I stumble. I stutter. I say things I don't mean. I space out when someone's talking to me. I blurt out things that have nothing to do with the conversation. Things that almost everyone in the world knows - I don't. I get confused easily, unless talking about my subjects - Star Trek and/or computers. I tell people the most obvious things, sounding as if it wasn't obvious to me. I can seem like the dumbest person in the world, when in reality, I have an above average IQ.
But I'm not like that at night. At night, when her beautiful blue eyes aren't watching me, I can tell her things. I tell her that I love her more than words can express. I thank her for putting up with me. I thank her for keeping me here beside her. I tell her how much I want to tell her this, when she's awake, and she can hear me. Everynight, I hope I get through to her on some subconscious level of her mind.
I can remember our wedding day, and I can remember wondering, as I slipped that ring on her delicate finger, why she picked me. She could have fallen in love with any man. Why me? I'm still wondering that now, as I ask her these questions in her sleeping ear. But I receive the same answer she gives me every night. Nothing except for her peaceful, steady breathing.
Not that I mind. I love to watch her, just watching her do simple things, like sleeping. Playing with our children. Making our dinner. I tell her these thoughts of mine. I'm always sophisticated when I talk to her at night. When I tell her how beautiful she is, and how much I adore her. That there was a hole in my heart I didn't even know I had, until I met her, and she showed me how well she filled it.
I tell her about my fears. My greatest fear - that she will leave me, and take our children with her. That she will find someone who deserves her. That she will finally realize that she's too good for me. I don't know, nor do I want to know, what will happen to me if she was to take the kids, and leave me.
But I can't tell her these things when she's awake. When she's looking at me, with her expectant blue eyes. So, for now, I settle with telling her at night, and continue to hope I reach her through her dreams. I lean down, and place a gentle kiss on her cheek. I drape my hand around her waist, pulling her closer to me. She turns, and nuzzles into my neck. I smile, and close my eyes.