I own do not own Tales of Symphonia, or any other Tales of whatever. I only own this fun little idea. I also do not own Iron Chef.

Before I let you continue I would like remind you that reviews are very important to me. This includes flames. I need to know where to improve and how to do it. If no one helps me out than you can't possibly expect me to write anything half decent. That would be silly.

This fanfiction takes place… somewhere between Derris Kharlan and the actual end of the game. There might be a few spoilers, but I'll give you a heads up before hand I guess. Well, if you haven't gotten to Tetha'alla… ummm… don't read this. As far as pairings go, only one, really. Wonder ChefxOC. Oh. That is hot. There may also be hints of other pairings I like too. ZelosxSheena, RainexKratos (maybe), GenisxPresea, and LloydxColette. But who knows. You may not see any at all.

This is all meant to be funny, and lighthearted, but some of this stuff may go over your head if you haven't gotten Regal his Chef costume and listened to Wonder Chef's riveting tale of the battle between Light and Dark Chefs. That's primarily what this story is about. And I'll be making references to the other characters' costumes. If you have any questions, ask.

Ok, I'm done.

!—!

Iron Chef Tetha'alla

Chapter 1: Bon Appetite!

"It's getting dark," Raine said out loud, more to herself than the rest of her friends.

"Meltokio's not that far away," Sheena reminded her. "We're almost across the bridge. We'll meet up with Genis soon."

The group had spent their day enjoying themselves and visiting places such as Sybak, Flanoir, and Mizuho while Genis spent his day in a sweatbox called Katz, Katz, Katz working his ass to the grindstone trying to waste the other children at a game of Red Light/Green Light in order win that über Kendama the Sea Katz had in its possession. His sister and friends would be disappointed to learn that he had failed to accomplish this, and would have to spend another day on the bridge.

"Why didn't we just quick jump?" Lloyd asked his teacher.

The rest of the group turned and fixed him with confused and concerned looks.

"I'm serious…" the pirate wannabe mumbled feebly.

"Anyway," began Zelos, sidling closer to Raine and Sheena. "You think the little Katz brat won at his silly game? He wasn't doing so hot when we left him earlier."

"He's had all day," Regal pointed out from behind Zelos. "I trust his skills have improved."

"But did he win?" Zelos asked again, and Regal didn't answer.

"As much as I hate to say it," Sheena said. "I agree with Zelos." And the carrot-top beamed at her.

"Probability of success, 3 percent," Presea rattled off. "Probability of failure, 97 percent."

All but Colette and Lloyd got a hearty laugh out of this.

"How could you all be so mean?" demanded Colette. "Genis is our friend! We should have faith and believe in him!"

"Yeah," agreed Lloyd, going into dramatic speech mode. "We all need to stick together and trust each other completely, otherwise…."

The rest of the crew tuned him out and began to chat amongst themselves. "So we'll stay the night at Meltokio," Raine said over Lloyd's noise. "And in the morning we'll go to the coliseum and compete. That's the plan?"

"That's the plan," affirmed Sheena.

"How would you two hunnies like to hook up with me for a party match?" flirted Zelos. "Sound like fun?"

Sheena gave him a cold, "not in your life" glare. Zelos took that as a no.

"…because if we have any trace of doubt in our minds…." continued Lloyd.

"Say, Regal," the carrot top began again. He was on fire this evening. "You've been going through quite the cooking phase, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"So…." Zelos really didn't know where he was going with this. He was mainly trying to distract himself from Lloyd's yammering. He directed his attention to certain pink-haired maiden. "Presea, my cute little hunny! How's life? You know, you have such pretty eyes!"

Presea didn't answer. Damn. Tough crowd.

"…and only then can we conquer all obstacles, and—"

"Hey, Lloyd," Zelos called.

"What?" asked smart-as-a-rock Lloyd.

"Shut the fuck up."

"Hey, look," announced Raine. "There's Genis! And… it looks like he's still at it."

"Why is he wearing that stupid Katz costume?" wondered Sheena aloud. "It must be at least 95 degrees out here. Isn't he supposed to be… well, educated? Even Zelos isn't that stupid."

"Ouch," Zelos pouted.

"I think it's very fitting," voiced Colette. "After all, it is a Katz game, so why not dress the part?"

"Hey, Colette, my little angelic hunny," Zelos asked her. "Who do you think looks better in pink? Me, or that loser over there?"

"Well…."

Regal cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Let's grab him and get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow."

"Oh, right!" Lloyd exclaimed. "The coliseum! Can't miss that! I'll finally get to show all the citizens of Meltokio that I'm the best swordsman there is!"

"Hey guys!"

Everyone turned and saw Genis, the pink Katz sprinting towards them, waving his arms wildly in greeting. "I was waiting for you to come back! What took you? I'm starved! What's for dinner? What'd you do all day? Did you miss me Presea? I never wanna come back here again!"

"How'd it go Genis?" inquired Raine, though she already knew the answer.

"Well… y'see, it's not that I can't win, it's just that… I don't feel like winning."

"So you still don't have that weapon?"

"I don't think I need it, Raine," Genis told her. "I mean, it's not the weapon you use, but how you use it. I'm strong enough without it."

Raine gave him a smack on the head. "Genis! You can't give up like that! It's a character flaw! You wanted that kendama, so you're coming out here every single day until you get the damn thing—clear?"

"Yes ma'am," Genis pouted, regretting the fact that he ever tried to play in the first place.

"Well, let's get going," Lloyd urged. "I'm hungry!"

!—!

The gang settled themselves at the Meltokio inn in the southern part of town. There, they decided to grab a couple of rooms, and indulge in a nice warm meal in the inn's dining room.

"Genis, are you gonna eat that escargot?" Lloyd asked, eying the oddly named shellfish.

"Do you even know what escargot it?" retorted Genis dryly.

"Like, a crab? Or something?"

"It's a snail," hissed Raine as she swatted the back of Lloyd's thick head with her soupspoon. "Didn't you do your homework?"

Lloyd gasped in horror. He'd already eaten six of those, and now she tells him this?

"Hey guys," Sheena blurted out suddenly. "Check it out, the entrees are finally done!"

Lloyd quickly forgot about the snail-crabs and focused his attention on his new meal. A rich, creamy chicken fettuccini. It smelled like heaven… and not the bad kind of heaven Mithos was affiliated with heaven, the kind of heaven Lloyd planned on going to when he died…. The nice kind of heaven that smelled like chicken fettuccini. And not a snail in sight. Without even waiting for the rest of his friends to get their meals served to them (how rude!), he buried his fork into the pasta and spun, trying to get as much into that first bite as possible.

He would come to regret this.

Upon putting the delicacy in his mouth he not only realized that he took way too big a bite, but also that… it didn't taste quite as wonderful as it smelled. He grimaced and spat it back out on his pasta bowl, ignoring the fact that such an action is very bad taste. Looking around the table he noticed he wasn't the only one with an unsatisfying plate.

"Ew, gross," groaned a disgusted Sheena, gulping down her water glass to rid her mouth of the terrible flavor of her red snapper filet. She had downed half her water, when she stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong," asked Colette, after spitting out a mouthful of duck confit.

"Even the water tastes funny!"

Regal shook his head, looking confused. "I don't understand," he said quietly. "How could the food look and smell perfectly fine, but taste like cat shit? This must mean…." He trailed off.

"What?" asked the rest of the crew in unison.

But Regal never got a chance to answer, because he was interrupted by—

"Excuse me sir, is there a problem with your meal?"

Regal turned and found himself face-to-face with a pretty, rosy-cheeked maiden. Their waitress, assumed Regal.

"We seem to have… a problem with the taste. How fresh is all this food?"

"You are looking fine tonight!" Zelos howled suddenly from the opposite end of the table.

The waitress blushed and hid her face behind her serving tray. "I can only ever love a man who can cook," she said sadly, but tossed the flirtatious young man a lemon gel.

Zelos caught it with little enthusiasm. They already had twenty of those….

"Ahem," Regal coughed. "The food. How fresh?"

"Oh! Well, all fruits and vegetables are grown in our own garden, and were picked just this morning. The pasta is made after you order it, so I don't see a problem there. All chickens, duck, quails are farm raised right here, and were only slaughtered this morning. All fish was just shipped in today, so…." She shrugged helplessly.

"Then I don't understand," announced Regal to his companions. "If the food is as fresh as you say it is… that only leaves food poisoning…. Unless…."

"Unless what?" asked Raine.

"Unless it's—"

"Bon appetite! The Dark Chef!" cackled a mysterious voice from behind Regal.

"Just as I suspected," hissed the ex-prisoner. "What do you want Dark Chef? Am I gonna have to open up another can of fresh whoop ass and bake it into a cake?"

"Oh please," groaned bon appetite. "I just want you to find gourmet and bring him to me."

"Who?" asked the waitress, looking both shocked and confused.

Bon appetite sighed. "The Wonder Chef."

"Why should we do that?" asked Lloyd cockily. "What are you gonna do? Deep fry a nasty chocolate cake and make us eat it?"

"Yeah," Sheena spoke out, ignoring the fact that you don't deep fry cakes, but Twinkies. "What the hell did you do to our dinner?"

The Dark Chef sighed again. "I just wanted you all to get a good taste of sweet revenge. Now, back to business—" He whipped a gigantic butter knife out of nowhere and, grabbing the waitress, held it against her neck. "Fetch me Wonder Chef or the girly here gets it!"

The "girly" screamed. And continued to scream…. And screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more….

"Not so fast," yelled a voice over the noise of the waitress.

The crew of Exshpere-wielding heroes gasped as if on cue and spun in perfect coordination. They sounded particularly stupid when they all exclaimed at the same time, "Wonder Chef!"

!—!

Ok, first off, that freakin' Red Light/Green Light game really does suck. That took me forever. But y'know, it was worth it in my mind. Now I can tell my friend, hey, aren't I hot? I beat Red Light/Green light!

Genis will be spending a large majority of this fiction on the bridge, playing this game. My sincerest apologies to any Genis fans. I'll let you know how his game is going from time to time, how's that?

And I neglected to point out before that in this fiction the characters will rarely ever be in character.

Presea: Probability of OOC-ness, 95.

Or maybe they're just so in character, that you don't know it…. How's that for a twist? I'm like M. Night Shyamalan.

No, actually, I just take their true characters and exaggerate everything. So Lloyd, instead of having an IQ of 23, has an IQ of –5. Raine, instead of only teaching, like, history and normal school stuff, gives lessons on, say… escargot, and what it is. Then expects dumbass Lloyd to remember it. And Wonder Chef is just as crazy as ever, if not more so than usual. Sorry. What a let down, I know.