Your Words Scare Me
Logan's eyes widened. Had she just said what he thought she had said? Was she willing to give them another go?
"No, no, don't look at me like that!" Rory commanded, pushing his hand away. "I'm not agreeing to anything until you promise my conditions will be met."
"Rory," Logan said in all seriousness, "I want you back. I don't care what conditions you have, just that Ihave you."
Rory blushed lightly. She knew how much he meant the words coming out of his mouth, and she was all but ready to shoot her conditions to hell, when she realized that she wasn't about to jump into this relationship head first like last time. Clearing her throat she said, "Logan, I…we're in an elevator…and it feels weird…Could we have this conversation later?" She reached over and pressed the emergency stop button again, and the elevator jolted back on.
"My answer will not change," Rory whispered reassuringly. "I want this too, but I want us to meet up later to set the conditions. I'm not about to jump into this head first and end up broken again, Logan"
He nodded; she was, after all, Rory Gilmore. She had taken a big risk with him the first time because she had jumped in; not nearly enough over analyzing was done on her part. She was going to take her time with their relationship; he knew that much about her.
"Okay…so…we go get coffee?" Logan bent over to pick up her fallen purse, handing it to her carefully.
"Yes, and when we return upstairs, we say nothing. I want us to act like nothing has changed." She looked at him carefully, hoping that he'd understand.
Logan looked at her carefully. "Why?"
"Logan, please," The door dinged open and the two stepped out. "I need you to agree with this. I'll explain the rest when we meet."
"When do you want to meet?" he asked, resisting the urge to sling an arm around her as they walked.
"Tonight." She wanted in too, and she'd be damned if she waited any longer.
"Where, our dorm?" Logan inquired, emphasizing the 'our' part none too subtly.
Rory shook her head. She knew, that no matter how much self control she walked into that dorm with, she'd come back out with nothing. That place was their sanctuary, and she'd fall head first for him all over again if they met there.
"No, could we meet at the library in about an hour?" she asked shyly, knowing that if they were not trending in deep water, he'd tease her about that.
"Sure, okay, by Pushkin?" He couldn't suppress the smirk that appeared on his lips and he watched as Rory quickly sneaked a look at him to see if he was mocking her. Her eyes widened as she realized he was and she whacked his chest.
"Mean." She pouted, almost jokingly.
"I'm sorry," Logan said grinning, using every ounce of self control to not pull her body against his and kiss her forehead.
Rory nodded and then as they approached the café, she placed their order for coffee and got a dozen donuts as well. Logan grabbed a box of donuts and a tray of coffee, while she snatched the other one. Together they made their way upstairs.
Laughter greeted them as the pair entered the room. Rory realized with a twinge of guilt that all of Colin's stuff was packed and ready to go. The others had been waiting on them.
"That took forever!" Finn exclaimed, grabbing a coffee from Rory's tray. "What happened?"
"Long line," Logan replied casually as he handed out the rest of the beverages. "Let's go."
1 Hour Later
Logan walked into the library, looking around apprehensively for his Ace. He glanced at his watch; she was late. Suddenly he heard a throat being cleared behind him. Logan turned, about to tease her for being tardy, when he was met by a short blonde girl. The girl had bushy hair and plastic glasses on. She looked quite nervous.
"Uh, Logan Huntzberger?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair, "Yeah, what?"
The girl shoved her hand out, a sealed envelope in it. "From Rory Gilmore."
He grabbed the envelope tensely. "When did she give this to you?"
"I'm sorry. She said not to say any-"
"I'm sorry; I believe I asked you a question. When did she give this to you, and what exactly did she say?" Logan's voice was low, his eyes nearly in slits. How dare Rory blow him off with a letter? Dammit! She couldn't keep doing this, telling him she'd give him a chance and now handing him a letter? Scratch that; she didn't even have the courage to hand him another rejection in person. She was dragging his heart on the ground, and god knows it was getting scraped brutally.
The girl squeaked out her reply, "Uh, about 15 minutes ago. I didn't open the letter! It's sealed. All she asked me was if I knew who Logan Huntzberger is…and well, everyone knows who you are so I said yes. She gave me the envelope and told me that you would show up in the Pushkin section, and for me to give this to you 5 minutes after you arrived! I swear, that's it!" The girl looked like she was going to cry and Logan fought the urge to roll his eyes.
"Okay, okay," he said in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "Thanks."
She nodded and turned, running towards another aisle of books and out of Logan's view. Logan ran a hand through his hair and looked down at the envelope for the first time.
It was written in her perfect script. He used his fingers to trace out his name in her writing before snapping out of it. She just blew him off, the hell if he'd act all mushy over a piece of paper. He tore open the envelope and peaked inside.
I know how furious you must be right now. I mean you were happy when I said I'd meet you, and here I am replacing myself with a letter.
Logan almost snorted. At least she wasn't a stupid bitch.
But, you must understand; I wouldn't replace myself with a letter unless there was a point. Logan, I'm crazy about you. You know that. I've been crazy about you for almost 6 years now.
A bit of Logan's anger dissolved. He could almost hear her voice in his ear as he read the letter and it was like a lullaby, soothing his anger in a way only she could.
But, for the last few days, I've been thinking. Is it worth it? So what if I'm crazy in love with you. Does that override the passion-fueled hate, heartache and misery I go through-we go through- when we fight? Is it? Is it worth the tears I've wasted every night on my pillow? Is it worth the feeling of rottenness I have when you stand so close to me, but it feels like you're so far? Is it worth those moments when I am flooded with memories of our one intimate night? Logan do you know how hard it was today, sitting in that SUV and not having your arms around me? Holding me tight against your body-a body I have yet to learn so much about?
Logan almost blushed. The sexual comments she was putting in the letter were out of her normal character, and was almost making him uncomfortable. He took a seat on the floor, now hidden by shelves of Pushkin.
I wasn't so sure if it's worth it. I thought that in time, this need I have for you would disappear; you know? But I don't think it will. It's been there since the moment I met you, and Logan, so help me god, I know it'll be there till the moment I die.
Logan was shocked. Rory wasn't one to be so open. I mean she was his best friend, and yes she was open with him but never had she been open about her love life. Not when she was with any of her ex-boyfriends or when she was with him. She was careful about what she said, and how she said it; and for her to say it so openly, that he was it for her, made Logan realize that she was as naked and raw in this letter as she'd ever be, and that this was her soul on a couple pieces of paper.
So no, I can't live without you, and I don't' want to try to live without you. I want you back so much that it hurts. I'll admit to you, as hard as it is now – when we're broken, it's equally great if not greater when we're together. I can try to deny it, but I know that we work, we mesh and we fit. The thing is, if you could promise me that we'd never fight, that we'd never break up, and that we'd be perfect I'd jump into your arms without a single doubt. But Logan, you can't promise me that, because you're not perfect. I'm sure as hell not perfect, so how the hell could we be perfect together? We can't. I'm not saying we're right for each other, because we are. I'm saying that our relationship would never be perfect. So I hope you understand now, why I keep having doubts despite the fact that I know you and I work. I just can't help but feel like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. Because Logan, I know the closest we can get to a perfect solution, is that if we give each our body, mind and soul. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is, if we do this, get back together I mean, you have me, all of me, body, mind and soul and in return, I want you, body, mind and soul. And for Christ-sake Logan, don't avoid telling me something because you want to keep me protected. I'm not your kid. I'm your girlfriend; I'm your equal. Treat me like it.
Logan exhaled. Tearing his eyes from the paper, he closed them, letting her words register in his mind. He only had a little bit of the letter left.
As for my conditions, I have 3. I want your body; to touch, to love and to kiss. I want your mind; to learn, to captivate and to know. I want your soul; to trust, to feel, and to love. Now Logan, my conditions are not as easy as they look, and I want you to make this decision with your mind, not your heart. Yes, I know you love me, but what you're giving me is not as small as you may think. I know it may seem like a lot, seeing as we're just dating and not getting married, but I think with us, it has to be this way. I need to know I have you. So think about this, you have until midnight; that's 4 hours, or more if you need. I don't want to rush your decision. If you do make up your mind by 12 midnight tonight, meet me where we first met when Steph introduced us. Do you remember? I'll be waiting, same table.
Logan swallowed, as he let her letter settle in his head, and he swallowed as he traced her name, Rory, with his fingertip. He put the letter back in the envelope and let out a growl of frustration. He wanted her, and he knew that if his heart was making this choice, it'd be made, before the letter had finished. But she had asked for him to use his mind. " A mind I'm required to give to her." He loved her, yes, but giving up everything for her? He wanted to do it, but there is a big difference between wanting to, and being able to.
"Fucking Hell!" he hissed. He knew this wasn't something he could jump into too. But Rory was at their club, waiting. He needed to talk this out with someone. Suddenly realizing who that was, he pulled out his keys and walked quickly out of the library, passing the blond frizzy haired girl on the way out. He slipped into his car and reversed quickly, driving with a new determination.
Logan stood outside the door. He paced slightly, how was he supposed to ask for help without evoking too many questions? He just needed someone to talk it off on and who better to talk it off on than the master of talking?
You're a fucking LDB member and you can't knock on the damn door? Logan banged on the mahogany barrier hoping that he would be heard. The door creaked open and he was met with a familiar sight.
Rory swallowed, glancing at her watch. It was 9, and Logan had yet to show. "That's a good thing right? I mean if he had rushed over that would mean he used his heart not his mind and I need to know that he really thought about this, so relax; he'll come." She ordered another coffee and adjusted her pale yellow shirt once more. "He'll come."
"Lorelai." His courage that had appeared to knock the door quickly disappeared.
"What-is Rory okay?" Panic crossed Lorelai's face.
"Yeah, yeah…uh, Lorelai, I need some advice…about your daughter and my heart" he said, feeling pathetic.
Lorelai's eyebrows shot up. Logan and she had grown quite close over the past 5 years. She had always suspected that he had it bad for her daughter, but never did she think the two would act on it.
"Logan are you sure I'm the best to-"
"Lorelai, you know me pretty well, and you know your daughter the best, and you're easy to talk too, and I don't think there is anyone else." Logan said honestly, praying she wouldn't turn him down.
Lorelai shut the porch door behind her and walked towards the swing, "Come on, kid, and talk to Rory's mama"
Logan sat across from Lorelai on a patio chair. "She gave me another chance today, and I want to take it, except, she said to use my mind, not my heart…and she wants everything this time…body, mind and soul. I love her Lorelai. I really do, but we've only been dating for 3 weeks. I mean don't you wait for the whole 100 there thing for at least 6 months? I don't want to make a promise I can't keep! I mean I love her, but what if I can't help but be protective? Do I look like I'm ready to be totally in a relationship? She's almost making it seem like we're getting married not dating! I'm so fucking confused! How can she expect me to do that? I've never been in a real relationship before, and right off the bat, she wants it all! Isn't it unreasonable? I love her, but I can't risk hurting her anymore."
Logan ran a hand through his hair and let out a breath. He gazed off at the street; Trying to control the million emotions that were running through him.
"Logan," Lorelai said softly, trying so hard not to provide a bias voice, "Rory asked you to make this choice with your mind?"
"Yes." His hands were becoming fidgety. He tried to think of some place to put them.
"And you have, in your mind, decided no?" Lorelai stoically asked, her tone not changing.
"What? No! When did I say that?" Logan asked, his eyes snapping to Lorelai in confusion.
"It's not what you said; it's what you didn't say. Logan, do you love my daughter?"
"Yes." His answer was immediate; there was no doubt in his mind.
"And, is she worth this? The total dedication?" Lorelai looked carefully at Logan, trying to analyze his thoughts.
He looked down at the ground, and swallowed. "She is."
"And you're sure?"
"I know she's worth more than my life, and that I'd do anything for her."
"And does that include, trusting my daughter with all you have? Body, mind and soul, cause that's pretty intense."
"We're already intense." Logan almost snapped back.
Lorelai looked at him, as his eyes hardened on a spot on his jeans. She wanted to give him some sort of advice without being too direct.
She swallowed. "You know Logan, the body…it's the first thing you see. It engages you, you know, the beauty and simplicity of a person. The mind it captures you, and intrigues you, but the soul, it loves you, it trusts you, and it cares for you." Lorelai choose her words carefully.
Logan was silent. He was looking down at his hands, his forehead wrinkled up as he thought.
"Today I told her…that I see my future with her…my kids born from her…" He finally looked up at Lorelai, "I think…I think she already has me…body, mind and soul. I think…I think that by her asking for it, like actually asking for it, it freaked me out, but the answer is so simple…because she's the only one I want…now and forever. She already had me, body mind and soul from the start. It's as easy as that, and-" Logan blinked and looked at Lorelai again, a sheepish look coming over his face, "And I think I'm telling this to the wrong Lorelai"
Lorelai grinned, "I think so too, not that I don't love the few conversations we have, kid"
Logan stood quickly, glancing at his watch, "It's 10:30. I have to meet her at a pub. Could I borrow a thermos?"
Lorelai's eyebrows quirked. "What? Why?"
"Well, she loves Luke's coffee, so I think I'll get her flowers and Luke's coffee when I meet her."
Lorelai smiled. "Sounds good; let me go grab it."
Logan watched as the mother of the woman he loved walked into her house. Logan placed his hands on the porch rails, looking out into the starry night. He inhaled the deeply, letting the fresh air consume him. He closed his eyes, letting a dream flood through his head.
"Ace, babe, honestly, you look fine!" Logan whinnied, trying to grab at his wife.
"You're just saying that so you can get some before we leave!" Rory pouted.
"No I'm not!"
"So you don't want me?" Rory looked up at her husband, her eyes teary.
Logan groaned and grabbed at his wife, pulling her into his arms and placing soft kisses all over her face, "Rory, of course I want you. I always want you. I feel like I'm a horny teenager when I'm around you," he whispered into her ear, "What I meant is that you look beautiful! You know I think pregnancy suits you."
"Logan, I'm 5 months pregnant and we haven't told your parents or my grandparents, which I'm sure is why they want to meet us for dinner tonight," Rory said, brushing her hands over her softly rounding stomach. "And I'm freaked out!"
"Look, Ace, what are they going to say? We're in our late twenties, married and your pregnant-"
"They'll be thrilled I'm pregnant! It's because of the fact that we didn't tell them-"
"because we knew that they'd-"
"-that I'm scared to go. I mean what if they-"
"-mess things up, not allowing us to-"
"-cause a scene, I mean, we're actually eating out tonight, which makes you wonder-"
"RORY!" Logan said, covering her mouth with his hands, grinning at his rambling wife. "If they do anything to stress you out, I'm leaving…and if I have to carry you out because you want to try to fix things, I will!" He bent down to kiss her.
"I know I just can't help-"
Logan placed a finger in front of her mouth. "Rory, I promise you that you have nothing to worry about."
Rory sent her husband a shaky smile. "I love that you're confident going into this."
"Well, I love you."
Rory snorted. "Could that have been anymore cheesy?"
"Yeah, I could have dipped you and kissed you." Logan smirked. "Actually-"
Logan wrapped his hand around his wife and leaned her over, kissing her deeply as he balanced her in his arms.
She grinned as he broke the kiss. "Who would have thought Logan Huntzberger was such a corny person?"
"Oh shut up, woman." Logan grinned again as he moved her against the bed and pushed her down, "I think we're going to have to punctuate this discussion with some sex."
Rory raised an eyebrow. "How will we be able to make it to dinner on time?"
"Dinner's tomorrow, Ace. Did I forget to mention the Gilmore's and Huntzburger's needed to change the date?" He grinned as his body hovered over his wife.
Rory snorted. "You didn't forget; you just wanted a reason to peel this dress off of me."
"Now you're catching on," His eyes were teasing.
She rolled her eyes mischievously and looked up at her husband, "Well fine, ravish me."
"Yes ma'am!" His lips descended on his wife.
Logan's eyes snapped open as he heard Lorelai open the door, handing him a fairly large thermos.
"Hey, here ya go. You'd better get going. It's 10:40 now"
"Yeah, thanks Lorelai." He hugged the older Gilmore Girl. "I'll see you around."
"Hey, Logan"Lorelai called out, and he turned, "If I had to pick a man for my daughter, it'd be you."
A smile tugged at his lips. "Thanks, Lorelai."
"No problem, kid. Take care."
"I will." Logan shut his car door as he slipped in, placing the car in reverse, and he drove to Luke's. " It'll be flowers from Taylor and coffee from Luke for her, and then Rory for me."
I hoped this chapter was enjoyable...
i'm trying to gracefully manuver myself from angst to fluff
i hope its working...
thanks for reading! and thanks to my beta for beta-ing!