylist': "I rather liked Phoebe's new hair cut. And with that new do she had to have the wardrobe to match! And everyone else had to match her!"
Paige: "Everywhere I went people were calling me colorblind! It wasn't my fault!"
Announcer: "With as much drama off the show as there was on; it was time for another change."
Chris: "They got this Gideon guy to kill me, well the older me, Piper was pregnant with the other me at the time."
Piper: "When I heard I was pregnant with Chris, I wanted an abortion, but I guess we're 'pro-life'."
Announcer: "When we return we'll introduce two new cast members and ask; 'why have you stopped giving the Crack Smoking Monkey Writer's their crack Brad?"
Announcer: "Welcome back to VH1's Charmed: Behind the Magic; Part Du… Charmed has gone through more people than Alyssa Milano and…"
Alyssa: (Watching the show.) "What? Of all the cheap shots! Joel!"
Joel: (her lawyer) "I'm suing, I'm suing!" (Picks up the phone)
Announcer: "…when you do something like that you eventually run out of good gueststars. In come Billie and Dex, and exit Daryl, who no one really cared about anyway."
Phoebe: "I got yet another love interest, Dex. The writer's must've voted on the worst possible guy for me, cuz this guy wasn't exactly Julian McMahon."
Kern: "We found Dex throwing up in a gutter outside the studio, passed out next to him as Mark McGrath… hey, you would've done the same thing."
Dex: "I think Phoebe and I are meant for each other."
Phoebe: "We kept meeting in the elevator. It was just creepy."
Paige: "Then I finally got a new love interest, Billie, I dunno what made the writers think I was gay…"
Crack Monkey Writer 1: "It was the mustache, any straight woman would be smart enough to shave or bleach that mother…that's why she never kisses anyone. No one wants to see imperfections."
Crack Monkey Writer 2: "Which is also why Prue started channeling her powers through her hands after awhile. It's just not a pleasant sight zooming into those eyes." (Takes a hit and writes something down. 'And Billie does a spell to that makes Dex and Phoebe get married.')
Billie: "I get along great with everyone."
Piper: "That little bitch thought Wyatt was a girl!"
Leo: "She made fun of my hair!"
Phoebe: "I'm sorry, who?"
Paige: "The only reason we keep her around is because we faked our own deaths and glamoured into the rejects from American Idol, she's only there as a demon vanquishing convenience…and she's good in bed, with the lights off…"
Piper: "They made me blonde!"
Phoebe: "I wanted to be blonde!"
Leo: (Looking in a mirror at his glamoured self.) "I should've gone taller."
Dex: "I think Phoebe and I are meant for each other…"
Billie: "Look, I scryed with my laptop and found a demon, I don't know who he is but let's go after him anyway!"
Prue: (In the background, chuckling.) "And I thought I had it bad!" (She turns and walks away.)
Announcer: "If you still watch this show, you are a kind person…but the show is going through a budget crisis, robbing the show of the basic necessities such as good clothes, and a decent plot…"
(Like one of those Christian Children's Fund commercials he goes over to Phoebe who is sitting down, looking sad, in her usual slutty attire.) "For only 5 dollars a day you can help to clothe Phoebe and her family, and you also help buy the crack that the monkey writer's need to write good material and pay for better guest stars…Please, Charmed needs your help! As an added bonus for your generous donation each month you'll get a letter from your star along with an updated photo."
(It shows a picture of rat haircut Phoebes then her now, WOW!)
Announcer: "This has been a VH1 special…now go find something good on, you just missed Nip/Tuck."
That was so weird…and long