Summary: "Seriously? I signed up to be a kunoichi, not a STRIPPER!" SasuSaku, various other pairings
Doing the Unthinkable
Chapter 1- All Questions and No Answers
"Our relationship with the Grass Village is being strained by possible threats–"
"Due to a noticeable increase in terms of rogues and thievery over the past few months, they have now tightly secured their borders with an unprecedented amount of sentinels guarding the entry–"
"As of late, their economy has been suffering and inflation has reached its all time high–"
"If we do not act soon and help them regain their status, it is possible that other countries will attempt to overthrow the ruler and take advantage of the unfavorable situation–"
The clock had finally stuck noon when Hatake Kakashi slumped into his seat and allowed himself the leisure of resting his head against the wooden table. He didn't even bother to understand the political gibberish they fired to each other at rapid speed for the past two hours. The shortly informed meeting that took place had turned into a heated debate –one he purposely tried to stay out of.
"Under no circumstances are we to allow our–"
"However, in times of war, heavens forbid, we will have to develop an offensive ploy of some sort in order to ensure the safety of the citizens and of Konoha–"
His hooded eyes begged for sleep as he tried to keep them open, blocking out all trains of thought. He noticed the promising rays of golden sunlight filtering through the drawn blinds and tinted Plexiglas windowpanes. The sticky residue from the previous night's storm had evaporated under cheery blue skies, trees billowing softly to the blustery melody, rows of flower left shinning with morning dew. The conference room –a sprawling mahogany table encircled with only the most prestigious and elite representatives of the country– had grown quiet, the occasional brushes of feet and murmurs outside the soundproof door swallowed by the droning ventilation.
Their endless rambling, which he had no idea why he was even summoned for (perhaps to charm them with his looks and grace more so than wits?), was something he could care less of.
And just when that train of thought struck across, he heard a deep, resonating voice echo.
"So… what do you think of our proposal, Kakashi?"
One eye cracked open.
"Do you agree or disagree? I'm sure your opinion will be valued and taken into consideration, Kakashi," an old lady with graying hair said with casual ease, almost mockingly. A pair of silver rimmed glasses remained perched on her nose, glinting with dark intentions.
Another man, snuggly fit (almost too generous of a term) in a double-breasted pinstriped suit, nodded in agreement. "That's right. I haven't heard a peep from you, Kakashi-san. I'm curious to see your say in this matter. I was beginning to think that you were only made of sticks and bones…"
The silver-haired ninja made an inward grimace. Why don't you lose thirty pounds before I give you my opinion, idiot.
"Ah… you see…"
He gulped, breaking out into a rare sweat.
Fixing his eyes around the room, he made careful note of the environment…or rather the death contraption. The door was far out of his reach to escape, the windows were specially sealed with chakra to ensure no disruptions, and he forgot to arm himself with weapons should he have to get a little rough and dirty with them.
He snorted at how the most unlikely chance of that happening totally happened.
Because ninjas go around town ready to fight without kunais and scrolls. Yeah.
Score one for Kakashi!
The situation was made no better when Tsunade-sama, who sat at the very end of the table, blatantly cleared her throat and gave him her patented glare, honey brown eyes boring into his.
You better find a way to get your pathetic ass out of this one, Hatake.
He paused and deliberately thought for a minute.
Straightening out, he turned to face the cold and calculating eyes of the most powerful and influential figures of the world. They were merciless, but smart…incredibly smart to corner the poor, poor lamb. Damn masochistic lions. If it was one thing Hatake Kakashi –the legendary son of White Fang, the renowned copy nin of 1000 techniques, the man sought after in hundreds of bingo books, the student of the Yondaime– was bad at, it was lying.
He was actually one of the best liars, especially when it involved anbu recon missions, but this? Kakashi couldn't take this situation seriously.
"Well…" Kakashi grinned sheepishly beneath his mask and ran a hand through a messy mop of silvery hair.
Deep breath in.
A fake, cheery smile cracked beneath his navy blue mask.
And out…to the grave.
"I'm sorry but I'm really turned on right now and cannot provide an appropriate answer."
And then a blood vessel twitched on Tsunade's forehead.
"Kakashi," she growled lowly, "you have three seconds to get out of this room before I BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!"
He raised an eyebrow. "I take it I should run now?"
"Why not KILL YOURSELF WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!!"
Ten minutes later and twenty-two fatal fractures, death had descended upon the heavens as daylight began to break out across the cheery blue skies everywhere else.
"I cannot believe you –"
"Had the audacity and nerve–"
"To disrespect me–"
"And make me look like such a fool–"
"In such an important conference that–"
"Could possibly ruin my reputation with the other nations, for good."
Lots of blood.
She locked Kakashi in an iron, vise-like grip and then lifted him up by the collar, waves of danger rolling off her body.
"T-Tsunade-sama," the copy ninja coughed out, flailing his arms and legs childishly. His vision began to blur as a result, only able to detect the faint glow of bluish-green chakra pumping near his neck.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now!" she barked angrily in his face, shaking his body violently until it resembled a flattened pancake. "And it better be damn good!"
He sweatdropped, praying that there was a God out there watching over him. Hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned. And this was exactly why he was not married. He cringed at the thought of Jiraiya's history with the Godaime during their hormonally driven, teenage days.
The lack of sleep due to his late night arrival from his weeklong A-ranked mission had left him weary on his toes. Tsunade's legendary beating wasn't leaving his physical state on a better note. This certainly wasn't the honorable death he had imagined or wanted…
However, God apparently answered his prayer as a young, black-haired assistant came rushing into the scene with stacks of manila folders overflowing in her arms.
"Tsunade-sama!" she interrupted breathlessly, but then immediately shrieked at the sight of Kakashi hanging in midair by an arm belonging to no other than her senpai. "Aiiieeee! What's going on here?!"
The blonde Sannin let out a frustrated tch before reluctantly dropping him onto the paneled floors, clicking her heels as she walked to face the windows. The Jounin fell squarely on his butt and let out a sigh of relief as he scrambled to the farthest corner.
"I'm just settling out a problem. One that will never happen again," she uttered gravely before returning her undivided attention towards her subordinate. "Anyways, what is it, Shizune?"
The now identified woman, Shizune, gave a quick bow. "The elders loaded me with new missions." She scuttled towards the desk and placed the towering stack on it. "Possibly hundreds," she added.
"Out of all of them, there's one particular assignment that I found interesting."
She raised a golden eyebrow. "Continue."
"Well, a local bar slash club has recently opened up down near the Yakimo river. Their normal batches of partygoers include quite some names that will spark an interest in you. Here, see for yourself."
Shizune handed over a matted report, meticulously detailed with names, background information on the owners, the history, and pictures to dress up the sheets of loose-leaf papers.
Tsunade accepted it with an extended hand and began scanning its contents. Her eyes flickered over the colorful display of images, absorbing their profiles and analyzing for any vital statistics. She stopped at a certain point and studied the paper even closer, her concentration narrowing on a certain subject.
She looked up to see Shizune's pretty, heart-shaped face glow in practical excitement.
"Saito's son, Saito Kiyoshi!"
"Kiyoshi…as in the nin from the Wind Village who kidnapped and raped several girls last year, only to be found missing?" Kakashi asked calmly from the background, cracking his back.
"Hai," Shizune answered.
Tsunade closed the folder and filed it into her cabinet. "That cowardly bastard…" Her eyes hardened at his name. "I'm glad you found him, Shizune; he's been in hiding for awhile. Tch, men and their alpha male complex. About time he showed his face."
"That will soon be crushed to pieces!" Shizune shouted passionately.
"And no longer recognizable!" Tsunade cheered at the thought and out of nowhere downed a bottle of sake. Screw policies –it was a rough day indeed and hell, she definitely deserved a much needed break. She offered her assistant a shot and she, to Kakashi's surprise, grabbed it meagerly. "To the power of violence of women!"
Shizune clinked her glass to the toast and laughed. "To the power of violence and women!"
Kakashi stood there awkwardly at their sadistic plans of pummeling the poor man into pieces. So violent…and since when did Shizune ever drink?
"STUPID MEN/BOYFRIENDS AND THEIR BIG ASS EGOS AND STUPID TESTOSTERONE AND RETARDED BRAINS. LIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE NAMED GENMA! UGH!" Shizune shouted, downing the drink in one neat shot.
Oh, well that explained everything.
Deciding it was best to leave the scene before enduring two completely smashed women and their degrading speech about how much men suck, he crept near the door on his tip toes.
"Ah, the path of life is calling me! So sorry, ladies, I would gladly join you. Maybe some other time. Have a fine day!" With his hand on the knob, he was ready to exit the premise when her stony voice caused him to retract in all movements.
"As for you Kakashi, I will decide on your punishment later today. Don't get you'll get off so easily. I'll send for someone to fetch for you, so it's useless to hide from me. Got it?"
She gave one last look before ignoring him with a turn of head.
"Hai, hai. Ja ne!"
He disappeared in a poof of smoke faster than he had ever run to the bookstore for his beloved Icha Icha series.
Both women paused before exchanging giddy glances, bathing in their drunken glory.
"Interested in a drinking contest, Shizune?"
Shizune slumped on the table and gave a sleazy grin before barely passing out. "Bring it on."
Happy hour got a helluva lot happier.
"Naruto. I am giving you ten seconds to shut up. If not, my fists will be doing all the talking and you can later thank me later while you cry over your balls, or rather, lack of."
She gave an eerie saccharine smile, her emerald eyes glinting.
Naruto cringed at the sight. Haruno Sakura, his teammate for the past four years, was probably the smartest, sweetest, strongest, and prettiest girl he came to knew, besides Hyuuga Hinata, obviously.
She was hot. Searing emerald eyes that glistened under the sun and radiated warmth, distinct pink hair, a killer laser smile with soft shelled lips, and curves that filled in the right places –yup, definitely hot.
He also admitted to the fact that she was scary as hell.
But he wouldn't dare say that to her face because he wanted to live, and goddamnit, being a future Hokage meant being alive and able to breathe and function by using his brain.
(Not that he had much IQ left from the sodium intake of ramen.)
"Fine. But it's only 'cause I love you, Saku-chan!" The blonde gave a cheeky grin and then decided to mope around for the remainder of time. He glanced at Sasuke through his peripheral vision, his frown only deepening as each and every second passed.
The three of them had agreed to meet at the old Team 7 bridge in their usual gloomy style. Although they knew Kakashi wouldn't show up for a good two hours or so, it was out of habit to arrive at such a fashionable time. Sasuke, thankfully, was done with his two-year lock down/probation and had propped his elbows against the rails in his usual Uchiha I'm-far-more-superior-and-holier-than-thou manner, the red motif resting neatly on the back of his white kimono collars. And Naruto was still…Naruto.
"Mou, I have a question, Sakura-chan."
She turned around and gave him a sweet smile. "What is it?"
It was then the raven-haired teen closed his obsidian eyes. Whatever would come out of the dobe's mouth would result in an immediate black eye.
"Who let you out of your house with your hair like that?"
He was right as always.
A vein pulsed.
The sad part was that the blonde boy wasn't being remotely funny. It was an innocent question. Didn't friends help out other friends in times of need? Wasn't honesty the best policy? However, a certain pink-haired girl was looking at the picture differently.
Sakura channeled a good amount of chakra into her fist and aimed it at his head, sending him flying across the bridge with her all too inhuman strength.
"ITAI!" he whimpered, clutching his head.
"Naruto!" she scolded, tightening her stone white knuckles. "It is 9 A.M. I only had three hours of sleep. My damn apartment neighbor a floor above me used up all of the hot water and left me freezing to death in the shower. My hair dryer broke," her voice grew hard at the last reference, the static frizz being enough proof for the story, "I burned my hand making breakfast this very fine, early morning, and it basically tasted like inedible crap. So if you can please be quiet for a few minutes before I pull through my initial threat? I really wasn't kidding when I said I'd basically castrate you and that you'll be hobbling down the street due to intense pains near the abdominal region. And I'm not talking about period aches. I'm talking about sustaining major crotch injuries."
Kakashi gave a hearty sneezed and blinked twice. He felt a cold shiver run up his spine. Somehow resuming back to his Icha Icha tactics felt odd, as if déjà vu was happening all over again to some poor lad out there in the world.
He was glad that his manhood was still in one piece.
Naruto laughed weakly and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. Goddamn –that punch seriously hurt, no kidding. "Sakura-chan! Gomen, gomen. I'll treat you to Ichiraku's this week to make it up! Dattebayo!"
"Oh, Naruto." Sakura couldn't help but manage a giggle. Hating him for more than five minutes was near impossible. "Save that for Hinata-chan. She deserves it."
The Kyuubi wielder looked up, completely confused. "…Hinata-chan…? How did she get into this conversation?"
She smacked her forehead. Kami help me with his densely thick brain!
Sasuke gave his trademarked smirk, borderline sneer.
"Oi, teme!" Naruto hollered, glaring at him. "What's so funny? The fact that you finally realized you're gay?"
He raised a dark, aristocratic eyebrow and folded his arms neatly across his chest. "Dobe, if you haven't realized that Hinata likes you, you're more idiotic than I credited you for."
The blonde's eyes widened. "She…likes me?"
Sakura simply shook her head.
"Well why didn't she tell me and–… I…hey! Stop bringing Hinata-chan in this!" He then receded back into his childish pout. "And I am not an idiot if I know your sexuality and you still don't."
"Hn. Act like your age, dobe. We're not twelve anymore."
Naruto rolled his eyes as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Why don't you try dressing like you're seventeen, teme? That purple ass-ribbon really isn't flattering."
Sakura stifled a giggle.
The Uchiha heir merely scoffed. "You're one to talk to, captain orange pants."
"Who put a stick up in your ass today? This, my friend," he pointed down to his attire proudly, "is fashion at its best. Comfort, maximum elasticity, and style all in one. The ultimate ninja gear made in history."
Had he added the Gai pose –the flashing ping! teeth, the dramatic sunset/water splashing against the cliffs, the green eyesore spandex, and the (horrifically) trademark thumbs up– the roseate haired girl would have puked the contents of her breakfast in a heartbeat.
Sasuke grunted and closed his charcoal hooded eyes, as if he could really care less. "Pathetic."
"Let me give you a personal rundown of how this outfit works, then!" In a blur, Naruto descended into the air, hovering over him by a good ten feet. A grazing shadow darted across and gained momentum, ready to crash down.
In a flat second his eyes flashed crimson, both piercing red orbs detecting the next move. Planning a counter-offensive, he effortlessly parried off the full-blown kick and pivoted his body, legs sweeping across the grounds in a circumference. Naruto clenched his fists from the close hit and aimed a few punches, continuing his pattern from left to right with incredible speed.
They always seem to find an excuse to be the shit out of each other…Sakura noted to herself exasperatingly, observing their battle from a distance with a wary glare that could burn holes.
Their breathing became heavier as Sasuke kept on evading the oncoming barrages of fists, elevating his knees and trying to kick him in the stomach. But it was futile as the blonde distanced himself a few steps back, panting.
"Tired?" Naruto managed to ask, winded.
He stood there tall and firm, trying to conceal his growing fatigue, but Sakura and anyone else would easily be aware of his chest shifting up and down. After a moment of stillness, he said, "Heh. I was about to ask you the same, dobe."
"Rusty, Sauce-gay?" Gales of laughter tore from his throat, including Sakura. She couldn't hold it in for a second time.
The Uchiha prodigy glared, especially at Sakura. Damnit, she was supposed to be on his side!
(Wasn't true love supposed to do that?
After being on probation for two years after his incarceration, his skills were only put to use for low ranked missions that usually consisted of simple tasks: helping out the farm, finding missing cats –namely the one that kept on running away from Tora or whatever her name was– and other pointless responsibilities until he earned his trust back from the elderly council. His most fatal jutsus were sealed (which completely sucked because he was not as…manly) and today was actually his first day of freedom. He wanted to make the most of the day after being restrained for so long, which included beating the crap out of Naruto. Even though he was out of shape, he would never refuse a challenge.
The two began to dig their toes into the earthen soil, gaining momentum as chakra began to take form. At first they ran lightly, but increased their speed as they closed in. Clumps of energy sparked into the morning dew, the sun barely raised above the chalky clouds.
"A thousand years of pain!"
Sakura instinctively closed her eyes and tried to save herself from bursting out in a fit of hysterics.
The hell does that idiot think he's doing? Sasuke mentally deliberated as he formed hands seals for his Katon: Housenka no Jutsu.
Just as the two were about to collide and cause massive damage to a certain male anatomy, the genjutsu master decided to intervene, knowing that things would get ugly.
"If you guys don't stop, I will smashy-smashy both of your asses so bad that you won't be able to move for a week!"
The rivals immediately halted, noticing the evil stare they received. Naruto shuddered at thought. Sasuke merely discharged a grunt of submission.
Dignity was on the line. So were their faces.
Sasuke really wanted to keep his handsome face...handsome.
"Great!" She clapped her hands ceremoniously. "Now let's just dwell in this lovely moment of silence, ne?"
Which would obviously be never.
"I would've smoked you, dattebayo! Then you guys could've played doctor, if you know what I mean," Naruto winked suggestively.
"Naruto!" Her face turned bright red as the Uchiha tried to play it cool (though…was that a blush?). "DIEEEEEEE!"
Before her fist made a solid blow to his ego and face, a gray poof of smoke filtered into the area. She paused midway and looked up dazedly to see a mop of fluffy white hair emerge from the clearing –no doubt their sensei resting on the edge of the bride, sitting in his usual cross-legged position.
"Kaka-sensei! You're late!" both Sakura and Naruto bellowed in harmony, eyeing him with a half-hearted glower. Four years of constant tardiness didn't prepare them for nothing, after all.
"Yo!" He put up his normal pretense, the charlatan grin outlined under his navy mask, his voice a notch too bubbly for his standards. But astonishingly, they were buying it every step of the way.
Sakura jokingly gave a sigh of relief with a smile. "You had me worried there!"
"Mhm." The teacher returned her smile wryly as his student decided to move onto more interesting topics with Naruto.
Sasuke raised his eyebrows and leaned against the rails. Unlike the rest of them, something felt inexplicably wrong. The first sign became apparent –he didn't rattle off his classic 'I got lost on the road of life' line, nor did he oppose Naruto and Sakura's typical accusation with some far-fetched idea. However, he, as usual, settled in with the silence, his smoldering eyes partially open.
"Anything new, Kaka-sensei?" the blonde asked.
"Not that I know."
"What'd you eat for breakfast?"
"Can you stop responding with one worded answers?"
"What are you doing right now?"
Kakashi grew tired with this little session of 20 Questions and Answers. He merely flipped a page and ignored the blonde's question.
Dimwit over there didn't exactly notice the vibe and so continued.
"Oi, Kaka-sensei! What are yo–"
"Kami!" Sakura rolled her eyes in the most obvious fashion. "I think it's pretty obvious he's reading! Stop bothering the poor man and leave him to his porn and perverted fantasies."
"God, Sakura-chan. I was just trying to make conversation with oji-chan."
"Well do it on your own time so we don't have to listen to it becau–"
Naruto looked right past his teammate and squinted. Maybe his eyes were deceiving him, but did Kakashi just…twitch? Naruto grinned and sidled up next to him.
"You know what I just realized? You've been tired lately from simple missions. Are you getting that old already, grandpa?"
The silver haired ninja glanced at him sideways and finally put down his book. Enough was enough. There's a line people just don't cross on certain sensitive topics and Naruto decided to Rasengan his way over it.
"I mean, seriously, I think you're losing your coolness, sensei."
"First, stop calling me sensei. I am no longer your instructor, but as your teammate seeing the three of you have been promoted to Jounins. Second of all, I'm not old. I'm thirty-two. If Tsunade-sama, who's probably 105 for all I know, can still fight, I'm sure I can pull a few tricks out of my sleeve too."
Sakura looked rather peeved. "Hey! Tsunade-shishou is not 105, you ass!"
"Whatever. I was just making an educated guess. Though I'm sure I'm not far off the mark." He patted her head with crinkled eyes while she fumed over the offense.
"I hope karma has its way with you today, sensei!" she grounded out. "It will, trust me!"
Her call was answered when a breathless tone pierced the air.
Slowly we craned his neck to see a man near his age, garbed in the traditional sage vest and black slacks. The man's hair was rumpled and his shirt was creased. A bright red slap mark was imprinted on the right side of his cheek. The body odor wafting into the air seemed to reek of brooze, even though they were a good ten feet across from each other. Kakashi's beady eyes trailed down to see the man's hand holding a box of empty sake bottles.
"You didn't happen to drink by any chance, did you?" Kakashi asked slowly, wrinkling his nose.
"No, sir. This is Tsunade's. She was drinking more than usual today. I was ordered to recycle these."
Kakashi winced at the mention of her name, thinking back to the incident that only happened some few hours ago. I wonder why. He sighed. Well, at least he didn't ask for him to–
"And also, I'd like to request you and your teams presence to her office immediately. She is in no mood to wait, I can assure you," he said tiredly, referring to the forming bruise on his face, "so you guys better hurry up before I get my ass busted. She was muttering something about you, Kakashi-san."
Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto looked at their sensei with a blank expression, and then back to each other. What was going on here?
Sighing, he proceeded to head towards the tower wordlessly, his once young, somewhat innocent and meager students trailing behind like lost puppies.
It seemed that he owed an explanation to both of them. Big time.
A/N: So I totally revamped this story after 3 years of hiatus haha. Summer's here and there's no excuse for me this time! Anyways I hope you enjoyed this update -er, fixed chapter...whatever you want to call it. And hopefully I improved after not writing for what seemed like years. I also updated my other stories and am in the middle of fixing all of them so check it out after.
Mr. Review wants his buttons poked! Much love as always.