Upon my first of what is bound to be endless viewings of the Revenge of the Sith DVD(and the whole Saga), I was suddenly and profoundly struck by Obi-Wan's pain near the end of the film. I found myself wondering what exactly what he was thinking as Padmé gave birth, and after she passed away-the pain on his face so pronounced. Thus, I started Obi-Wan's Journal.
This is the first of what may, or may not, be more entries. They will be sporadic, and not follow any successive timeline. They will be random excerpts as if pulled directly from a bound journal.
As this is supposed to be a personal journal, the writing style will be more informal, and in the style of how I think a person would write a personal journal, meant only for their own eyes to see.
Thanks for any feedback, and as I said, this may or may not continue with subsequent entries as I reflect back and watch the films again.
Journal Entry 411
She'd looked peaceful. I never would have guessed that less than an hour ago she was pleading with Anakin, expressing her love only to have it thrown back in her face.
This was a nightmare. There was no rational explanation for how things went so terribly wrong. Well, rationally it all led back to Palpatine, but everyone had to be held culpable in the complete demise of Anakin.
While Padme laid unconscious I moved to the cockpit of her ship and sat in disbelief; a heavy weight bearing down on me.
How had things gone so wrong?
All I could do was hold my head in my hands. My best friend, my brother-probably dead on the banks of that awful planet. My friend, his wife, fighting for her life.
This is what comes of attachments.
Sometime later, the ship approached the medical center where Master Yoda and Senator Organa were waiting. I didn't speak as Padme was carried off the ship and taken directly to the med bay. It wasn't until the medical droid came out and told us they were losing her that I found my voice.
"You mean she's dying?" I remember saying, my heart breaking.
But what really affected me were the droid's next words.
She was carrying twins.
Not one, but two babies.
I was unprepared for the flood of emotion. I had been so good at being a Jedi; of defending the rights of the innocent without any real emotional connection. I'd never imagined that the innocent would suffer anyway, especially at the hands of one who had once been my greatest friend.
As Padme started to give birth, she asked for me. Unable to deny her anything-since I felt primarily responsible, I stood at her side as the first baby arrived. I wanted to comfort her, to offer words of peace.
But I couldn't do it.
Anakin, what have you done?
I stood helplessly by her side, and when the medical droid handed me the baby boy, Padme reached weakly forward, naming the baby Luke.
She was in so much pain as the second baby came. I held Luke, cradling the product of the love she had shared with Anakin. Padme suffered through the second birth, and as the medical droid announced that it was a girl, Padme lifted her head and named her Leia.
The last words Padme spoke to me pierced my already shattered and broken heart.
"There's still good in him."
Even at the end, she believed in Anakin. And without ever holding her children, Padme passed into the Force. I think the babies sensed her passing too.
I held Luke for most of the trip to Naboo. I couldn't bear to let him go. He was a part of Padmé, and I was still in complete shock from her passing. I felt anger and resentment for Anakin and his decisions. They were new feelings for me. I had always been so calm and detached. The face of the baby was so peaceful and watching him sleep in my arms the anger abated. For however Anakin behaved, his child was not to blame. I just couldn't believe that only a few days ago I was boasting to Anakin how proud I was of him, of how much I believed in him as a Jedi. So much had happened since then it almost felt like another lifetime.
I examined the face of the sleeping baby, looking for traces of his father. As I stared at Luke I found myself making a silent promise. I knew things would never be the same, the Jedi all but slaughtered from existence. If I was to live it would have to be out of sight. And if I had to be out of sight, I would be so near Luke. I would be devoted to his protection. I would see he grew up strong, and honorable, and compassionate. Like his mother.
I finally surrendered the baby to the medical droids when Padme's family came aboard to collect her body. The babies were taken deep in the ship, and Padme's family didn't ask us any questions when they saw the condition of her body, her pregnant appearance. I think they knew who the father was. As the word spread that Padme died pregnant, it seemed to make the tragedy of her story all the more poignant for those who had loved her as the Queen that had saved them all from the Trade Federation all those years ago.
Only Yoda, Bail, and I knew the truth.
I didn't go to the funeral. I stayed on the ship, watching Luke and his twin sister Leia sleep. The wonder of the new lives amazed me. The parents succumbed so the children could live, it seemed.
When Master Yoda finally called after me, I bid one last glance at the babies lying together. They were so innocent of the world around them.
How long would they remain so?
It was decided that the children would be separated. The thought of them out there, apart from each other tore a new hole in my already severally wounded heart. But I knew that together they would be an easy target for the Emperor. Apart they stood a better chance.
Senator Organa offered to take the girl, Leia. I felt a slight rush of relief. She would be safe on Alderaan, far from Coruscant. No one would ever suspect and Senator Organa would die before he would give up the baby.
When the boy's fate came into question I found myself wishing I was equipped to take care of him; to raise him and train him in the ways of The Force. But I also found myself fearing the thought.
What if my training led him to the dark side too?
I felt completely responsible for Anakin's turn. I had been his one source of knowledge. I'd taught him everything I knew of The Force and its ways.
Was I wrong?
Master Yoda suggested that Luke be taken to Tatooine. I knew this was my opportunity to be a part of his life without actually being in his life.
"I will go and watch over him."
In my heart I pledged my life to protect him. I think Yoda understood what I meant, and what I wished.
We parted ways soon after. Senator Organa took Leia back to Alderaan. I knew I'd never see him, or the girl, again. I only hoped that one day he'd have the chance to tell Leia about her mother. She deserved to know about her, and Padmé deserved to be remembered.
Yoda and I also parted. Yoda told me of his discovery of a dark, uninhabited planet on the outer rim, far from Coruscant. He had come across the planet not long after I had come to him about my own missing planet, Kamino. Yoda, doing probably the one and only self-serving thing in his long life, took the presence of Dagobah and erased it from the official Jedi archive. I wonder, what vision must he have had? What must he have felt to know to do that?
Yoda soon left for Dagobah, leaving me once again alone with baby Luke.
The trip to Tatooine was too fast. I spent the time with the boy, holding him and telling him stories of his mother and father. I knew he'd never remember, but I wanted him to have heard them. I wanted him to have been told the truth at least once in his life. I wasn't sure how his questions would be answered by his family on Tatooine, so I needed to know that somewhere in his memory there would be this time with me.
Trying to extend my time with the boy, I landed the ship in Mos Eisley. There I traded for an eopie, and set out to the Lars Homestead. Luke was nestled to my chest, quiet and content as could be. I continued to talk to him as we rode towards his new home.
I promised him safety and refuge. I promised to always be near him, that even if he couldn't see me, I would always be there.
Sadness like I'd never experienced before started gnawing at me as I saw the buildings of the Homestead grow larger before me.
The twin suns were setting. There was a shadow of a figure against the horizon. A young man was standing on a small uprising, watching the suns set before him.
I felt the urge to turn and run. Now that I was here I found I wasn't ready to give Luke up. It had all happened too fast. There hadn't been enough time. I was unprepared for this.
Beru Lars came out from below ground. It had been she I had communicated with. I hadn't told them about there being twins. But they knew what Anakin did, and they knew that Padme had died.
Dismounting from the eopie I opened my cloak and with reluctant hands I handed Luke over. I felt a sense of rightness in the way Beru accepted Luke with such warmth and love. I knew he would belong here. I felt that somehow, this was how things were always meant to be, and that feeling saddened me. It wasn't right that so many had died. But there was comfort in knowing that Luke would live.
I watched Beru take Luke and as they walked away from me I knew, I was now truly alone. I walked back to the eopie. Climbing on, I sat for a moment, watching the newly formed family take in their first Tatooine sunset together.
I found my voice and whispered-
"I'll be here when you need me."
I swear I heard the baby cry as I rode the eopie away.