By Adrian Tullberg.
Category; Humour (slightly on the adult side)
Rating; R, or thereabouts.
Disclaimer; if you are stupid enough to think that you could, would, or should make a single cent from Internet fan-fiction, may certain parts of your body shrivel up and drop off in the most painful manner possible.
The peroxide vampire drove through the night.
An old acquaintance - okay, a five-year-dead vamp who owed him a favour - told him of these people. They were human in appearance, but couldn't be further removed from the happy meals that he was separated from by a mad scientist's tamperings.
However, he was intent on getting the next best thing.
The boy drove, consulting the map.
Xander Harris was after his uncle's car. He had a fairly good idea who stole it, the owner telling of a 'guy in a black coat and looked like Billy Idol'.
Intent on hunting down the vampire himself - after all, he had been 'key guy', and Spike was harmless with that gimmick, he asked Willow to use a locater spell, swearing her to secrecy. She agreed, but asked for his 'Where the Boy's aren't' video collection in exchange, hurriedly stating it was for 'some college gag'.
College sure sounded fun, thought Xander, as he pulled into a nice leafy suburb. Willow had warned him of magics that were present, making the locals unknowing of the unusual - a lot like the Hellmouth's effect on people living there.
As he pulled up to the address, he got his first look - and hoped that the magic was running at full power.
As he got out of his car, Xander looked around the darkened suburban street, scanning the carnage.
Near his feet, a pretty thirty-fortyish woman was on the ground, looking very surprised. Then again, so would you, thought the King of Cretins, if somebody had repeatedly run over, then backed over you with a lime green Volvo.
The picture window was smashed in several places, smeared with blood and what looked like ground beef. Somehow, Xander suspected that the meat didn't come from any hamburger patty.
A woman, blonde, but slightly older than Miss Roadkill, had her head stuck in the mailbox. Xander noted, numbly, that this house was the former residence of 'The Spellmans'. The rest of her body, was artistically draped over the doorway like Christmas tinsel.
Hoping that nothing was dripping on him, Xander entered the house. In front of him, was a guy, divested of all his clothes, with a grey pallor. The boy looked closer, noticing that something was missing - and realised that this victim's testicles had been sheared clean off.
As he staggered back in sympathetic pain, Xander turned to look on his right, and saw it.
Spike, dancing with a drained dry corpse, in the middle of the living room. He was singing, acting drunk, his face flushed with other people's blood - and a lot of that blood was allover his hands and arms. "If you like pina coladas..."
"..if you get caught in... oh, bloody hell." He grinned, then waved to Xander. "Sabrina, love, Xander. Xander, Sabrina." Spike listened to some imagined reply. "Yeah, he is a tosser. You mind if I sit this one out?"
Without waiting for a reply, Spike dropped the corpse - Xander saw it was a pretty blonde teenager. The vampire fell onto the couch, not remotely concerned. "What are you doing 'ere?"
"You took my uncle's car!"
"Are you going to give me that 'I'm evil' excuse again?"
"No, I'm going for the 'it was guaranteed to piss you off' one." Spike took a cigarette out and lit up. "Accompanied by the 'I hope it scarred you for life' line."
Xander watched the vampire take a nicotine fix, wondering what to do next. "So ... how did you get in?"
"Easy. The other woman was into science, and had a real dickhead for a boyfriend. I just pretended I was delivering a free 'VIP customer' gift from the 'Adult Novelty' company, and she invited me in straight away." Spike grinned at this. "You don't know how many times that's gotten me my dinner." A bigger grin "And a bit of pre-dinner entertainment."
"I strongly suspect that I don't want to know. I thought the implant was still in you!"
"Oh, it is." Muttered Spike. "But they taste the same." Spike started licking the gore off his fingers, making Xander start turning a vivid shade of green. "As soon as I heard about this mob, I got my cute arse over here as soon as possible."
"But they look human..."
"That girl..." Spike pointed to the remains of the blonde "...studied hard, didn't do drugs, never swore, still a bloody virgin, and despite the sort of magickal powers your witch would give her left eye for, did absolutely bugger all with them apart from whingeing about her life and a few novelty party tricks."
Xander thought about this. "Okay, so she wasn't remotely human."
"Her relatives came under the same category." Continued the vampire, as he tried to lever himself of the couch. He failed, limbs twitching like a stranded turtle. "Bugger me, I'm stuffed."
Spike motioned impatiently for Xander to give him a hand up. As the teen did, the vampire gave a bone-rattling belch that would make any of the cast of Animal House stand up and salute.
"You didn't have to cut that guy's nuts off."
"Happened long before I touched him, mate." Muttered Spike. He looked around the place, rubbing his hands. "Okay ... you get the telly and video to the car while I check upstairs for those bint's jewellery."
Xander pointed a finger at Spike in an attempt to be assertive. "Look ... for the morally challenged here, normal humans do not..."
"Just how many Boost Bars have you sold?"
"Try the freezer, my aunt always hid her stuff there in a TV dinner pack."
As Xander disconnected the TV he noticed a cat trembling in the corner. Suddenly, it started speaking. "Please! Don't kill me! Pplleeaassee!"
Spike casually ambled over, picking up the cat.
He then drop-kicked it through the window.
The cat flew threw the air, landing heavily on it's back in the middle of the street.
Emitting the kind of words that are not heard (yet) on family programming, it got unsteadily on it's feet, only to be run over by an oncoming Subaru.
A long time fantasy of mine.
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