Dedicated to all those as frustrated with Kikyo's plight as I am, and also to Anna Wintours and her bouts with the PETA people. (Not that I'm a big supporter of Vogue or anything, but it helped with the story.)
It was a beautiful sunny day that found our favorite undead priestess sitting on a tree stump kicking grass with the toe of her sandal in a not-so-sunny manner.
"I can't stand it," she sighed dejectedly. "After all the trouble of getting killed by Naraku and coming back to life again, what do I get? Kagome has my soul, Inuyasha loves her instead of me, and everyone else is either stereotyping me as a creepy zombie or is endeavoring their best to kill me... And who's on my side? No one but these flying eels!" Rising suddenly, she jumped up and down pounding the ground and kicking it one more time for good measure, sending her shoe flying off her foot.
"DAMMIT!" she screamed in frustration to the sky. "I'm the real victim here! I mean, did I ask for Naraku to trick me and kill me? Did I ask that stupid witch Urasuea to bring me back to life and put me in this clay body? Or to be obsessed over by a burned-up bandit's heart? NO, DAGNABIT! And what's the best I can hope for at the end of this stupid drawn out melodrama? To die and take Naraku down with me. No happily ever after for the tragic priestess- oh no, that's just too much to ask for." Sitting back down, she rested her chin on her hand, mulling over the situation.
"Well, forget it!" she finally resolved to no one. "I refuse to stand by any longer while everyone else hogs the glory! Bring me pen and paper," she commanded one of her shinidamachuu and straight away they brought her a scroll and a brush and ink.
Kikyo took them and scribbled several names down, finished, and reviewed her work. Satisfied she didn't leave out anyone, she stashed it in her quiver along with her arrows and set off for her new journey.
First stop: Inuyasha and Kagome.
Inuyasha paced impatiently in the grassy field, the sun setting orange and crimson behind him. In his hand he held a note which read:
Dear Inuyasha, (Ah! She called him "dear"::blush blush:)
I have decided to confess my true feelings for you. Please meet me at the grassy field at sundown. Can't wait...
(Ah! She used a :heart::blush blush:)
I wish she'd hurry up and get here, though, thought Inuyasha, wondering if he had gone to the wrong grassy field- there were quite a few of them around.
At long last, he and Kikyo would be together like they were meant to be!
Then he saw her walking towards him, her long hair blowing lightly in the wind for affect.
"Oh, Inuyasha!" she exclaimed happily, spreading her arms out to him.
"Oh, Kikyo!" he said doing the same.
They ran in slow motion across the field, stars in their eyes, and sighed blissfully collapsing into each other's arms.
"Finally, we can be together forever," Inuyasha murmured into her ear. It was truly a romantic moment until...
She yanked away from him violently and shoved him down.
"Yeah, right, jerk!"
"What!" Inuyasha was truly flabbergasted. "Didn't you ask me here so we could get back together?"
"Heck no! I came here to tell you I'm breaking up with you!"
"W-what? B-breaking up!"
"Yeah, you heard me," she reiterated. "We are through! Over! Kaput!"
"B-but-" he protested, but she cut him off.
"I mean, really, is it too much to ask for a little bit of your consideration considering all that we've been through? I mean how many times have you saved Kagome? No, wait, for that matter, how many times have I saved your sorry-excuse-for-a-boyfriend butt? And you couldn't even be bothered to come look out for me the two times I really needed you? Who needs a relationship like that?" she asked turning away and fluffing her hair. "I've got better ways to waste my time- like exacting my revenge on every single unappreciative creature on this pathetic show."
Just then Kagome came prancing up all beams and smiles. In her hand was a note reading:
Dear Kagome, (eep! He used "dear"!)
I have a bonding experience that I must share with you. Please meet me at the grassy field at sundown. Can't wait...
:heart: Kik... I mean, Inuyasha. (Eep! He used a :heart!)
"Oh lover boy!" she squealed. "I'm here for that bonding experience you've been dying to share with me!"
"Oh, good," Kikyo remarked dryly.
Kagome stopped dead in her tracks.
"Kikyo!" she scowled locking her arms in a death lock through Inuyasha's. "What are you doing here? Inuyasha is mine now!"
"Fine by me," Kikyo replied nonchalantly. "In fact, I have a little present for you two and all those InuKag-Kikyo haters out there." And before either of them could blink, she bound them back to back with some rope.
"How's that for a lifetime bonding experience?" she asked gleefully.
"Ah! What are you doing!" Kagome shrieked, trying to wriggle free. "Inuyasha! Do something!"
Inuyasha also tried to break free, but the rope wouldn't give.
"I'm trying to break free," he told her, "but the rope just won't give!"
"He he he," Kikyo giggled. "I put a spell on that rope and so long as you two love each other, it'll keep you bound to the other! (How thoughtful of me, eh? That way you two will always be together.) Have a great happy ending, suckers," she called out, walking away and waving a hand behind her.
"WAIT, KIKYO!" Inuyasha howled. "BUT I LOVE YOU!"
Yeah, yeah, tell it to someone who cares...
Impulsively Kagome yelled out, "SIT, BOY!" forgetting for a moment that she was tied to Inuyasha and went crashing down with him.
Kikyo just snickered as she pulled out her scroll and crossed Inuyasha's and Kagome's names off her list.
As she was trying to figure out her next victim, a familiar monk's voice yelled out, "STOP!"
Kikyo turned around, somewhat annoyed at having her task delayed to see Sango and Miroku running up to catch up with her.
"Oh, it's you two- the bozo and the demon slayer," she greeted without too much enthusiasm.
"Bouzo," Miroku corrected.
"Whatever," she waved it off, consulting her scroll. "Well, you two aren't on my list, so I guess I really have nothing against you except for your complete lack of sympathy for my situation. Still, I guess you've been punished enough anyway. I mean the bozo-"
"Whatever- has that black hole thing in his hand, and Sango, you're... well... in love with a dumb pervert."
A huge sweatdrop slid down Sango's forehead as she muttered, "You are right there..."
"Still," Miroku interjected, unwinding the beads around his hand, "we can't just let you leave until you untie Kagome and Inuyasha."
Kikyo gasped as if taken aback, her eyes glued fearfully to the monk's hand.
"Y-you really wouldn't use that on someone as pretty as me, would you?" she asked sidling up to him with puppy dog eyes and a little pout.
"Well, not if you do me one favor..." he replied replacing the beads and grasping her hands in between his own. "Would you do me the honor of bearing my children?"
THWACK! Sango's fist came crashing down on his thick head.
"Of course not!" she cried in anger and annoyance. "She CAN'T even have kids, you moron!" And she commenced stomping him to the ground, whacking him several dozen times with her giant boomerang.
Kikyo took out her brush and wrote Sango and Miroku down, then crossed them off. No point in it going to waste, she reasoned ignoring the bashing and continuing on her way.
Next on her list: a certain stupid loud-mouthed wolf...
Kouga ran in a whirlwind to his cave, calling for food, but halted dead when he saw Kikyo leaning against the entrance, her arms crossed and a smug expression on her face.
"What is it you want, you dead wench?" he asked edgily.
"Now, now, Kouga," she replied, pushing herself up to full standing position. "That's no way to speak to a lady... though I guess I really shouldn't expect someone who lives in a cave this smelly to know that..."
"Are you making fun of my lifestyle? I'll have you know, it suits me and the rest of the tribe perfectly well."
"You maybe," Kikyo countered, "but I've convinced the rest of your 'tribe' (meaning the remaining Ginta and Haku) to do a little... redecorating. Come," she urged. "Take a look."
Warily Kouga stepped up to the entrance and peeked in.
His eyes nearly fell off as he beheld a room splashed with pink and purple leopard print throws and fuzzy lamps.
"W-WHAT HAPPENED HERE!" he yelled incredulously.
"You like it?" a scratchy voice asked hopefully.
Turning around, Kouga found his two effeminate followers- Ginta and Haku.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY BEAUTIFUL CAVE!"
"I took them shopping with me to Dry Ice," Kikyo told him innocently. "But wait, that's not all. These two have something they've been dying to tell you, but needed a little encouragement from yours truly to work up the nerve... Ginta, Haku." She motioned for them to proceed.
Stepping up shyly the two stammered in unison, "K-Kouga... WE LOVE YOU!" And tackled him to the ground, Kikyo laughing behind them.
"YOU DAMN WITCH!" Kouga exclaimed, throwing the two guys on top of him off and charging for her, but he was deflected at the entrance by a barrier she had created.
"Call me scary and creepy, will you?" Kikyo mocked. "Well, how's that for scary and creepy? I hope you three have fun. :heart:" and she winked at them as she left, crossing out Kouga's name several times on her scroll.
Just a couple more to go, she said with deadly resolution to herself, before I come for you, NARAKU!
Kaede sat with her stumpy old legs folded below her, stirring the simmering pot over the fire.
"Ah, udon," she sighed happily to herself. "Ye are truly my only reason for living..."
"And here I thought my existence was sad." The familiar voice immediately caused Kaede's head to look up, surprised to see her sister's ominous figure at the doorway, a sudden breeze ruffling through her hair and blowing the straw curtain for emphasis.
"Kikyo," Kaede replied. "What are ye doing here?"
"I came," she answered stepping into the small hut, "to disown you."
"W-what?" Kaede wondered if she had heard her right.
"Yeah, you heard me right," Kikyo muttered irritably. (How come no one listened to her?) "You know, with everything I'm going through, I thought I could've at least turn to my family for support, but instead you label me a zombie and cast me off in favor of my reincarnation. What kind of sisterly love is that?"
"But, sister, I..." Kaede protested.
"Don't call me that anymore," Kikyo cut her off. "From here on out I dissolve all blood ties to you. You are dead to me."
"How can you dissolve all blood ties," her 'younger' sister asked confused, "when you don't even have any blood? And you're the one that's dead, not me..."
"Oh, technicalities, technicalities," she dismissed with a tsk tsk. "Anyway, since we are no longer sisters, I came back for all the things I left you at the time of my first death- namely my Malibu Barbie collection, complete with dream house and pink Cadillac, not to mention ultra-hunky boy-toy boyfriend Ken."
And she resumed searching the house and gathering up all her toys. (They are not toys! They are collectibles!)
"Wait, stop!"Kaede begged. "You said I could have those!"
"No, I said my sister could have them, but you're not my sister, therefore I never gave them to you." And she stalked off with her large bag of loot slung across her shoulder. "Hasta la vista, baby," she shot with a weak Schwarzenager impression as she disappeared into the night.
By morning the next day she was still lugging it around, congratulating herself that her strength must be growing as little by the little the heavy burden had gotten lighter and lighter, not noticing that a huge hole had appeared at the bottom of the bag and one by one items were dropping out.
"Ooo, Master Jaken!" a little girl's voice somewhere behind her cried. "Look at all the toys!"
Quickly Kikyo dumped her stuff and jumped to hide behind a tree.
Rin... The little girl's name flashed through her mind. Wait, if Rin is here then that must mean Sesshomaru isn't far behind.
And as if to confirm her suspicions, Sesshomaru's voice floated to her saying in it's usual bored tone, "You can keep them, Rin, but I expect you to pick them up after you are done playing with them and put them away instead of letting them lie around everywhere in your room."
"Oh thank you, Lord Sesshomaru!" Rin grinned happily collecting the fallen objects.
Kikyo watched them walk past her hiding place, apparently unaware of her presence. Now's my chance, she decided, and picking up a hefty little rock, pitched it with her strong hand at the back of Sesshomaru's head who immediately whirled around to glare at the soon-to-be-dead offender, but stopped short when he saw Kikyo jumping out from behind the tree- she was already dead.
"That's for just standing there and watching me die, jerk!" she yelled. "And that's not all." Taking two fingers to her mouth, she let out a shrill whistle and crowd of men and women in shirts reading 'PETA' came stampeding up the hill.
One glance at Sesshomaru sent waves of angry protest through the crowd and they yelled simultaneously, "GET HIM!"
"What is the meaning of this?" Sesshomaru staggered back in surprise and confusion as the PETA protestors grabbed at his fluffy. "Get away from me!" With one swipe of his Tokijen, he cut three of them in half, the rest standing back in eerie silence.
A strange substance oozed from the fallen protesters and regenerated their missing halves, soon creating six new whole protesters.
"It's no good," Kikyo laughed from behind the crowd. "They're made of tofu- cut one down and two more take his place!"
"No, it can't be..." Sesshomaru was at a loss for words- he had never expected anything so devious from her.
"READY THE PIES!" the protesters cried out and immediately produced their special made tofu pies, and began throwing them at Sesshomaru.
"RUN, MILORD!" Jaken screamed, fleeing, and for once Sesshomaru took his advice. But it was no use.
"FUR IS MURDER!" the protestors chanted, taking up chase.
Watching them leave, Kikyo's eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. I'm coming for you, Naraku.
She journeyed past the forest and into an open field, when to her great surprise and pleasure, she saw Kagura flying low overhead. Taking up another stone, she flung it at the wind witch, knocking her out of the air.
"Hey..." Kagura muttered, rubbing her bruised hip. "What was that for?" She glared, but dropped the expression when she saw Kikyo.
What does this creepy undead zombie want now?
"Where's Naraku?" Kikyo asked, skipping all formalities.
"How should I know?" Kagura shot back.
"Because you're his underling, duh!"
"Oh, right," Kagura replied. How could she forget? "Last time I saw him he was brooding in his castle."
"But I thought his castle was destroyed by Inuyasha and Sesshomaru several episodes ago?"
"Oh yeah, that. Well, Naraku bought a new one," she explained, fanning herself airily. "Great little piece of real estate- right off the ocean on a high cliff- nice views all around... had to torture the agent a bit, but he got it for a pretty fair price- the insurance on the thing is killer though, and so's the mortgage, but-"
Kikyo cut her off with a "ahem..."
"Oh, right, anyway, he should still be there, but who knows. What do you want with that freak anyway? You know he still has a thing for you..."
"I don't care," Kikyo answered. "This melodrama has lasted long enough and it's time I put an end to it all."
"Wait, you're planning on killing him?" the pleasant surprise dawned on Kagura, and suddenly she smiled and offered, "Here, let me give you a ride!"
And so off they went in search of Naraku.
Meanwhile, Sesshomaru had managed to elude the PETA people.
Damn that woman, he seethed, wiping tofu pie filling off his huge fur wrap. It's going to take a fortune to get this dry cleaned.
Angrily he flew off into the air in search of Kikyo.
Soon he picked up her scent and followed it to where of all places but Naraku's castle. Not bothering to knock or get announced, he entered the familiar place- he had just recently sold it to a real estate agent.
I can't believe what he's done to the place. That guy has no sense of taste... he thought, kicking aside the skeletal remains of some animal or other.
Rounding a corner, he finally spotted Kikyo sans Kagura who had decided to leave in case something bad happened and she'd get caught in the middle like always.
"HEY YOU!" he called out. "YOU OWE ME A NEW FUR!"
Kikyo's eyes popped wide in surprise when she saw the demon lord.
I thought I already took care of this guy... stupid PETA protesters. Well, I have no time to waste, I have to find Naraku!
So without bothering to respond, she spun on her heels and took off down the corridor and through this and that door, but he followed suit, though slowed down every now and then by mini barriers that she put up in haste.
Frustrated by his insistence, she took off her remaining shoe and hurled it at him, but he managed to dodge, though barely, and caught her wrist.
"You're going pay," he stated coldly, menacingly, just inches away from her face, "the dry cleaning bill! Do you know how much it's going to cost to have this thing cleaned as good as new? It ain't cheap, sister!"
She was about to say something back when dry laughter resonated around the room. They both turned to stare at Naraku, who they had completely missed earlier, dressed in his baboon robe.
"It's nice to see you two, especially you, Kikyo, my love."
"Ew," she recoiled at the insinuation. "Listen here you! I hate you. HATE YOU! HATE YOU!" And she commenced stomping the ground to demonstrate. "I WILL NEVER EVER GO OUT WITH A GUY WHO WEARS BLUE EYESHADOW! I REFUSE!"
"You say that now," he argued, "but if you'd just give me a chance..." His voice trailed off as he heard a strange rumbling vibrate through the castle, growing louder and louder.
"FUR IS MURDER! FUR IS MURDER!" The PETA people had picked up Sesshomaru's scent and had followed him to the castle, but upon seeing Naraku regaled in his baboon finery, they forgot about the demon lord and focused their energy on him.
Naraku disappeared in an avalanche of tofu pie.
"Wh-what is this?" he asked, taking a taste of the filling. Suddenly he began to melt. "NOOOOO! TOFU! MY ONE WEAKNESS!" and he was reduced to nothing more than a puddle of brown mud on the floor...
"Well," Kikyo remarked dryly. "That wasn't what I exactly had planned, but I guess it'll have to do." And so she took out her scroll and crossed off the final name on her list.