This is it guys…the final chapter…and we still don't own Avatar.
16th July 2006
I sat at the head of the table with Baal. No one was late this time. The mood was subdued for everyone knew that this was the last time we met. Even Zuko had the decency to limit him self to two insults…two for each person.
The room seemed more crowded than usual, as we had not forgotten our promise… Today was the day Katara would select her true love. True to our word, all the eligible bachelors of the Avatar World were present for Kat's appraisal.All the eligible bachelors minus the fat /married /old/ Ozai named /psychotic men.
Jet was chewing a blade of grass while rocking his chair on two legs. Haru was wrestling with a hairbrush; Zuko was simultaneously watching Aang and all possible exits, no doubt remembering this was his final chance to abduct the Avatar in neutral territory. Oblivious to this Aang was "reading" the latest issue of Playboy held discreetly under the table out of Katara's view.
The final bachelor sat at the end of the table with a disposable container attached to his mouth. He was none other than the foaming dude from Kyoshi Island.
"Hey… you there." I called out to him. "I can't keep calling you foaming guy, so can we have a name please?"
"(Gurgle) Gick Gun Grool" he spoke up through a mouth full of foam.
"If I had to guess…" Baal cut in, smirking, "He just said Pick One Fool."
"Ok..aay." I frowned, "How about Dick?"
"(Gurgle) Grod GNo."
"I'll take that as a yes! The foaming Dude is hence forth known as Dick!"
"They're mad if they think I'm attracted to him!" whispered Katara to Sokka indignantly.
Baal heard the comment and shot Katara a glare. "Ungrateful twit, do you know how much we had to bribe these guys to get them here? You aren't that popular you know! So be thankful Dick is here instead of the cabbage man"
"Enough! Please. Let us start!" I shouted but before I could continue, our attention was diverted to a huge bang at the entrance.
Baal glanced towards the noise and screwed his eyes shut. Zuko looked at the entrance too and exhaled sharply as he saw the woman blocking the doorway.
The figure took up every spare inch of the double doors, effectively blocking the light from the sun. Consequently, the whole office was thrown into darkness.
The most hideous woman anyone had ever seen… it was…it was… ANTI-SUE!
Baal's new secretary.
The woman tried to walk in through the doorway but she got stuck. Ten agents came and tried to push her in but without success. Suddenly:
"Doh…Me hungry," she rasped in a low guttural voice and ate the nearest agent. All the others backed away and ran.
The occupants in the room just sat there in silence, taking in her every detail…every revolting detail.
A 280-pound lump with pimples oozing pus. Her lanky hair was filled with insects of all kinds, some which you only find in the Amazon rainforest.
She lifted her arm to scratch her head and a whole bucket full of fat dripped off. She quickly scooped it up again and stuffed it back up her sleeve muttering a slow 'S-O-R-R-Y!'
Her legs were the size of those hundred-year-old trees found only in New Zealand, they were also dripping in fats and oils.
Every guest turned and simultaneously looked at Baal.
"Don't look at me." Baal groused. "La Femme hired her. My poor eyes…" he whined
If the Mary sues healed wounds, anti sues opened them. If Mary made people see, anti sues blinded!
I looked around the table and saw all the males take a vow of celibacy. Wow, I didn't know the effect was so bad!
Baal threw me a pathetic look.
"Why'd you have to hire her sis? Why do you like to torture me? ME, who doesn't' harm a fly!"
"Yeah right! Tell me why you hired Mary Sue?" I scoffed.
"I didn't hire Mary Sue cuz she was pretty." Baal complained.
"No?" I smirked.
"No. That woman could make the best cup of coffee, EVER!" Baal scowled. "Now I have no coffee at all. This woman must be shitting in the cup instead of making coffee!" Baal put his head and his hands and pouted.
"Sexist!" Katara screamed.
Baal didn't bother to comment.
"S-I-R,… I… H-A-V-E… Y-O-U-R… C-O-F-F-E-E…!" the woman stuck at the door said slowly.
Baal didn'r reply as he was too busy thinking of how sharp the blade would have to be to slit his wrists.
"Why does she talk so slowly?" Katara asked.
But before Baal could reply, Sokka suddenly spoke up, "Man is that her face? It looks like her neck threw up!" Everyone except the girls laughed. Baal perked up immediately.
"Wow, her waist size should be called the 'Equator'!" Zuko stated. Baal fell on to floor laughing.
"I met her in the street while I was driving … she was so fat that when I swerved to avoid her I ran out of gas!" Baal was beating the carpet with his fists. Katara scowled.
"She's so slow, she'll have to speed up to stop!" Sokka howled.
"Classic!" Haru cried.
"She's so dumb, I saw her throw a rock at the ground and she missed!" Baal stuffed his fists in his mouth to stop laughing.
"You know Baal we should really get going." I said looking at the boy who was rolling around on the floor with mirth.
"C'mon! Just one more, she's so fat she has three heart attacks DAILY!" Baal stated as the woman screwed up her eyes in pain as she had another heart attack. Baal forced himself to sit back down. He was still shaking from laughter. Even I had to control myself, the jokes were mean but I was sure that the weird woman at the door was too stupid to understand the jokes anyway. I was satisfied to know that Baal actually hated his secretary. I wrote it down on my list of 'Great Things Accomplished in my Lifetime'.
A few seconds later Baal's infamous scowl was back on his face. Zuko put on his too for full effect.
"Ok, you, you, you, you and you" Baal said pointing at the five bachelors, "Go and sit in those chairs facing the windows." The boys took their seats muttering.
Suddenly the foaming dude got up and crashed out of the French windows. Everyone hurried to the hole in the glass in utter shock.
The sight was amazing.
The foaming guy was falling down in slow motion with a trail of foam behind him.
Baal shook his head. "Oh, this is going to be bad!"
"That guy just died and all you can say is—" Baal held up his hand and silenced Katara.
"I'll take care of this on my own thank you." Baal took out a phone and talked into it, "take out the trash on the ground floor. All evidence must be removed" Baal closed his phone and took a seat facing the (now) four boys. I took the seat beside him.
"Ok let's start this who-is-Katara's-true-love-Q&A," I said. Everyone took his or her respective seats.
"I will ask the first question," Baalsaid. The room was still in perpetual shadow thanks to the woman stuck at the door.
"How many grand children will Katara have?" Baal shot the question at the shaken guests. Ishook my head in disbelief at the utter stupidity of that question, how are they supposed to know?
Katara awaited the answers expectantly. So was Aang who had never learned of human reproduction.
"As much as I want" Zuko muttered after a brief moment of silence.
out of the corner of his mouth Aang whispered, "Sokka help me out here"
"As many as needed to build my personal anti fire bender army" Jet cut in before Sokka could say anything.
"No thank you. I'm the only child and I want all my father's attention on ME. Got it?" Haru stated firmly. Baal rolled his eyes and took out the next question.
Katara scowled and asked her own question before Baal could dominate the questionnaire.
"Do you think I'm pretty?"
For some reason this question seemed to offend Zuko. He turned and ugly shade of puce and growled. "NOT too pretty for me."
Aang chose to ignore this weird statement and gushed, "You're beauty divine." Katara blushed in pleasure at his words. However, her joy was short lived for Jet answered next. "I've seen better"
Jet's murder was stalled due to Haru. The earth bender performed another crazy rant.
"My father IS a handsome man. I'm not saying this because I'm his son. No, he has a certain aura around him. When he speaks people listen. I missed him for the five years he was gone you know. Sniff sniff."
Baal had enough and made it known. "Excuse me dumbo, do you think Katara is pretty or not? We don't want a report of your obsession with your own father ok?"
Haru blinked in confusion. "Katara? Ugh. She's a girl."
Baal knocked himself out.
Pin drop silence.
I cleared my throat. "(cough) Let's move on…"
Katara tore her gaze away from Haru with difficulty. "If I was trapped in a burning tower, how would you rescue me?"
Zuko sneered "Who said I would rescue you?" Katara glared back.
"Blah blah air bending blah." Aang lectured.
"I'll create a stairway of rock right up to the pinnacle of the tower and I'll sweep you into my arms and bring you down to safety. No fire shall consume my father." Haru expressed in a dreamy voice. Haru was lucky that Baal was comatose.
"When your screams attract the fire benders I will attack in the V- formation and take them down." read Jet from, 'How To Attack the Fire Nation and Get Away With It, by Jeong Jeong.
"Okaaaaaay right. On with the questions." I muttered. This was getting too weird.
"What is the my most prized possession?"
"You actually own something?" Zuko sneered.
"Your mother's necklace…" Aang said doubtfully. Katara nodded in agreement and Aang brightened up.
"My father wasn't a materialistic man but he did have a fondness for the whip." I stared at Haru as he replied oh so casually. Who's idea was it to bring him anyway? Oh yeah mine…he he he.
"I don't know but I hope it's some sort of WMD to wipe out the fire benders." Jet stated quite emotionlessly.
"If I marry you, what will I get as a wedding present?" Katara plowed on with determination.
"You'll get me and my uncle." Zuko said clearly. Katara fainted at the idea of living with that old nutcase.
"Anything you want Katara. A pebble? A flower, another necklace you name it," Aang said innocently.
"We're getting married? OH MY GAWD….i've been waiting sooooooooooooo long, father. I would have acted sooner but I thought it was illegal." Haru screamed in pleasure.
"Er…yes the fire nation will surely attack a wedding. That's when we strike!" Jet pounded his chair.
"What's my favourite past time?"
"Monologuing" Zuko stated the absolute truth with one word. Katara gritted her teeth. Truth hurts little girl I thought to myself.
"Practicing water bending" Aang uttered the wrong answer for once.
"Staring at my farther changing his clothes after 5 years. 5 YEARS people. C'mon can't you understand the anguish a child would feel not seeing his father for 5 years?"
Baal chose this moment to wake up and was unfortunate to hear all of this.
"Oh you poor…" Baal fought with himself and finally finished with, "…freak show" and knocked himself out again.
Jet intervened. "Favourite past time? I'd have to say you have a fondness for aiding the Fire Nation by freezing certain heroic resistance leaders to tree trunks." Jet muttered giving an evil look at Katara who heartily returned it.
"If I ever run away hurt, would you come search for me?"
"Sure if the Avatar is with you… if not, I will offer a feast to the gods thanking them for taking you away." Zuko noted down happily.
"I will search the earth, the moon, the stars, and the water just like Zuko did to capture me. But unlike Zuko I will actually find you." Aang said dramatically. Zuko rolled his eyes.
"If you run away, I will run away with you, to comfort you, to see to your needs."
Everyone sighed thinking that Haru was finally getting on track.
"NEVER! NEVER I SAID!" Jet screamed for some unknown reason. He immediately took some pills… Baal's pills.
"How much do you have in your bank account?"
Baal suddenly woke up. "Bank… ?" he muttered. He always came around whenever he heard that word.
Zuko sniffed scornfully, "I'm a Prince. I don't have a bank account. I own the freaking BANK."
"Don't look at me," Aang averted his eyes, "…I'm just a simple monk. Ok ok so what? I stole all the gold from the monks at the temple and that's why they died, they died of starvation. And I just HAD to lose the key to the vault too, in that bloody storm…" Aang hung his head in shame.
Katara gasped. Sokka grinned like the idiot he was.
Baal leaned over and whispered, "You know, you have to consider being my partner in crime. Can't deny the position to a mastermind like you."
Aang would have replied if Katara hadn't pushed Baal away.
"Keep him out of your petty crimes!" she shouted. Baal snorted. Only I knew how 'petty' his crimes were.
"No comment" Haru whispered silently.
"If I had a bank account, do you think I'll bother with this resistance shit?" Jet made a very good point.
This was getting totally and utterly useless so I decided to intervene.
"Do you guys even want to marryKatara?"
"No, I was just playing along…" Zuko sneered.
Aang shuffled his feet "No. Don't look at me like that! I think I'm too young to be tied down.No wait… My Career comes first…No… I think we should let our relationship mature. Er…Yeah that's it." Aang read aloud from the 'Ultimate Break-up guide by Jun Kamikaze.'
"Katara? No. My Father? OF COURSE" Haru performed a triple axel in pleasure .
"NO!" Jet screamed before downing some more pills. I stared at him for a moment before grabbing some pills and taking some myself.
Baal sighed knowing that he had just wasted a lot of time for a stupid little girl.
Suddenly the noise of a chainsaw just outside the boardroom was heard. Baal took a step closer to the woman blocking the door just as she screamed. The noise was so loud Baal was thrown against the other wall. Baal got up dazed and to his amazement saw two dozen girls wearing 'Marry me Zuko' shirts trying to hack their way through the lump of fat that had been stuck near the door.
"Everybody go to the window" Baal shouted pushing the others towards the French windows.
He pressed a button under his desk and a hover copter glided outside and waited while the French windows opened and a bridge came up leading to it.
We immediately ran towards the helicopter. Zuko came last and on his way tripped on a randomly dropped playboy magazine. I watched in horror as he fell very slowly and crashed onto the carpet. It was no surprise that he was immediately set upon by his own drooling fans.
"Zukooooooooooooooooo" I screamed, reaching out my hand. The Prince tried to grab it but missed and was completely overwhelmed by the rabid fan girls. Everything moved in slow motion. "Noooooooooooooooo" I screamed, trying desperately to catch hold of his outstretched arm, "Leave him La Femme, there's nothing we can do." shouted Baal as he pulled me back. . "No, we can't leave him…" I cried, and then I realized that this has turned out to be a crappy B-rated movie and shut my mouth.
The copter glided away, as the office grew smaller and smaller…
Sorry guys for keeping you for so long, but as always RL comes first. This is the end of the Top Ten Questions, and even though we hoped to put in a sequel, we are unable to do so. We shall of course continue with the Hell High soon.
Hope you guys like
it coz it and thanks for staying for so long. The last review made us
finally complete this crazy tale of never ending questions and fun.
With this we leave you all until we come back with another chapter for Hell High.
Baal & Femme.