I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its characters.

Email - wonga316(at)yahoo(dot)com(dot)au
MSN - wonga316(at)hotmail(dot)com

TheWickerMan (Some say he pretends to be a chick in WoW to get free crap from guys, all we know he's called TheWickerMan)

Lord Raa (Some say his nipples itch when proof reads and his testicles shrink when he eats goats cheese, all we know he's called Lord Raa)


This is an AU fic where Shinji has the normal yet dysfunctional family. No EVA or Angels and I've decided to include almost all the characters from the anime. There is no real point to the fic. It's just some fun and a creative outlet. Hopefully it'll spark some better ideas for my other stories. As a result some hardcore NGE fans will find that some characters are severely OOC but it is an AU without Angels and EVA…

"…" Normal speech

'…' Thoughts

(…) Computer / phone / other chat (you will know what I mean…)

"I think he's waking!" Mana voice was excited and relieved. The comfortable yet unfamiliar sensation of pure satin pyjamas against his skin caused Shinji to open his eyes.

He tried to move but was quickly stopped by Asuka, "What are you doing? You have to rest," She half berated him but was clearly concern for his welfare.

"Try to stay still," He heard his sister's voice and felt her finger's against his wrist measuring his pulse.

"Huh? Where the hell am I?" The blurriness from his vision cleared. He ignored the girl's advice to rest and sat up to check his surrounding.

Shinji found himself in a rich luxurious English styled bedroom. It was way bigger than his usually bedroom. Expensive and posh looking wallpaper with intricate designs covered the walls. Fancy curtains covered the windows preventing day light from intruding. A decorative and ornate chandelier hung from the centre of the roof. His bed was king size complete with four grand posts. Each post had elaborate and matching wood craving designs in the oak timber. The bed posts were framed by the classy curtains that were drawn back. Matching oak dresser and desk were also present in the room.

"Aren't you the lucky boy?" Another voice came from the door way. He looked around and found a familiar face, "Not many people have three personal nurses waiting on them. They all stayed by your side while you slept."

While Gohei Ikari entered the room, Shinji looked at the girls to see what his grandmother had said was true. Rei continued had finished taking his pulse and moved on to measuring his blood pressure. Mana smiled with a slight blush across her features and Asuka found the something on the opposite side of the room more interesting than making eye contact with him.

"Let have a look at you," She sat herself down on the bed and began inspecting him for herself. As she checked his body for any injuries, he slowly began to remember what had happen.

"THE SUBMARINE! IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT?!" he asked extremely concerned.

"Everyone is fine. You should know that it's practically impossible to kill them lot," the oldest Ikari answered and satisfied that nothing serious was wrong with Shinji.

"The laundry department should finish with your clothes by now," He nodded but thought her words were a bit strange. There wasn't much time to ponder too much as two maids entered the room. One of them carrying his clothes now clean and neatly pressed. The other maid was carrying his sneakers which looked brand new straight out of the box.

"Thank you girls," Gohei took the items and handed them to Shinji. The maids left not before giggling to themselves about something.

"I'll wait for you outside," She kissed him on his forehead and left him alone to get dressed. He half expected the other to follow his grandmother but that wasn't the case.

"You need any help dressing?" Mana asked hoping for a positive response but Asuka promptly dragged her away by the back of the shirt. Rei followed the after the girls without any fuss. Shinji was shocked at the ease they all left him alone to dress. It took a few moments to sink in. He eventually clothed himself and went outside.

"Where is everyone else?" was the first thing he asked them.

"They are busy making alterations to main stadium," She answered while leading him down the hallway towards some large doors which lead out to a small balcony.

"Alterations? Stadium?" It was the second time that something didn't make sense.

"It's easier to show you than explaining," Gohei flung the doors open and Shinji eye's temporarily were blinded by the brightness of the sun in the clear blue sky. When his sight adjusted he found himself overlooking the Ikari Imperial Island. Its vast green land stretched to the horizon only to be broken up by the protruding city towers and roads. The dome of a stadium stood out like a hump through the tree tops of the parks. A giant Ferris wheel could be seen in the distance, showing the location of the theme park. It was basically an entire population living in a completely self sufficient island environment.

"Welcome to the Ikari Imperial Island," Gohei laughed at her grandson's state of shock.

"Ikari Imperial Island?! What happen to the small holiday house in Okinawa?!" It was all too much for the young boy. He collapsed on his backside as one of Gohei's commercial planes flew overhead.

"We only told you that it was Okinawa. The beach house is actually on that side of the island," Gohei pointed towards the horizon. She then handed him a pair binoculars.

"You'll need these to see it." His jaw remained agape and didn't take the binoculars. Asuka took the binoculars instead and surveyed the island.

"You and Rei were young so did it really matter if you stayed here or on Okinawa? The both of you had fun that's the main thing," She patted him on the head.

"Hang on! What about all the shops, the water park and all the other stuff?!" Shinji vividly remembered their summer holidays consisting more than just staying at his grandmother's holiday home. They would take him and his sister into town to enjoy the sights and sound.

"The whole town is there as well. Actually the water park has just expanded. We have six more new slides now," she explained in a proud voice.

"Wow a water park! Will you take me there Shinji?!" Mana squealed with excitement.

"Aren't you the least bit surprised at all this?!" He asked almost begged Mana, hoping that there was someone around that shared his normalcy.

"AH?! Are you asking on a date?! I'm so embarrassed!" She pretended to be the shy school for just a few seconds, "You can pick me up at six. I'm staying in the third guest mansion. It's the one that looks like the Hacienda."

"What's a Hacienda?!" He asked.

"Hacienda is a large estate building most common in South American countries. Commonly they are owned by wealth ranchers or plantation owners," Rei explained but just got a blank look from her brother so she continued. "Grandmother has buildings and architecture from all over the world. All of her employees come from different parts of the world. By having some familiar surroundings, they feel more comfortable and quickly adapt. Mother and I are staying in the Royal palace located in the centre of the island."

"Oh well that makes a lot of sense…" There was a moment of silence before Shinji officially freaked out.


"Hey baka, it looks like the charter boat is back from its morning reef snorkelling tour. If you hurry your ass we should be able to make for the afternoon tour." Asuka had ignored his outburst and continued checking the island for things to do.

Shinji's was light headed and not feeling feel. He collapsed backwards. Rei had a wheelchair on standby and caught her brother before he could hurt himself on the hard floor.

"Oh my, I guess it was all a little too much for him to take in. May be I should have just given him this." She produced the 2015 edition of the Ikari Imperial Island Introduction Handbook and Guide. "It's a shame. This year we have included vouchers that you can use in the casino and shopping districts."


"EVERYONE GET OUTTA WAY!" the angry women's obscene shouting abruptly woke Shinji. It gave him a terrible fright and he stumbled out of the wheelchair. The sound of over revved diesel engines from two massive bulldozers flew past him with a gust of wind. There caterpillar tracks tore up the lush green pitch sending mud and muck into the air.

"Ritsu-chan, are you sure that you are following the blueprints?" His grandmother asked the young blonde scientist. The both of them were wearing construction safety hats and Ritsuko holding a mega phone.

"HA! YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME WITH DRIVING LIKE THAT?!" one of the driver's behind the bulldozer was Misato. He only caught a glimpse of flowing auburn hair of the other driver to be Kyoko Sohryu.

"Shinji!!" A familiar and concerned voice called his name through the noise. Next he was swamped in a familiar bear hug. She was so quick that he didn't notice the sticks of demolition explosives hanging out of her pocket. "Mummy was so worried about you! But I knew that you pull through. You are my baby boy after all!"

"What hell is going on?!" He shouted trying to get over the bulldozer derby. Suddenly a construction hat was quickly plonked on his head.

"You must take care. We are in a construction area," his twin sister said after placing the hard hat on him and then proceeded to make him wear a highly visible fluorescent vest.

"Shinji, tell Ritsu-chan that she's reading them the wrong way," Gohei turned to him with open blueprints in her hands. The grandmother was adamant that her plans were not being followed.

"You would be having problems as well if you had to deal with these monkeys as workers!" Ritsuko barked in her defence as racing bulldozers completed another lap.

"Shinji! Ritsu! You want an ice cream?! It's my treat!" Naoko Akagi's voice called out to them from nowhere. They looked around and found the woman buying ice creams from a vendor cart.

"This is no time for ice cream!" Ritsuko shouted in frustration. They watched the elder Akagi completed the transaction and walk towards them. The ice cream vendor quickly escaped from the stadium.

"LOOK OUT!!" The group screamed as the oblivious woman walked into the path of the two bulldozers pretending to be dodgem cars. She slipped right between the monstrous racing machines, narrowly missing from being turned into a fresh meat patty.

"DAMN IT! I MISSED!!" Kyoko cursed as his missed out on an opportunity to rid herself of her annoying friend.

Naoko continued to happily skip towards the group. She was careful not to drop or drip any of the ice cream.

"There you go! Strawberry for you." The mother ignored the concerned looks on everyone's face and handed over the cold sweet to Ritsuko. Out of reluctance and frustration, she snatched the ice cream from her mother.

"Do you have any idea what you just did?! Do you have any idea how close you came to dying?!" The Akagi daughter was trying her very hardest to try and remain calm,

"Everyone here will agree with me just how stupid that was!" The blonde woman turned to the group for backup but she should have known better.

"Now I feel like some ice cream. Where the hell get that vendor go?!" Gohei looked over where the ice cream disappeared hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

Ritsuko face faulted into the stadium turf. Her body making a prefect imprint in the earth. Her strawberry ice cream hit the dirt with a splat.

"Ritsuko-san?!" Shinji was the only one worried about the woman's well being.

"Hmph! Don't expect mummy to buy you another ice cream!" Naoko was adamant that her daughter had dropped her treat in a tantrum and wasn't going to waste money on another.

Suddenly everything went quiet. The roar of the bulldozer's trying to destroy each other disappeared. Shinji focused off Ritsuko for a moment and he checked what was going on. He found the bulldozers stopped and the driver seats were empty.

"AH!" He turned his head and was greeted with Misato and Kyoko face inches away from his. The fright caused the boy stumbled backwards.

"Can we have some ice please Shinji?!" The two women pleaded putting on their best puppy dog begging faces.

"O…kay… On the condition that you tell me what on earth is going on." Regrettably he gave in and stooped down to their level but it was the only way get some answers.

Misato and Kyoko ignored his attempt at plea bargaining and crash tackled Naoko who was still holding onto the last precious ice cream cone. He let out a deep sigh and didn't try to stop the trio cat-fighting in front of him.

Just then, the whine of electric motors caught his ear. The sound belonged to electric golf carts heading their way. Maya was driving with Hikari, Mana and Asuka as passengers. Behind them Kensuke and Touji were in there own golf cart. With something unusual rolled up and placed across the back seat. They carefully navigated their way through the bumpy and uneven terrain that Misato and Kyoko had made.

"Ah! Perfect timing kids! Show us what you have done," Gohei greeted the new arrivals. Touji and Kensuke leapt out and removed the mysterious item from the back seat. Shinji recognised it as some sort of large poster rolled up. His friends began to unravel it to reveal what was written on it.

"Inaugural Decide Shinji Future Contest 2015. Proudly sponsored by NERV Heavy Industries. Tickets and corporate box seats on sale now," The Shinji read aloud what the massive signal said. There was a headache was coming so he began rubbing his temples in a vain attempt to prevent it.

"Hey! We all worked really hard on this and you don't have anything to say?!" Asuka didn't give the boy any reprieve.

"We're having a cook off competition and the winner decides what you are going to do," his mother explained in quietly confident voice, "You don't have to worry about a thing. I got this in the bag."

"Hmpf! You sound awfully confident." The snide comment came from none other than Asuka. The young girl scoffed at the mother's words. The pair began to exchanging death stares.

"Oh my, I didn't expect it to be a three way competition. I guess I'll have the plans changed for a bigger kitchen stadium," Gohei snapped her fingers and a maid appeared out of no where with all the stealth and silence of a ninja.

"So let me see if I understand this… All of you." Shinji finally mustered up what was left of his sanity and pointed to the whole group.

"Ah-huh," They replied with all their heads nodding in perfect unison.

"Are building a kitchen stadium to have some sort of cook competition," He continued.

"Ah-huh," They replied and nodded again.

"And it's a three way contest between," He points at Gohei who nods politely then swings his arm around to the mother's group who waves energetically and then finally moves over to Asuka and his friends

"And the winner gets to decide what I do with my future," he finished up pointing at himself.

"Ah-huh," They all replied again for a third time.

Then there was silence as his mind tried to make understand the input of information that was given to him.

"Geez… wonder where that ice cream man went," Gohei broke the silence with her totally unrelated comment. Shinji face faulted into the ground joining Ritsuko in making an imprint of his body on the stadium earth.

"DON'T I GET A SAY IN ANY OF THIS?!" He managed to pull his face up from the ground and shout on the top of his lungs.

There was another pause as his family and friends looked at one another. Then without uttering a word to each other, they came to a decision.

"HAHAHAHA!!" they all broke out in hysterical laughter like a troupe of baboons in the jungle. Shinji just let his head hit the ground once again. Kensuke and Touji approached and offered some consoling pats on the back. Their gesture was nice but did nothing.

"My baby boy is so funny! It's just so cute!" Yui cried out while wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Don't I get a say in any of this?!" Naoko put on a mock voice of Shinji which caused more laughter.

"He sounds just like baka Gendo!" Kyoko was rolling around on the ground pounding the ground with her fist.

"Oh my… children say the funniest things…" The normally well mannered Gohei Ikari had troubles controlling herself.

Rei had turned her face away to hide her snickering. Asuka and the other girls were less worried about the way they expressed their laughter.

"Some friends you two are…" Shinji mumbled with his face in the dirt.

"Sorry dude. We signed an exclusively deal with your Gran to host and broadcast the event," Touji continued to pat his friend on the back, "But don't feel bad we negotiated a good deal for us."

"Yeah!" Kensuke chimed in, "You should be happy that you are helping us! We're getting a cut in all ticket sales and big slice of the T.V. money!"

"You're welcome…" Shinji hoped that if he breathed in enough soil it would fill is lungs to end his existence. But his grandmother said something that made the option of living for the next few minutes a little more interesting.

"Oh that reminds me," She snapped her fingers together. "I have something to show you Shinji. It's actually the main reason I asked you to come to my island."

She fiddled around inside the sleeve of her kimono and pulled her cell phone. She began dialling then realised something, "Do you feel like riding in a helicopter or limousine? We need to get to the other side of the island."

Her question literally caused his body to start convulsing uncontrollably.

"Hmmm… by air would be quicker but if went by road we can stop of ice cream," it was sound logic from the elder Ikari as Shinji's friends and family tried to snap him out of his seizure.


A lone body had washed up on the one of the many deserted beaches surrounding Ikari Island. It was a man and he laid face down in the sand, exhausted from his struggle against the sea. The coarse granules of sand acted like a steel scrubbing brush on the inside of his nose and throat. He breathed it in with a mixture of sea water and the uncomfortable sensation caused a gag relax action. The man coughed and splattered as he rolled himself over to his back. All he could see was the clear blue sky and the bright blinding sun starting to cook his skin.

"It's about time you woke," a familiar voice said from behind. He slowly tilted head backward and recognised the upside down figure who addressed him.

"That hat looks stupid on you," Gendo voice crackled. His sensei Kouzou Fuyutsuki had somehow survived the watery crash landing in the VTOL. Out of necessity the older man had carefully folded a pirate hat out of his newspaper.

"It's a lot better than getting sunburnt," Fuyutsuki countered. Just then the pitter-patter sound of webbed feet wobbling along the sand grew loud enough for Gendo not to ignore it.

"WARK!" Pen-pen was running and Gendo was in the way. The family pet leapt onto his human father's chest and continued waddling away at great speed.

"What the…OOPF!" Before he could finish the size 11 loafer belonging to Ryoji Kaji was implanted squarely in his mid section.

"GET BACK HERE!" The ponytailed hair man shouted while wielding a poorly hand made spear, "What are you two doing sitting down?! Dinner is getting away!"

The starving and desperate man didn't wait for any help and continued the hunt the only source of food he could find.

"WARK!" 'Stupid long haired pretty boy! I'm not a KFC bucket!!' Pen-pen sustained his flow insults while maintaining a fairly safe distance between him and his hunter.


After a brief stop to get ice cream for everyone, the convoy of limousines had reached their destination. They stopped outside the front steps of the Ikari National Library Archive.

"Awww… I wanted to stop at the petting zoo," Misato complained with enjoying her cold snack. They had passed the Ikari National Zoo on their way and it didn't go unnoticed. This month's special was a petting zoo with baby animals.

"Yeah! I'm with Misato. Why didn't we stop?" Naoko seconded Misato's notion as well as helping herself to another serve of ice cream.

"We can stop by afterwards and besides, if I remember correctly, one of us is blacklisted from the zoo," Gohei answered and began ascending the long flight of stone stairs to the library's entrance.

"Blacklisted? How do you get blacklisted from a zoo?" Kensuke asked out loud.

"Let's just hurry up!" Kyoko said quickly and almost ran up the stairs after Gohei like she had something to hide.

"Oh that's right! Baka Kyoko got in trouble for playing with that donkey," Naoko quickly recalled the unsavory event.

"You better not say a word!" Asuka's mother threatened from up the stairs. But a large crowd had gathered around Naoko to hear the story. As she proceeded to recant the events in questions it was clear to everyone what had happen.

"EWWW!!" Everyone backed away after the conclusion of the story.

"Damn! That's the sickest thing I have heard," Touji gagged.

"Yeah!" Kensuke seem to back up his partner in crime, "Did anyone get any photos?!"

"Awww… Poor Mr. Donkey…" Misato felt sorry for the animal that suffered at the hands of Kyoko Sohryu.

"Mr. Donkey was one day away from retirement," Naoko shook her head disapprovingly, "He was never the same again."

Kyoko quickly ran towards Shinji, "Shinji! You have to believe me! It was Baka Naoko's idea! We were drunk! There's this video on the internet! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!"

The mother began shaking the boy so much that he couldn't answer if he wanted.

"AH! Get away from my baby boy!" Yui quickly rescued him, "Who knows what diseases you have?!"

"So… Asuka…" Mana approached the red head grinning like a Cheshire cat. A definite wise crack was coming. But Asuka lashed out first with a wild swing which Mana dodged easily. The enraged daughter then set her sights on her mother and made a furious beeline towards her.

"If everyone is done talking about Kyoko's forays into inter-species erotica," all the colour drained from Kyoko's face and she turned into a statue, "I have something that's much more interesting."

Yui hugged Shinji close to her body like a new born and quickly went up the stairs, putting as much distance between her and Kyoko. Everyone else followed. Asuka was last and stopped next to her frozen mother. She was going to push her down the stairs but a pigeon landed on top Kyoko's head. The bird proceeded to relieve himself, leaving whitish gray stains all over the woman.

"Pfft… You probably enjoyed that," the daughter sneered before catching up to the group.

Everyone was waiting for her outside the main entrance. They were all dwarfed by the ancient Romeisch stone pillars which lead into the arch way entrance.

"Is everyone here now?!" Gohei produced a flag with a chibified faces of her grandchildren and waved it around like a tour guide, "We standing in front of the Ikari national library. Construction started in the 1800s and took almost thirty years to complete. It consist over 40 million catalogued books and other printed material in 470 languages. There is almost one thousand kilometers of shelf space. And there is a current project to digitize the older more fragile material for preservation."

"And what's the purpose of bringing us all here?" Ritsuko felt she was wasting her time and got straight to the point.

"I figured that some of you may be interested in some rare footage of Shinji as a baby and growing up," At that moment Gohei was almost knocked over by the mob that charged inside without a second thought. She skillfully avoided the rampaging females and managed to save Shinji hooking his collar with the tip of her flag.

"You know the surveillance footage with Kyoko and Mr. Donkey might also be in the archive," Touji and Kensuke didn't even stop to open the door and ploughed straight through. All that remained was Ritsuko and Maya. The blonde woman sighed, turned and trudged away.

"Ah! Sempai?!" Maya called out. She was confused at what to do in this situation.

"I'm sick of this… I'm going to find myself a drink…" Her sempai moaned.

"You know Ritsuko-chan," Gohei began speaking which made the other woman stop, "We have quite an extensive science and technology department. In fact I think that we have solution to that experimental S2 engine project you are working on in secret."

"Huh?! How did you know about?!" The grandmother had the blonde scientist's full attention now. Her current pet project the experimental S2 engine was privy to only a hand full of people within NERV. This new technology would make the petroleum combustion engines obsolete. Her revolutionary zero emission compact power-plant would put her top of the scientific world. But she had run into a few complications which were frustrating her.

"Well, if you're not interested…" Gohei was about to withdraw her offer when she was interrupted.

"No! No! It's always good to get a different perspective on a problem," Ritsuko quickly changed her mind and turned to her assistant, "Let's go Maya."

She strode pass, trying to hide her excitement. Maya politely bowed and thanked the host and quickly followed inside.

"That's was easy. Hohoho." The grandmother gave her patent chuckle. She originally thought the task of getting Shinji and Rei away from everyone would encounter some difficulties.

"Can you let me down now?" Shinji asked still suspended from the end of the tour flag. He was gentle lowered and unhooked himself.

"Are you kids ready for family history lesson?" Gohei said with glee while waving her flag around.


Kaji's chase for nourishment continued along the deserted but idyllic coastline. A few times he was close to capturing his prey but Pen-pen was skilful enough to dodge all his thrusts of the poorly made spear. He was about to give up when the penguin tripped and stumbled over something half buried in the sand. The lapping water washed away more sand and revealed wooden crate of some sort.

"WARK!" (Sumhavabitch! Who's the asshole that put that there?!) The bird cursed and grabbed his swollen flipper.

"We're saved! There must be rations inside!" Kaji immediately thought the crate had fallen off a cargo ship and washed up here. His excitement caused the two elder statesmen stranded on the beach to approach.

A heavy and corroded padlock sealed the lid tight. Kaji improvised and grabbed Pen-pen. He formed the bird in the shape of a crowbar and proceeded to smash open the padlock. After a few stiff whacks the lock easily broke and he tossed Pen-pen crowbar over his shoulder.

"WARK!" (MUTHAFAR…) his non children friendly obscene squawks faded into the distance.

Salivating at the mouth, Kaji kicked open the crate but it wasn't the life saving rations that he hoped that were inside.

"Hiss! The light! It burns! It burns! Hiss!" A malnourished and pale Kaworu Nagisa hissed like a cat at his rescuers. Kaji quickly slammed the lid on the boy and looked at his two companions.

"Look… No one else knows that he's here or alive… I hear that human fresh tastes exactly like pork…" He said to Fuyutsuki and Gendo with a deranged look in his eyes.


"Rei-chan," Gohei called to her granddaughter, "Please hold onto your brother's hand. It's quite big in here and you could get lost easily."

The girl latched onto his brother's hand before her grandmother could finish.

"It's really not…" He tried to protest but a slight squeeze from Rei caused him to fall onto one knee. She looked back at him with eyes telling him to comply.

"I'll be good!" He quickly relented and the pressure was released. Rei also gave a rare smile and resumed following Gohei through the column of endless shelves that towered over the trio.

"Shinji, Rei," She called out to them while continuing to lead then deeper and deeper into the maze of books, "What I'm about to tell you is a family secret and was past down to me by my grandmother. The Ikari family has ruled and controlled the earth since the beginning of mankind. Our family acts as an autonomous organization that decides everything for humanity for their own benefit and prosperity. We decide what you read and see on TV and media. We decide who gets elected to power. We decide who the rich and poor. We decide a country's economic fortune. We decide war's victor and looser."

"As the current head of the family, it's my responsibility to ensure that the next generation is prepared to assume the leadership," She stopped talking when they came to a dead end and turned to her heirs. Unfortunately, only one of them was actually playing attention.

"We have walked a fair way. Do you know how to get back and what about the others," The concerned boy asked. The massive bookcases were starting to have a claustrophobic effect.

"Shinji… please pay attention. This is very important," Gohei couldn't get upset with him as it was his nature to be genuinely concerned for everyone.

"Oh sorry Gran. Hmmm… What's that?" Shinji caught sight of a small table and a laptop behind his grandmother.

"This is the Ikari family tree," She opened the notebook PC to the pair and continued with her explanation, "It contains every Ikari born for the past 500 years. This is who you are Shinji."

"My archeology teams with ancient historians have been able to trace the Ikari blood line using official documents through the ages. Carbon dating test results on some of these documents are anywhere between 5500 and 7500 years old. Unfortunately we have only been able verify about 500 years. The degradation of some documents makes it impossible."

The boy moved closer to the laptop to get a better look, "Oh wow! Hey Rei, I can see us and mum and dad…" He had totally missed the fact that he was heir to the Ikari Empire and all of humanity.

"Look carefully and tell me if you can see something strange about our family history," The older woman whispered into his ear.

He looked at the screen but had no idea what Gohei was asking. Quickly, he pretended to be thinking and luckily Rei quickly found the abnormally.

"All the Ikari children born are female,"

"Good," Gohei confirmed that Rei was right, "As far as we can trace back there has not been a single male child born into the Ikari family. My scientist can't find anything genetic or hereditary which could explain this occurrence. But I have my own theory on the subject."

"Being head of the family holds great responsibility and the temptation to abuse your power and control can sometimes be too strong. A few former heads of our family have also fallen into this trap. I believe that nature put in place something to counter act this overwhelming power and influence that our family holds. Let us suppose that it was a family curse that only allowed girls to be born, never boys." The grandmother explained.

"An Ikari family curse?" Shinji muttered in a confused voice, "If that's the case then what about me?"

The boy's question caused the grandmother to smile, "Shinji… You are the first male heir born into the Ikari family over five and half thousand years. That makes you very special," She followed up a big hug that rivaled one from his mother.

"I still have no idea what you are trying to say," he managed to get out before getting the air squeezed out.

"Grandmother is saying that one day the responsibility of the family will come to you. Should you desire it," Rei explained to him in simple terms.

His goofy grin changed to a confused look at his sister's words.

"Rei-chan is right. Normally, you would have no choice in the matter and we would begin your training immediately to prepare you for the day you assume the head of the family but I've never been one to follow the rules. And I could never force my precious grandson into anything you didn't want to do," She put him back down and spoke seriously again.

"That's why I asked if you wanted to come live with me for a while," both her hands came onto his shoulders, "I'm not forcing you to do anything Shinji. Take as much time as you want to think about my offer…"

Gohei decided to mention something that could tip his decision in her favour, "But remember, you have been banned from attending school back in Tokyo Three."

"Why did you have to remind me?!" he replied almost crying.


"OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD!" Misato cried as she raced between the shelves grabbing as much as she could. Thousands of hours of Shinji goodness on film was too much for the woman to take.

"Hey Misato," Naoko called out to her," Do you have Shinji bath time – Age 4 – Volume 16?" she asked as that DVD was missing from the set that she was collecting.


"Hey Misato!" Naoko turned around to find the woman had collapsed and begun convulsions. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she laughed uncontrollably. There was just too much Shinji material on hand for her system to handle.

"Geez… you're weak," The other woman ignored Misato's involuntary twitches and turned to the only other adult, "Please tell me that you have my missing DVD, Yui."

"This is unbelievable!" Shinji's mother said with a stern and upset voice, "How is one suppose to find anything with cataloging like this?! I mean where is Shinji breakfast time with mummy, Shinji morning tea with mummy, Shinji lunch time with mummy, Shinji afternoon tea with mummy, Shinji dinner time with mummy…"

"Right…" Naoko said and slowly began backing away from the deranged mother.

"Whoa! Look at this!" Mana called out excitedly. She was browser along the bottom of the shelves and stumbled across something. Asuka quickly dropped her stack of DVDs and grabbed what Mana was holding.

"Please tell me you have my missing DVD?" Naoko waltzed over to see what the fuss was all about. Unfortunately it wasn't the volume she needed to complete her set.

"Shinji Ikari – First Kiss – Age… Damn it! The end is smudged. I can't make it out!" Asuka read the cover of the DVD aloud. Her words were enough to snap Misato out of her giggle fit and made Yui pay attention.

"We don't need to watch that. I can tell you what me and Shin-chan did that afternoon," Misato spoke confident that she was Shinji's first kiss.

"You are so full of shit! I was that Baka's first kis-" Asuka stopped just before finishing.

"I remember once Shinji and I had cleaning duty one day…" Mana's eyes went all dreamy as she thought of her special moment.

"Actually, there was this time me and donkey girl were bored at NERV so we pulled Shinji out of school to play with us…" Naoko's comment caused Yui to rip the DVD out of Asuka's hands.

"My poor baby boy!!" She leapt backwards and pointed an accusing finger at the others, "My baby boy has been sexually abused! All of you will not be forgiven! The first one to feel my wrath is… ARA??" Yui opened the DVD case to reveal something she didn't expect.


The pair of Kensuke Aide and Touji Suzuhara doing their best impersonations of pack rats hunting for their precious Kyoko petting zoo surveillance DVD. They made a total mess and didn't care.

"God damn it! That DVD has to be in here!!" Kensuke cursed as he emptied another shelf and started a new one.

"Hey," Touji stopped for a moment, "What you reckon she did with that donkey?"

"What are you?! Retarded?!" His stupid question also earn a DVD to the back of the head, "I'll be first to admit that the red devil is a bitch and a half but her mum has a tight body on her. And you've seen how they get when they drink."

"Yeah but…" Touji seem to be searching for the right words, "I'm not really into animals and stuff… you know…" He copped another DVD to the back of head.

"Stop that!" The school basketball star had enough and threw one back at his friend.

"I'm thinking about the bigger picture," Kensuke replied rubbing the back of his head, "We can sell copies of that DVD to real perverts for a tonne of cash."

"Wow… that's a really good idea…"

"Thanks man!" The bespectacled boy said chuffed about his grand plan.

"Why are you thanking me?" A confused Touji asked.

"You just said that it was a good idea," Aida replied.

"No I didn't," The class jock answered. They stopped searching and slowly looked at each other but it was too late. The shelves on either side slowly began tipping inwards.

"AHHH!!" Screaming like frighten school girls, they grabbed onto each other as weight of the entire surveillance catalogue came tumbling down on them.


It sounded like a giant sequoia had been felled. The noise of the terrible fall was followed but a audible meaty squish. The culprit stood proudly on top of the fallen book shelves like a satisfied lumberjack. She slowly reached into her pocket and produced a canister of lighter fluid. Then proceed to soak the surround area in the flammable liquid.

"That footage will never see the light of day…" Kyoko Sohryu muttered under her breath and pulled a Zippo lighter from her other pocket. The mother accused of inter-species relationships had come out of her stupor and was on a mission to cover up all the evidence that tarnished her good name.

She tossed the Zippo in the middle of the soaked area, then turned her back and calmly walked away. It instantly ignited and slowly began to spread.


"Have you made your decision yet Shinji?" Gohei asked him rather eagerly. It was no surprise that she wanted him to agree to her proposition.

"Eh? You said I could have some time to think about it." He replied almost rattled.

"Well, it has been five minutes," her reply caused his head to drop in defeat. It was clear where Yui got her all of her traits from. Gohei was just more refined in expressing herself.

Luckily for Shinji, the distinct but faint whiff of something burning allowed him to change the subject. He picked his head and looked around. In the distance a column of dark smoke rose up to the high ceiling and was slowly spreading.

"Honestly… Those girls are trouble…" The grandmother didn't have to think at all to know who was responsible for the random destruction. She then reassured her grandchildren.

"Don't worry kids. My library has the state of the art fire suppression system," She announced proudly and then waited for said system to active.

"Yup! It should turn on any time now," Her words weren't backed up with action. There was nothing as the smoke grew thicker.

"Now would be a good time!" She was starting to get impatient and angry now.

"I'm going to check on everyone!" It was a good time for Shinji make his escape, "I'll find them and all meet outside!" His sister and grandmother called out to him but he was already gone.


"Ah… sempai…" Maya sounded slightly concerned as she tapped the shoulder of Ritsuko Akagi. An assortment of scientific journals and textbooks lay open in front of the senior scientist. She was busily take photographs of confidential material with her cell phone.

"What is Maya? Have you finished?" Ritsuko was too absorbed in her act of espionage to really pay attention.

"No. I think you should come see this," The apprentice felt it was urgent enough to drag Ritsuko away from her spy work. She hurried down the aisle until they came to a wall then quickly pointed to her left. Further down the wall something was flickering and releasing electrical sparks. Ritsuko went down to investigate but made sure she stayed a safe distance.

"What the… it's some sort of fire control panel. Looks like someone has taken an axe to it," Deep gouges resembling an edge of an axe had rendered the control panel useless, "Who would do such a thing?"


"Hey, that's weird…" Mana said looking at the empty DVD case that Yui was holding. Shinji's fan club didn't have time to contemplate the missing DVD when one of the shelves slid across the aisle blocking the path. At the same time another shelf behind the group did the same thing. They were all boxed in now.

"Burn! Let it all burn!!" A sinister and evil voice laughed out loud afterwards.

"Ah! Ghosts!" Naoko shrieked. Inanimate objects moving on their own and ghostly cries lead her to only on conclusion. She quickly dropped to her knees and began chanting words of Buddha to excise the evil spirits.

"Does anyone else smell that?" Asuka had ignored the older woman's odd behaviour when she detected the faint whiff of smoke in the air.

"Yeah… I smell that as well. Smoke," Mana agreed. Gradually the smell was too strong to be ignored.

"We are dealing with a really powerful spirit that can manipulate human senses!" Naoko still believed that they were dealing something paranormal, "I need everyone to repeat this chant after me! With everyone's help we should be able to banish it!"

"Hi Shin-chan!!" Misato screamed like a fanatical teenage fangirl. They all looked in the direction that she was waving. On top of the shelves that boxed then all in, the poor boy was bound and gagged. He fought hard against his restraints but it was no use. His capturer stood next to him. The shadowy figure raised an arm holding a fire axe and pointed to the group.

"Burn," she sneered and a wall of flames flared up behind her revealing her face. It was now obvious that they were surrounded by a fierce fire that was quickly spreading.

"Damn it Kyoko!" Yui shouted angrily at her friend, "Did you take this DVD and not return it?!"

It was face plants and sweat drops all around after Yui's irrelevant question. The mother was the only one standing, pointing to the empty DVD case in her hand.

"Baka Yui! You don't understand the situation you are in," angered by the fact that her presences didn't have the effect she wanted, Kyoko decided to use her trump card. She held up the rope expecting Shinji on be on other end but strangely it felt a little light.

"Awww… Did my Shin-chan come and rescue me? That's so sweet!" Misato held the captive boy in her arms like a groom would a bride. She quickly set him down, "Now it's time for your reward…"

A sense of relief washed over Shinji when he felt Misato's hand fiddle with his ropes. But this quickly disappeared when her hands moved from the ropes to his belt buckle and the zipper on his fly.

"Baka Misato! Give him back! I'm not finished!" Kyoko leapt from the top of the shelves to retrieve the boy and get back the upper hand.

"Just give me ten minutes. Then you can be next," Misato quickly straddle the boy. She held him down firmly with one hand and began unbuttoning her blouse with the other.

"What?! Ten minutes?!" Asuka's mother looked at her watch and then relented, "Fine! Just hurry up!"

"Actually it's twenty minutes. You are behind me," Mana Kirishima pointed out the fact that there was a queue for Shinji's services.

"Damn it! There's always a line for these sorts of things!" Kyoko spat but lined up behind the school girl. She then quickly remembered what she was trying to do, "Wait a minute! Why the hell am I waiting!!"

Kyoko impolitely shoved Mana out of the way and went to plant her axe in the back of Misato's head. But before she could perform brain surgery with common garden tool some one got in her way.

"Oh honourable spirit, please forgive us. We didn't mean to anger you," Naoko appeared in front of her friend wearing traditional Shinto priestess robe.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Kyoko screamed at her but it was no use. High priestess Naoko had already began her purification ceremony.

"Weren't you a Buddhist five minutes ago?" Asuka tapped the chanting priest on the shoulder and pointed out the error in her ways.

"Oh blessed child," Naoko responded, "One must be prepared to accept all faiths to see the one true light. Ahem," She finished with putting her hands together like a catholic nun, "Now let us join hands prayer."

"Oh, hello? Is this library information," Everyone attention focused on Yui for a moment. The woman was on her cell phone, "My name is Yui Ikari. Ikari. That's I, K, A, R, I. I am the proud single mother of Shinji and Rei. I'm also Thirty eight years young. Now I demand to talk to the person in charge! You have misplaced a DVD of my baby boy and want to know what happen to it right now!"

"Is she serious?" Mana asked anyone willing to listen or answer.

"She's a baka…" Asuka sighed.

"Yeah who the hell gives a self introduction when on the phone?" The older Sohryu woman had forgot that she was trying to destroy any evidence that linked her to the petting zoo blacklisting again.

"Yes, I'll hold," Yui began pacing back and forth impatiently. She didn't have to wait long until she was put through, "Hello?! Are you in charge?! Now you listen here… Hang on?! Mother?!"

"GASP!!" Shinji had just managed to shift the gag from his mouth, "This that grandma?! Quick, let me talk to her!" He demanded and Yui obliged. She knelt down next to him and held the handset close to his face.

"Hey! I'm not done yet!" Misato was upset that someone was interrupting her personal time with her favorite male.

"Gran! Fire! Bad! Get out!" His mouth couldn't work as fast as his brain wanted. Coupled with the fact that he was being molested at the same time, his speech was all jumbled.

(You've kinda rang at a bad time Shinji. I'm just in the middle of introducing Rei to the SEELE Committee. If it's alright, can I call you back in about ten minutes) her reply was something he didn't expect.

"We're trapped inside a burning building and you're telling me it's a bad time to call!!" Shinji scream back in disbelief then switch back to his normal voice, "What the hell is a SEELE Committee?"

"Oh, it's like an oversight committee which act as a think tank for the decisions that the head of the family makes. You ran off so quickly, I didn't get a chance to explain everything to you," She explained casually, "But don't your sister is here and she's getting along with everyone."

"I don't understand a thing you are saying…" he said crying in frustration.

(Oh, Rei wants to talk to you. Hang on a second.) There was a pause as the Gohei handed over her cell phone.

(Brother.) she said stoically.

"Rei! Thank God! Someone with some sense! Listen…" He was quickly interrupted by his twin sister.

(The committee has asked for a decision on the crisis occurring in the Atlantic)


(Understood. I'll inform them of your decision. Take care) She handled back the phone to her grandmother.

(I'm so proud! My grandson made his very first decision concerning the fate of mankind! Anyway, we'll take care of things with SEELE for now. You just enjoy yourself. Bai-bai!) Before he could shout another word of protest, the engaged tone was ringing back at him.

"HEY! Where the hell is my DVD?!" Not satisfied that her answer went unanswered, Yui violently threw her cell phone onto the ground. It smashed into a thousand pieces and along with it was Shinji's only connection with the outside world and help.

"Why did you do that?!" he cried at his mother's moment of rage.

"Oh I'm so sorree…" Yui picked him up and hugged him, "Mummy got angry and that must have been wery scary. But mummy's not mad at you."

"Let. Me. Go." He quietly demanded trying to restrain his own anger from spilling over. She complied and just as his feet hit touch the floor a weaken section of the ceiling broke apart and fell.

"BAKA! / Shinji!" both Mana and Asuka saw the debris falling and was going hit Shinji. They both dove forward and crash tackled him to safety.

"Eh?!" was the last thing heard from Yui before she was buried under the burning rubble.


"HAHAHA!! SUX IN!! IN YOUR FACE BITCH!!" Kyoko Sohryu danced and gloated at her friend's fiery demise. She had toiled hard for some revenge and it had finally come. Unfortunately, she was too busy celebrating to realize the bookshelf behind her was coming down on top of her


The second failure in building structural integrity had silenced her annoying celebratory cries. But out of the flames walked a shadowy figure which indicated that the shelf was push over to make room. When mystery visitor cleared the flames, it become apparent that it was someone in a reflective fire proof suit.

"Don't panic! I have everything under control," The only remaining half sensible adult stepped forward and took control of the situation. Naoko Akagi had undergone another cosplay change and was know sporting beige overalls lugging around what appeared to be a proton pack.

"COME GET SOME!!" She flicked the switch on the nuclear accelerator machine and it let out a sci-fi buzz. Without any warning she fired. A solid beam shot out of the end of the weapon. The kickback was too much for Naoko to handle and she quickly lost control and was randomly blasting everything in within range.

"Holy crap! That thing is real?!" Shinji screamed in shock at the fully functioning proton pack.

"HOLY CRAP! THIS THING IS REAL!!" Wannabe ghost-buster Naoko screamed back.

"Don't cross the streams!" Mana had seen the movie and remembered the helpful hint.

The person in the fireproof suit stood dumbfounded for a moment at the Naoko's stupidity but quickly remembered that they were inside a burning building.

"What are you doing?!" a muffled voice from inside the helmet. Everyone stared at their own reflection in the visor.

"Oh my God! We're filthy!" Misato, Asuka and Mana all exclaim at all the soot their faces had collected. All three quickly began wiping their faces clean. Unfortunately the person decided to take off their helmet.

"I sometimes wonder why I bother helping any of you," Ritsuko revealed herself as the person inside the fire suit.

"Ritsu-chan?!" Naoko asked while still trying to control her proton pack, "What are you doing here? You don't happen to know how you turn this thing off?"

"What the hell…" Her mother was still trying to fight the radioactive stream and Ritsuko thought it better to just ignore it. She quickly knelt down and pressed down on a floor tile which revealed a secret panel with a key pad. The fire proof woman quickly entered in the code and a hatch in the floor opened.

"Quickly! This whole place is coming down!" She hurried Misato and the children into the hatch. She didn't even glance back at her mother before entering and closing the hatch.

"Wait! What about my mother and the others?!" Shinji asked with a slight panic in his voice.

"It's too late for them. We must hurry!" Ritsuko tried to push everyone down the dimly lit stairs.


Loud banging came from above, "Hello! Can you let me in please?!" It was followed up by Naoko's voice.

"You see it's too late for them," Ritsuko blocked the way back out.

"Come on Shin-chan," Misato used the opportunity to grab the boy by the hand and begin leading downwards. Asuka was to be out done and quickly grabbed his other hand. The two female glared are each other for a moment then both started racing down the stairs.

"Wait for me!" Mana didn't want to be left out and quickly jumped on to Shinji's back. Her leap caused him to loose balance and trip. This set off a chain reaction and all four people began tumbling downwards into the unknown darkness.


Might try something different with an omake of sorts. This was inspired by the Chuck Norris facts site so they may contain mature subjects or subjects that may offend.

Gohei Ikari is so rich she pays the salaries of God, Buddha, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy
One Yui Ikari wooden spoon attack is the equivalent of 78457 Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks
Gendou Ikari donates blood with a bucket and handgun
Rei Ikari uses cyanide capsules as sleeping tables
Shinji Ikari can only wear kryptonite condoms
Misato Katsuragi doesn't believe in condoms
Kyoko Sohryu only found out recently that she is allergic to donkey hair
Asuka Langley Sohryu has a chromosome called Baka Shinji Slap
Naoko Akagi's favourite cosplay is the flying pig from Porco Rosso
Ritsuko Akagi first staring role was the evil nurse in Bible Black before Everyday
Maya Ibuki underwent a breast reduction procedure for her role in Everyday
Kouzou Fuyutsuki has denied reports that he was arrested in a park, naked with a bottle of hot sauce and a rubber chiken
Ryoji Kaji maintains his unshaven look with a Lady Remington
Mana Kirishima has a chromosome called Red Devil Slap
Hikari Horaki has not touched any alcohol in 147 days
Kensuke Aide has the world's largest Barbie doll collection
Touji Suzuhara has the world's largest Ken doll collection
Kaworu Nagisa has a court order stating he can't come within 400m of any public bathhouse
Pen-pen has slept with more women than Gene Simmons and Wilt Chamberlin combined

Very late update and a very late sorry…