Sorry about the lack of update for this chapter, guys. It is the last chapter, and I'm truly excited that you liked this story so much. I felt as though it was beneficial to address a few things before you read it, and so here goes. If you're only interested in the story, proceed to scroll downward until you see the chapter begin.
As I mentioned during the first chapter's notes and a little bit throughout, this was based on personal experience. I'm going to go one further to let you guys know that, up until chapter 7, this was pretty much a direct excerpt of my life (a few modifications of time and places and events to fit more with the 18-year-old boy's life style). The truth is, the real life situation didn't turn out so easily or nicely. Matter of fact, it didn't turn out at all. I'm not emo, or goth, or whatever you call it in real life either. Normally I'm a pretty happy girl. This is one situation that tore me apart, and I'm actually thankful its over. I thought writing about it helped me, but it may have, in fact, made it worse. Sharing my experience with the world made me realize what I don't have.
The characters in this story are not fictional. For the most part, they are also a direct influence of my real life friends. For those of you who are wondering, no, I never kissed the real-life Kenny. If you're not wondering that, well, now you know. On the contrary, it was a little hard for me to pick this story back up after the real-life events unfolded the way they did, and the real-life Kenny and I came up with a solution to keep it interesting. Once I started with that idea, all the rest of it came into place. But it has lost the whole real-life influence completely at the end.
My friends are a huge part of my life. I wish more of them would read this story to see how important they are. It was such an interesting challenge to base all of the characters in this story off of one of my friends, yet still keep their South Parkesque qualities. I hope I did a decent job at finding a good balance.
I've already conjured up ideas for another story, and hopefully I will be able to start on it before the New Year. I will be student teaching in the spring, and my time will be limited substantially. I hope to continue writing, especially for my fans. You guys are great, and I thank you so much for each and every review. I'm sorry to put you through the torture of my cliffhangers and plot twists, but I guess that's what kept you reading, eh?
One last thing.
Kenny...dansyngqueen…you are my best friend and whatever is going on right now is ridiculous. I don't want Christmas to start like this. Please don't let it.
Chapter 9- Don't Stop Believing
I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, counting all of the directions the little patterns go. Once I get to about 10, I lose track, forget what I'm doing, and attempt to start over again.
Really, the only thing my mind is focused on is the events of earlier this evening. I blink, trying to refocus on a particular pattern in the shape of a giraffe in a time machine. Oops, lost it.
Did Kyle really say those things? Was it my imagination, or did he tell me that he has fallen for me? I can't be too sure—I have been wrong before. My stupid dreams are so realistic I could have dreamt Kyle said those things. Only, if I was dreaming, I think the way he said them would have been a bit more romantic.
I was pretty drunk. Maybe he said something about falling for Kenny. Maybe he wasn't talking about falling for anyone at all. Why was he so angry about that stupid flower? Unless…
WAIT! Yes. Yes, my mind has just now done the math. Kyle gave me the mystery flower! It was Kyle who thought about me and secretly came up to that little girl Mary and made her promise not to tell me! Kyle DOES care about me! Kyle DOES like me…
Wait a minute!
Kyle likes me! Dude! DUDE!
I sit up straight in my bed, overcome with such indescribable emotion, like one of those light bulbs above my head have just switched on. I'm such a dumbass! I just let him go! After he told he has FALLEN for me! Wow. This is sensational news! Incredible! Unbelievable!
How am I ever going to get him to talk to me again? I fucked up pretty bad, didn't I? Yeah, Kenny's brilliant plan sure put me in the doghouse. I have no idea where to go from here. No idea how to get Kyle to even talk to me again. I guess I can start by calling him.
No. I don't want to call him. That's not a grand enough gesture. Kyle is too worth it to screw it up with a lousy phone call. I can't believe he likes me! When did this start happening? Why didn't he tell me? Is this why he's been acting weird lately? Cause he didn't know how to handle it? Why did he make me believe that he liked Kenny? Ah! I have so many questions that need answered. And only he can answer them.
Why hasn't he been talking to me? That's a weird way to show someone you like them. Hmmm…guess Kyle isn't as perfect as I have made him out to be.
Doesn't matter though, I'm still crazy for him! I was lying before. I have never been over him. I've just forced myself to not think about him. But you knew that, didn't you.
Oh shit! I have to tell Kenny! After Kyle stormed out, I was in such a daze that I sat at the table until Kenny came in, and he told me about all the problems his "master" plan created for him and Mandy and, by the time he was finished, I had completely forgotten the fact that moments ago, Kyle was standing before me, angry and mad jealous because he thought I was dating Kenny! I left after I sobered up, not telling him anything. Whoa. That's really strange. Does that mean that I don't like Kyle as much as I think I do?
Nah. Its cause I was in too much shock.
I have no idea what to do now. Its 1:45 in the fucking morning. It would be insane for me to go over to his house. I'll have to wait until morning. But gaaaah I can't wait until morning! I want to run over there now!
No. No. I have to sleep on this. Come up with some sort of plan. A plan to get him to listen to me, to forgive me, and to reward me with kisses.
I gasp. I might actually get to kiss Kyle. And I won't be dreaming either! HOLY SHIT, DUDE!
I have to go to sleep. I just have to!
—three hours pass—
Okay, no such luck. It's not going to happen. My teeth chatter, and I stare wide-eyed at the very same ceiling that hasn't moved since I last looked at it. No color changes, no movements, no tricks, nothing. It's the most uninteresting thing I have ever seen in my life. Yet, somehow I have managed to find entire scenes within the patterns. There is a steamboat with a bell and a woman waving goodbye to her husband with a handkerchief. And there is a little boy with an ice cream cone that a dinosaur is trying to eat. And there is a small egg with a chicken that is protecting it from a big and scary spider.
I have officially gone insane.
Why isn't it morning yet! Kyle can't possibly be up now. I wonder what he is doing. I wonder where he is. Probably sleeping like a little baby, the way the rest of the normal world is. Its just Stan Marsh who can't go to sleep. I'm alone in the world once more.
But I won't be for long! Because you know who is going to forgive me and I am going to be forever happy! NOW I sound like a stupid girl planning out her wedding with a guy whose last name she doesn't even know. I have got to stop this right now. Perhaps if I drink some warm milk. Or maybe if I knock myself out with a baseball bat…
I quietly and nervously make my way to the bathroom. Once I flip on the switch, I stare in horror at the bloodshot bastard staring right back at me.
"He likes you," he tells me. This I already know. He is smiling, regardless of how hellish he looks. The smile comes within; there is no escaping that.
"Kyle Broflovski likes you."
Yes. He. Does. I can't stop grinning like an idiot! I walk away from my mocking reflection, turning off the lights and heading downstairs. Perhaps a late night snack will fill me up and pass me out. Too bad I don't have alcohol on hand. A few shots of hard liquor and I'd be out like a light.
This is the turning point of my realizations. I realize, I know nothing. Nothing about how people feel, nothing about what people think of me, nothing of how the world views me. I have absolutely NO reason to feel alone, feel unloved, feel excluded. Because for whatever reason I feel those, there is someone out there who doesn't feel that way about me. AND THAT PERSON IS KYLE!
I do a little dance move on my way to the fridge. A little two-step kick that I learned from watching my mom at her dance classes when I was littler. It stuck with me, cause I thought it was actually kinda cool. Of course none of my friends have ever seen me do it. Or know I like it. I'm already gay enough as it is, I don't need them thinking I'm a total fag.
Maybe I am though. I mean, I do like Kyle. A LOT. And Kyle is...well…Kyle's a guy. What does this mean? Yeah I know, I've had this realization before, but I'm just reiterating.
In the back of my mind, I hear music. A faint hum, too quiet to be my happy place music. It's my phone! Somebody is calling me at 5 in the morning? Who could it be? I race upstairs, unable to contain my curiosity. If it was Kyle, I think I'd shit a brick.
No such luck. Of course, who would be the only person to call me at 5 in the morning?
"Hey Ken, what's up?" I breathe heavily into the phone, trying hard to sound casual. My heart is racing a thousand miles a minute at this point; Kenny probably thinks I'm training for a marathon.
"Sorry if I woke you man, but I HAVE to tell you about what just happened."
Now. Normally, it would be quite common for someone calling at 5 in the morning to wake a person up. But Kenny and me, we're on the same wavelength, you know? He knew I wasn't sleeping. Somehow.
"You didn't wake me up, dude. I haven't been able to sleep. At all."
Kenny's voice changes over to concern. "What? Why not?"
I shake my head but realize he can't see that. "No you go first."
"Uh…okay. Well, I just got back from Mandy's and she-"
"Whoa dude, you JUST got back from Mandy's? I thought you didn't want anything to do with her?"
"I didn't! But after you left, I felt like shit for being that mean to her, so I called her, you know to apologize, and some guy answered the phone!"
"So! So she just left my house, and she was already with some other guy!" Kenny's words are fast paced and heavily breathed too, making me wonder what just happened.
"Alright. So what'd you do?" Its funny how he can get upset about her being with another guy after he literally pretended to have a boyfriend to get her away.
"So I went over to her house and confronted her." He pauses, I think for dramatic appeal.
"And the dude was her brother! She was so upset, she couldn't answer the phone and so her brother did and he was pissed at me because I didn't tell her this shit sooner and I tried apologizing to him and her but that didn't work so I told him to get lost and that pissed him off even more so finally I-"
"Breathe, Kenny. Breathe." I remind him.
He breathes. "Thanks. So finally, I got her alone, told her everything, telling her I'm sorry for being such an ass."
"You told her the truth? How'd she take it?"
"Well, I just got home."
I stare blankly. Is that supposed to mean anything? "So?"
"So we made up."
I laugh to myself, shaking my head. "I thought the whole purpose of us acting that way was so that you could get rid of her!" I make sure my words are very clear and annunciated.
"It was, but when I was driving over there, I realized that how jealous I was over the guy meant I really do like her."
Kenny is so beyond confusing. "OR it could mean that you are just a jealous guy."
I laugh even more. "Okay. So, you two are cool now?"
"We're cool now."
"Good." I pause, this time for my own dramatic appeal. "Hey Ken?"
"You are so fucking weird." I smile into the phone, and I can hear him do the same. But it IS weird! The fact that Mandy could be cool with him after he did something like that is weird. The fact that he did something like that in the first place is weird. The fact that he realized he was still into her is weird.
I guess no weirder than me falling for a guy. Who actually has fallen for me back. Oh yeah, Kyle! "Can I go now?" I ask him, eager, the words on the tip of my tongue.
"Oh yeah dude, sorry. Do you need to leave?"
"NO! Can I tell you my news now?"
"Oh! Yeah, go ahead," he says, uninterested.
I want to build him up with dramatic pauses and bring the whole story to a climax, but I just can't, so I blurt it out. "Kyle likes me!"
His tone changes from uninterested to on the seat of his chair too. "WHAT!"
And I go on with the story, leaving out bits and pieces that I can't remember because I was too drunk. Then I go into detail about not being able to sleep and then having the light bulb go off and my realization and then he called and, by the time I'm finished telling him everything, I'm exhausted. My eyes are droopy, and I say my goodbye to him before falling back down on my bed. Not but a few minutes later, I am off far away in the land of dreams. Dreams that are soon to come true.
It is time.
I stand here, in front of Kyle's front door. Two minutes after noon. I couldn't wait any longer than that.
The morning went by slowly. I woke up sporadically throughout the wee morning hours, forgetting where I was at and what was about to happen. Once I realized that I was about the get everything I've ever wanted, my smiling heart went fast to sleep once more. Even if it was only for five more minutes.
I gave up on this charade about ten after ten o'clock. I've been twiddling my thumbs ever since. I mean, come on. If I showed up that early in the morning, how desperate would he think I was?
Don't answer that.
I take a deep breath and prepare to knock on the hard, wooden surface. God knows I've been standing on this stoop long enough to become part of the Hanukah decorations surrounding me. Sheila walked by once or twice, and I quickly plastered myself to the side of the house. I can't let her see me. Not until I'm ready to face Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski. The guy I've fallen in love with.
Kyle Broflovski. The guy who may just love me back.
Closed eyes. Racing heart. I knock on the door three times and wait patiently. With my luck, Kyle won't even be up and Sheila will have to go wake him up and tell him I'm here and he'll refuse my presence and I'll be all alone on this porch, watching my chance fly by right before my eyes…
I watch as Kyle's face appears, opening the door only partially. No invite, he stands cold on the welcome mat that leads into their house. His green eyes stare back at mine, a little darker than I remember. I notice dark circles under them. He is still in his plaid pajama pants and a gray nightshirt. His hair is sticking up in places, matted down in others. Once he recognizes the face in front of his as mine, he shifts his weight onto the leg that props open the door. He raises his eyebrows and shrugs his shoulders.
He looks so fucking adorable, I almost skip my apology and prepared speech to leap into his arms.
"Uh…hi…Kyle…"I start. Take a deep breath, Stan. This can be easy if you make it easy.
"Hi. Stan." His words are clear and separated. I'm grateful he hasn't slammed that door on my face yet. Still no invite though.
"Uh…can I come in?" I ask, not sure why I'm stuttering so much. God damn my nerves. If they don't get through this, I'm going to cut off their air supply.
Kyle remains in the same position. I can almost see the wheels turning in his head, contemplating my question. Slowly, he opens the door the rest of the way, making a gesture that isn't quite friendly, but I definitely don't turn it down either. I brush past him, on the way smelling that natural scent of his that sends me to the clouds. I can't believe that he likes me back. I can't believe that I might actually get to kiss those pouty lips…
FOCUS Stan. Focus. "Kyle, I need to talk to you." Well, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here. God, I'm so stupid sometimes. He makes an expression that allows me to believe he is thinking just that. So I continue. "Actually, I need to apologize to you."
"For not telling me you're with Kenny?"
I close my eyes. It all starts here. "No. For making you believe I was ever with Kenny."
He squints his eyes, and I see their sparkle begin to return. He tries hard to hide it though, frowning and doubting my statement before. "Whatever."
I'm so anxious to tell him everything, I find myself walk up to him and place both of my hands on his shoulders. "No, it's exactly that, Kyle. Ken and I are not together. We only acted that way to make that girl Mandy stop being so obsessive!" I say this in hopes that he will understand, even though I realize that someone looking in on that situation must think we're pretty fucked up.
"What," he says, more like a statement than a question. He backs up out of my reach, and it is then that I realize I'm probably holding onto his shoulders painfully tight.
I take a few steps back, regrouping myself. "Alright. Let me try my best to explain this. Kenny and I…okay. I…" Why am I finding this so hard to say? God, I just need to come right out and say everything! I look over to Kyle, who is getting impatient. I can tell by the way his throat keeps clearing and his eyes keep wandering beyond my face, to the room behind me. I close my eyes again. Sometimes it is easier for me to talk when I can't see that person.
"I kissed Kenny when I was confused and I don't know why but I don't like him like that. Things were weird between us because of that kiss. I missed him though, and I went a little letter crazy and everything to get him back to talking to me." I open my eyes to see if Kyle is still there and hadn't gone into another room. He is staring right back at me. The hard part is over. Now, for the Mandy thing. "Kenny was dating that chick Mandy but he didn't want to anymore. The day that we started talking again, he wanted me to act like his boyfriend so that it would make her stop wanting him or whatever."
"Was he the genius of that idea?" Kyle interjects sarcastically.
"Yeah," I say instantly. I see a faint smile form in Kyle's lips, and I know I am getting through to him. I shake my head. "Anyway, I agreed to it without knowing you were coming. When you showed up, the fact that you've been ignoring me…well I thought you liked Ken."
At this, Kyle's eyes go wide. "Really? Nah. I was just…ah, now it's my turn to apologize."
I look at him through clear blue eyes. "For what?"
"For making you think I liked Kenny," he says through his smile. I don't want him to apologize. I want him to kiss me.
"Its okay," I say, only slightly bruised from the whole situation. None of it matters anymore because Kyle is standing in front of me, his hands clenched at his sides, and I can see him slightly swaying back and forth. Is he thinking the same thing I am? I'm not sure.
"Stan. When I found out that you liked me, it was a little weird for me. Because...well, I didn't think you were like that. I didn't look at you that way. It took me by surprise." Knowing what came next makes this whole explanation sweeter. I look to Kyle, who in return sends me that life-altering smile of his.
"It took me by surprise," I repeat. Kyle's stance is softening, and I can see his eyes trace the features of my face. "I've never…"
"I know," he finishes. His grin widens and then fades once again. "I guess throughout this, I was secretly hoping that all of those moments we had were worth something. I just pushed that thought out of my mind."
I think that is enough explanation. What now? I nod to Kyle, signifying my understanding and my strong want for this to all come to a head. No pun intended.
"So what do we do now?" he asks, as if reading my thoughts. The tension in the air is thick and anxious. And this time I can be SURE it is sexual tension. My insides are going to erupt from anticipation if neither of us makes any kind of a move soon. But this feeling is all the more worth it knowing he is feeling the exact same.
I decide to play the stupid and possibly cute card. "Well, we have a few options," I say, not moving from my position about five feet away from him. Oh, how I want to trash the conversation and capture him in my arms. I can't believe things are going so perfectly. Finally, Stanley Marsh gets a break. Finally, Stan gets what he wants. My life isn't so bad after all.
Kyle looks to me to continue. I'm pretty sure he knows that I'm delaying the inevitable, but I want to make him suffer. He'll want me more that way. Ever stand close to the person you care about, well aware of how both of you feel, but instead of giving in to the temptation just fuck around for a while and heighten the anticipation? When it's all said and done, we're going to explode with passion for each other. And I can't wait. But I can. And I am.
"I could…say good day to you, walk out this door, and we could hang out with each other sometime soon as friends."
Kyle makes a face, crinkling his nose, and it makes me smile. "OR we could go out sometime and see where things go," I continue, presenting all of my options. My speech is long and drawn out.
"OR you could stop stalling and come over here and kiss me." He lowers his face, keeping his eyes locked on mine. I open my mouth as if to speak, but no words come out. I am literally speechless and unmoving.
Kyle Broflovski. The guy who just told me to go over there and kiss him.
And I do.
I almost rush over, keeping my strides fast paced, almost knocking him over when I reach him about two seconds later. I capture his lips under mine, reaching one arm around to his back, and wrapping one arm to his neck. I slide up my hand into his soft, playful curls. My body melts at the touch of his small hands to my cheeks. His lips are soft but passionate as he hungrily returns my kiss.
I reposition my hands, picking him off the ground slightly. He's so small. He wraps his arms around my neck as I do this, our lips still intertwined. I can't stop kissing him. He tastes so good. I feel his tongue eagerly enter the perimeter of my mouth, searching out mine. I present mine. All of this is happening in slow motion. I'm surprised Ike, Sheila or even Gerald hasn't walked in to find their brother/son making out with another guy in their foyer.
Kyle's feet fall back down to the ground, and I feel the force of his body pushing up against mine. He slowly retreats his tongue, and our kiss ends. He pulls away just enough to rest his forehead against mine. I try to kiss him again, feeling his teeth against my lips. He's smiling. He's smiling big.
I smile too. He's everything I've ever wanted. Kissing a guy isn't that much different than kissing a girl. Anyway I don't look at it like that. I'm kissing Kyle. I'm in love with Kyle.
My dad once told me that deep within your soul, there are a whole bunch of secrets just aching to be freed. Some of them you don't even know about. Some of them, you don't want to know about. They tear you apart, but you know that they may only cause damage if they were to be unleashed onto the world. But I've found, through personal experience, that is a bunch of bullshit. If you don't show them to the world, you will never find out the truth behind them. You will never find out what may happen. You may never get what you want.
As I lay on his bed, I stare up at the ceiling. It's a different pattern than I'm used to. I don't feel like looking anymore. I roll over, facing him. Taking his hands in mine, I delicately count each finger with my lips. I feel his warm breath increase in speed as I pull his hands away, bringing my lips to his own. At last, he is mine.
Kyle Broflovski. My boyfriend.