A/N: YAY! I'm a Notable TvTropes Referencer! This chapter has been bought to you by: TvTropes! Ruining your life since 2004! I still intend to be referenced on as many pages there for as many of my fics as possible! Please help me, as it feels like cheating if I do it myself. I need to catch up with S'Tarkan! TvTrope it, dattebayo!
Rather than Funny, this time I'm trying for Awesome, Heartwarming, Crowning Moments of. Tell me how you think it went. TvTropes it, dattebayo!
Harry punched the enemy ninja in front of him as he wondered how things had gotten like this. It turned into jello and collapsed to the ground. "Hurry Magical Girl Green Lantern, Great Detective Akane-sama! We need to stop Itachi before he completes his Dark Hallow ritual and evolves into an eldritch abomination!"
"Stop stating the obvious, ninja-boy!" Akane cried as she spun her staff, the tail of her black duster fluttering behind her. "Occam Holmes Harry Dresden Batman! Agite Tenebrae Abyssi, Ensis Incendens! Et Incendium Caliginis Umbrae Inimicitiae Destructionis Ultionis! Incendant et Me et Eum, Sint Solum Incendentes! Incendium Gehennae!"
The mooks in front of her disappeared in a maelstrom of hellfire that left nothing behind but chocolate syrup as the heroes charged down the passageway. A giant tentacle monster moved to block their way, and Magical Girl Green Lantern stepped forward, left hand out to present her ring. "Nanoha Emerald Smasher!"
The tentacle monster dissolved into goops of broccoli cream and they ran on through, heading towards their beleaguered companions fighting to keep the way to the ceremonial chamber open.
"About time!" Magical Girl Erebea Margareta cried, her magic chainsaw Bling carving a wide furrow through the zombie werewolves surrounding them to let the three pass through while Agent Crimson, Li'l Purple Ravager, and Ebony Layla Evans fought to keep the other sides clear. "Hurry! Itachi's about to sacrifice the hamster! If manages to go through with that, only the great spirit of Oliver Paleo PHD will be able to stop him! And he's been trapped in the Orange realm! You're our only hope, Great Legendary Ninja Uncle Harry! Itachi's Chlorine Elementals are coming!"
Harry grit his teeth, tightening his grip on his wand-dagger. "It's up to me," he said and turned to get on the back of the Zombie T-rex named Sue that would take him to his Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny with his most hated enemy.
"Harry, wait!" Sexy Librarian Eroge Character Rider cried out, holding up five spandex atoms. "You forgot your pants when we had a quickie!"
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 20: GoF, Genin Remix 5! Very Insane Tasks With Dragons In!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. I'm not making any money off this. Please don't sue me. TvTropes it, dattebayo!
Hey, everyone! Been busy with my Nanoha/Green Lantern/Negima/every-magical-girl-I-could-get-my-hands-on fic, Takamachi Nanoha of 2814 recently, as well as my Akane-centric fic, Akanema! Magistra Akane Magi!. Yes, that last is exactly what it sounds like. Still, you would it really hurt to give it a look? You might be pleasantly surprised. Check it out and tell me what you think, 'kay? In the meantime, TvTropes it, dattebayo!
Harry's eyes snapped open, and he stared at the ceiling. That had to have been the most messed up dream of his life.
"That's it," he muttered sleepily as he closed his eyes again and tried to sleep once more. "No more pocky before bed. Pocky is evil…"
The following Tuesday, Harry Potter found himself facing a life and death struggle, with nothing but his wits, the clothes on his back, his wand, and every dirty trick he could pull out of his ass.
Par for the course, really.
"Potter, the champions have to come down onto the grounds now..." Professor McGonagall said, coming up to him as he was finishing his lunch. "You have to get ready for your first task."
"Okie-dokie, professor!" said Harry, standing up, his fork falling onto his plate with a clatter.
"Good luck, Harry," Hermione said. "You'll be fine!"
"Kick ass, mate!" Ron added, and he left the table to a cloud of encouragement. He gave them a wave and a jaunty salute, which the twins and Creeveys returned. The rest cheered as he made his big exit.
He left the Great Hall with Professor McGonagall. She didn't seem her usual controlled self. As she walked him down the stone steps and out into the cold November afternoon, she put her hand on his shoulder.
"Now, don't panic," she told him, "just keep a cool head… We've got wizards standing by to control the situation if it gets out of hand… The main thing is just to do your best, and nobody will think any the worse of you… Are you all right?"
"Um, how close by will they be standing?" Harry asked, partly as an attempt at humor, and partly because he really wanted to know. Maybe he can foist the dragon's attention off on them?
"Nearby," was Professor McGonagall replied.
"I'm going to need burn cream, aren't I?"
Harry flung the tent-flap aside dramatically and pointed. "Tonight, you will be visited by the ghosts of Triward's Past, Present and Future!" he cried out like some Chicago private investigator with an arson habit suddenly appearing inside of a criminal kingpin's office in a fancy bordello. "They will teach you the true meaning of the words '(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), I'm going to die!'"
Viktor, Fleur and Cedric all stared at him as Bagman turned around, blinking. "You say something, Harry?" he said.
Harry blinked. "Um, wasn't my entrance dramatically humorous enough?"
The three other participants all shook their heads, though Cedric was rolling his eyes towards the heavens.
"Oh. (BLEEP). Maybe if I did it so I was interrupting the two of you making out?" Harry suggested.
Fleur coughed demurely. "Vell, obviously zis is a matter betveen Seekers. I vill leave you two gentlemen to it."
"Ah, Fleur!" Harry cried happily, putting both hands over his heart as the other two boys choked. "You are a girl after my own heart!"
"Doubtful," she said, smiling sly. "I am just a quick study."
Cedric turned to Viktor. "Suddenly, I am very afraid," he said. "you?"
"The same," Viktor said, smiling out of the corner of his mouth.
"Ah. Good to know. For a moment I was afraid I was the last sane man in the room."
"What about Bagman?" Viktor asked.
"Well, now we're all here—time to fill you in!" said Bagman brightly. "When the audience has assembled, I'm going to be offering each of you this bag"— he held up a small sack of purple silk and shook it at them— "from which you will each select a small model of the thing you are about to face! There are different— er — varieties, you see. And I have to tell you something else too... ah, yes... your task is to collect the golden egg!"
"Ah," Viktor said sourly. "Never mind." Cedric patted him on the shoulder.
"Lady's first," Bagman said, offering the bag to Fleur, whose hand shook slightly as she dipped it into the bag…
Harry glared distastefully at the little Hungarian Horntail as Bagman stepped out of the tent, waiting for him to follow. "Fourth," he muttered, just loudly enough for the others to hear. "Why fourth?-! By the time it's my turn, you guys would have used up the Task's awesome quota!"
Grumbling to himself, he followed Bagman out of the tent.
Cedric tapped his lips thoughtfully. "Right, just a quick recap, I'm not the only one who thinks Harry's completely bonkers, right?"
The other two nodded.
"And yet we're still, for some reason, going along with this alliance proposal of his?"
"Maybe we're bonkers too?" Viktor suggested.
"Merlin, I hope not," Cedric said, shuddering. "The last thing I need is to start singing about Professor Snape's arse…"
"Don't see vhat's the problem with zat," Fleur said loftily. "Song's right, it eez tappable arze."
"No comment," Viktor said.
"Feeling all right, Harry? Anything I can get you?" Bagman said.
"You wouldn't happen to know the magic word that will instantly put all the dragons to sleep, do you?" Harry asked brightly.
"Ah, cheeky, I like that, no, sorry boy, fresh out of those," Bagman said. He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Got a plan? Because I don't mind sharing a few pointers, if you'd like them, you know. I mean," Bagman continued, lowering his voice still further, "you're the underdog here, Harry... Anything I can do to help..."
"Unless you've got that word, not likely sir," Harry said jokingly.
"Nobody would know, Harry," said Bagman, winking at him.
"Well…" Harry said reluctantly. "Could you–?"
A whistle had blown somewhere.
"Good lord, I've got to run!" said Bagman in alarm, and he hurried off.
It was a thoughtful Harry that went back to the Champions tent. He stopped Cedric from stepping out, darting a look over his shoulder before speaking to the other Champions. "Bagman just offered to help me cheat," he said quickly, and they all stiffened. "I tried to pump him for information, but he ran off before he could give me anything. Not that I think he had anything we could work with."
"Bagman offered to help you cheat?" Cedric said, surprised. "Why?"
"I think he has a gambling problem," Harry said, shrugging. "I'm the underdog here, longest odds. He'd make a lot of money betting on me. I'd suspect him of being the one who stuck my name in the Goblet, but unless he had more acting talent than I've just seen, he was too surprised on Halloween for it to be him. Point is, I got nothing now, but we might be able to pump him for info in the future. Just something to remember."
Fleur and Viktor looked at him suspiciously. "That's it? You're just going to say he wanted to help you cheat but didn't have time to actually tell you anything you can use?" the French girl said, eye narrowed.
"Yes," Harry said, looking at her levelly. "If you don't believe me, you can keep my wand here," he held out said wand, "during my turn at the dragons. If I somehow come out of it completely unscathed, you'll know I'm a lying bastard who's been holding out on you. If I die a fiery death, you'll know I'm telling the truth." He casually flicked the wand to the girl, who caught it out of reflex, surprise and suspicion still in her eyes. Viktor was looking between the wand and him, frowning.
"You'd better get going," Harry told Cedric. "I've held you up long enough."
The Hufflepuff nodded, slightly green, and left in a swish of tent. The three remaining stood in mutual silence and listened as the crowd roared a few seconds later. After a few moments, Harry, a frustrated look on his face, gave the two a significant look and left the tent…
Cedric cursed whatever thrice-misbegotten impulse had prompted him to sign up for this Tournament. Whatever it was, it had a lot to answer for! He was standing in the same area as an expectant, maternal Swedish Short-Snout!-!-! That was all kinds of lethally wrong! And all he had was a half-baked plan he'd made in the last day or so, on the advice of someone he thought was slightly bonkers at the best of times! All well and good, but he was the one standing here all alone! Potter was staying back in the tent, didn't even have the decency to watch as he was–
Startled, Cedric risked a glance over his shoulder. Behind the enclosure, thrusting a first like mad and cheerin,g was Potter, a reluctant and lost looking pair of Fleur and Viktor behind him.
"You can do it, Cedric!" he kept on crying, jumping up and down excitedly. "Show that overgrown pair of Potion's gloves who's boss! Kick it's ass!" His head darted to one side, and he suddenly grabbed Fleur's arm and dashed towards the nearest stands, where surprised students were staring at him and pointing as he climbed up for a better view.
Other two followed reluctantly behind him, coming up to his level as he suddenly swooped on some random girl kissing her with fiery abandon and borrowing her Hufflepuff scarf as she swooned, her friend supporting her on either side. Harry wrapped the scarf around his hand, then rushed up as far forward as he could, waving his hand and the scarf on it like a flag. "KICK ITS ASS, DIGGORY!"
Viktor seemed to come to a decision, shrugging to himself before he was suddenly up front with Potter as well, roaring in defiance at the top of his lungs. "WIN!" the Bulgarian cried! "WIN, HUFFLEPUFF! WIN!"
Fleur rolled her eyes in resignation, and stepped up on Harry's other side. She cleared her throat daintily, than tapped it with her wand. "KILL, KILL, KILL!" she cried. "FOR ZCHOOL AND 'ONOR, KILL IT, DIGGORY!"
The cries were slowly, dazedly taken up by the students around them, all of whom looked confused but not about to be outdone. If it's one thing students knew how to do, it's how to make noise. "KICK IT'S ASS, DIGGORY!" "KILL IT!" "FOR SCHOOL AND HONOR!" "WIN, HUFFLEPUFF, WIN!"
Those in the top box seemed to stir, unsure at this latest development, Bagman babbling their confusion for them. Cedric met Harry's eyes, and the other boy winked, mouthing words slowly and deliberately.
Harry shot him a thumbs-up, waving the scarf. Viktor roared. Fleur met his gaze as well, rolled her eyes sideways at Harry, shrugged, and blew him a kiss.
No light suddenly flared in his heart. No feeling of lightness suddenly came over him, no strength rushed into his muscles, no epiphany came to mind. Still, as he turned back to the dragon, he couldn't help the grin tearing his face wide as he hefted his wand in his hand. For the first time since Harry had made them all truly realize what they were getting into, he felt like this was something he could do.
With a roar of his own to rival Viktor's, he thrust out his wand and cast a spell…
And so it went. It was only by his fellow Champions' cries of warning that Cedric avoided getting scorched as they watched his back for him while he retrieved the egg. Harry actually managed to keep it occupied for a whole five seconds with a long litany of curses that called it related to a gerbil and just kept getting more Monty Python from there. It was they who led the cheers as he got the egg.
He gave Fleur a reassuring hug– prompting Harry to cry foul and give her one herself, to much laughter– before the girl took his place in the enclosure and, despite the concerned chiding of professor Flitwick, took her place in the stands. Harry had given back the scarf to the girl he'd borrowed it from, and had somehow produced a jar of some sort of cool, minty balm– "Hinata-chan's special burn-cream recipe," he'd said cheerfully as he spread it on Cedric– then a roll of bandages to cover it up and prevent infection. He wrapped that expertly as well.
When they'd seen what Fleur was trying to do, they'd changed tactics, doing their best to try and calm the crowd while the girl poured on the charm. It was Viktor who caught the snore that became a gush of flame, hic cry ringing out in time for Fleur to dodge awkwardly but effectively, to cheers all around.
They cheered Viktor as well, even though his approach lacked quite the… panache of theirs. He seemed to appreciate their acceptance of his attempt, even as Harry pestered him to teach him the spell.
And then… it was Harry's turn.
Harry sighed as he stripped off the last of his pouches, handing them to a bemused Cedric for safe-keeping. After all, the rules said he wasn't allowed to take in anything but his wand, after all.
Viktor pounded his back with one of those sledgehammer-like manly blows, and Cedric, grinning, shook his hand. Wrapped around his fist was a Gryffindor scarf borrowed from someone who apparently had a keen understanding of how these thing were supposed to go. "Good luck Potter," he said, then grinned. "Kick its ass."
"Don't I always?" Harry said rhetorically, skipping down to the enclosure. The enclosure was a wide, arena-like area covered with dry, sandy soil– the better to absorb any blood, Harry thought morbidly– relatively bare at one end but growing more rocky and craggy as you moved towards the end with the dragon crouched over it's clutch of eggs. Harry wondered about that. Seriously, what sadist made up this scenery pron? And wasn't the surface too hard to be safe for the egg's shells? Weird evolution, he thought as the dragon's swinging tail knocked off a nearby lantern's shade.
"And now, the last Champion is making his way into the enclosure!" Bagman announced obviously. "Given the astonishing displays of magical prowess our other Champions have revealed, what surprise does our youngest participants, declared by his closest friends to be 'so batshit insane absolutely nothing he does will ever be predictable'– "
"HERMIONE!" was Harry's cry of protest.
"WHAT? YOU ARE!"
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPREAD IT AROUND! WHAT ABOUT MY GOOD REPUTATION?"
"WHAT GOOD REPUTATION?"
"NOT THE POINT! WHAT IF I WANTED TO GET ONE?"
"YOU'RE ALREADY WAY PAST THAT POINT EVEN WITHOUT MY HELP, POTTER!"
"AHEM!" Bagman interrupted as laughter washed over the stands. "Excuse me, but I'm the one who's supposed to be talking."
"OUR BAD! GO ON, MR. BAGMAN!"
Bagman sighed. "Ahem. And so now Harry Potter is facing his dragon, a Hungarian Horntail, also known by the colloquial area names of 'Sky Scorpion', 'Stinger Rear' and the ancient and traditional name, the 'Linverse Eater'. There's the signal, and Potter's walking towards it, looking very relaxed with his hands in his pockets. Some special stratagem, perhaps?"
Harry coughed and cried out, "Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong! Live long and prosper! Blessings be upon this, um, nest! I say, you wouldn't happen to be willing to just hand me that big golden egg that is so clearly not one of yours, would you?"
Everyone in the stands all face-faulted into the ground. Yes, even Dumbledore.
"POTTER!" cried Cedric. "THAT'S YOUR BIG PLAN?"
"HEY, HERMIONE'S ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT PEACEFUL, NONVIOLENT, NO-RUNNING-AND-SCREAMING-SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS! I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A SHOT!"
"AT WHAT POINT IN OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVE I EVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOT!" Hermione screamed at him waving her bat and needing to be restrained by the Weasley twins.
"WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF THING YOU'D SAY!"
"Er, the dragon doesn't seem to be amendable to Potter's proposal, and has flicked it's tail at him, sending a cloud of rocks his way! He's running towards it, he's scooping up a rock– possibly to transfigure, perhaps?– and he... throws it at the dragon, with absolutely no effect? Oh, it seems to have gotten mad and– AH! A close call as Potter narrowly avoids the dragon's breath! I say, did anyone know he was so good at acrobatics?"
Harry narrowly voided the stream of fire, feeling hairs start to sizzle and curl on his head. Thank goodness the dragon fired in a line rather than a cone, or he'd been in trouble. He had good Reflex Saves, but only a complete moron really thought you could dodge a fireblast while standing in its exact center. He loosened his robe, ready to let it go the moment it caught fire badly. It was wool, thank goodness, and thus fire-retardant. You learned lots of fun random pyromanic trivia when you have a knack for Katon.
"My word, look at him run! Does he have brooms on his feet or something? And– OH! Such reflexes! Boy must be a wonder on a broomstick, to be able to dodge dragon-fire so easily. He seems to be planning to simply run up to the golden egg and grab it? Will he? WILL HE? Yes, he– OH! A close shave with that tail, but it looks like it only grazed his robe! A lucky thing too! All parts of a dragon are known to be hazardous, not because of poison, but because they are all potentially infectious due ot the unsanitary conditions a dragon is capable of living in! So now you know! And knowing is half the battle!"
"WHAT SICKO THOUGHT THIS WAS AN APPROPRIATE CHALLENGE FOR INEXPERIENCED SCHOOLCHILDREN AGAIN?-!-?-!" Harry cried as he dived behind a rock to avoid another lash of the tail. "BECAUSE WHOEVER IT WAS DESERVES TO BE DOWN HERE WITH ME WEARING SHACKLES, LEAD WEIGHTS AND A HUNDRED POUNDS OF STEAKS AND FIREWORKS!"
"HERE, HERE!" the other Champions vehemently agreed in chorus.
"Well, really, it's not that bad!" Bagman said, miffed.
"COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT!"
"Sorry, important job to do up here!" Bagman said hastily. "And if we're going to turn this into a dialogue while you do those, admittedly, quite amazing back flips, summersaults and tumbles, I– and I'm sure, everyone else watching– would just like to know, why you seem to be holding back from using magic? You don't get any extra points for fewer spells used, I'm afraid. Well, unless we judges think so."
"CAN'T!" Harry cried, beginning to pant a little as picked up a rock and hurled it at one of the dragon's eyes. The Horntails signature appendage rather gracefully flicked it out of the air. "NO WAND ON ME!"
There would have been stunned silence, if it weren't for the dragons, both in the enclosure and outside, roaring wildly and the spectators suddenly erupting in chaos.
"WHAT?-!" Bagman cried, sounding truly frightened as the judges all rose to their feet, some readying their wands. "Mr. Potter, what happened! Why don't you have your wand with you?-!"
"GAVE IT," Harry cried, then yelped as his sleeve was nearly grazed by flame. He hastily patted it trying to get his arm out of the smoldering robe. He continued, "TO FLEUR! PROVE I WASN'T CHEATING BY KNOWING SOME SPECIAL PASSWORD TO MAKE THE DRAGONS GO TO SLEEP!"
Everyone's gaze snapped to a pale and horrified Fleur, who jerkily reached into her pocket, pulling out a wand. Cedric, Viktor and she all stared at it like it was Voldemort's long-lost phallus. So did everyone else in sight.
Hermione's cry summed it up best. "HARRY, YOU (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ING IDIOT!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"
"IT WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR A TRUST-BUILDING EXERCISE AT THE TIME!"
Cedric and Viktor both exchanged looks over the suddenly corpse-like Fleur's twitching head that said they were once more reconsidering the advisability of going forward with a cooperation plan proposed by this obviously insane individual.
"'ARRY POTTER, GET YOUR AZZ OVER 'ERE AND GET ZIS WAND BACK!" Fluer screamed in not-unjustified panic.
"I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT!" Harry said, who then tripped over a rock. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"
Everyone gasped in horror as the frontal wave of a fading fireblast suddenly engulfed Harry. Fleur's scream broke eardrums as her silvery hair began to wave as if underwater. To be fair, so did the screams of a lot of people. They didn't have her hair, though.
Dumbledore was about to leap down to the enclosure, Tournament be damned, but a split second before he could a rolling ball of fire threw itself out of the zone of the flames and behind some rocks, quickly resolving itself into a tightly curled Harry who then frantically began rolling to kill the fires as he pulled off his robes, then his shirt. The mass gasp of relief caused a small breeze in the enclosure as Harry finally managed to ditch all his smoldering clothes and stamp them out.
"RIGHT!" Harry cried as people cheered his escape. "THAT DOES IT! IF I EVER FIND OUT WHOSE (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ING IDEA TO HAVE DRAGON'S, ILLEGAL OR NOT, THEY! ARE! DEAD!" He looked down and gave a scream.
"WHAT, WHAT?-!-?" Bagman asked frantically, trying to crane his gaze over all the standing people.
"THAT (BLEEP)-ING SHOE TRASHED MY ROBE!" a suddenly incandescent Harry roared. He jabbed a finger in the dragon's general direction around the rock he was hiding behind. "I LIKED THIS ROBE! I'D JUST GOTTEN IT BROKEN IN JUST THE WAY I LIKED IT! THAT'S IT! THIS THING IS GOING TO PAY!-!-!-!-! FLEUR! WAND!"
Fleur tossed the wand as hard as she could into the enclosure, and it bounced a couple of times before a now shirtless Harry was able to pick it up.
And now, a short interlude. Harry, for those of you who will insist on this being described, was not muscle-bound. Come on, he spent a of his time indoors doing schoolwork, editing porn and in hospitals for one reason or another. The sport he's good at in school involves sitting on a broom. DBZ-sized muscles? Please. That said, just because he didn't look the creation of a mangaka that obviously thought textbook human physiology was too uncool and unrealistic for him didn't mean he didn't look good. He had a physique that's usually called lean. Words and phrases like 'whipcord' and 'wire' are usually thrown about somewhere. It was like someone took an average person, replaced all the fat with adamantium, then tightened the skin a little. Stars of shonen manga would not be ashamed to look like him. Some women with fantasies of petite She-Hulk-dom would have liked what he had, provided they got a choice on the cleavage. Despite being mostly sedentary, regular morning exercise, afternoon and weekend ninja training, and an 'interesting' life that usually involved age-inappropriate amounts of danger seemed to have done him good.
We now end this slightly out of place and kinda homo-erotic interlude and get back to our regularly scheduled program. Would you like to pass by our gift shop on your way out? We're having a sale on Uzumaki Harry lampshades.
Harry grabbed the wand, flipping about dramatically in the air as girls and some boys drooled over his now shirtless body while he nailed the landing. The dragon belched another flame at him.
Harry whirled like a Lightning God, his wand snapping up as the flame approached him. "INCENDIO! KATON: GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU!"
People screamed again as the flames once more engulfed him. at the last moment, a sudden blast of fire appeared, ridiculously concentrated, tearing apart the weaker frontal wave of the dragon's flame. When the flames cleared, a coughing Harry stood revealed, completely unharmed, except maybe for him pounding on his chest to try and clear it.
"You think I'm scared of you, you overgrown luggage set!" Harry cried, standing in the middle of the scorched circle of ground the dragon's fire had made, his voice ringing across the stands. "I'm HARRY POTTER, BITCH! I killed my first unholy force of evil when I was ONE! YEAR! OLD! WITHOUT A WAND! I've been working in the porn industry SINCE BEFORE I KNEW I COULD WRITE! I've been supporting my little brothers since the orphanage threw us out for being too awesome when I was five! I do more insane things before dawn than both Weasley twins will ever pull off during their lifespan! Slytherin's fucking BASILISK couldn't kill me when it actually managed to get one of its fangs INTO MY ELBOW! I'm building a harem and so far no one's tried to stop me, even though they know I'm doing it! And now, I HAVE MY BOOMSTICK BACK! This isn't a counter attack, suitcase! Ever since the last time someone I loved was taken away from me, I've never stopped! My whole LIFE since then has been a counter attack! You? You're not even a choice flag event in the eroge of my life! "
In the stands, Hermione sweatdropped. So did a lot of Muggleborns and half-bloods.
Ron frowned. "Hermione, what's an– "
"Ron, trust me, you're better off not knowing," Hermione said.
Ron thought about this. "That bad?"
"Your mother would murder me with a rusty spoon." Hermione assured him.
"Ah. Never mind then."
"Accio lots of dry kindling and wood!" Harry cried. Everyone blinked in confusion at this. 'Lots of dry kindling and wood'? The heck? That didn't seem the sort of thing to be used on a dragon you just so dramatically talked smack to.
There was a rumbling and several truck loads worth of wood from the Forbidden Forest suddenly flew over everyone, scattering dark, dust, pine needles and occasional small mammals and lizards. The wood crashed hard all around Harry, who quickly made a swish-and-flick gesture with his wand. "Wingardium Levi-o-sa!" he cast, causing the wood to all rise once more in front of him, between him and the suddenly wary dragon.
Everyone could see Harry's sudden 1,971,676 Kilonazi grin. "Reducto!" he cried, turning the wood into still-floating clumps of sawdust.
Hermione's eyes bugged out. She'd just realized what was coming. "Oh, my g-"
Harry flicked his wand, sending all the clumps of sawdust flying at the dragon in a suddenly expanding cloud "Incendio!"
The resultant explosion knocked the dragon off its nest.
Everyone stared as Harry casually walked up to the nest and plucked up the Golden Egg tossing it into the air and catching it easily, turning to walk away easily as the still groggy dragon stirred. "SEE!" he called out to Fleur as dragon wrangler suddenly began rushing into the enclosure. "NO CHEATING WITH PASSWORDS!"
"YOU IDIOT!" Hermione cried as she was forcibly restrained from trying to strangle Harry.
Harry pouted. "What, no victory kiss? No hug, even? Used to be you fought a dragon, you marry a princess and get half the kingdom!"
"It's not funny, Harry!" Ron said. "You could have gotten yourself killed!"
"I think the big fire-breathing lizard would have taken care of that just fine without my not having a wand," Harry, grinning. Well, chuckling, actually. "Man, I can't believe that actually worked! I mean, I've messed with sawdust explosions ever since that time we went to a sawmill for a class trip and they showed us how dangerous sawdust and an open flame could be, but WOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!" he threw back his head and laughed and laughed and laughed…
Ginny's bat slammed into his head with the force of an angry girl, which is slightly below that of a vengeful deity.
She shrugged as everyone stared at her. "What? He was clearly getting hysterical. I expect it was losing the robe that did it. Please tell me we don't have to hold a funeral for that thing too…"
"Ginny!" Harry snapped as he clutched at the charred and charcoal-smelling remains of his robe. "Have you no respect for the dead! She hadn't even gotten cold yet!"
Ginny hit him again.
In the end, Harry got a nine from Madame Maxime, another nine from Mr. Crouch and Dumbledore, a ten from Bagman, and a six from Karkaroff. Despite the Bulgarian's rather reluctant score, this put him right in front with Fleur, who scored about a point less than him. Apparently, even the judges weren't immune to the charm of a lovely girl putting herself in danger and getting out of it in a sexy manner.
His friends waited outside as he made his way to the Champions tent. He barely gotten past the tent flaps when he was suddenly tackled by a very nice round, soft, creamy, French girl, who babbled apologetically in her native language.
"Whoa, easy Fleur!" Harry said, laughing easily as he grabbed her shoulders and steadied her so he could look into her eyes. Eye contact was always good for keeping a person grounded, he'd found. "I'm all right! No harm done. See?" he wangled his left hand at her, which was completely unburned.
She began pounding on his chest. "You IDJOT! Never do zat again!" she cried as she struck him the impacts like little puppies batting cobwebs. "If you do, I am owt! I vill not let you get yourself keeled to prove a point!"
Harry nodded. "Right. Never do it again, don't get killed to prove a point, or else you're 'owt'. Got it. But see? I told you I wasn't holding back anything. Do you trust me now?"
Fleur shuddered, and visibly got a hold of herself, finally allowing Harry to stop being distracted by all the sexy to see Cedric and Viktor both looking at him with male renditions of the same 'You idiot! What were you thinking!' looks.
However, all Cedric did was swallow and say, in a low, shaky voice, "Good one, Harry."
"You guys too," Harry said as Fleur stepped back and began dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "That was a pretty good Transfiguration! And great spell Viktor. Teach it to me some time?"
"You are mad," the Bulgarian said succinctly.
"Of course! No one sane could possibly be as wonderful as me!" Harry chirped.
"Well done, all of you!" said Ludo Bagman, bouncing into the tent and looking as pleased as though he personally had just got past a dragon himself. "Now, just a quick few words. You've got a nice long break before the second task, which will take place at half past nine on the morning of February the twenty fourth— but we're giving you something to think about in the meantime! If you look down at those golden eggs you're all holding, you will see that they open... see the hinges there? You need to solve the clue inside the egg—because it will tell you what the second task is, and enable you to prepare for it! All clear? Sure? Well, off you go, then!"
Bagman darted off without waiting for their questions, and the four Champions all stared at each other.
"You know," Harry said dryly, "I have a sneaking suspicion this dragon-thing was his idea. Anyone feel like tossing him into the lake wrapped in an anchor?"
"Tempting…" Cedric said, glancing sideways at Harry.
Fleur sniffed. "And gives zee poor squid indigeztion? I zinks not."
"Ah well, some other time then," Harry said, hefting his egg. "So, same classroom in… oh, Saturday?"
They all nodded.
Harry tilted his head. "You guys didn't look at each other. Finally thinking this might not be such a good idea after all?"
Fleur rolled her eyes, lunged forward and kissed him. "'Arry," she said as she drew back. "You talk too much." She flounced out of the tent.
The three boys stared after her. Harry raised a hand to his lips. "Well. That was strangely… anticlimactic," he said, then grinned. "Clearly, this was not a proper execution of the correct procedure. Repetition is required!"
"Bonkers," Cedric hissed sideways at Viktor.
"Who more insane, the madman, or the madmen who follow him?" Viktor said philosophically.
"Don't remind me…"
They found Harry in a stand off with Luna Lovegood.
"You're not saying Bleep anymore," Luna accused the confused boy.
"Bleep?" Harry said, blinking in confusion.
"Bleep," Luna confirmed. "You're not saying it anymore! You stopped saying it around the time you made that Badass Boast to the dragon."
Harry looked at her blankly. "Girl, I never have, nor do I think I ever will, outside of this conversation ever (Bleep)-ing say Bleep in my life."
"Harry! Language!" Hermione cried.
Harry rolled his eyes.
"Ah, there we are!" Luna said happily. "You're saying Bleep again! Good! It's the only way to tell you apart from all the others like you. They don't say Bleep. I wish I could talk in little yellow boxes."
She skipped away happily, leaving Harry and company staring at her retreating back.
"What. The. (Bleep)?" Harry said. "Why is she wearing a lampshade on her head?"
"Are you sure this school, and not asylum?" Viktor asked Cedric.
"Some days, I ask myself the same question," Cedric sighed.
"I. Hate. That. CAT!" Naruto screamed.
Saskue patted him on the shoulder consolingly and passed him some ramen. The two sulked in brotherly hate of feline-related ninja missions…
- To be continued...
A/N: Having a little trouble getting a handle on Krum, so for the moment he's channeling the Knight of Esperacchius, Sanya. More than a few Dresden trivia in this piece, actually
OMAKE: Summoning Jutsu Auditions 1: Weasels, Ermines and Such
Harry signed his name on his newly-made scroll with a flourish. Using dark, eldritch powers from beyond the universe, he'd been able to make his very own SUMMONING CONTRACT! Which, as everybody knows, is secondly only to funky eye conditions for gaining power, tied right up there with having something sealed in you.
He made the seals. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
Harry stared at the small, white ermine smoking a cigarette that had appeared in front of him. "Yo, aniki!"
Harry's eyebrow twitched. "Who are you supposed to be?"
"Alberto Chamomile's the name, but you can call me Chamo-kun," he bowed. "I'm an ermine fairy."
"Wow, that only sounds partly useless. What can you do?"
"I'm a universe-class panty-thief, capable of taking them while still worn, can find a girl by sniffing her panties within a hundred kilometers, and have the ability to gauge how much erotic power a girl feels for a boy!"
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
"Um, Yuuno Scrya?"
"Any special abilities?"
"Um, I can make shields and other sorts of barriers… and I can heal…"
"Sounds useful! Anything else?"
"Well, I do have this magic pendant. This is Raging Heart, an Intelligent Device of great power…"
"That's a magical girl accessory, isn't it…"
"Oh, no, it's purely a magical item of power"
"It's glowing pink! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out."
"It has a super-powered death-ray function! Several, in fact."
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
A beautiful woman with short black hair, snow-white skin, and a womanly allure appeared, looking confused.
"Definitely in! Man, this Ermine contract isn't half-bad…"
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
"A cape? What the… '100 percent Vermine. Property of Lord Vetinari'? Who's that?"
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
"Um, Yuuno Scrya?"
"Huh? Wait, haven't I already approved you?"
"I'm someone else. Multiverse and all that."
"Huh. Well, what can you do? And it better not be another deathray stick! Sure, it's good, but it's PINK!"
"I just happen to have this hi-tech ring. Which only comes in green, so no pink worries!"
"A-a-a-a-nd what good is that supposed to be?"
"Observe! Ring, create construct: Million Nanohas Emerald Starlight Breaker Rain!"
Harry stared at the Dresden-esque scene of mass destruction
"IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-! IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-! A BILLION TIMES, IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
"Kisame? Where– oh, shit."
Yes, Million Nanohas is something I intend to actually use in another fic very soon. Had to use all my willpower to keep from putting the rest of this in the main fic and making it cannon, though. I have hereby depleted all my Green and am very deeply in the Orange end of the Emotional Spectrum. I want a hamburger. And reviews. And a hundred hamburgers! And a thousand reviews! I want it! I WANT IT ALL! MINE!