Okay, this is my next experimentation. Probably should be doing more homework…but I got inspired. See, I am answering my OWN challenge and mixing my own feelings, life experiences, and personality traits with that of Stan. So, in essence, Stan is me. To an extent. Of course, there will still be SP Stan in it to make it South Parkish, and of course I will add some spice in there for some flavor, but you get the point. My greatest friend in the world (Dansyngqueen) is a character in this story, and some of my other friends are in here too. Playing many important roles. They are my inspiration. And for those of you who are curious, NO, she isn't Kyle's character. Anyway, this is totally different from my last fic, so check it out, see what you think! It has more personal meaning to me because…well…it's me.

The entire story is from Stan's POV.

Chapter 1- Always On My Mind

A wise man once told me that deep within your soul, there are a whole bunch of secrets just aching to be freed. Some of them you don't even know about. Some of them, you don't want to know about. They tear you apart, but you know that they may only cause damage if they were to be unleashed onto the world. No wait. Scratch that. No wise man. My dad told me this.

At any rate, I believe it. I live everyday believing it. There are some things better left unsaid. And so this is my story.

My name is Stan Marsh, and I am eighteen years old. Just turned it three weeks ago. I live with my parents in this hick town in Colorado called South Park. I have a raging bitch of a sister named Shelly who is in college now, and an old dog named Sparky. I have a grandpa living with us who always calls me Billy, and he just won't die. He wants to. Always tries to. But he's still here, barely living. My mom thinks he may finally on his last leg, though.

I go to South Park High, which is a relatively new school for the area. North Park used to bus us all in, but four years ago, our town grew twice in size due to some hot shot salesman pawning off our quiet little mountain town to the general public. Saying we have nice ski slopes or something laughable like that. Now we have six stoplights instead of one. Nothing special, but enough to fuck up my life.

I'm the current star quarterback of the Cow's football team, making the only recreational time I have devoted to the damn sport. You gotta love it. I mean, you gotta eat, sleep, and breathe football if you are knee-deep in it all the time like I am. I have been part of that team since I was too young to remember, and they stuck me on varsity two years ago, making me the youngest varsity player around.

I guess you could say I'm pretty well liked inside the school walls. Most of its due to my skills out on the field. But I wouldn't really say I have too many close, close friends except for one. Kenny McCormick. My good buddy since grade school.

Kenny is what you could consider "poor". He's always struggling to keep up the cash flow. Complaining he doesn't make enough at the hick-infested restaurant he serves at. Oddly enough, he seems to have enough money to make weekly visits to the mall's arcade. I love the guy, but he needs to learn money management before he winds up powerless and inside a cardboard box.

His parents are worth next to shit on that subject though, so I can't expect too much. His dad's a deadbeat loser that didn't deserve to procreate, while his mom is an insincere sweetheart without a backbone. Kenny's never had really the best of circumstances. He went through a couple phases when he was younger, experimenting with all sorts of crazy shit, not caring about anything, including himself. Now that he's older and getting ready to move out on his own, he's made a vow to himself to never become like his dad. So far, he's turning out to be one hell of a guy. And I'm proud of him.

He claims to be a struggling musician so that he can get chicks. They take one look at his guitar and see him attempt to play it (he only knows a chord or two), and they swarm around him. It's his gift. It doesn't hurt that he is what girls refer to as "OH MY GOD" hot. They get this really funny high-pitched squeal when they first see him. Like he is one of the world wonders or something. And then they crowd around each other, taking turns to steal glances and try to win his heart. He doesn't see it though. He thinks he is a loser. And that girls just don't like him. He just doesn't see it. He doesn't see what I see.

He and I really seem to have hit it off. We really only started palling around so much a few years ago, but its grown from there. It's always just us two—people get mad sometimes that we are always together. They think we come as a package deal. You can't get one without the other. But I can't help that he's the person I'd like to spend most of my time with. They don't understand what its like to have a really great friend that you want to share all of your experiences with. Someone who gets just how incredibly nerdy you are, and doesn't care. Because they are just as nerdy. And I don't mean that in a bad way. Maybe they are just jealous. It doesn't matter though. Kenny and I don't give a shit what they think. We have fun together anyway.

He and I used to both belong to an awesome, unstoppable group of four back in elementary school. I was one those kids that everyone looked up to, because my three friends and I were cool as hell. We didn't even have to act that way either. We did our own thing, and for some reason, it usually attracted the people around us.

As middle school came and went, my group broke down, branching our own separate ways. I don't know, we just grew apart, I guess. It's sad when you think about it. Not all is lost, but it's never been the same. Kenny and I stuck around, while the other two just faded into the background of my dreary life.

Back when it was the four of us, Kenny actually wasn't my best friend. Back in childhood, that position was filled by someone else. Someone I used to cherish as my SUPER best friend, and we promised each other that would never change. Eh, but I guess its impossible to keep such a promise. Things change, you know? And so did our friendship.

He still walks the halls of my school. I see him everyday. I'm not complaining about it. But every now and then I sit and wonder, what the hell happened to us? When did we break that promise? When did I let Kyle fade into the background of my life?

Kyle Broflovski. The coolest guy you'll ever meet, just because he is. As smart as a rocket scientist, more laid back than a stoner on vacation. Listens to records. On a record player. Interested in philosophy. Can hold a conversation with a professor from a prestigious university.

Kyle Broflovski. Still, to this day, makes up the entire Jewish teenage community. Him and his little brother, Ike.

Kyle Broflovski. The kid with the rich, red curly hair, bright green eyes, and the most enchanting smile. He's so damn cute because of his little kid features. He's shorter than most freshmen boys. I feel like a giant hovering over his 5'5" frame.

Kyle Broflovski. My former best friend who traded me in for some newbys that came in with the tourists. We still hang out. But its nothing like it used to be.

Kyle Broflovski. The one name I can't get out of my head, no matter how hard I try.

Kyle Broflovski. The person who is always on my mind.

Kyle Broflovski. The guy I think I'm falling for.


Don't ask me how it happened. I can't really draw a line in the mess that is my life and pinpoint when I started looking at him differently. I guess you could say it just kind of evolved to that point. Naturally.

And I'm so fucking confused about it. I must be out of my mind to think—or to hope—that anything could happen between us. I'm just a stupid jock who pounds out moderately good grades. And he's…Kyle Broflovski.

I'm not the only one that holds him high. Ask anyone. Ask Kenny! He'll tell you Kyle is cool. He actually feels the same way I do. Just not quite as strongly.

I tell Kenny everything. I remember the first conversation. The one where I confessed my feelings to him:

"Hey, Kenny, I have to tell you something." He looked at me with intrigue, and awaited my continuance. I nervously swallowed, delaying the inevitable. I had already gotten this far. There was no going back.

"Kyle is cool," I said, shifting directions. Kenny just nodded.

"I mean, Kyle is real cool."

Kenny looked at me strangely and nodded more dramatically. We were in his bedroom, and his eyes were plastered to a girl magazine that he bought for me for my birthday, and I turned around and left it at his house knowing full well he'd get more use out of it than I ever would.

"I mean," I stuttered. "Kyle is awesome."

I am really bad at telling people what I want to say.

Kenny looked up from his pile of drool in a bikini. "What's your point, Stan?"

I approached the subject with care. I didn't want Kenny to react unexpectedly at the news I was about to slam him with.

"Ken, I think I might…I think…" I glanced to him for approval to keep going. "I might like Kyle for more than…more than you do."

Needless to say, he was shocked. But he supported me. Listened to my story, and lent any advice he could give. Which wasn't much, considering the situation. Kenny's such a great guy. Always there when I need to talk about this shit. I don't know where I'd be without him. I sure as hell couldn't bottle it up inside me. I'd explode!

I've told a few other people. People I KNOW I can trust. Not Eric Cartman, that's for damn sure. He's unfortunately the fourth member of my former best friends clique in grade school. That miserable fatty was put on this earth to inflict pain and misery to anyone who crosses his evil path. I will feed myself to rats with a gold plated spoon before that asshole ever finds out.

I told Jimmy, this awesome guy in our class. When we were little, he used to have this horrible stuttering pattern, and it took him a thousand years to get out a sentence. But in middle school, he transferred to another school, and attended a few workshops, and that kid can now talk up a storm. He's one hell of a comedian. Makes me laugh all the fucking time. I told him one night when he was going through a horrible break up with his shady girlfriend of a few years. It just slipped out. But Jimmy, as much of a talker as he is, has stayed silent with it. I know he can see what I'm going through.

I've debated whether to express my feelings to my parents. I know I can trust them, and I don't doubt that, in the end, they would be 100 percent supportive. As much as Kenny. I'm just not sure I want to cause unnecessary grief in the family. I don't want to burden them with that kind of information. I mean, I'm not gay. I've never even looked at another guy this way before, much less felt what I feel right now. There's just something special about this case. Why is it just Kyle?

Oh yeah. I think I should mention something. Something that puts a twist to this whole screwed up situation.

Kyle is gay.

Yep. A raging homo. Self-proclaimed. Came out three years ago. He's had boyfriends. Matter of fact, he just got out of a pretty serious relationship. But Kyle, being as incredibly cool as he is, is really accepted in our school. Ask me if South Park could have handled fags a few years ago, I would have said hell no. But Kyle has single-handedly changed this image. He's not a fag at all. He simply has a different life preference.

So that's my story. That is the situation. I have no idea where to go from here, or how to deal with it. I live with this constant burden day in, day out, of my life. It only gets worse. I've thought about telling him, but I don't think he looks at me that way. Rule #1, you can't assume that all gays think you are attractive, right? Even if he did, would he ever want to date me?

Could I ever date him?

I try to imagine what its like to kiss him. Make out with him. I'd crush his tender body under my monster 6' physique. We'd look so fucking funny together. Too weird.

Nope, I can't picture us together. And I can't bring myself to telling him. Possibly ruining the friendship we do have. Which I make sure is steadily growing more and more each day.

Goddammit, this sucks. I hate knowing what I know and not being able to do anything about it. It's like what my dad said…" you know that it can only cause damage if it were unleashed onto the world." And so I stay silent. Letting it eat away at my insides.

If Kyle were a girl, I'd have no problem playing the cutesy games. I'd playfully flirt, smile a lot, and do the normal stuff to get him to think I'm really cool. I'd listen to everything he has to say, ask him questions about stuff I already know, just to get him to talk to me. I'd try my hardest to come off as a comedian, but at the same time, be myself so I wouldn't be falsely advertising. I'd go out of my way to be in his way every step of the way.

But I can't do that shit with Kyle. He's a guy for Christ sake! And he's my friend. AND he already knows everything there is to know about me. And I with him. So I'm just stuck. Stuck in a rut.

Once again, he's all that I've thought about today. The sun has gone down, and tomorrow I have a big history test that I haven't even cracked the book open to study for. Kenny will surely pop quiz me over lunch, but that's not the point.

The point is…I can't get Kyle off my mind. Every time I'm around him, my heart skips a beat. I get warm inside when he asks me to hang out. I can actually feel myself blushing when he smiles at me. And there are those times, every once in a while, that I think his smile lasts longer than what it would if he didn't feel the same. Immediately, I push those ridiculous thoughts out of my head. I am just another straight guy to him. One of his friends.

Whatever, I'm going to bed now.

I get to see him again tomorrow morning. We have Spanish class together. I've actually memorized his schedule so I know when to expect him. Its not a surprise that way, but I get to prepare myself to see him. I know it may be lame, but this is all I have for now. I hold onto it. It makes me happy. Seeing Kyle makes me happy.

This thought will make my drift off into dreamland a much more peaceful ride. I clench my pillow tightly, cuddle up in my warm electric blanket, and smile. I can already feel the length of the next day growing longer as my eyelids droop, gradually shutting out any moonlight that shines on my face.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.