Chapter 4 / I Hate You

I hate myself and my whole existence,

But I hate you even more.

Why shouldn't I just throw myself down that bridge?

Or stab myself over and over again?

I can feel my mind deteriorate,

I vanish in thin air.

When dawn broke in the dark sky of night, Kate opened her eyes slightly, glancing down to only see her best friend, breathing slowly with peaceful eyes of an angel. She smiled at him and turned her head outwards, looking at the beautiful morning dew on the grass outside. She could hear faint chirping of the red robins outside and everything seemed so right. And as she felt Matt shift his weight on the sofa, he murmured something underneath his breath. She could barely catch it but she heard it.

"I love you…" He said softly.

Hehehe, someone has a crush… I wonder who it is. Kate thought. A pang of jealousy hit her just thinking about Matt with another girl, laughing… smiling… holding hands… Stop. Kate told herself. She can't feel this way towards him, they've been friends forever! She can't just waltz in his life and suddenly asked him if he liked her… Besides, she thought to herself, who would like her? The thought seemed to stick to her mind. Who would like her? No one she supposed. She was just too ugly… not to mention overweight.

Kate frowned. Why was she like this? Why had she let herself do this to her body?

But you didn't. A small voice told her. She was startled by the sudden thought.

"Why didn't I do it then?" She asked grumpily out loud.

Her. It replied hauntingly.

"Who?"

Your mother. It hissed. Your dear mother did this to you. You know it. She's always been feeding you, encouraging you to try her new recipes… Getting you hooked on everything that you've consumed today. You know it! You think this all the time! It ended in such ferocity that Kate jumped slightly.

She waited for that voice to come again. But it didn't. It seemed to have left her alone… for now. She twiddled her thumbs. What did this all mean? Why would she be talking to herself? Was her mother really the one to blame?

"No, it's my own fault… I was the one who turned me into this monster… I can't even think about me anymore… I'm hideous." Kate sobbed quietly.