Author's Introduction: (As it seems this story will need one) The inspiration for this little series which was written in a relatively short amount of time was – a children's book. And it's not any kids book, it's a Caldecott Honor book. Now when I was a little kid this meant that the book was great – like really great because other kids, and me, voted for it. So when I came into possession of this book and read it over I had a bit of a William Goldman episode and thought "I have to write a fanfiction adaptation of this." And so I did. All characters inserted copyright Gosho Aoyama. General plot and altered names are mine – except the dragon scene; that was neechan. The rest is all mine. Honest.
The Not Stinky Cheese Man
"Damn gun smugglers! Getting caught!" exclaimed a silver-haired man in black walking onto the stage. "How am I supposed to have bullets to kill people with?" He sighed, controlling that second wind that was trying to get out. "No matter. I have some now. Now where is that wretched scientist? How is that foolish detective Mouri helping her? And where is Vodka – he's supposed to be helping me!"
"Whoa, wait a minute – you can't just come in and tell your story right off the bat. The author hasn't even thought of how yours is going to play out yet!"
The man in black turned and looked at the little boy who had been yelling at him, "And just who are you? Are you going to replace Vodka? Unless you'd like another option..." he cocked his gun in his left hand.
"Um no I'm Conan. Edogawa Conan. I'm the Narrator. And I can't help you find that scientist you were ranting about cause I'm helping the author put this little story together. But how about you just sit down over there – backstage – and I'll call you when I need you Gin."
"How the heck do you know my name? How do I know you're not going to try something? I'm sure I've seen you before and you've already heard too much..."
"And so did the author/screenwriter/director/producer whatever, but you don't see her writing you out yet," pointed out Conan, "And it's she who told me."
"I'd kill her before she tried, so tell her to watch it. Or there might go your job too."
"Listen Gin. Forget about killing anyone for the moment. Here comes the rest of the title."
And Other Fairly Stupid Fairy Tales
Once upon a time Pollo Sonoko was walking through a field when something fell on her head. Now she prided herself on being a detective so she thought the first thing she ought to do was to look up. As there was nothing to be seen, she deduced the sky must be falling. What a detective right?
As she was the brightest thing on two legs that clucked a lot, she began running around in circles clucking, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the Prime Minister!"
So as Pollo Sonoko was doing this she ran into the Shonen Duckies.
"Shonen Duckies! Shonen Duckies! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the Prime Minister!"
Always up for an adventure they quacked, "Let's go!"
So Pollo Sonoko and the Shonen Duckies ran into their friend Ganso Makoto.
"Ganso Makoto! Ganso Makoto! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the Prime Minister!"
"Let's go!" he honked.
So Pollo Sonoko, the Shonen Duckies and Ganso Makoto were off and it wasn't soon after until they ran into Cocky Heiji.
"Cocky Heiji! Cocky Heiji! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the Prime Minister!"
Cocky Heiji, always up for adding some prestige to his name, and getting the one up on Kudo, crowed, "Let's go!"
As they were running off, they heard a voice yelling out to them.
"Wait! Wait!" cried out Conan the Narrator as he ran up to them. "I forgot something! I forgot something!"
Pollo Sonoko stopped and looked down at the little boy, "Hey! You're not in this story!"
"I know, I know," snapped Conan the Narrator, "But I came to warn you-"
"Yes! Yes! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" clucked Pollo Sonoko. "We must tell the Prime Minister!"
So they ignored Conan the Narrator and went off to catch a bus to the meet the Prime Minister.
Just as they were about to reach one they ran into Foxy Loxy, called so for her wavy hair and curvy figure, for a fox of course – but she went by another name in fox circles – Vermouth...
"Foxy Loxy! Foxy Loxy! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the Prime Minister!" yelled Pollo Sonoko, the Shonen Duckies, Ganso Makoto and Cocky Heiji.
"Well come with me," Foxy Loxy grinned, "I know a short cut..."
So she led them to her cave. She didn't get to eat them though because Pollo Sonoko was almost right.
The sky wasn't falling.
The credits were.
And they fell and squashed Foxy Loxy in a Wicked Witch of the West fashion.
Written By: Magic Bullet Girl
Based on the Children's Book by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith (all rights reserved and all that stuff.)
Surgeon General's Warning: It has been determined that these tales are fairly stupid and probably dangerous to your health. Should you be visited by a shrunken boy during your waking hours don't say we didn't warn you.
Conan looked at me.
"Are you going to kill off the Black Org in this?"
I looked at him, he seemed to twitch at how my grin seemed very familiar.
"I don't know... maybe."
"So are all of these stories going to be a surprise?"
"Umm there might be a couple..."
"Am I gonna be in one?"
"Fine. Don't tell me. I'll figure it out."
"Oh yes... the great Meitantei Kudo Shinichi."
Conan twitched, "How do you know everything?"
"Figure it out."
-The Princess and the Soccer Ball-
Once upon a time there was a prince – Prince Shinichi. And this Prince's Touchan and Kaachan were a bit elitist. I mean besides being, obviously, King and Queen – the King was a great writer and the Queen was a former actress and thought she was hot stuff even if she was a bit long in the tooth.
("Hey!" called out Yukiko, standing up, outraged. "Who are you calling old?" Yusaku next to her sighed, "No one said you were old just not as young as the new girls." "But Demi Moore is over 40! If she can still have a career so can I!" "And no ones stopping you." Yukiko glared at Yusaku and sat back down. "That's right," he said.)
So along with being elitist they got it into their heads that there would be no princess good enough for their boy unless she could feel a pea under 1000 mattresses. So as this required a very large amount of room, which the kingdom was sorely lacking, it meant that the princess had to sleep outside. In a kingdom well renowned for it's rain.
So as expected, every time Prince Shinichi met a nice girl, his lovely parents would invite the girl over, pile the mattresses on the pea and hand her an umbrella before going inside and turning in for the night.
It was no surprise that the Princess wasn't there in the morning to even say that she slept well and didn't feel the pea.
Not that Shinichi minded much. He never liked the girls his parents had forced him to meet. He preferred the company of Princess Ran. He would usually go visit her or invite her over when his parents were out of town.
As luck would have it, one time they came back early and, "Why God! Why!" cried Shinichi later in private, invited her to sleep over.
Now Princess Ran was not stupid. She had figured King and Queen Kudo were off their rocker when they raised a kid that DID NOT LIE and had told her right off the bat of what his parents did when he met a girl.
But despite those flaws, his family, Princess Ran adored Prince Shinichi, so she put off sleeping over with one excuse or another until the weather for the evening would be clear skies with little chance of rain.
But then came the problem of the pea. Queen Yukiko checked the bags that the princesses brought after that one girl had been discovered with a bowling ball. Princess Ran was not to be denied however and being the determined girl she was, she happily called down good night as they all went back onto the castle.
After waiting an hour or so Ran climbed down the ladder and went over to Shinichi's sports shed and carefully opened it and went in...
"His soccer ball should be somewhere around here..."
"What are you doing?" asked a voice behind her.
She turned startled, like a kid with a hand in the cookie jar but relaxed as she saw Shinichi.
"Oh it's just you."
"What are you doing?" he asked again raising an eyebrow as he leaned against the doorway.
(Whatever Insertion/ Narrator Gripe:
"I don't want to say he looked really good! You're talking about me!" Conan looked at me indignantly. I, of course, smirked in reply and said, "If you're Kudo Shinichi then how can there be a Kudo Shinichi out there." Conan looked at the direction my finger was pointing and then back at himself. "I don't know but I'm not going to read it." Now it was my turn to get mad, "Look narrator, that's your job. Not writing, not deciding what to say or what happens. That's my job. Now if you don't do your job then I can make something really nasty happen to you..." He narrowed his eyes trying to figure out if I was telling the truth. Then he finally spoke, "I don't think you'd have the nerve to do it. I mean, look at me, I'm Conan-kun, no wrong ever befalls Conan-kun, so why don't you take your empty threats and your stupid lines and shove 'em in a lake." I had to laugh a bit at his expression, "Kid, the only reason 'Conan-kun' never gets in trouble is because 'Ran-neechan' is over your shoulder. Where's Ran-neechan now?" Conan nervously looked on stage and cursed. Back to the story.)
Needless to say, Prince Kudo Shinichi looked really good leaning like that, smiling that smile that he only ever gave Ran.
Ran went back to the cookie jar grin and said, "I'm looking for your soccer ball."
"So it's true... great minds do think alike."
"Haha, I'm surprised you're out here. Finally going to lie to mommy and daddy dearest?"
"Who said I have to lie? I'm still a firm believer in 'there's only one truth.'"
"Oh and so how is that going to work out?"
"Well we both know if you pass this test you'll get to marry me. So there's no embarrassment in saying I love you right about now. And the only one truth of this matter is that I want to marry you, and I'm willing to arrange it that you do. How does that sound?"
"Really nice," replied Ran while closing the distance between the two.
The next morning-
"Princess Ran darling how did you sleep?" asked Queen Yukiko as Ran walked in half asleep.
"Terribly. It took me forever to fall asleep and then I kept on waking up. That lump felt as big as a soccer ball." She took a long gulp from a cup of coffee.
Yukiko squealed in delight and proclaimed that Shinichi and Ran would be married within the month.
And they were.
Too bad their wedding present was the mattresses.
"What are we going to do with them? They're in pretty good shape, it'd be wasteful and tactless to throw them out."
Shinichi looked at Ran and grinned, "Then lets see, we can try wearing them out or have our son find his bride by seeing if she can feel a pea through 1000 mattresses. Which sounds like the best option?"
"The former seems like the best," admitted Ran with a light blush to her face.
"All right then."
And so they lived very happily, though through means not entirely honest, ever after.
-The Really Odd-looking Duckling-
Once upon a time there was a mother duck and a father duck who had seven ducklings. Six of them were regular-looking ducklings. But the seventh...
There was just something wrong with the seventh duckling.
He bit his sisters, picked on his brothers... was really mean in general.
And the older he got the meaner he got.
Everyone used to say, "What a nice family... except that one. There always has to be one to ruin the family."
The odd-looking duckling heard all this but he didn't care. Cause one day they'd regret it. He knew one day they wouldn't be able to say anything about him. That when the revolution came they'd be the FIRST ones against the wall!
And eventually the revolution did come - one day during hunting season he'd arranged it so everyone one but him would go boom.
He liked booms, and bangs and the general panic in general.
Well as it turned out, by then he looked really odd-looking. And when one hunter named Gin came upon him ("Gin! That's your cue!" "What do you people want from me!") Gin stopped for a minute and looked at him before he spoke. "You're not a duck. You're a human- that's why you were evil enough to indirectly kill all those ducks."
"I like booms."
"And I know where you can do more," Gin grinned a demonic grin, "Now get out of that pond and start acting like the human you are."
Conan stared at me incredulously, "You just gave Vodka a background... In a fairy tale..."
"In a very stupid fairy tale," I grinned.
"It was more creepy..." Conan replied and shook his head as he walked off.
Just then Gin came up to me, "All right biotch, I want answers now! I want to find that scientist! I want to find who the heck is helping her! And I know you know so you're going to tell me."
"You didn't even ask me a question," I replied with half-lidded glare.
"Where is Sherry?"
"Have you looked backstage?"
"Yes," he grunted.
"Was she there?"
"Then she's not here. And I suggest you just stop method acting for a bit... You're not really evil."
Gin looked at me oddly, "Right..." and went off to join Conan the Narrator at the refreshment table backstage.
-The Other Frog Prince-
Once upon a time there was a frog. This frog's name was Heiji. Being close to the water, he saw very many beautiful princesses swimming in the lake he lived in and eventually could predict what swimsuit a princess would be wearing before she revealed it. He deeply appreciated each princess but there was one that he really deeply appreciated. She was Princess Kazuha.
One day while she was swimming, he landed on a lily pad near her and said in the most pathetic voice he could muster, which came out more annoyed than anything, "Oi, Princess. Um Princess... Hey aho!"
She turned and stared at the frog.
"I wonder if you could help me..." he said in a quiet voice after quivering from her glare.
The princess, unfortunately, ignored the signals in her head telling her to get away (and the advice from her father who had said, "Never speak to frogs.") because she figured that even frogs had problems. These days every body and his imaginary brother had problems.
So she asked, "What could I do to help you?"
"Well," started Heiji the frog, "I'm not really a frog, but a handsome prince who was turned into a frog by a wicked witch's spell. And it can only be broken-"
"By a kiss of a beautiful princess. Yeah, yeah I've heard this before."
She was about to turn away but Heiji cried out, "OH GOD NO! You've got it wrong! It has to be a kiss from an incredibly ugly princess. I thought you fit the bill."
"I'm not ugly!" So she picked up Heiji in her hands and kissed him full on the mouth.
As she pulled away she smirked, "You're not turning back. I'm not ugly. Ha!" And then she threw him over her shoulder...
And was startled as she heard a very big splash behind her.
"I was just kidding you know! Aho!"
Kazuha turned around but then promptly turned back. "Are you saying you lied!"
"I might forgive you... if you get on some clothes soon."
"Oh yeah... sorry!"
"Don't stand up idiot!"
The Now Expected Insertions:
Gin looked at Conan as he sipped his coffee spiked with, of course, gin, "It comes down to a character conflict really. I just want to do my job and of course you don't want to let me."
"So if you didn't do your job-"
"And if you didn't do yours-"
"Then we wouldn't have to kill or hurt each other!" they finished simultaneously.
"You know," started Conan, "I just have to say I wholly appreciate your character's intelligence."
"As I do yours. You know I'm going to feel bad after we're finished with this little job and we have to go back to work on Monday. I don't think I can put my heart into it."
That's when I came in. I stopped for a moment as I looked back and forth between the two. "What the heck are you two doing! When I said drop the method acting I didn't mean completely! You both still have roles to play!"
Conan looked at me, "Slave driver... I swear this is the last time I'm doing something like this."
"You know I know some really interesting ways to get rid of her," whispered Gin to Conan.
"As do I, but you know I could never do anything like that..."
"Come on kid. Get a little back bone," grinned Gin.
Conan at this point was unconvinced of who exactly Gin was looking out for.
"Can you both stop planning my murder and get back to work?" I asked exasperated, "I've had a tough week trying to get enough time to do this and I'd rather not waste anymore of it on these sessions so Conan can you please go out there and start reading out Little Red Running Shorts..."
"I thought we changed it to..."
"Don't say it here! Just get out there!"
-Little Red Running Shorts-
"I think everything should be running smoothly now," started Conan the Narrator. "And from what I've got in front of me this next story should be even better. It's about this girl who runs very fast and wears red running shorts."
"Wait wait!" yelled a voice off stage.
Conan the Narrator turned as the Kaitou Kid came on stage. However he wasn't wearing his usual tux. He was wearing white shorts with a white track jacket.
"What?" asked Conan who fell over as Kid came into view.
"You're going to spoil the story! You're going to say everything that happens and mess up the story!"
Conan raised an eyebrow, "I don't have to because you've already done it for me..."
Just then Hakuba came on stage- except he didn't look like he always did. His hair was covering the area where human ears would go and on the top of his head sat a pair of wolf ears and it looked like there was a tail behind him.
Conan looked at Hakuba inquisitively, "Are those...?"
"Yeah they're real. Akako did them, thought it'd be 'cute'... women. Anyway, Kuroba now you've spoiled it."
"I have not."
"Yes you have," counter the half-brit, "You've shown everyone, before your cue, that you are playing Little Red Running Shorts."
"I'm wearing white... it doesn't tell anyone anything. Besides," Kaito held up a paperback copy of The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Fairy Tales, "If this is adapted from this then the author person was going to have Conan give it away!"
"But that doesn't mean that the audience would know Kid was going to show up in short white running shorts."
"Well I certainly wasn't wearing them for you."
Conan coughed, "Are you guys going to do this or do you feel it's been blown?"
"Well I'm up for it," said Kid, "I'm a good performer."
"Umm, Conan? I think you've forgotten something..."
Conan looked at his watch, "Damn! We're out of time."
"What?" pouted Kid, "No Granny Aoko?"
"I'm sure you'll live," replied Hakuba and then a slight leer came to his eyes, "Besides did you really want to see me eat her?"
Kaito threw him a look.
-The End- we guess...
Mouri Ran looked around as she came on stage.
She looked around and then sat down and mumbled (rather loudly), "Where did that baka run off to now! He was just here a while ago! Should have listened to Kid and handcuffed him to me."
Just then Gin came out, "Sherry? Come out, come out, where ever you are... Oh, who are you?" he asked on seeing Ran who was looking at him with raised eyebrows.
"I'm Mouri Ran, nice to meet you. And you are?"
"I'm bleep bleep. Nice to meet you as well." He paused and looked at her for a moment, "You don't happen to be Mouri Kogoro's daughter. And that girl who was with the late Kudo Shinichi at Tropical Land?"
"Yes... what do you mean late? Shinichi isn't dead! Who are you?"
He then pulled out his gun, "I'd appreciate it very much if you would come with me."
"And if I don't..."
"That's not really an option, and I really feel like narrating a story of my own."
-Kudo's Little Problem-
"Once upon a time," started Gin the self-appointed Narrator, "There was a teenage detective. There were many teenage detectives but none was in the eye of the Black Organization as much as that one. His name was Kudo Shinichi. One day on a date-"
"It was not a date!" interrupted Ran after loosening the gag around her mouth, "We aren't even romantically involved yet!"
Gin glared and put the gag back in place, "As I was saying. One day on a date with his girlfriend Mouri Ran he, of course, solved a murder. A couple of the suspects were two Black Org. members, Vodka and me. He followed us later and saw something he shouldn't have seen."
"Quit spoiling my story!" Gin cleared his throat and continued calmly. "I hit him over the head and he was out of it. Vodka was ready to shoot him but, because I'm the brains of the operation, I pointed out there were too many police in the area because of the earlier incidents. So we tested this new poison that wouldn't be found in the autopsy – called APTX-4869. We were very sure he was dead for a while."
"He's not dead... he was just here..."
"But then I realized it was Sherry who had marked him as deceased. We can't trust that traitor's opinion. So I'm sure he's alive. Heck, the way things are going- he just might be the one helping Sherry, not your father as I suspected."
Suddenly Gin's eyes widened as he felt a sharp prick on the skin exposed around his collar.
"Damn! Who's shooting those anesthetic needles!"
"Conan-kun," gasped Ran as she saw the little boy gasping and scared.
Gin turned, trying to fight off the sleep inducing drug, and gave the not-child a look of pure hate. He pulled out his gun and shot himself in the arm.
"You know it just might be the blood loss or the needles, but I'm starting to think it's very possible that Kudo is Conan..."
Ran looked at Gin in surprise, "You too! I always think so but somehow he always proves me wrong."
"Well of course he can! Besides the Kaitou Kid I'm the only real bad guy that actually matches Kudo – Conan – ahhh crap," trailed off Gin as a soccer ball hit him on the side of the head effectively knocking him out.
Conan then rushed to Ran's side and untied her which, in retrospect, really was a bad idea.
Cause just then she really felt like telling a story...
"Once upon a time there was a girl who loved a Tantei," began Ran, the second-self appointed Narrator, "Trouble was that the Tantei thought it would be better to keep her ignorant of several things and thought it was an even better idea to live in her house under the pretext of little brother."
"I never put that label. That was you..." Conan trailed off after receiving Ran's withering glance.
"Now, as luck and all things go, the Tantei's secret had an expiration date. Which meant that she would find out everything the Tantei had neglected to tell her.
This, following the natural laws of order, meant that the Tantei's safety was about to be compromised because she was the best karate master, under the age of 18, in Tokyo. Heck she posed a good threat to those karate masters over the age of 18. The Tantei would only get one chance to save himself.
And he'd have to do it in a story."
"A story... like no help from the author?" he looked over at the author who sat off stage crying into her ruined script.
"That's right," continued Ran, "And it had better be a good one... or I will beat your head into the ground. And even if it is a good one I'm going to feed you to the wolf."
"Yes the wolf. My Dad. Akako needed a test subject earlier... at least he seems to be getting along with Mom now..."
Once upon a time there was a Tantei. And he loved his best friend that he had known since they were really little kids. But one day he was shrunk into a kid and to protect her from the evil organization behind his shrinkage he didn't tell her. One day she found out and she wasn't exactly thrilled that he had been lying to her the whole time. Especially about how there was no permanent cure to his shrinkage and that the scientist behind it wasn't moving forward in progress to a cure. So she told him, "I WANT AN EXPLAINATION NOW KUDO SHINICHI! AND IT HAD BETTER BE A GOOD ONE OR I'LL BEAT YOUR HEAD INTO THE GROUND! AND EVEN IF IT IS A GOOD ONE I'M STILL GOING TO FEED YOU TO MY FATHER!" So Conan thought, "She'll beat me if I do. She'll be the cause of my demise if I don't. There's only one thing to do..." So Conan took a deep breath and started his story. Once upon a time there was a Tantei. And he loved his best friend that he had known since they were really little kids. But one day he was shrunk into a kid and to protect her from the evil organization behind his shrinkage he didn't tell her. One day she found out and she wasn't exactly thrilled that he had been lying to her the whole time. Especially about how there was no permanent cure to his shrinkage and that the scientist behind it wasn't moving forward in progress to a cure. So she told him, "I WANT AN EXPLAINATION NOW KUDO SHINICHI! AND IT HAD BETTER BE A GOOD ONE OR I'LL BEAT YOUR HEAD INTO THE GROUND! AND EVEN IF IT IS A GOOD ONE I'M STILL GOING TO FEED YOU TO MY FATHER!" So Conan thought, "She'll beat me if I do. She'll be the cause of my demise if I don't. There's only one thing to do..." So Conan took a deep breath and started his story. Once upon a time there was a Tantei. And he loved his best friend that he had known since they were really little kids. But one day he was shrunk into a kid and to protect her from the evil organization behind his shrinkage he didn't tell her. One day she found out and she wasn't exactly thrilled that he had been lying to her the whole time. Especially about how there was no permanent cure to his shrinkage and that the scientist behind it wasn't moving forward in progress to a cure. So she told him, "I WANT AN EXPLAINATION NOW KUDO SHINICHI! AND IT HAD BETTER BE A GOOD ONE OR I'LL BEAT YOUR HEAD INTO THE GROUND! AND EVEN IF IT IS A GOOD ONE I'M STILL GOING TO FEED YOU TO MY FATHER!" So Conan thought, "She'll beat me if I do. She'll be the cause of my demise if I don't. There's only one thing to do..." So Conan took a deep breath and started his story. Once upon a time there was a Tantei. And he loved his best friend that he had known since they were really little kids. But one day he was shrunk into a kid and to protect her from the evil organization behind his shrinkage he didn't tell her. One day she found out and she wasn't exactly thrilled that he had been lying to her the whole time. Especially about how there was no permanent cure to his shrinkage and that the scientist behind it wasn't moving forward in progress to a cure. So she told him, "I WANT AN EXPLAINATION NOW KUDO SHINICHI! AND IT HAD BETTER BE A GOOD ONE OR I'LL BEAT YOUR HEAD INTO THE GROUND! AND EVEN IF IT IS A GOOD ONE I'M STILL GOING TO FEED YOU TO MY FATHER!" So Conan thought, "She'll beat me if I do. She'll be the cause of my demise if I don't. There's only one thing to do..." So Conan took a deep breath and started his story...
Kudo Shinichi looked on from the backstage as Conan was telling Ran a very long, revealing and boring – not to mention repetitive – story. It was no surprise that at that moment he was jumped upon by me.
"Can you please continue narrating while Conan subdues Ran? I already have Kid moving them off stage. Please... we have no one that else that can be trusted around a mike. Aoko might use it to hit Kaito. Kaito will make it disappear. Hakuba might show up later with it sticking-"
Shinichi sighed and stopped me with a wave of his hand, "Just stop. Okay I'll do it. But can you answer me just one thing?"
"Anything!" I said through tears of joy.
"How is Conan over there subduing Ran and I'm over here talking to you when we're the same person?"
I stared at him for a minute, coughed, and gave my reply.
And if he couldn't understand it I'm not going to try it with you people. I did promise him that there would only be one being walking around with both Conan and Shinichi's memories by the end of the show. That seemed to calm him some.
-Aokaito or the Boy that Really Blew It-
Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Aoko. She lived with her wicked stepmother and very evil, ugly stepsisters. These step relatives were not only wicked and ugly – but they also made Aoko clean the house everyday.
One day the local prince – Prince Shinichi – announced that he was holding a fabulous ball (this was before his parents thought of finding a Princess by seeing if she could feel a pea through 1000 mattresses). Everyone was invited.
Aoko's stepmother and stepsisters got all dressed up to go. But, of course, they had made her clean the house that day too, even though she had just cleaned it yesterday – but that was what happened when you lived with hypochondriacs.
And off they left to the ball leaving Aoko, who began to cry after they left.
Just then a knock came on her door.
Aoko opened it and looked at the young man on her doorstep. He wasn't dressed up oddly, it was just that fact that he was really scruffy.
Really really scruffy.
His hair looked like it hadn't been combed a day in his life and he was wearing some ripped material she had never seen before – today it would be called denim – for pants and a worn white shirt.
"Uh... hi!" He smiled warmly at her. As he noticed the tearstains on her face, his expression turned to one of concern. "Umm, are you okay?"
"No!" She pouted, no one had ever asked her that question before. "I got left behind while they went to a ball! And I never get to go out! Or dress nice! Or... or anything!"
"Well... if it helps you're not dressed that bad. And I already can tell you the ball isn't going to be so great. But I know just having someone say that isn't going to change your mind so is there anything I can do? If it helps I can spin straw into gold..."
"I don't think the gold would do much at the moment, unless I felt like leaving but that really isn't an option right now..."
"I can help you – if you can guess my name," replied the clever boy.
Aoko looked at him.
He looked at her wide eyed. "How'd you know?"
"For someone so smart you'd think they'd know when they were wearing a name tag. Especially a 'Hello My name is-' one..."
Kaito looked down at his chest, "So I am. Well then I can help you now!"
He sparked out confetti around him for effect.
"I don't think you can... and besides I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."
"But you already know my name so we're not strangers!"
Aoko looked at him unconvinced, "I think I'm gonna close the door now."
"Wait how about if I prove my worthiness?"
Aoko looked at him carefully. If anything, he was cute, albeit annoying, so she said, "Okay."
When the stepmother and stepsisters came back from the ball they were a bit surprised to find a boy cleaning the stairs instead of the girl they had left behind.
"What's your name?" they asked.
"You have to guess, and if you can't guess it before tomorrow morning you have to let Aoko go with her share of the family fortune."
"And if we do?"
"Then you let Aoko go and I'll stay and clean after you everyday."
Sadly he was still wearing his nametag. (Insert narrator's note: Dumbass!)
The wicked, ugly family then referred to him as Ao-Kaito because sometimes they forgot just who was cleaning up after them.
Fortunately because he was now trapped, Aoko was passed on his gift of being able to spin straw into gold. She made herself very wealthy and one day repaid the idiot who had saved her and eventually married him.
-The Tortoise and the Hare-
Once upon a time (began Shinichi the Narrator) there was a tortoise named Takagi and a hare named Shiratori. Both were in the Forest Police Force. And both were in love with Sato, what she was has now been forgotten. Takagi wasn't slow, just methodical. And Shiratori wasn't exactly fast, just ambitious. It was no surprise that Shiratori was ranked higher in the force than Takagi or Sato. However it was Takagi that worked with Sato on a consistent basis.
One day Shiratori saw Takagi on his rounds and said, "Takagi, you really take your time. I bet in a race to woo Sato I can beat you."
Takagi, not one to lose face during a challenge (even if he did break out in a cold sweat) picked up the gauntlet and so they decided to race as to who could woo Sato faster.
On day 1 Takagi was very afraid of his prospects. On day 14 Shiratori felt that Takagi just might be a threat because of his boyish charms. On day 76 Takagi saved Sato from a wedding arrangement. On day 128 Takagi's marriage proposal failed. (Narrator comment: good try...) On day 167 Takagi almost kissed Sato. On day 198 Takagi thought he'd lose by default because he might be transferred and Shiratori felt that God was still on his side because Takagi couldn't have the courage to say it (an engagement proposal) again. (Narrator note: Come on now...) On day 215 Takagi and Sato ended up on the cover of a wedding magazine. On day 250...
Well let's just say that the competition is still going on – even if Takagi has a bit of a lead.
Not The End.
I looked around. "Finally! The last story! I didn't think it would happen but it did! Thank you Shinichi!"
I turned in horror and saw Ran suddenly up and alert. "Shinichi?"
Conan was still saying his story over and over again and looked nervously in my direction – because Shinichi was cowering behind me.
"There's no Shinichi here Ran! Just Conan... who's still telling his delightful story."
She didn't quite seem to hear me and kinda dozed off again after a second. Shinichi then whispered in my ear it was a bit of a reflex thing she did in her sleep when she heard someone say his name. It sure explained a lot.
"Anyway," continued Shinichi, "You're welcome but I'm looking at this last story and I'm a bit confused..."
"Don't worry about it. It'll work out fine. Trust me..."
"That's what makes me worry."
-The Not Stinky Cheese Man
Once upon a time there was a little old (Narrator's insertion: I stopped as I heard a cough off stage from where a certain someone was going to enter.) –excuse me – a very mature obaasan and a bit of a grump occhan. Their names were Kisaki Eri and Mouri Kogoro. Needless to say that their marriage wasn't exactly great. They fought a lot and hardly ever got along. It wasn't really a surprise that both of them were lonely.
So one day the lady decided to make a man.
She really wasn't sure how to make one so she enlisted the help of the village scientist Ai Haibara, who really was too young to know all she did but no one seemed to question it.
"Haibara-san are you sure this'll work?"
"I'm positive Kisaki-san. Could you please pass the marshmallows?"
It was determined that the best material to make him out of would be gingerbread. So they put little gumdrops for buttons on his icing shirt, marshmallows with blue colored icing would be his eyes. His hair would form in the oven. It really didn't seem necessary to Eri to put pants on the not yet born gingerbread man but Ai insisted that, yes, he would need them.
Ai and Eri eased the gingerbread man into the oven to bake and waited. Soon a crowd had gathered around outside. It wasn't everyday that the village scientist created a man.
Ai looked at her watch, "Another five minutes... I suggest you start thinking of names. It'd be awkward calling him 'Gingerbread man.' There are far too many of those running around the countryside."
So Eri started thinking of names. There weren't very many to go around unfortunately and...
Ai opened the oven.
"OWWW!" came out a shout and the unnamed gingerbread man jumped out just as Eri thought of a name.
"The Not Stinky Cheese Man!"
"The Not Stinky Cheese Man?" repeated Ai aghast at the name given her creation.
"The Not Stinky Cheese Man? Whose that?" asked the Not Stinky Cheese Man.
"You silly!' exclaimed Eri.
And with a raised eyebrow the Not Stinky Cheese Man assessed the situation.
"Well from what I can tell," he looked around the kitchen and down at himself, "You two made me –a ginger bread man - because she's lonely (he pointed to Eri) and are naming me 'The Not Stinky Cheese Man'? I'm out of here. And by the way the name's Akai Shu-"
"It's the Not Stinky Cheese Man!" cried the crowd in front of the house just as Akai was walking out. He couldn't ignore the comments of him looking delicious (Narrator Insertion: where do you come up with this stuff?) and began to run for it.
His spongy light interior helped him while running and propelled him past the crowds, effectively loosing them.
"I'm not saying it..." he grumbled and traveled onward.
Eventually he was able to buy a ski hat to hide his dark chocolate hair – that took some doing – and a coat to hide the gumdrop and icing shirt. But his gingery smell couldn't get past a cow.
The cow's name was Araide. He liked eating grass during the mornings and in the afternoon he would take up that space in the barn that he liked to refer to as his medical office. The sign above the door had a few letters in English. A-U-T-O-M-A-I-L.
"You're a gingerbread man correct?" he called to passing man.
Akai eyed him carefully and entered the barn.
"Who told you I was..."
"There's been word around these parts that there has been a gingerbread man around."
"Well it's not as if you can change that - can you?"
"Umm," began Cow Araide as he looked through some of the folders in his files, "I can give you fingers if that would help."
"Is the density of gingerbread strong enough to take the kick back from a gun?"
"I can make it."
Some 24 hours later Akai Shuichi – the Not Stinky Cheese Man – was sitting up and moving around his new arm, a mix of gingerbread and metal.
"And all this cost was part of my arm. Not a bad deal..."
"Yep," agreed Araide, "I've never tasted better gingerbread. Hope you start thinking about my complete metal body offer."
"No, I think I'll keep my body. I just wanted an arm."
And Akai left without another word.
He didn't even have to run this time. After a quick stop at a nearby shop he was on his way.
By then it was midmorning and the children at the nearby school were at recess.
"Hey!" shouted a little girl, "It's the NOT Stinky Cheeeeese Man!"
The children turned.
Akai froze in his tracks. The children were coming towards him, their hungry eyes looking him over.
"Damn. I didn't want to have to do this." Unwrapping the package he bought that morning, he revealed his newest friend.
And shot out several bullets in the vicinity of the children. Simple warning shots.
He didn't expect the children to start crying.
Or teachers to start coming out.
Or alarms and lights to start going off.
So he ran.
"I'm still not gonna say it..." he muttered to himself as he put a good distance between himself and the school.
Then came a little problem.
There was a river and no bridge within the next 50 miles. He wasn't in the mood to travel 50 miles just to cross a bridge.
He looked around and it didn't seem as if there was any particular way to get across the river without him getting mushy.
"Hello there," said a smooth voice behind him.
He turned and saw a foxy woman poking her head out of the bushes.
He nodded. "What's your name?"
"Jodie Saintemillion. I have a raft. I could steer you across."
He eyed her carefully, "How do I know you're just not after the ginger exterior?"
She gave him a half-lidded stare, "There are more things than sustenance thank you. Climb aboard Akai Shuichi."
They were midway when the wind pushing the raft stopped.
"So what now... Shu."
He looked at her for a moment, "Don't call me that. I don't know. We can wait."
"Well then how about we play cards."
"You're not about to suggest strip poker are you?"
"Oh Shu!" she blushed and gave him a small push.
That was hard enough to push his lightweight over the boat.
Jodie pouted, "Why do they all go that way? Mushy at the first sign of troubled waters..."
Conan looked around back stage as he continued speaking. This was going to get difficult.
He stopped talking.
Ran started turning over on her futon.
Conan ran to his dressing room and locked the door behind him.
Shinichi was already locked in his on the other side of the stage.
Within seconds Ran was standing in front of Conan's pounding down the door.
"Shinichi! You come out of there!"
Inside Conan took a sharp breath and didn't hear the conversation going on outside.
"What's going on Mouri-san?" asked Akako who just happened to be walking by.
"It's Shinichi! He's Conan! He lied! And he's stuck as a child!" Each exclamation was emphasized by a pound on the door.
"Is he really? How cute! What are you planning Mouri-san?"
"Eh?" Ran looked at Akako confused.
"Pay her no mind," commented Wolf-Hakuba as he joined Akako.
"Umm, Ran-chan," called out Kazuha from the other side of the stage, "Shinichi-kun's over here."
Ran stopped and turned around, not noticing the smile on Hakuba and, especially, Akako's face.
On the other side of the stage Heiji held back a smirk as he held Kazuha in his arms, both of them watching Shinichi stumble out of his dressing room and onto the stage where Ran stood frozen watching him come to her.
"Hi Ran," he said a little breathlessly.
"Shinichi... is that really you?"
"Yeah, it's me. Just me."
"Really? Cause I was kind of thinking both you and Conan were running around."
"Nope, though that would be interesting wouldn't it?"
They looked at each other for a few moments. That is until Ran asked, "So are you just going to stand there and look at me?"
"No. But that is a nice option. However, as nice as that might be I'm compelled to act out something from-"
In the racks above the stage were Aoko and Kaito watching. With a little magic from the two of them, the stage and its actor's clothes were transformed.
"Once upon a dream," finished Shinichi.
And he pulled Ran to him and placed a kiss on her lips.
"I found the scientist! I've found that damned Kudo Shinichi! And they're both about to die!"
Everyone looked center stage left and gave Gin a half lidded stare – that turned to one of concern as soon as they noticed that he had Ai in his clutches.
"Umm Akako!" called out Shinichi, "Where's that sword of truth and that shield of virtue? I could really use one of those."
"Coming right up!" (If you hadn't guessed, Akako had been working the prop department the entire time.)
Gin looked around as he realized he was both outnumbered and unarmed besides a small handgun – the rest had mysteriously disappeared earlier.
Not that that scared him.
"Now you get to deal with me o Tantei, and all the powers of the Black Org."
"I don't think that's going to happen. Meet my little friend."
They all turned to the figure standing behind Ran and Shinichi (center stage right) who was armed with a very nice looking shot gun.
Too bad Gin was never the type to be intimidated by taking a few shots to his chest.
He took a swig from a flask, held a lighter to his mouth, and exhaled.
He looked like a fire breathing dragon.
Would have been a lot funnier if the curtains hadn't caught fire.
Or if Gin hadn't turned into a real dragon.
Shinichi ran forward and pulled Ai out of the way as Gin was transforming. It put him in the line of fire so it was very understandable that Ran shouted in concern.
Akai cursed and threw aside his gun knowing it wouldn't be of any use to him.
Shinichi deposited Ai into Jodie's arms and rushed forward to battle Gin.
Even Kaito was unsure how the entire stage suddenly disappeared, they were all outside of a castle, and Shinichi and Gin were fighting on a cliff before them. Akako lifted her hands up into the air to show that she had done nothing. (Author Insert: Hehe.)
Ran had to be held back by Heiji and Kazuha as she watched Shinichi be pushed closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Gin did not take too kindly to the blow landed on his snout and gave Shinichi a good dose of fire in retaliation.
Shinichi used his shield to protect himself but the force of Gin's fire was too much and the shield went over the edge.
"Okay. From what I've learned about fairy tales, and fairly stupid fairy tales is that they can be combined with anime plots to create great stories. This fairy tale is Sleeping Beauty so... where's that fairy!" called out Shinichi as waited for Gin's second attack.
Akako grinned and the next thing Kaito knew was that he was flying up to Shinichi's sword and saying, "O mighty sword fly swift and sure so evil dies and good endures!" while powering up the sword.
The next thing Gin felt was the sword lodging itself into his heart.
"Damn it. Vermouth warned me this was gonna happen one day."
Shinichi dodged Gin's last-ditch effort of an attack and watched the beast tumble down the cliff to his death.
Down below on the safe side of the cliff everyone was cheering and cheered even louder when Ran jumped into Shinichi's arms, grateful for his safe return.
And so with the worst of the last Black Org Members defeated, everyone could more or less live happily ever after... except Yukiko who never got over the fact that she was called or considered old.
I mean it.
That's the end.
There isn't anything more...
Shinichi isn't going to be turned back into Conan.
We're not going to hear the about time Kaito cried Cow-Patty or anything...
So stop reading.
I mean it.
If you don't stop reading you'll be visited in person by the Not Stinky Cheese Man and his little friend.
Now you've asked for it...
Yeah I was lying, we probably will hear about the time Akako found out what it was like to tell stories for 1001 Arabian Nights...
But don't tell the people who stopped reading.
It's their fault for being gullible.
Real Author's Note: A few points- the repetitive story was supposed to have a shrinking size which was part of the joke in the book. I'm sorry that Fanfiction's font does not allow for this. I had a lot of fun writing this and can't wait until I do the next one. I'm sorry that a lot of the other characters couldn't have been included more but I had to include as many as I could in at thetime and some people just lacked some of the comedic skills required for their roles- others like Kogoro wished for time off. As you can plainly see Gin, Shinichi and Ran filled the requirement for comedic timing perfectly. That's for reading and please review... I have to pay these guys somehow- and I can't just give Gin my head... Until again people!