A/N: Ok, last part. This is meant to be funny and stupid. I know there are plot holes ect. But who cares. This isn't meant to be a grand example of my writing. There was no beta reader so all mistakes are probably mine and really glaring.
This story doesn't really go with the others I have written so pretend it doesn't exist.
Disclaimer: Not mine, ect.
Just like Riding a Bike 2
On Monday afternoon, Cuddy and Chase sat in the cafeteria sharing very healthy lunches. They had spent the weekend discussing training strategies and ideas on how to drive House nuts with curiosity. They were about to see how well their plan was going to work.
"So, how are you feeling today?" Chase questioned as he lined his grapes up in a row and started to eat them. He liked grapes.
"Good, sore." She smiled as she took a particularly plump looking one. It was killing her not to turn her head to see how House and Wilson were reacting to seeing the Dean of Medicine and a lowly Fellow enjoying lunch together.
"The fit was alright? The tube wasn't too long or too short?" House and Wilson both went wide eyed.
"No, it felt just perfect. You're quite good at this but my ass and hips do hurt."
"I warned you they would after the first few times. You just have to get back into the groove of it and you'll be right." He gave her hair a playful tug, conscious of the fact that House had just done a spit take and Wilson sat with spaghetti half hanging out of his mouth.
"I know, but I can barely walk. Your routines are just wicked and to think that you can do them while barely breaking a sweat." She fanned herself.
"Practice, you just need more practice." He leaned in close to her ear and whispered, "I wish you could see the look on House's face. It's bloody priceless."
She turned to him, allowing her hair to obscure both of their faces. "I'm sure it is. I give them less then 10 seconds after I leave, before they are over here pestering you. Don't crack."
"I won't. I've kept much worse secrets much longer."
"Good." She said, leaning back and straightening his collar in a newly familiar way. If nothing else, she wished she could at least find him some better clothes. There was just something cosmically wrong with someone so beautiful dressing like they found their close in a rubbish bin. "I'll see you after work."
"Too right, Dr. Cuddy." He watched her walk away. She had a great ass. He started counting to 10 ten in his head. He made it to 6 before he felt the tap of House's cane on his left shoulder.
"Bucking for a promotion, junior?" Chase could almost feel Wilson on his other side. He raised an eyebrow quizzically. It bothered House when he did that because it was something House couldn't do.
"No more than Dr. Cameron is." He finally answered and tried to stand. The cane remained on his shoulder. He heard the sound of a chair being pulled out beside him.
"Chase," Wilson began, almost bursting with curiosity. He hadn't believed House about the affair but he was beginning to.
"Yes, Dr. Wilson." Chase smiled politely at the oncologist. Of course House would send in the soft negotiator. House and Wilson had the good cop bad cop routine down perfectly.
"We were just wondering what is going on with you and Dr. Cudd?" Was as far as he got.
"How is Julie doing? I haven't seen her joining you for lunch lately. I hope she is well." The Aussie asked breezily as he pushed his chair back, pressing the top into House's bad thigh. "If you'll excuse me, I have rounds." Wilson looked like a puppy that had just gotten kicked and House was cursing at the top of his lungs as Chase strolled off to hide in the lab, running gel tests with Cameron and Foreman.
After some time, House managed to catch his breath enough to speak. "You see what I mean?"
"Yes." Wilson answered as he helped guide his friend into a chair. "There is definitely something going on there. Cuddy seems way too happy and Chase way to confident."
"I'd be confident too if I were banging the Dean of Medicine. It's not like he has to worry about his job."
"Why exactly do you care, anyway? It's not like you have feelings for Cuddy and I really hope you don't have them for Chase." Wilson asked.
"It makes a difference." House huffed. "And you know you are my constant homosexual crush."
"By the way, didn't Chase already smack you down once for interfering in his personal life?"
"It was more of a friendly tap, actually."
"You sound like a little boy who is jealous because one of his buddies had discovered girls."
"I do not. Chase is my Fellow and Cuddy has no right to monopolize his time. Besides, girls are yucky. They have cooties."
"You're just mad because your lap dog might be keeping someone else's lap warm. It really is sad you know." Wilson was trying to hide his desire to know what was going on too.
"No, what is sad is that he somehow managed to weasel his way out of talking to both of us."
"Wouldn't he have wombatted his way out of it?" Wilson joked as he produced two cookies from his pocket, handing one to House.
"Whatever but I am going to find out what is going on with them."
"How? Your best spy is the one you want spied on." Generally speaking, Cameron was sent to find out information. She was good at coming up with patterns in the randomness of personal histories. But if it was something really juicy and really hard to find, it was Chase that House sent. The Aussie had an amazing talent to convince people to trust him and open up to him. But Wilson was right, if it had been anyone else, he would have sent the blonde to find out. He would have to be creative on this one. He would observe for awhile maybe drop a question or two until the answer came to him. He had time.
Three weeks later, "House has been backing off quite a bit lately." Chase commented from his vantage point reclining on Cuddy's couch. "It's almost been nice." For weeks, House had been stalking him, badgering him, and generally making his life hell trying to figure out what was up with the Aussie and Cuddy. However, the elder doctor never came right out and asked.
"Then we need to do something to spark his interest again." She racked her brain trying to think of some way to drop a subtle hint that her and Chase were in a relationship. It was, however, difficult to concentrate with Chase sprawled out on her couch looking like a beautiful, human buffet. She almost felt bad, knowing that Chase was taking most of the flack from House.
"Maybe lipstick on the collar?" The Aussie ran his hand through his hair. His sleeves were rolled up, exposing his forearms.
"No, too obvious and over done. We need something that can go either way." She spun in her chair, propping her feet up on the corner of her desk. Chase tried not to notice the fact he could see strait up her skirt. "Perfume." She finally commented, sitting up and unbuttoning her jacket to reveal a silky chemise.
"Explain." Chase asked while thinking, 'Bless me, Father, because I am thinking about sinning.'
Cuddy reached in her drawer and pulled out an expensive bottle of cologne. She spritzed it into the air and then walked through the mist, recapping it and placing it back in her drawer. "Come here." He commanded and enjoyed watching the slight pull of his abs as he sat up, even through his ugly shirt she could see they were nice and taught. He obediently stood in front of her, waiting wide eyed for more instructions. 'You must be freaking awesome in bed the way you always wait for someone else to tell you what to do.' She thought and wrapped her arms around him, making sure to press her chest close to him. She even went so far as to rub her chin on the collar of his shirt. He stood stock still during this, slightly stiff. "Wrap your arms around me like you are hugging me. I need to get the smell of my perfume on you."
"And you couldn't just spray it on me?" He asked as he held her close. She felt so perfect pressed against him. The feel of her hair tickling just below his ear sent electricity shooting strait to his groin.
"No, that would be too strong. It has to be subtle so that only another woman would notice." She explained. 'Oh my freaking God, his hair is soft.' She looked up at him, 'Even the underside of his nose is attractive. How can the underside of someone's nose be attractive?' She thought.
"Oh. Won't it be too subtle? We want someone to notice." He asked, just to talk and distract himself. 'Think about puppies, cute cuddly puppies. Don't let the puppies morph into Cuddy playing with the puppies and looking rumpled, happy, and sexy.' He gave himself a mental shake. 'Think about rashes, that will work, weeping, scabby rashes.'
"Trust me, Dr. Cameron will notice. Woman always do." She shifted slightly so that she was now rubbing against his neck and jaw on the other side. She was like a cat rubbing her scent glands around her home to ward away others, effectively marking him to other women as taken. "I appreciate you not making any snide comments about how this looks." She tried to remain professional; it was all she had left.
"I promise you will hear nothing snarky come out of my mouth. I can't make that same promise for other parts of my anatomy though." He joked, trying to deflect that fact that he was getting an erection like a 13 year old, who got his first glimpse of a naked lady.
"Don't worry; it's just an autonomic reflex. Any stimulation would create the same reaction." Cuddy tried to set him at ease, wondering if there was any way she could throw him down and ravage him without his realizing it. "Ok, I think we're done." She smiled at him, both of them blushing.
"'Kay. I'll see you after work." He waved, pulling back on his lab coat and left.
Twenty minutes later, he Cameron, Stacy, Foreman, and House stood in the hallway discussing the most recent patient. The lift came and House ushered them all into it. Chase normally wouldn't take them but he wanted in on the rest of the conversation. They had to go up five floors and the lift was stopping at every one.
On the second stop, Stacy lifted her head up and looked around. "What is that smell?" She questioned.
"That was me, Wilson and I had Mexican last night." House answered.
"No not that. I know what you smell like." She dismissed House's rather rancid self. "No, it's sweet, like perfume."
"I don't smell anything." Foreman commented.
Cameron lifted her head up, turning it from side to side, air scenting like a bird dog. "I smell it too." She turned to Chase and leaned closer to him, inhaling. "It's Chase." She ran her nose up his chest and collar. Stacy also leaned in and smiled. "That smells like a woman's perfume." Cameron continued. Chase blushed, letting his hair fall over his face.
"That smells like Cuddy's perfume." Stacy commented.
"I'm going to check on the patient." Chase said quickly and uncomfortably then darted through the doors just as they were closing after the third stop. When the doors were closed, he stood for a moment and smiled, "Gotcha."
House and Wilson sat together at House's apartment that night, watching Monday night Football. Wilson had brought beer, pizza, and Spot. House was pleased with the first and second but not too happy with the third. But, at least Spot didn't shed as much as Wilson's old dog. The oncologist mindlessly pet Spot, who had his head and one paw settled on his daddy's lap. The two were taking up the entire sofa; good thing House preferred the chair. Spot was undeniably Wilson's best friend. When Wilson was upset it wasn't House or his wife he went to first, it was Spot. Mostly, because, Spot didn't yell at him or say nasty things to him. No, Spot would just look up at him, wag his tail, and listen, which was what over stressed oncologists with bad marriages and surly best friends sometimes needed.
"They are doing each other. You know they are." House stated.
"So you keep saying, but there is no proof."
"What about Cuddy's perfume?"
"Coincidence. He was in her office, maybe she put some one and he walked through the mist." Wilson was starting to believe his friend but he enjoyed pushing his buttons. House was like a dog with a bone. It just killed him that Chase wasn't following him around like a little brother wanting to fit in and that Cuddy was no longer rising to fight with him.
"Unlikely. He is doing her or she is probably doing him. I'm sure she is the dom in the relationship."
"If they had one, then yes, obviously but, there is proof that they do."
"I bet you $100 that I can prove that they are dating by the end of the month."
"I'll take that action. But your proof has to be indisputable."
"Fine." The two shook on it and turned back to the game.
Two days later, Wilson knocked on the door of the Diagnostics Department. House waved him in, but instead he just stuck in head in. "I need Chase." House raised and eyebrow at his friend and gave a pointed look at the very attractive blonde in the lab coat behind him.
"Take him, I don't need him. He hasn't come up with a good ideas in hours."
Chase walked outside and smiled at Wilson and the other doctor. "I need a favour." Wilson handed the intensivist a file.
"Let me guess." Chase started as he leafed through the medical history. "You need someone admitted to the ICU and you don't think Dr. Standish will let you ,so you need me to go around him? Am I getting warm?"
"Red hot actually." Wilson smiled and turned to the woman. She was a cute perky blonde with a sprightly upturned nose, thick hair, and soft brown eyes. She was curvaceous with big breasts and too much make up. Just the kind of woman Wilson loved and Chase usually ignored. "Dr. Swanson, this is Dr. Chase, he can be your best friend sometimes. Chase is an intensivist and can have people admitted to the ICU without having to go through their stickler of a department head"
" Hello Dr. Chase. I'm Dr. Swanson, one of Dr. Wilson's new Residents." Her smile widened as she looked up and down at the awesome Aussie meat in front of her.
"Nice to meet you Dr. Swanson." He answered, moving back half a step away from her. He really didn't want another dopey woman crushing on him.
"So about my patient?" Wilson asked, watching the exchange, slightly annoyed. One, because she had taken such a liking to Chase and not to himself, and two, because Chase clearly seemed disinterested which would only help House's case.
"I don't know. Standish is right. There is really no reason to waste a bed on this guy." The patient was cancer patient and failed on of the three rules for ICU admittance, a chance of recovering from the under lying condition.
"Come on, he's part of a study. I just need him kept alive till Monday." Wilson almost whined.
"Let's go look at him." Chase started to head of towards the man's room.
"My word isn't good enough?" Wilson acted hurt.
"I'm not House. I'm not going to do something just because you asked." He smiled back at the oncologist, completely ignoring the cow eyed blonde checking him out. Chase would help Wilson out, there wasn't any doubt, but he needed to at least be able to defend himself when Standish started reaming him for it.
That afternoon, Wilson and House sat eating lunch. "So, your blonde piece of ass couldn't score with my blonde piece of ass. I guess that means mine is better than yours."
"It means no such thing." Wilson tried to counter.
"What it does mean is that I won the bet." House said with relish as he stole one of Wilson's chips.
"No way!" He exclaimed and batted his friend's hand away from his plate.
"Yes way. Do you really think a single guy would turn down that hottie you hired? And unless Chase is chaste, then Chase is taken. He is just the ridiculously loyal type of twerp that would never cheat on his girl friend. Not to mention Cuddy would probably cut his balls off."
"First, maybe she wasn't his type. Second, you hired Cameron and turned her down and she is equally as hot as Swanson so what does that say about you? And third, maybe Chase is gay. Not proof enough."
"I hadn't thought of that." House commented thoughtfully.
The next day, House walked up behind Chase, who was dutifully running tests like he had been told. Both of them knew that Chase was just biding his time until he was asked to go scrub for surgery. The blonde was House's preferred duckling to send into OR, mostly by process of elimination. Cameron got bored and usually had no idea what was going on, not because she was stupid or a bad doctor but because surgical requirements were very limited for a specialty in immunology. Foreman usually knew what was going on and took good notes, but most of the surgeons couldn't stand him. His notes were too detailed and they always feared that he would burry them if he were called before a jury. Not to mention, he had a habit of trying to tell them how to do their jobs. Surgeons can be so touchy. Chase on the other hand; or was it a third hand, Chase could be foot; was good because he stood quietly and didn't cause problems. He had the most surgical experience from the increased anesthesia and surgical education requirements for his specialty. And of course there was the added benefit that Chase liked wearing scrubs and had to there in recovery anyway, so why not send him.
"Hello, blondie." House said by way of an opening. Chase flinched, clearly having not noticed that House was there. "How are the tests coming?"
"Negative for everything so far. Cameron went to talk to the family again. I really think we need to do a clonidine infusion just incase I am right and the neurological symptoms are from AWS. If I'm wrong then there is very little damage done they don't have to know what one drug out of all the ones we are giving him does. But if I am right and we don't do anything, then his post operative survival stats drop dramatically." Chase implored without turning around. The other two had discounted his theory that the patient's tachycardia, tremors, hallucinations, and anxiety were cause by alcohol withdrawal.
"I'll think about it." House was torn as to what to do about this. Chase had a good head about this sort of thing and by far the most experience dealing with alcohol related issues, however, the Aussie tended to project his own unpleasant experiences on to others. But what the hell, the kid was right, no harm no foul. He walked up closer behind Chase, till he was almost touching him.
"Do you know when the surgery is scheduled?" The blonde asked casually,
"Seven tomorrow morning." House breathed into the back of his duckling's hair. The Aussie shivered and spun around, awkwardly pinned between House and the lab table.
House looked deep into the Aussie's eyes and whispered, "So, if Dr. Swanson isn't to your taste, then maybe I am?" He questioned as he shifted his cane between Chase's legs, creasing the fabric of the younger man's trousers.
"Dr. House, please." The blonde gasped, trying to think of some way to extricate himself that didn't involve throwing a punch at his boss but would prevent his sac from resting on the handle of House's cane.
"Please what?" House questioned breathily, moving even closer and reaching a hand out to push Chase's bangs behind his ear.
"Please move." Chase squeaked as a hand joined the cane under his balls. House was totally breaking the Brotherhood of Blokes rules. You just don't touch another man's nads, you just don't!
"Move where, some place more private?" House teased and was quite amazed as Chased managed to do a cartoonesque maneuver to save himself. The Aussie hitched his bum up onto the counter and the slid backwards far enough to get his feet onto the lab table then skittered behind the centrifuge, effectively trapping himself against the wall but away from House.
"Dr. House, I don't know what you have been taking but I really think you need to go lie down or something." He stammered, curling himself up as small as he could get between expensive machines.
About that time, Foreman came walking in, looking askance at the configuration of his coworkers. House smiled off handedly at him, "There was a spider in the corner. Who knew wombats were so afraid of spiders?" Foreman gave Chase a strange look as the Aussie stepped around the DNA sequencing machine and jumped down, sticking as close as he could to the counter and always keeping something between himself and House. He then literally hid behind Foreman.
"I came to tell you that Mr. Montegue's stats are dropping I think Chase needs to go monitor him." Foreman said evenly, trying not to cock his head like a confused dog.
"Well then away with you. Out, out, damn spot." House waved his ducklings from the lab but Chase wouldn't leave until Foreman came with him.
Just then Wilson arrived, "Are you making fun of my dog again?" He asked from behind Chase. The intensivist jumped nearly a foot in the air and spun around, backing himself further into Foreman. The black doctor put a hand out to steady his younger compatriot.
"Let's go, Chase." He pushed the blonde from the room, giving one look over his shoulder at House's smirk.
"Yeah, let's go." Chase actually ran out of the lab leaving Wilson and House together.
"So, what is all that about?" Wilson asked, closing the file he had been reading.
"I don't think Chase is gay." House answered, settling himself on a stool. "and if he is, he isn't attracted to me."
"And you find that surprising?"
"I am a very handsome man you know. I have woman throwing themselves at me all the time."
"Strippers don't count."
"Cameron." House retorted.
"Is suspected of throwing herself at Chase, which started this whole farce in the first place."
"I would say your wife, but she won't even throw herself at you."
"Touché." Wilson answered. As House stood up, grabbing the back of his friend's lab coat and using it to wipe off the handle of his cane. "What are doing?"
"Cleaning my cane."
"What was on it?" Wilson asked, looking worriedly at the handle.
"Ball sweat." House answered and limped out, leaving Wilson spinning in circles, trying to see the back of his coat.
Chase made sure to go by Cuddy's office later that day, stopping into say only one line. "It isn't completely autonomic," then walked out.
Cuddy and Chase continued to train together after work and on weekends and House continued to hound his duckling about it. The Aussie was holding up well. His manufactured reactions ranged from amused, disdainful, irritated, to worried. House was about ready to start dunking Chase's head in a toilet until he talked. That was, in fact, the topic of conversation between himself and Wilson as they sat at an outdoor café on Sunday afternoon, enjoying their coffee. Wilson had Spot, his Dalmatian, with him and was mindlessly petting him as House ranted.
Wilson had mostly tuned out as he meditatively ran his hand down his dog's head but House's loud cry brought him back. "I've got it!"
"Well don't drink out of my cup. I don't want to catch it." Wilson answers as Spot let out a sad whine and paddled a paw at his master, protesting the cessation of the pets.
"You're a funny little man. No, I mean I have figured out how to find out about Cuddy and Chase. I have been a fool about this. Don't ask Chase, never ask Chase about anything. This is the same guy who won't even admit he is British."
"Probably because he is Australian." Wilson supplied helpfully, leaning down between his legs to kiss between Spot's eyes.
"Same difference. Chase is as slippery as an oiled eel when you are trying to get information from him but Cuddy on the other hand is easy enough to fluster into doing anything."
"So you are going to start asking your boss about her love life?" Wilson questioned skeptically. House was becoming obsessed with figuring out the dynamic between Chase and Cuddy. He had been interested at first but now not so much. He still wondered what they saw in each other but, in truth, both of them seemed much happier. Cuddy wasn't nearly as snappy and rude and she rarely walked around scowling anymore. Chase also seemed more confident and cheerful. The Aussie was no longer letting House push him around as much, well, he still let his boss push him around but he was no longer at House's beck and call 24 hours a day.
"No, that would be insane. You and I are going to go pay her a visit right now." House rose and threw money down on the table.
"We are?" Wilson stood up and Spot also rose, his tail wagging back and forth slowly. He didn't care what they did, so long as he and his 'daddy' were together.
Against Wilson's better judgement, he drove House, Spot, and himself to Cuddy's home.
At Cuddy's abode, she and Chase had just finished their long ride for the week. They sat out by Cuddy's pool, sipping water and talking about nothing in particular. Chase enjoyed their conversations, she actually listened to what he said without discounting him as a moron like House and Foreman always did and she respected boundaries unlike Cameron.
"You know, I turned the hot tub on before we left, it should be nice and warm now., just the perfect thing for over worked muscles." She commented, worried that he had been favouring his bad knee more than usual. At least that was what she would use as a reason if pressed, really she just wanted to see him in swimming trunks.
"Sounds tempting but I don't have anything to wear."
"I'm sure I have something here. I'll let you in on a little secret, Dr. Chase, women always have men's boxer shorts around not because they belonged to ex boyfriends but because they are comfy to sleep in." She smiled conspiratorially at him. He smiled back.
"Ok. But I have to be at work at five." They both rose and changed.
The water was perfect, warm and bubbly enough to ward off the chill in the air. Chase leaned back, relishing in the feel of it when Cuddy came out, a long robe covering her suit. 'Please have on a one piece suit, a big granny one piece with a stupid little skirt.' He prayed to no one in particular.
No such luck, a skimpy, red bikini, of course. "How is the water?" She asked, looking any where but at the wavy view of his muscular thighs.
"Great." He answered and curled his legs up a little. She settled in to the spa and leaned back, her long hair up with a few pieces trailing down to rest on the hallow where her shoulder met her neck. Chase was clearly convinced God was punishing him for all the times he had masturbated as a teenager. Why couldn't Cuddy look like Vogler?
"I'm worn out. This training is harder than I thought it would be." She commented, just to hear his voice. She loved listening to him talk. And she loved the self conscious little way he looked down when he smiled, even though it made him look like he was about 15 and that made her feel a little like a pedophile.
"Don't worry, mate, it'll get easier. You'll be right." He encouraged her.
"I just don't understand how you have so much energy. I mean you had to work overnight last nigh and I know House has been keeping you busy but you still managed to ride circles around me."
"Excess energy, I haven't gotten laid in months." He answered truthfully immediately regretting it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud. When I'm tired I lose that filter that stops you from saying everything you're thinking." He tried to back pedal, completely embarrassed.
"I find that rather hard to believe. If you can't find a date what hope is there for mere mortals like myself. It's been so long for me I think I forgot how." She smiled at him, trying not to consider how long it had been for her. She noticed the compliment made him blush even darker so she continued to tease him for a while longer. Until he turned the teasing back on her.
"I wouldn't worry, Dr. Cuddy. It's just like riding bike." Chase joked,
"Call me Lisa." She blurted out.
"Ok, Lisa, so who is your office crush? You must have one." Chase asked.
'You, you ridiculously dense wombat.' She thought but answered, "Dr. Wilson."
'Of course, good looking, sweet, dependable, and Jewish. Too bad he couldn't be trusted within 200 meters of any sheila wearing a skirt.' "Why am I not surprised." He teased her.
"What about you? I could name ten women right now that have crushed on you but you don't ever pay them any attention." Cuddy asked. 'You can add me to that list too, you know.'
'I would say you, but that isn't a crush. I lust after you, I want to walk barefoot through your hair, I want taste every inch of you.' The Aussie thought but said, "Dr. Cameron." The stock answer.
"Why don't you ask her out?" Cuddy questioned. 'Stupid, young, pretty, vulnerable bitch! I think she needs to go on an extended educational tour until she's about 40.' She contemplated unkindly.
"I sort of did once and she said 'no'. I wasn't really asking for a date, just someone to go eat with. I was so bloody lonely I was going crazy because I hardly know anyone here and she just assumed I was trying to get into her pants. After that she made it quite clear that she thought I was a young, stupid, boy."
"Her loss." Cuddy smiled. Thinking of all the ways to amuse themselves until it was time for him to go.
Soon, it was time for them to get out, relaxed and happy. Chase had to go to work and she had to sit on the couch, watch decorating shows to get ideas to start things that she would never finish, and eat copious amounts of ice cream. She sent him in first to shower, sipping at some water, when her doorbell rang. Still her robe and nothing else, she opened her door and was met with House, Wilson, and Spot.
"Dr. Wilson, Spot, Dr. House?" The last was sneered more than said.
"Cuddy, glad to see you are ready for me, saves all that foreplay time." House tried to look down the front of her robe, she closed it tighter.
"What are you doing here?"
"We were in the neighborhood, thought we would drop by and say 'howdy' to you and Chase." House commented.
"Why would Dr. Chase be here?" She questioned, trying to sound angry and not worried. She could hear her shower running upstairs.
"Isn't that his bike out there?" House asked, pointing to Chase's red and silver triathlon bike, where it leaned against her porch. He made sure Wilson got a good look at it before he pushed his way in. "So where is he, in the shower upstairs, trying to wash your perfume off of him."
"I don't know what you are talking about. I was just about to go take a shower."
"Then why is it already on?" Wilson asked. Spot just wagged his tail and whined slightly in a peculiar way.
"I turned it on to warm up before I got in." Cuddy defended. Just then the shower upstairs turned off. House and Wilson both looked at her quizzically. "It was on a timer."
"Well it isn't working. We should go take a look at it for you. You know guys are better at fixing things like that." House offered and started up the stairs before she could protest. Wilson and Spot following close behind.
Upstairs, Chase had thought he heard House's voice and looked out side to see Wilson's car parked in front of the house. His heart almost stopped when he heard the tell tale three beat walk coming up the stairs from the foyer. This was not good, he was sopping wet, naked in his boss's boss's master bathroom and he was going to be late for work. Why did God hate him?
Not knowing what else to do, he dove under the bed, pulling all of his clothes with him. He grabbed his last shoe, just about the time House burst through to door. He could see House's trainers, cuddy's bare feet, and Wilson's loafers. But more worrying was when Spot's nose joined his four paws in Chase's view. 'Damn it. This type of thing is supposed to happen to 16 year old boys, trying to get to third base with their girlfriends. Not late 20ish doctors hanging out with a single woman.' Chase mused as he tried to fight the urge to sneeze from all the dust bunnies under the bed. He would have to worn Cuddy that her cleaning lady was cutting corners.
"As you see, there is no one up here, much less Dr. Chase." Cuddy pointed out, trying to usher the two men out of her room.
"We're here, why don't we stay and chat awhile?" House asked as he jumped onto the bed, making the frame groan. Chase had a horrible image of the entire thing collapsing and being crushed under it. He was starting to get very claustrophobic. "I'll page Chase and he can join us." House offered as he pulled out his phone to dial his youngest duckling's pager. Chase managed to fumble it out of his pocket and silence it just as House was hitting the send button. The elder man pouted when he didn't hear the shrill chirp of the Aussie's beeper.
"Will you two please get out of my room." Cuddy insisted as she hauled House off the bed.
Wilson stopped and looked down at Spot who was in a play bow, head stuffed partially under the bed, tail wagging and whining again. "What's under there, boy?" Wilson asked, about to bend down.
"Get the dog out of here before he pees on my floor." Cuddy demanded.
"Spot his house trained." Wilson answered defensively.
"Then why is he whining like that?" Cuddy countered.
"I don't know. He usually only does that when he sees people he likes." Wilson started to tug his dog away but House started to bend down.
"He doesn't whine like that when he sees me." House commented
"He normally only does it with me, Julie, or Chase."
"Chase, huh?" House asked.
"He must have found my cat." Cuddy said quickly, trying to distract House.
"You don't have a cat."
"Yes I do. His name is Cha – ester. He belonged to my niece but she developed a cat allergy." Cuddy completely fabricated.
"Oh. I'll take Spot outside." Wilson offered, somewhat puzzled at the idea of Cuddy owning a pet. But he took his dog out back and waited for House, who finally left the room, heading back downstairs.
Chase listened for any sound of people still upstairs and not hearing any, crawled out from under the bed, pulling on his clothes as fast as he could. He looked at the clock and noticed he had 20 minutes to get to work. He peeked his head out of the door and saw that House was still standing at the head of the stairs. "Damn! Go away, House!' He cursed mentally. With no other choice, he took off his shoes, opened her bedroom window, and crawled out onto her roof, praying she had finally gotten if fixed.
The Aussie stifled a curse as he stepped onto the hot shingles, even in Autumn they stored heat and were burning his feet as he walked on them. He had intended to climb down in the back, and head out, but when he reached the back of the House, he noticed Wilson and Spot sitting by the pool. 'Goddamn it!' He cursed again, followed by, 'sorry, I didn't mean it.' He could almost hear Sister Mary Agnes pulling out her ruler to smack his knuckles for taking the Lord's name in vain. The dog looked up at the roof and started to bark and whine excitedly, long tail wagging like a flag.
"Shh, be quiet Spot." Chase tried to coax the animal to be silent. He and Spot were close. Whenever the Wilson's went out of town or needed a dog sitter, Chase more than volunteered. He loved dogs and missed being able to have one of his own. He and Spot like to play together whenever possible, but now was not a good time.
"What is it? Is there a squirrel up there, taunting you?" Wilson baby talked to his dog the same moment Chase managed to duck around to the other side.
Again, trapped with no escape, he attempted to shimmy down the side Cuddy's pine tree. It worked well, until he accidentally grabbed a pine cone instead of a branch, the sharp edges bit into his hand, making him loose his grip and fall the last few feet. He landed in a pile of needles with a bone jarring thud. Before he could even get the wind back in his lungs, the front door opened and Wilson, House, and Spot emerged. He took off running across the street, ducking between houses. He hadn't even had a chance to put his shoes back on. But what bothered him more was the last thing he heard before the doctors were out of ear shot, "We'll just go to the hospital and make sure Dr. Chase is there." House told Wilson.
Chase took off running as fast as he could, zigzagging between houses and running through front yards, until he made it to a main road and managed to catch a cab. "PPTH, as fast as you can." He gasped to the surprised cabby as he pulled out his phone and tired to pull his shoes on at the same time.
"Look pal, Princeton General is closer."
"No, PPTH., now!" He barked and then dialed his phone. He waited anxiously for four rings until Dr. Gardner, his partner in crime in the ICU picked up. "Hope, listen, I need you to sign me in, now."
"Where are you?" She asked. He wasn't due to arrive for another 15 minutes or so.
"On my way, but House is going to be looking for me."
"You want me to lie?"
"To spite House, sure." She answered as the cab drew to a stop just as they left the bridge.
"What's going on?" Chase asked, starting to worry.
"Train." The cabby answered brusquely.
"I don't have time for a bloody train." He fished out $40 and threw it in the front seat, even though the meter only read $7 and took off running down the side of the road. If he cut through the park, rather than driving around it, he might make it there before House. So, he sprinted as fast as he could through the middle of the park, dodging baby carriages, kite flyer, and dog walkers, to arrive at the front door of the hospital just as Wilson was pulling in down stairs. Chase pumped his legs as fast as possible to make it up the stairs before they did. He shot down the hallway, slipping and sliding around corners, only to loose his footing and fall over just in front of their department door. He quickly hauled himself up, lungs heaving and looked around. He pulled out a half finished crossword and threw it on the table along with a chewed up pencil. Then grabbed a mug, filling it with tap water, a tea bag, and milk. He managed to slid into the chair, tipping himself back with the puzzle in his lap and pencil between his teeth just as House appeared in the door way.
"Dr. House, what are you doing here, do we have a case?" Chase tried to sound relaxed even though his lungs were burning, his legs were cramping, and he had pine needles sticking him in the ass.
"No, we just thought we would stop by." House answered, disappointed that Chase was actually there. He looked over at the dog as Spot started to whine again.
"Dr. Wilson, do you mind if I say hi to Spot?"
"Of course not. He loves you. I think you are the only person he might leave me for." Wilson laughed as he let go of the leash and the Dalmatian made a bee line for the Aussie.
"Hello, Spot, how are you doing today, mate?" Chase asked as he got down on the floor to pet his canine buddy.
"Does anyone else smell Pine air freshener?" Wilson asked
"Come to think of it, I do too." House commented, staring at his duckling.
"I spilled Pine Sol on my lab coat." Chase answered, realizing he was probably the pine smell.
"How long have you been here?" House asked, looking around, trying to find some hint that his duckling at been at Cuddy's house.
"I got here about 15 minutes ago. I was just getting a drink before I went to do rounds. Care to join me." Chase answered, sipping his tea. It tasted like ass. It was cold, weak, and the milk had seen better days. It was a serious struggle to swallow it.
"No, that's ok. I'll see you on Monday." House commented and turned to leave, Wilson following." As soon as their back was turned, Chase ran to the sink and spit out his drink, rinsing his mouth out. He then limped to the ICU to do his rounds and get Dr. Gardner to pull the needles and bark out of his shins, forearms, and ass.
As House and Wilson drove home, the oncologist turned to his friend. "Still not convinced."
"He was there."
"No he wasn't. You saw the sign in log in the ICU. He signed in at 4:45. We left Cuddy's house at 4:43. There is no way he could have made it from Cuddy's house to here in twp minutes."
"What about Spot's whine?"
"He could have found a cat. I don't have one so I don't know how he would react to it."
"It wasn't a cat. Cuddy does not have a cat."
"She's allergic to them." House commented then started smiling. "You'll get your proof by the end of the week. Trust me."
It took till Tuesday before House got his chance, but he took it when it was offered. Wilson found him in the lab mixing up a foul smelling concoction, Cameron and Foreman looking at him indulgently.
"New Clothes." Foreman commented on the smell coming from the beaker House was mixing.
"I was thinking first year med school." Cameron commented.
"Give the girl a gold star." House shot her a small grin.
"I shudder to ask, but why are you using hospital equipment to mix formaldehyde?" Wilson questioned.
"For proof." He placed it under the fume hood for a moment as he searched for an atomizer.
"All this to win $100? You know I would just give it to you."
"All this to prove I am right."
"How will this prove you're right?" Wilson leaned back against the opposite table. The two ducklings were watching them like a tennis match. Each of them were trying to figure out what their elders were talking about.
"Chase is a disgustingly healthy guy." House began. "He eats well, works out all the time, and takes good care of himself. But he does have some allergies. Cigarette smoke makes him cough like and emphysemic, gin makes him puke like a fountain but to be fair I think that's psychological, and formaldehyde makes him wheeze and break out in hives."
"I remember last year, when you made him teach that gross human anatomy course for you," Cameron said, "he practically had to wear a biohazard suite to go in there and he still ended up covered in hives and could barely breathe."
"So, I am afraid to ask how you are going to use a potentially life threatening allergy to prove your point but I will?"
"It isn't life threatening."
"From what Cameron described, it could be."
"Don't worry, I know a good immunologist." House gave Cameron another sly grin, making her beam.
"And if he goes into anaphylactic shock you know a good intensivist too, right? Wait, that's the person you're planning on poisoning."
"Don't be so dramatic. We're in a hospital, he'll be fine."
"How is this going to help you win the bet?"
"I am going to spray this on Cuddy. As reactive as Chase is to it, if he even so much as touches her, his asthma will kick in and he will break out in hives. Ispo, facto, you have your proof and I have my hundred bucks." He smiled self importantly.
"You two have a bet about whether Chase and Cuddy are sleeping together?" Foreman asked, completely shocked.
"Yes." They both answered in unison.
"You're crazy House." Foreman threw his hands in the air. "There is no way Pretty-Boy-Chase is banging Cuddy."
"You want a piece? I'll be happy to take your money." House answered
"I'll take that action."
"Me too." Cameron threw in. "But I think Chase and her are involved."
"Why?" Foreman asked.
"Haven't you seen how happy she has been lately and how happy he has been? Both of them are obviously in love."
"Or getting some regularly." House offered his own explanation. "It's a deal. By tomorrow we will know."
It turned out; it was relatively easy to douse Cuddy with formaldehyde. House just made sure to also hit her with rubbing alcohol at the same time, of course making sure they didn't hit each other, and she didn't even notice the smell. He then sat back and waited. That afternoon, while they were waiting for surgery results, Chase came limping into the office, wheezing and covered in angry red hives. His lungs could be heard wheezing from across the room
"Someone get Wilson, he owes me money." House said as he leaned forward in his chair to dial Wilson, twirling his cane.
"Chase, are you ok?" Cameron asked as she noticed how bad his breathing sounded.
"Do I look ok?" He gasped and started hacking up mucus.
"Stay here, I'm going to go get you something for this."
"I don't even know what this is?" He scratched at his collar and neck.
"Nothing fatal, just a run of the mill allergenic reaction. You'll live."
"I don't know what caused it."
"Formaldehyde," House offered as he accepted money from Foreman.
"I haven't come into contact with any formaldehyde." He clawed at the angry raised weals on his forearms. He felt like there were millions of ants crawling with tiny little legs under his skin.
"From Cuddy." House answered as Wilson walked in. The oncologist took one look at Chase and fished his wallet out.
"What do you mean?" He asked, while he subtly reached his hand into his pocket, speed dialing Cuddy so she could hear this.
"Nothing." House commented as he accepted Wilson's money. "Now, who is always right and who is always wrong?" He gloated to his friend.
"Right and wrong about what?" Chase asked, wondering where on earth Cameron was with some bloody benadryl.
"House bet me and Wilson money that you and Cuddy were doing the nasty. He doused her in formaldehyde, knowing you would break out if you got near it." Foreman came clean, pulling Chase's hands down before he could start scratching up his face, where the hives were starting to progress from his neck.
"Why would you do that?" Chase looked completely hurt. Cuddy, on the other end of the phone, with the sound silenced (good thing too because her and Stacy were reveling in what was about to happen) could just imagine the sad puppy dog look.
"Just curious." House answered as Cameron returned with a syringe of diphenhydramine and an inhaler of alburterol. He hastily accepted both.
"Just curious?" Chase whined. "Why didn't you just ask?"
"Would you have answered me truthfully?"
"If you had actually asked me, yes." Chase lied.
"You would have admitted that you were sleeping with Cuddy?" House looked skeptical.
"No, because I'm not."
"See you're lying."
"I am not."
"Then how did you get those hives. You're a liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire." House taunted.
Now Chase allowed himself to look very sad, hair falling into face, unable to meet anyone's eyes, maybe a slight wobble in the voice. "How could you think I would do something like that?"
"To secure your job." House threw out. "To get a sugar mama."
"You think I would whore myself just to keep my job? You think I would have sex with someone I barely even know and then lie about it? I'm good at my job and I don't need her money. I would never date Cuddy. She isn't even Catholic."
"You've dated someone who isn't Catholic?" Foreman asked, amazed.
"No, never." Chase answered, assuming by dating they meant actual long term, committed, thinking about marriage relationship, not one night stand or casual fling.
"Then how did you get the hives?" House countered, not liking the nasty looks he was getting from everyone in the room.
"I promised I would help her train for a bicycle race. I was helping her stretch out and do medicine ball drills." He answered dejectedly, giving one furtive glance at Cameron, allowing tears to cloud his eyes a bit. They were eating out of his hand. 'Hah, you son a bitch, teach you to screw with someone who grew up around actors.' He thought.
"So that is why your bike was at Cuddy's house?" Wilson asked. "And why she was talking about being sore and everything else." Wilson looked down, blushing from embarrassment.
"And why you smelled like her perfume." Cameron also said, as she put a friendly hand on his back. He tried not to rub against to scratch between his shoulder blades.
"There was nothing improper going on between us, Dr. House, all you had to do was ask me. You didn't have to make me break out in hives and you didn't have to sexually assault me in the lab." His face almost broke on that one. After the initial shock had worn off, he had found the entire thing most amusing. Cuddy had nearly choked on her dinner when he had told her about it.
"You what?" Wilson and Foreman asked simultaneously.
"He makes it sound much more impressive and criminal than it really was." House tried to deflect their curiosity. "So all the times you kept saying you are going to meet her after work or on days off are to ride bikes?"
"Yes." Chase shoved his chair back. "And if you had just given me the same amount of respect as you would give to the janitor and asked, rather than trying to manipulate and insinuate your way into my personal life, again, you would have found out a lot sooner. I thought we were through with all of this. I thought that you understood that I wasn't comfortable with you interfering in my personal life." He stormed out onto the balcony. Behind him he could hear Cameron's concerned criticisms, Foreman's ranting, and Wilson pragmatically asking for his money back. Chase allowed an evil grin to creep across his face, and then scratched his arms.
Two minutes later, he heard, "limp, step, tap" behind him. Right on time! "Dr. House." Chase said without looking at him.
"Chase," the elder doctor sighed. He didn't want to apologize, but was afraid he would loose his head if he didn't. "I didn't mean anything by it. I was just curious. More about Cuddy than you really. It was supposed to be in good fun. I didn't think you would get angry about it."
"You didn't think I would get angry if you set off a massive allergenic reaction just to prove something about a part of my life that is none of your business?" Chase asked.
"It sounds bad when you say it." House looked down and scuffed his cane against the ground. "Look, you get this once, and only once. I'm sorry. I was out of line and shouldn't have tried to find out about your personal life."
"Apology accepted." Chase said, as he turned to look at House. The elder man looked contrite. It was a strange look for him.
"Now, let's get you back inside before you fall on your face from the amount of benedryl Cameron gave you." House took his arm and steered the younger man into a chair, to sleep off the drugs.
Just before eight, Chase paced back and forth from one end of Cuddy's office to the other. He was like a caged lion, itching to kill something. "Of all the insufferable conceit. How dare he think that he has any right to know what goes on with me when I am not here. I'm not the self destructive drug addict." The Aussie ranted.
Cuddy didn't even look up from the papers she was shuffling around her desk. "Dr. Chase. I have a board meeting in 20 minutes so would you please be quiet? If you need something to do with your mouth then come here and I will give you something to do with it."
Chase turned around and walked over to her, immediately dropping to his knees in front of her. He pushed her tight, pink, tweed skirt up over her hips, kissing his way up her garders. "Yes ma'am!"
A/N: So, what did you think? It was a stupid idea that turned into a stupid story but it was sort of fun to write. It was nice to have Chase and Cuddy come out on top for once. Also, I know formaldehyde is more commonly known for causing asthma like respiratory symptoms in allergies but in severe or direct skin contact it can also have skin involvement.