Miss Scarlet-- Miss Miyako
Mrs. White--Mrs. Sora
Mrs. Peacock--Mrs. Mimi
Mr. Green--Mr. Tai
Professor Plum--Professor Izzy
Colonel Mustard--Colonel TK
The Cook--Chef Matt
Mr. Boddy-- Mr. Iori
J. Edgar Hoover/Jehovah's Witness--Angemon
Author's Notes: Remember Clue, the board game? There's
also a movie. If you've seen it before, you will
immediately realize that this will be an exceptionally
strange fic, substituting the digidestined (and the
angel digis) for the characters. If you haven't, go
buy it. It's hilarious. On the tape there are three
endings. I will use only one and leave you to wonder
if it's the real ending or not. That'll prompt you to
watch the movie. This is set when the youngest, Iori,
is 18. Fix the other "children's" ages as you wish.
Everyone is American, because there's no other
explanation. On to the disclaimer:
Disclaimer: I do not own Clue in any form, or Digimon
in any form. I write things like this because of my
insane Muse, Casia.
Starring the Digidestined
It was a dark and stormy night, as most murder
mysteries begin. The year was 1954; the place was New
England. A car swerved into a driveway. Ken Ichijouji,
dressed all in black, leaned out and unlocked the
gate. As he stepped out of the car, a Gabumon snarled
at him. He sneered. 'Wait until I get through with you
idiots...' Ken threw two bones at the doghouse. The
other Gabumon ran out; the first Gabumon jumped on top
of him. Ken started for the door, then looked at his
shoe. He shot an evil look at the Gabumons and wiped
his foot on a shoe scraper.
Ken walked down the Hall to the Kitchen, where a blond
man was sharpening knives. "Hello, Chef Matt," Ken
said. Chef Matt spun around, pointing a knife at Ken's
"Dinner will be ready at 7:30."
Ken blinked, cleared his throat, and left, muttering
something about "dumb blondes."
In the Library was a young lady in a very short black
dress, brown hair piled on top of her head. Ken
entered. "Kari, is everything all right?"
"Yes, Ken," she answered as he turned off the music.
"Very well. You have your...instructions."
The doorbell rang.
PAUSE Kari: Wait a minute! Who am I?
Tuqei: Yvette, the maid.
Kari: Then am I going to die?
Tuqei: That's for me to know and you to shut up about.
As Ken left to answer the door, Kari sniffed and
checked her shoes.
Ken opened the door. "Hello, and you are Colonel TK."
Colonel TK shook his head as he stepped in. "No, my
Ken held up a hand. "Tonight you may well be obliged
for the use of an alias."
As soon as Ken turned to put away Colonel TK's coat,
the colonel checked his shoes.
"Please come into the Library," Ken invited.
PAUSE TK: Why am I Colonel Mustard?
Tuqei: You'll see.
Kari: Probably for the same reasons that I'm Yvette
and Ken's the butler.
TK followed Ken, saying, "Who are you, sir?"
"I'm Ken, the butler."
Kari smiled and poured TK a brandy as the doorbell
rang. Ken left and closed the door behind him.
"Oh, Ken--" TK started to say. He stopped, facing a
solid wall of books.
A young woman with reddish hair stood there, dressed
in black with a veil over her face. "And you are Mrs.
Sora," Ken said.
"Yes," Mrs. Sora said. "Is Mr. Tai here?"
"Not yet, although I believe you will recognize our
He led her to the Library, and introduced her to
Colonel TK. When she saw Kari, she flinched.
Sora: Shh, wait and see.
Tuqei: That's it! No more pauses!
Ken grinned. "I see you know each other. This is Kari,
Out on a lonely road, a young lady checked her car,
which had stopped. Another car stopped. "Need a lift?"
the man inside asked.
"Please!" she cried. 'Another minute and I would have
started glowing like Kari!'
She climbed into the passenger side. "I'm late for
dinner," she said.
"I as well. To where are you bound?" the man asked.
She opened a letter. "Hill House, off Route 41."
"Let me see that...that's where I'm going! I got a
memorandum like this!"
She looked confused, for multiple reasons.
Meanwhile, Ken introduced "Mrs. Mimi" to TK, Sora, and
Kari. A strange-looking hat was perched on her pink
hair. He left to answer the door again.
The two Gabumons were barking at a young man with
unruly brown hair. "Ah, Mr. Tai," Ken said. "SIT!"
"Not you, sir."
"I'm Mr. Tai. Is this the place to meet...Mr. Iori?"
"Yes, it is. Come along, and wait with the others in
The door closed just as the car pulled up. The man
inside opened his door, put up the umbrella, and ran
around to the other side to shelter the lady, who
shrieked as they ran toward the house and rang the
bell. The man touched her back. She rolled her eyes as
Ken opened the door yet again.
"Miss Miyako!" he exclaimed. "And Professor Izzy! I
didn't realize you were acquainted!"
"We weren't," she said, entering in a blue dress that
fully showed off her "features".
Miyako: That's disgusting!
Matt: Why are you subjecting us to this?!
Tuqei: It could be worse. I could be doing "Coyote
Just as everyone had been introduced, there was a
clatter as Chef Matt struck a gong. Tai's glass of
wine spilled all over Mimi, who glared at him.
"Ah," Ken said, in his unusually calm voice. "Dinner.
Follow me to the Dining Room, where I believe you will
find your names beside your plates."
Miyako nodded, suddenly uncharacteristically quiet.
Mrs. Mimi sat on the left side of the table at the
end. Professor Izzy was next to her, followed by Mrs.
Sora. On the other side, opposite Mrs. Mimi, sat
Colonel TK, followed by Miss Miyako and Mr. Tai.
The chair at the top of the table, between Mimi and
TK, was vacant.
"Is that for you?" TK asked.
"Don't be silly," Ken laughed. "I'm merely a humble
"What exactly do you do?"
"The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I
Sora interrupted. "So who's the chair for?"
"For the seventh guest...Mr. Iori."
"Wait wait wait, I thought Mr. Iori was our host!"
"So did I!" everyone said.
"So who is our host?" Sora asked.
Lightning crashed and thunder boomed as Kari brought
"Shouldn't we wait for the other guest?" Mimi asked.
"I'll keep something warm for him."
Miyako grinned slightly. "What'd you have in mind,
As the guests slurped in silence, Mimi decided to do
"Well, I know that when a group of new friends meet
for the first time it's hard to get acquainted, but
I'm used to being a hostess as part of my husband's
work, and I'm perfectly prepared to get the ball
rolling. I'll be perfectly honest, I have no idea what
we're doing here or what I'm doing here, but I am
determined to enjoy myself and certainly intrigued and
oh, my, this soup's delicious."
Everyone else had frozen in their seats.
Sora cleared her throat and said, "You say you're used
to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?"
"Well, it's an intrical part of your life when you're
the wife of--" Mimi stopped. "Oh, but I forgot, we're
not supposed to say who we really are."
"I know who you are," Tai said.
Miyako said eagerly, "Aren't you gonna tell us?"
Mimi stared at him. "How do you--"
"I live in Washington too."
TK said thoughfully, "Oh, so you're a politician's
"Yes, yes I am."
There was momentary silence as Ken entered again. Then
Mimi began, directing the question at Sora, "So what
does your husband do?"
"Well, I mean, he just lies around on his back all
day, doing nothing..."
Miyako grinned. "Sounds like hard work to me."
Kari flung the shutters from the Kitchen open just as
another crack split the sky.
Tai spilled his drink on Miyako. "Hey, watch it!"
Kari and Ken started to bring in plates of food. Mimi
started to eat and said, "This is one of my favorite
"I know," Ken said.
"So what do you do in Washington DC, Tai?" Mimi asked.
"Come on, how are we to get to know each other if we
don't say anything about ourselves?"
"Maybe he doesn't want to get acquainted with you,"
Miyako said. "Do you, Tai?"
"Well, I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep
the conversation going we would be sitting here in an
"Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Mimi?" Izzy asked.
"Yes, what, no, why?!"
"You seem to be suffering from what we call pressure
"We?" Miyako asked. "Are you a shrink?"
"I do know a bit about psychological medicine, yes,"
"Oh, you're a doctor?" Sora queried.
"I am, but I don't practice."
Miyako laughed slightly. "Well, practice makes
perfect. I think most men need a little practice,
don't you, Mrs. Sora?"
Sora sighed. "So where do you work, Professor?"
"I work for, you know, the United Nations."
TK stared. "Another politician?"
"No, I work for a branch of the UN, the WHO, World
"What's your area of expertise?" Mimi asked.
"Family planning. What about you, TK, are you a real
"I am, sir."
Miyako looked up from her food. "You're not going to
mention the coincidence that you also live in
"How do you know that? Have we met before?"
"I've certainly seen you before, although you may not
have seen me."
"So Miss Miyako, does this mean that you also live in
Washington DC?" Tai asked.
"Sure do!" she said.
"Well, does anyone here not live in Washington DC?"
"I don't," Izzy said.
"Yes, but you work for the UN, that's a government
job!" Tai exclaimed. "Does anyone here not earn their
living from the government one way or another?"
Kari: Where am I?
Matt: And me!
Tuqei: You'll see!
TK jumped up to face Ken. "Ken, where's our host and
why have we been brought here?"
The doorbell rang. Ken went to answer it. Everyone,
Matt and Miyako included, listened.
"Ah, Mr. Iori, you're eagerly awaited."
"Are you locking me in? I'll take the key."
"Over my dead body, sir."
Sora: Hint, hint.
"May I take your bag?"
"I'll leave it here."
"It contains evidence, I presume?"
"Surprises, my friend, that's what it contains.
Ken walked back in. "May I present...Mr. Iori."
Iori stared at the six seated before him. "What're
they all doing here?"
"Eating dinner. Please sit down, Mr. Iori," Ken said
as Kari entered with soup.
"You can take that away, honey," Iori said. Miyako
Next time on Clue, everything revealed and two murders!