A/N: My first foray into One Piece fanfic, even though I've been a fan of the series and have been reading OP fanfic for a long time. Feedback much appreciated!
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, and that's probably a good thing.
Summary: Zoro learns an important lesson: if you don't know what it is, then don't eat it. Too bad it's too late for him now. Slight Zoro x Sanji.
Usopp screamed. Chopper did too.
Nami gasped and then immediately covered her mouth with her hands.
Sanji had been so shocked that his cigarette fell out of his mouth and left a stain on his immaculate black shoes.
Even Robin couldn't hide the shocked look on her face.
Luffy, of course, was the one who had the bravery or the honesty to ask the question.
"Zoro…why do you have breasts?"
The others nodded in unison. Yes, they would like to know that too. Zoro turned a furious shade of red and shrank down into his seat like a grumpy turtle, crossing his arms defensively in front of him. That is, until he noticed that he had to reach a little more than usual to accomplish this and now he was touching them and that was just wrong. He turned an even brighter shade of red and tried a variety of places to put his arms that did not involve physical contact with…that part of himself, until, exasperated, not knowing what to do with his hands, he finally settled for making a fist at his side. There, that at least looked sort of manly.
"Um, Zoro?" asked Nami hesitantly. "What happened last night at the bar?"
Zoro looked at the faces of his crewmates, saw the naked curiosity there, and sighed. Even he knew a lost battle when he saw one, and there was no way he was getting out of here without some sort of explanation.
"I was hungry…" he grumbled under his breath.
"What?" asked Nami, confused.
"I said, I was hungry, alright!" grouched Zoro, hunching inward even more. "How was I supposed to know that the thing on the table was the Onna Onna no Mi?" he muttered.
For a moment, there was stunned silence as six mouths dropped and hit the floor. Zoro felt the beginnings of a headache. Here it comes…three…two…one…
On cue, the room exploded with laughter. Peals and peals of laughter rang out in the galley and echoed off the wooden walls until the pots shook and rattled, and even that sounded like laughter to Zoro's ears. Zoro felt his eye twitch. He willed himself to stay still and not squirm. To take it like a man.
"Oh my God," Usopp gasped between breaths, tears coming out of his eyes. Luffy was literally rolling on the floor, holding his stomach, and Chopper had keeled over too.
Robin was chuckling demurely behind her hand and Nami looked, well, she looked like she didn't know whether to laugh at Zoro or to smack him upside the head for his stupidity.
Zoro sulked, knowing that it would be funny if he wasn't the one stuck with boobs, but unfortunately, he was. He grumbled to himself until he noticed that the galley had suddenly grown quiet and that everyone had gone outside to laugh at his expense. Everyone except Sanji, who was leaning against the counter regarding him with something between a smirk and an amused grin. Zoro had a feeling that whatever the stupid cook was thinking about saying, he wasn't going to like it.
Sanji slowly and deliberately reached into his breast pocket and took out a crumpled cigarette, stuck it in his mouth, lit it with a match, inhaled, and then very casually blew out a smoke ring.
"So, does this mean I get to be on top tonight?"
Endnote: Yes, the Onna Onna no Mi is a zoan-type devil's fruit. No, I don't know what would happen if a girl ate it. It's much more fun this way, though, don't you think?