Date: 5 November, 2005
Type fic: one-shot drabble of around 900 words.
Warnings: OOC ness, randomness, plain retarded, annoying, wicknedness galore, evil authoress, Mary-sue alert and so on……
Because I am getting sick and tired of all these crappy Mary-sue fics flooding our beloved fandom, I decided to channel my frustrations into this fic. This is kind of my attempt as lashing back at all those stupid people inventing one sue after another, and delivering bad writing riddled with clichés and whatnot! Truthfully I'm neutral on the subject. And there are stories which are well written, and have OC's in them with mary-sue qualities. Those are fics that can get away with it. But more often than not, the sue isn't even the main problem. It's when all kinds of annoying traits make their entrance that I feel like dishing out the dirt and fry the author to a burning crisp. But the most frustrating thing is, lately bad Mary-sue fics are coming out by the dozen! And that's when a simple annoyance can turn into a petpeeve, my friends!
I wove my own experiences with this annoying phenomenon into this piece of work, and used some examples I've come across on reviews boards. Certain opinions of people and so on…..
This fic mainly focuses on humour. I couldn't stop laughing when I was writing it. I was enjoying myself way too much. This fic deals with clichés, Mary-Sue's, bad writing, bad characterisation. Everything generally present in such awful stories. (except for a few).
The more serious underlying message of this piece of "crap" is: What not to do when you're creating an OC character, and writing a story. I'm not certain whether this message will get through to people. But I hope I will be able to make a difference.
Meanwhile, grab a cookie for now, enjoy a soda pop, and laugh your insides out till it's painful?
The Mary-sue manual
How to write a craptastic Mary-sue fic!
Why hello there! I see you've taken at least a small interest in reading this fic. So what was I supposed to do here again? Oh, yes, now I remember. As the title says, I'm supposed to teach you how to write a craptastic Mary-sue fic. Let me tell you something! It can't get much easier than that.
May I ask for a private moment to myself?
(Turns around and chuckles sinisterly) "Oh, yes, this shall be a delicious treat indeed! MUWHAHA!"
Okay, with that out of the way, let us get to work. Now the first thing we need is an example.
(Snaps fingers) "Oh, I know!"
Of course, before you can write a craptastic Mary- sue fic; you'll need to gather as much information on the annoying phenomenon in fandom that is called Mary-sue as you possible can.
So what are you waiting for? Shoo! Get out of my fic for now.
What? Don't look at me like that. Before you start to write a fanfic you have to research. SO GO DO IT.
(Waits patiently, and eye twitches when she sees the reader(s) are still present in her story)
What are you still doing here! Have you ever heard of a nifty little thing called Google? Go and try that. Type in Mary-sue and --- Come on now, please don't give me that look. Are you too darn lazy to go look up the definition on Mary-sue? WHAT? You're calling me lazy. Well, guess what….I AM. I don't feel like being nice either on stating the definition of what defines a (shudder) Mary-sue. Too bad for you, and it means you'll have to put those brain cells of yours to work!
(Long silence ensues)
You got your facts strait on the Mary-sue phenomenon. Yes? Good for you. Moving on!
Here were are. Are you sure you want to continue? Yes? Very well then (mutters random obscenities under her breath). You're treading on the "holy" grounds of Mary-sue fan fiction. Beware! You'll be in for a mayor scare! Feel free to turn around now, before it is too late (lets out an insane cackle)
Let's see…..(pulls out a long list, scanning its contents.)
Okay, off we go. I will recount to you everything I've written down.
To start with, make sure your character is the main girl in the story. Everything and I mean absolutely EVERYTHING has to revolve around her. And before I forget, define her as tragically beautiful. She's so gorgeous it has become her burden. We readers have to feel SO sorry for her. (sniggers under her breath. Yeah, right! Like that will ever happen!). She's the queen of the dance floor, perfect, completely flawless, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, hot…….( blablabla).
Out of characterness in the canon characters is an absolute must. All MALE characters must fall for her divine majesty. Let all bow down to her!
Butcher canon till your heart's desire. It doesn't matter what you do, but make sure the plot revolves around awesome Miss. Sue!
Bend and break every unwritten rule to make your awesome Miss. Sue stand out!
For example. Angst in abundance is a necessity. Serve us a dish with badly written, over the top angst. Low and behold. Her past is so tragic. Let us weep for the poor, poor thing!
Write a completely cliché plot. And while you're at it invent yet another eight Millennium item. Yes, my dears, why this sparkly blingbling appears out of thin air! And what would be another item without a "cool" yami to inhabit it, no?
And as if the Mary-sue isn't enough, where would a craptastic Mary-sue fanfic be without bad grammar and spelling. No, my friends we've nefer heart of the spel ceck buton in wort. Nor are we old enough to know how to write properly!
Which brings me to another subject. Fan girl Japanese. Ah, I can't believe I almost forgot about that. Why, bad use of Japanese is a must do! Cripple the Japanese culture, we don't mind!
Be super protective of your Mary-Sue. And even though people will want to tear your OC limb from limb, remain loyal to her. Some "flamers" will want to flame the crap out of you, but you wuv your Miss. Sue, so you'll defend her till the bitter end.
"Like OH MY GOD, your such a meanie! Leave my story alone, you bitch you. And my character is so not a Mary-sue!"
See what I mean? Yes, be an immature and whiny brat. Because that's the craptastic way it has to be done.
Educate yourselves in the ways of being a complete and utter fan brat. Learn to be a complete review whore while you're at it!
And here I shall conclude my wise lessons in the art of writing craptastic Mary-sue fan fiction. (God, I'm having a ball here…)
If you decide to write a craptastic Mary-sue fic in the future, and you receive implacable, irreparable damage because of that, be forewarned, I will not take responsibility, nor am I liable for your actions. Granted, all you Mary-sue authors out there, as to prove I'm generous, I will bestow upon you my sincerest condolences. You'll need it….
Uh……..:crickets chirp in the background:
So…..do you guys feel ready like killing me now, because I made you suffer through that kind of torture.
You know what? I don't care! It was MORE than worth it.
So whatever you feel like doing, I don't mind. Well, if you were a grasshopper at the beginning of this story, and you learned from your mistakes, then congrats for you. Here! (gives a cookie to the sensible lucky bastard). If you feel like running me over with your eighteen wheeler truck, know, that I won't give a fuck. Rant and rave until you heart's content. Shoot me with a rifle. Print this crap and burn it while roasting a marshmallow on the fire you've created. Flames will be ignored and dismissed after having had a good laugh at your expense. If you're a nice person and a kindred spirit who feels the same about my cause, celebrate or uh…weep with me?
Well, with that straightened out, the review button is waiting. All you have to do is click?
CMG, signing out!