Disclaimer: If I did would I be here.
Notes: This is really a delicate story and I hope I've written it right... If this offends anyone let me know and I'll try'en fix it... Or maybe just take it down...
The Rules Of Need To Know
The Things You Should Know
For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it might cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and provide for it.
"Chris, if you don't tell us anything we can never help you." Leo tried desperately. Long since passed his hatred of the young man, he can now clearly see the fear and pain permanently embedded within the boy's eyes. What's wrong with him? Leo wanted to help, he really did. But... how could he help when Chris hid everything, only dribbling out tiny facts when absolutely necessary.
"There's nothing." Chris said resignedly. Nothing that you'll understand.
"Chris if there's something wrong..." Leo let his words hang hoping to draw an answer.
"If there were something I'd tell you." Chris snapped.
"Yeah because you've been so good about that so far." Leo bit back, quickly losing patients for no real reason.
"I've told you everything I can." Chris shouted.
"Which is nothing."
"I came back to stop Wyatt from turning evil. What else is there? What could you possibly want to know?" Chris said turning away from Leo and crossing to the other side of the attic. Leo stood staring at his back, mouth opened slightly, truthfully he wasn't sure what he wanted from Chris. The boy had risked a lot to come back and save Leo's son and all Leo could do was berate him for answers. Answers he probably didn't have. Answers Leo himself didn't even know the question to.
But still there was something, something that itched at the edge of Leo's mind.
"Did you ever actually know Wyatt?" Leo asked suddenly. Having nothing else to say.
"No,... I only ever saw the destruction he created, the world he made for me to live in." Chris was turned away from him as he said it, but Leo still caught the pain in his voice and the lost expression as Chris turned back to him.
"I never stood face to face with him." Chris finished and the note of uncertainly in his voice was un-missable. He's lying. Leo realised. Wyatt's hurt him very specifically. Leo probably should have kept the realisation to himself. He didn't.
"You're lying Chris. You've met him haven't you. Stood face to face with him. Like this." Leo stepped up to Chris trying to keep the boy off kilter. Chris stepped back almost tripping on his own feet. Leo grabbed his wrists and pulled him back.
"I won't hurt you Chris. Tell me what happened. What'd he do to you?" Leo asked. Chris winced; pain etched across his face, his tongue darted out wetting cracked lips. He wasn't looking at Leo anymore, his eyes were lower and his gazed seemed a million miles away. Tears began to collect beneath his lids, threatening to fall before his eyes snapped back into focus and he blinked them away. His watery eyes now staring directly into Leo's, his jaw clenched in resolve and dislike.
"Let me go,... now." He ordered, a rough steeliness edging his words. Leo complied, dropping Chris's hands.
"If there was something life threatening I would tell you. I didn't come back all this way for the fun of it. Anything I tell you now will affect the future. I'm trying to make things better not screw them up worst." Chris hissed.
"I've had a shitty life. Big deal, in my world there are over 5 billion people. Most of them probably had bad lives as well. I'm not special Leo and I'm not some charity case for you to baby. Unlike rest of the people stuck with Wyatt I can do something about it and I'm not about to blow that chance by whining about how my parents never hugged me enough when I was young. How I was alway the unwanted child. Go spend time with your son, he needs you more than I do... I don't need you at all." Leo could hear the pain behind Chris words, could hear the cry in his breaking voice. Leo didn't push him any further.
"So there's nothing. Nothing at all that I should know?" Leo said weakly, one last half-hearted attempt at getting Chris to talk. He took the longest time to answer.
The Things I'll Never Tell You
To withhold the truth is not alway a disservice. The truth is what it is and is often painful. Lies are what we make them; they can be cushioned to our liking and therefore are safer for all concerned.
"Chris, if you don't tell us anything we can never help you." There are those words again. I hate those fucking words.
"There's nothing." I spit heatedly. Nothing that you'll ever understand. I think bitterly. What can he possible know, he's never seen my word. Has never met my Wyatt.
"Chris if there's something wrong..." Why does he have to keep pushing?
"If there were something I'd tell you." I snap ready to take a swing if that'll shut him up.
"Yeah because you've been so good about that so far." He snarls back, high and mighty once again, like he knows how everyone feels. What everyone's been through.
"I've told you everything I can."
"Which is nothing." He flings at me. I turn away from him, what does he know about it. If he'd been a better father than I wouldn't have had to come back. I he'd been a better father than Wyatt wouldn't have... I cut my thoughts off, he's not to blame, he's not the same person that I remember, he's close though and it's so hard to keep the two of them separate when their so much alike.
"I came back to stop Wyatt from turning evil. What else is there? What could you possibly want to know?" I say slowly making my way to the other side of the attic, putting as much distance between myself and him as possible. Trying to forget the memories that he dredges up. Things I don't want to know.
"Chris if running from me was so easy; don't you think everyone would do it." Wyatt whispers quietly, pressing me hard against rough brick.
"It's even harder for you, Chris. Your family, did you honestly think I would just let you go? Did you think I couldn't feel where you were?" He hisses lowly. His body pressed tightly against mine. I remember that day so clearly. How the rain felt on my face, his breath on my neck.
"Let me go Wyatt... please." I whine pathetically.
"I'll never hurt you, Chris. Don't fight me on this." Wyatt whispers, though I don't know why. Me fighting never makes a difference, just makes it take longer. I think he enjoys it more when I fight. I feel tears well at the back of my eyes, as his mouth cover's mine, his tongue darting past my lips. I can feel sobs choking me. Why is this upsetting me so? I should be use to it by now. Wyatt's hands encircle my waist; he pulls me to him lifting my feet from the ground, pinning me to the wall with his body. My legs wrapping around his waist out of habit. God, I don't want to do this.
I struggle away from his lips and drag in shaky breaths; his own come in hot pants, which crash against my chilled neck. Icy rain pelts against my hot face and I wish I was anywhere other than here. Wish it were anyone doing this to me other than him.
"Are you really going to take me right here? Where anyone can see." I try desperately. Trying to persuade him to stop without actually asking.
"That could be fun." He says slyly, nibbling at my neck. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to cry, not to sob like some pathetic child. This isn't a big deal, I tell myself. But it is, to have affection forced upon you by anyone is bad enough. But to have it done to you by one you love, one who is supposed to love you and never in those terms. One who should never dream of such a thing is... I gasp as the tears start to flow, cursing myself as sobs burble up from the back of my throat.
He sighs and lowers me back onto the ground, wrapping his arms around me. Keeping my unsteady legs from collapsing under my own weight.
"I'm sorry Chris. I'm sorry for doing this to you. For needing you." He whispers holding me gently, intimately, still not the way a brother should, even as he apologies for it and despite the fact that I have heard this all before it strikes a cord with me. I believe him.
"Did you ever actually know Wyatt?" I blink as the memory fades; it seemed so real, so real that I'm covered in a layer of sweat.
"No,... I only ever saw the destruction he created, the world that he made for me to live in." I choke out. What else can I say?
"I never stood face to face with him." I repeat more strongly. But he still doesn't believe me. Please just let it go Leo.
"You're lying Chris. You've met him haven't you. Stood face to face with him. Like this." He closes the distance between us quickly, more than just invading my space; he gets in my face. I try to move back and he grabs me and pulls me forward, just like Wyatt use to.
"I won't hurt you Chris. Tell me what happened. What'd he do to you." I'm barely listening to him now. Wyatt was the one who use to tell me that all the time. I won't hurt you Chris. I'll never hurt you.
I grabbed Wyatt's waist playfully shoving him over as we wrestled on the floor. It was a rare occasion when we weren't fighting and quite the sight for anyone else. The source and his younger brother rolling across the floor laughing. Shoving and pushing each other jokingly. Neither of us aiming to do any real damage. Wyatt pushed me to the floor and pinned me there, my wrists trapped under his hand above my head.
"Surrender little brother and I just may let you up." Wyatt said smirking at me.
"Never. Not a chance." I cried struggling fiercely.
"Never?" Wyatt asked wickedly. I swallowed nervously at his dark look and shook my head gamely.
"I'll have to just change your mind then." He hissed lightly. The fingers of his free hand dig into the sensitive flesh on my chest and stomach as he starts tickling me ruthlessly. I start to gasp and giggle. He had me begging after less than a minute.
"Please Wy stop I can't breath." I choke.
"Well that's not such a bad thing. If you can't breath you can't talk either." He smirked. Stopping despite what he'd just said.
"Bastard." I shouted teasingly, trying to wriggle out from under him. I was short of breath to start with so it didn't take long for me to tire. I stopped struggling and looked up at him smiling. My smile faded as I caught his expression.
"Wyatt what's wrong." I asked weariness creeping into my voice.
"I love you Chris." He husked, lowering his forehead to rest against my own.
"I l-love you t-too Wy." I say shakily. Maybe everything would have been different if I hadn't. His lips move down to mine.
"Wy what are you doing?" I cried trying to move away from him.
"It's okay Chris. I won't hurt you." He whispered. I stop fighting him, but I don't relax in the slightest. I can't. I'm stunned, how can he think of doing this to me? To his brother?
"Wyatt please stop." It had stopped being Wy, the older brother that I adored despite everything right then. I couldn't think of him like that afterwards.
"Why?" He asked breathlessly.
"Don't you like the way this feels." He asked running his hands across my chest, I gasped in what I'd like to say was complete surprise. But it wasn't. His touches were enjoyable... But he was still my brother and that made it very different. That made it very wrong.
"Please don't." I begged pathetically as he pulled away my clothes.
"It's okay Chris, it won't hurt I promise. I would never hurt you Chris." But it did hurt, it hurt quite a deal and I cried out more than once as Wyatt took his pleasure from me.
Usually we were fighting even back then, but still occasionally we had fun. I muse, caught between laughing and crying at one of my best and worst memories. We did use to have fun sometimes... Or he would have his fun. It hurt like a bitch the first time he... I shake away the thought quickly. I'm over it and there's no use wallowing.
"Let me go,... now." I growl suddenly snapping back to the present. I wrench my arms away from him; no one gets to touch me like that, not anymore.
"If there was something life threatening I would tell you. I didn't come back all this way for the fun of it. Anything I tell you now will affect the future. I'm trying to make things better not screw them up worst." I hiss icily. Fine if he wants to know I'll tell him. Then he can feel even more superior and pity me.
"I've had a shitty life. Big deal, in my world there are over 5 billion people. Most of them probably had bad lives as well. I'm not special Leo and I'm not some charity case for you to baby. Unlike the rest of the people stuck with Wyatt I can do something about it and I'm not about to blow that chance by whining about how my parents never hugged me enough when I was young. How I was always the unwanted child. Go spend time with your son he needs you more than I do... I don't need you at all." I spit sourly. I don't need you, bastard.
"So there's nothing?" He tries weakly, easing off with the 20 questions.
I awake to Wyatt's hand creeping across my stomach.
"Morning little brother." He whispers silkily. How can he still call me that? How can he still call me that when he's kissing me like a lover? Like his own personal plaything. His hand slips down to beneath my pants.
"Well by the looks of things your happy to see me." Wyatt smiled and kissed the tip of my nose.
"There's nothing." I say finally. Nothing that I will ever tell you... Nothing I could ever... tell you.
One Or The Other, Life Never Allows You Both
God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please, -you can never have both.
Emerson, Essays: Intellect
The sheets are cold against his back as Chris is forced down onto Wyatt's bed. Moonlight threw the open curtains silhouettes both of them in the darkness.
"Wyatt please..." Chris's plea is cut off as his hands are pressed above him and his brother's hot lips are pressed to his. The buttons of his pants are undone and his jeans are removed skilfully. Chris pulls away from him.
"Please Wyatt don't..." Is the last sound he gets to make before his brother's lips are back to his, Wyatt paying little attention or caring to what Chris whispers pleadingly to him while he takes his pleasure from the slight trembling figure beneath him.
"No..." Chris's eyes shot open and he sat up ripping the covers from around his feet. He leaped from his bed and flipped on his light switch. The same small bare looking room greeted him. With his tiny bed in the corner and nothing much else. Certainly no Wyatt, waiting to push him back down onto the mattress.
Chris sat back down on the bed that was so unlike his old one, so much so that it actually allowed for some sleep. Usually. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes breathing heavily, trying to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. He almost succeeded. A dry sob escaped his throat and droplets pattered onto the sheet covered mattress.
A knock sounded at his door, Chris scrubbed his eyes furiously, adding to their puffy swollen look.
"Yeah," Chris said as he pulled open the door, the unwelcomed sight of Leo greeted him.
"What'd you want." He hissed. Leo was the last person Chris wanted to see at the moment. He was responsible for Chris's nightmares, they'd all but stopped for a while there. But then Leo had to go prying into Chris's life and now they were back full force. Thanks again, fearless leader. Chris thought bitterly.
"I wanted to talk to you again." Leo said stepping passed Chris to inside his room. Though Chris could swear he'd never extended an invitation.
"Talk all you want." Chris bit, waving his hand after Leo.
"Chris what happened between you and Wyatt?" Leo asked frankly.
"Are you back on that again! Please get a new bone to pick at." Chris said shaking his head. I can't believe he's back on this.
"You never answered me." Leo said briskly.
"Yes I did and that's all I have to say."
"Come on what happened. Did Wyatt take your favourite doll?" Chris wasn't quite sure he'd heard right.
"He got picked first for sports." Leo taunted
"..." Chris is stunned, which is why his anger doesn't come until later. But it does come.
"Well it occurred to me that with pathetic little jerks like you it's always something small. You probably hated Wyatt long before he turned evil. You're probably just using that as an excuse." Leo sniped. Bastard! Chris's mind screamed. Which is what Leo was being, anything to elicit a truthful response from the shadowy whitelighter.
"I don't know maybe he stole your girlfriend in high school, stole your lunch money, what... what petty little thing was it?" Leo goaded. Chris bit his tongue drawing blood into the back of his mouth.
"He was popular and you weren't. Did people like him more than you? Not really a stretch of the imagination, him being better than you..." Leo dug.
"Fuck you." Chris growled, his eye flashing. Leo thought for second that he was going to take a swing at him. Almost wished Chris would since it would alleviate some of guilt that was collecting at the pit of his stomach.
"You wanna know, Leo? What your precious son did to me!" Chris ground out. Leo nodded absently, in truth he wanted to turn and run. Now that he was finally about to have what he wanted he wasn't sure he wanted it anymore. But he'd pushed too much to turn back now; Chris was going tell him weather he wanted to hear it anymore or not.
"Fine then stand there and I'll tell you." Chris spat. Leo realised that Chris for some reason was giving him one last chance, a last way out. He could leave now if he wanted to and be spared whatever pain Chris was carrying. Leo could leave if he wanted,... unfortunately though he couldn't not know.
"I'll tell you everything!" Chris hissed glaring icily. I'll tell you everything your fucking precious son did too me! And then we'll never have to talk about this a fucking again.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
Blake, Auguries Of Innocence.
Chris stared blankly for long moments, trying to work out where to start. Where does one begin explaining a lifetime of pain? He started finally just when Leo thought he never would.
"World domination, the source, the ruler of all evil. I think you already know all that. I mean to everyone else Wyatt is really just your average run of the mill tyrant. Certainly not the worst there's ever been. But not exactly the type of guy most people wanna warm up to." Chris says flatly.
"He knew me all my life and I knew him most of his. We were usually on pretty decent terms." He paused briefly licking his lips.
"We were... friends. Which is why I followed him when he first started taking over the underworld. I followed him blindly because I trusted him. Everything he did always seemed to make a bazaar sort of sense." Chris's eyes flicker between being miles away, focused intently on Leo and staring off into nothingness.
"Then things really got out of hand. I tried to leave, many times but... well it never really did work." Chris whispers, scarily detached.
"He eventually offered me a spot by his side. His right hand man. I declined at first... until I finally realised that it wasn't so much an offer as it was an order... I didn't actually have a choice." Chris chuckled darkly.
"I was to take my proper place by his side... In the underworld and..." He cut himself off suddenly his voice finally showing minute amounts of emotion.
"And in his bed." Chris spat out sourly; finally he'd said it. It wasn't his secret anymore. He looked to Leo who was staring at him in disbelief.
"Don't look so shocked Leo, trust me it wasn't anything new. Wyatt had already had his pleasure with me long before that. And in so many ways." Chris said deadly, his eyes taking on a hollow haunted look.
"How... how old were you when... first..." Leo rasped.
"19. We were..." Chris stopped himself before the details could come spilling out. Leo looked about ready to cry.
"I didn't resent him for it though. Not as much as I probably should have..." Chris said distantly. Leo's gaze shot up to Chris, his mouth gaping in surprise.
"I don't think he did it to hurt me... I don't think he was quite that bad. I couldn't even hate him for it afterwards. Couldn't even kill him when he use to sleep so trustingly beside me. I couldn't help all those innocent people." Chris whispered.
"How..." I croak in disbelief.
"How can you still even bear the sight of him?" I ask shock soaked into every part of my being.
"I'll always love him." He says resolutely.
"Because no matter what he does..." The words seem to die on his lips as he tries desperately to choke them out.
"...He's my brother... and... nothing is ever going to change that." He whispers heavily. His use of 'brother' knocks me, but surely he must be speaking figuratively. I reach out to him, why I don't know, maybe to comfort him, maybe to comfort myself. I don't know. But he pulls away and the fire leeches back to his eyes.
"So that's what happened... Dad." Oh, God. It's not figurative.
"I can never really blame him because... he may have taken what he wanted... But all I ever did was whimper pathetically while he did it. I never..." Stopped him. My mind finished helplessly.
"I was the unwanted child, the inconvenience..." I want to tell him that that can't be true, to comfort him some how... But my mind seems to have crashed at 'Dad'.
"Phoebe and Paige were gone long before I could ever remember them. Caught up in their own lives. You were busy being an elder, the only time you visited was for Wyatt and Pip-Mum, had so much to deal with she just-" his voice broke then and he swallowed composing himself as much as possible.
"He was the only one I ever felt loved by, the only one I ever thought cared..." And he betrayed me. My frazzled mind was finishing sentences again, only that wasn't the answer I got.
"...Even when he..." Tears were welling in Chris's eyes, I could see them even across the room, could hear the cry in his voice.
"I never stopped him and... I think I even enjoyed it sometimes. The attention, knowing that he didn't want anyone else but me. Didn't love anyone else...I enjoyed what he did to me, just as much as I loathed it." Chris licked his lips, his voice was a tiny little tremble and his eyes when they finally meet mine, are smothered with guilt.
"How fucked up is that?" He cries imploringly, as though he really wants an answer. As if I can give him one. I can't even process any of this, somewhere at the back of mind it registers how much he needs an answer. How much he needs me to say that it's not that bad. The guilt and self-loathing are so apparent in his voice and they register somewhere back there too. But it all gets lost in a haze on the way to the logical part of my brain and so... I say nothing; I simply stare at him, like a bug behind glass. It would be easier if he were angry, if he were shouting rather than using that sad broken whimper that seems to tear shreds from my soul. Because really his pain is my fault, not yet, but it will be. It's my fault that Wyatt did this to him and that would be so much easier to bare if he'd go back to being angry and spiteful. If he'd give me someway to justify myself. I don't deserve it but god I need it. 'Cos seeing him like this is killing me
He nods eventually, tired of waiting for my answer that probably isn't coming and orbs leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Chris orbed the top most part of the San Franciscan Bridge. The stars were bright overhead and a steady but small stream of traffic poured by beneath. He collapsed heavily and curled up into a ball wrapping his arms around his legs. Tears and sobs began to tear themselves from his body. Chris finally let go and began to cry in earnest, this time he didn't think he'd ever stop.