Wilson looked over towards House. "I just proved your theory," he said attempting to take in the words but not still not understanding what they meant.
"That's what I said."
"Which theory?" Wilson crinkled his face up trying to ascertain what he and House were talking about.
"How many do I have?" Apparently, the beer was doing a job on both doctors.
Wilson tilted his head in thought. "Two, I think. But the second one was a question, wasn't it? I'm confused." He got up and headed for the kitchen. "I need a beer…you want one?"
"Yeah. And bring some chips too," House called out, scratching his head. He felt a bit disoriented, but he was on a mission and wouldn't allow a few beers to keep him from getting his point across. He took a few deep breaths to clear his head.
Wilson reappeared a few moments later with two more beers in hand and two bags of chips. Handing one bottle to House, he dropped a bag of chips onto his lap and stepped over the cane to get to the couch.
"I wanted the nachos," House whined, eyeing the bag his friend was holding.
The younger doctor looked at the bag in his hand. "They're both nachos," he said.
"Yeah, but I like those better."
Wilson rolled his eyes as they each tossed their respective bags to the other. "So, why do you even buy these? Never mind; I don't care," he said as he dropped back down onto the couch and tore open the bag.
They both sat without speaking for several minutes as they munched on chips and drank their beers. Finally House spoke up.
"You just proved my theory," he said as he took a gulp of beer.
"You already said that." Wilson rubbed the back of his neck and looked questioningly towards his friend.
"But you didn't react," the older doctor qualified.
"Oh dear sweet mother of god!" Wilson said loudly, clutching his palm to his chest. He took a long swallow from his bottle. "How was that?"
"You're being difficult again," House accused, shaking his head.
"You haven't stopped being difficult."
House smirked. "Why don't you want to talk about this?"
"Because in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter," the young doctor explained as he eyed the remote control. Maybe if he turned on the television, House would lose interest in this conversation.
"Since when has that ever stopped you before?" House asked as he picked up his cane and tapped it on the floor to get Wilson's attention away from the remote. The young doctor reluctantly turned towards his friend.
"No, House, that's you, not me." He sighed. "You're going to have to remind me what we were talking about because I just can't remem…."
"Nice try, Doc. You remember."
"I've had six…no seven…no…wait…uh…I've had a lot of beers. I. Can't. Remember," he repeated, announcing each word slowly to emphasize his point.
"Fine, I'll humor you. I was talking about Cuddy doing the horizontal mambo with some guy. And you got your panties in a wad. Ring any bells?"
"Oh. Oh yeah. Your theory," Wilson said, shaking his head slowly.
"Yes, my theory. So, now you're up to speed."
"Right. You said….." Wilson furrowed his brow as he attempted to remember. "You said…."
"I said, 'you just proved my theory'." House finished his colleague's sentence, impatience evident in his voice. He tossed the bag of chips onto the coffee table and wiped his hands on his pants.
"Ah. That was it. And how did I do that exactly?" Wilson asked as he crumpled his forehead.
House sighed. "You're doing this on purpose, Wilson."
"Doing what?" he asked innocently.
"Talking in circles. So, I guess I'm just going to have to come right out and say it."
"But that's so unlike you," the young doctor said, almost sounding sincere.
"It was you, wasn't it?" House asked accusingly. When he realized what he had just said, he leaned forward and pointed a finger towards his friend. "I can't believe it. It was you."
"Can you be more vague?" the oncologist asked, again eyeing the remote control on the floor in the middle of the room.
"You and Cuddy were doing it," House said excitedly.
Wilson almost choked on his beer. "What, are you nuts?" He spilled some beer on his shirt but ignored it as some of the liquid rolled down towards his belt while the remainder slowly seeped into the fabric.
"Now you're acting all shocked and surprised like you don't know what the hell I'm talking about." House said in annoyance.
"That's because I don't know what the hell you're talking about," Wilson yelled. He felt his chest becoming uncomfortably sticky from the beer, so he wiped his shirt with his hand in an unsuccessful attempt to dry it out.
"It all fits. You and Julie were splitting up. You were lonely. Cuddy was lonely. She was so lonely that she lowered her standards and substituted you for me, realizing that she could never have me and…"
"Shut the fuck up." Wilson stood and placed his hands on his hips defiantly.
"Did I hit a nerve?"
"No, you're embarrassing yourself," the oncologist said angrily; after a moment he sat back down.
"You're getting all mad again. Further proving my theory. Means it's credible," the older doctor said smugly.
"House, I did not sleep with Cuddy."
"Okay, semantics. You didn't sleep with Cuddy. That doesn't mean you didn't…."
"I didn't have sex with Cuddy!" Wilson yelled. "Happy now?" He stared at his accuser, his eyes narrowed.
"Of course I'm not happy. If you're telling me the truth then you just shot my entire theory to Hell. What kind of scientist does that make me?" House leaned back in his chair disheartened.
"The asshole kind," Wilson snapped.
"So if you didn't have sex with her why did you get so pissed when we were talking about it before?"
"First, let's get this straight. You were talking about it. I wasn't."
"Fine, Doctor stick-in-the-mud. Answer the question," House growled.
"Because Cuddy's emotional state two months ago had nothing to do with sex." Wilson wanted to pull the words back the moment they came out of his mouth.
House's eyes grew wide with astonishment. "So, you do know. What the hell was it then?" He was literally on the edge of his chair, waiting for the juicy details from his friend.
"I can't be discussing this with you," the young doctor said quietly as he looked down towards the floor.
House's mouth dropped open. "Oh come on, Doc, you're not cutting me off now. Did you promise her you wouldn't tell me? Okay, how's this, why don't you just write it down; technically you wouldn't be telling me then and…."
"Doctor patient confidentiality," Wilson interrupted. He leaned forward and placed the bag of chips and his beer on the coffee table, waiting for House's reaction.
As expected, the other doctor was dumbfounded. "You treated her? For cancer?"
"Not exactly. I can't talk about this, House." He looked into his friend's eyes hoping to convince him to abandon his persistence.
"Either you tell me or I make your life a living hell," House warned.
"Again, so unlike you."
House stared blankly at the other doctor. Wilson knew he wouldn't give up. He sighed.
"She had a cancer scare. It turned out to be nothing. She was very relieved and very happy. So happy in fact that you came up with the only logical explanation that it had to be because she was having sex…apparently with me." Wilson paused and thought a moment. "But I imagine if Cuddy was having sex with me, she would be happy, ecstatic even…."
"Shut up before I throw up all over you."
"Okay," House said grudgingly, "I believe you. But how does that explain her behavior lately?"
"You're going to have to remind me…." Wilson said, rubbing his cheek.
"A pill. I said she's acting like a pill," House barked, his patience teetering. He didn't like being wrong.
"Oh right. Well, I guess my original assumption…or for the sake of this discussion… my original theory… was correct."
"Which was what actually?"
"That her current irritability is a direct result of your behavior."
"The hell it is."
"Okay, let's analyze this," Wilson said leaning forward on the couch. As he spoke he held up one finger. "First, you pissed off a hospital benefactor by telling him his son was too homely to be his kid."
"That was just my way of telling him that he's a handsome guy," House jumped in, defending himself.
"Then," Wilson continued, holding up a second finger, "you tried to steal food from the cafeteria by hiding it under your salad."
"They owed me for the crap they tried to pawn off as food the week before," House protested.
"Third," Wilson said as he held up another finger, "you told a woman suffering from incontinence to make sure she bought the colossal extra jumbo sized adult diapers….."
"If you insist on turning everything I do into something negative you're going to run out of fingers and toes."
"They're not just negative, House, they're offensive. Not to mention illegal, childish, rude, offensive and very very bad."
"You said offensive twice."
"I was trying to make a point."
"Everything you just rattled off is all a matter of interpretation," House said innocently.
"No, House, they were bad. And that's just off the top of my head. Any other hospital administrator would've fired you a long time ago."
"Cuddy would never fire me. She wants me," House said smugly.
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Sometimes you really are a child," he said, exasperated at the older doctor's attitude.
Wilson chuckled in spite of himself. "I just hope you learned something today," he said. As brilliant as his colleague was, he often acted like a spoiled brat. Wilson smiled inwardly as he realized it was part of the older doctor's appeal.
"Yeah, I learned that you were right….you don't get easy when you're drunk. You get boring."
"Okay, okay. So I made a mistake. I apologize to Cuddy and to you. Satisfied?" he asked, his voice more sarcastic than not. Wilson noted the tone in his voice but accepted the gesture.
"It's a start," the young doctor said.
"So, Cuddy's okay?" House asked with sincere concern.
"Good," House said, his eyes sparkling. "How 'bout we break into her house and put some batteries into that vibrator of hers……"
A/N: I hope I didn't disappoint Wilson/Cuddy fans too much.