Okay kids, I did it...I wasn't going to do it, but there were requests for it, so I tried to do it and then I realised I had no idea HOW to do it...so it took me a while to do it...uh, if you haven't guessed by now 'it' is this story...I had so much trouble with this one, worked on it for quite a while, but I have finally finished it! And that's all! No more in this series! I think my head will explode if I do another one hehe. So, this one may not be as funny as the first two, but I did try hard...and to those people telling me to update quicker on everything else, please do take into consideration that I have 8 assignments due in the next 3 weeks..a bit of leniency please...but I will try! So please read and review and I love you all!
I do not own friends/actors/characters, but I do own the urge to throw my textbooks out the window and say 'the hell with it!'...but that isnt gonna happen, cause I dont wanna fail:( damn me and my ways!
"Do you want a piece of me buddy? Do you? Do you!"
"I think I do!"
"Is that so?"
"Yes, I think it is!"
"Guys, guys, guys!" Chandler stepped in between the squabbling two, waving his arms in the air. "Please, stop the trash talk…it's inhumane."
"Well, it's a good thing that we are both animals then, King Chandler," Mr Ed said, never once taking his eyes off of Bambi, a sneer covering his face.
"Okay, it's not inhumane, it's just plain embarrassing."
"You're right," Bambi said after a beat, taking a step back. Chandler breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thankyou…now, what was all that about?"
"Well King Chandler, Mr Idiot here-"
"The name's Ed, bucko," Mr Ed piped up. Bambi rolled his eyes.
"'Sorry'," he muttered, making quotation marks in the air. Mr Ed started forward once more, but was stopped by Chandler resting his hand on the horse's chest. "Anyway, Mr Ed here was insisting that it was called Lovestick, when we all know by now that we are not to defy our King by calling it that."
"You're damn straight you're not," Chandler snapped, giving Mr Ed an evil look. The horse shifted uncomfortably. "We all know that now, don't we Rachel?"
"We do," Rachel agreed, stepping up next to Chandler. "It took quite a few spankings for me to realise that, but I now know that Lovestick is not an option."
"She's a good girl."
"No, I'm a bad girl," Rachel growled. Chandler growled back, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"She's a bad girl."
"So very, very bad."
"I think I'm gonna vomit," Bambi announced, watching the two with barely concealed disgust. Chandler and Rachel rolled their eyes.
"You know Bambi…I think that Mr Ed needs to be punished for not following his king…wouldn't you agree?"
"Please! I would crush you!" Mr Ed exclaimed. Bambi let out an obnoxious laugh.
"With those teeth? Whatever fly boy!"
"Fly boy? I'll show you fly boy!"
Chandler and Rachel watched in amusement as the two animals leapt at one another, angry words flying as quickly as hooves.
"I think we're gonna find out the answer to our question," Rachel mused after a moment.
"Whether Bambi could kick Mr Ed's ass."
"Oh yes…but you know what? That doesn't really matter to me anymore…wanna go to the barn?"
"And then maybe the rooftop?" Rachel asked excitedly.
"Naturally! And if you're lucky…the shower."
"You baaad, baaad, boy you-
"Bad to the bon…wha?" Chandler opened his eyes, blearily staring into darkness. Panicking for a moment, he calmed when he realised he was underneath his bed covers. Letting out a groan, Chandler pushed the covers back, letting out a long breath as he fought to contain his stomach. He frowned as he noticed his head was at the foot of the bed, and that he was naked. Attempting to sit up, Chandler groaned once more, pain splitting his head.
"Who said that?"
"Ah!" Chandler yelped in surprise at the sudden voice, panicked as it was. Staring at the lump underneath the covers, Chandler searched his mind for answers. Who had he hooked up with last night? The last thing he could remember was drinking a lot of coffee as he and Rachel tried to write their…
"Chandler?" Rachel shot up in bed, regretting it instantly. "Oh my god." A hand went to her mouth as she fought to keep any and everything down. When she felt she had succeeded, she looked at Chandler. "What are you doing in my bed?"
"Your bed? I think you should have another look around young lady!"
"Don't call me that! You know how much I hate that!"
"Probably not as much as I do! Trust me, it does not sound good coming from a cross dressing father's mouth!"
"I thought that was a joke!"
"The majority of the things I say are real!"
"Oh my god…you poor poor thing!"
"Pity time over, look around!"
"Stop yelling! It hurts!"
"If it hurts so much, then you stop it too!"
"You're still yelling!"
"So are you!"
"Where are we?"
Chandler rolled his eyes. "Rachel, please don't tell me you are really that stupid that you don't recognise my bedroom?"
"Why are we in your bedroom….and why am I not wearing any clothes…in your bed…with you in it…and why is your lamp broken?"
Chandler and Rachel both stared stupidly at the broken lamp. "Must have been a rough night."
"What do you mean a rough night?" Rachel shrieked. Chandler rolled his eyes once more.
"Rachel, please don't tell me you are really that stupid that-"
"Don't say that again!"
"I'm just saying, it's pretty sad if you cant put two and two together…I think I remember your foot flying up and kicking the lamp…I don't know, that image is just sticking in my mind…it could have been my foot, but I don't think my feet are that pretty-"
"Why are you talking?" Rachel yelled, the twosome both wincing at the loud noise. "Wait…you think I have pretty feet?"
"Maybe…does it matter?"
"No…but it's nice to hear that…okay, getting off track here! So, we slept together?"
"Confucius says yes."
"I don't know, I'm too hung over!"
"And you think I'm not?"
"I am sure that I drank more then you last night!"
"Oh, and why is that?"
"Because my head hurts more then yours!"
"How would you know what my head feels like?"
"I don't really care what your head feels like! All I know is that no one could hurt as much as I do right now!"
"Oh!" Rachel exclaimed in disgust. "Men! I can't believe I ever slept with you…or…or wrote the story with you…or…or slept with you…or…or dreamt about you in that way….or…or-"
"Are ya done?"
"No! Wait…yes! Yes I'm done! With you I mean, now get out!"
"Oh no, you can't kick me out, this is my room sister!"
Rachel glared at him for a minute, then stood up in a huff, the covers still wrapped around her.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Chandler exclaimed, grabbing the covers as they began to slide off of him.
"Then put some clothes on!"
"Why don't you?"
"Because I'm going back to sleep!"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Fine, then turn around."
"I don't wanna," Chandler said childishly, smirking at her.
"Oh, you are such a jerk!"
"Hey, I've already seen it Rach…on more then one occasion apparently."
Rachel flushed as she remembered the 'boobies' incident, then brightened, a thought entering her mind. "That is true…you know what else is true?"
"I never got to see your thing…" with that said, Rachel started to pull the covers once more. Chandler's eyes widened, his hands tightening on the fabric, fighting her all the way.
They kept up their little game for a while, before Rachel finally gave in, collapsing on the bed in exhaustion. "Oh, it's not even worth the trouble."
"How do you know? You haven't seen it!"
"Well, obviously I have…I mean, if we had sex last night, then I must have seen it, right?"
Rachel stared at Chandler for a while, taking in just how adorable he looked and wishing she could remember sleeping with him. Shaking those thoughts out of her head, she let out a long groan. "Oh…crappiest feeling ever…I need to sleep for a year."
"I'm gonna stay here for a while, unless you have any problem with that?"
"I thought you were pissed at me?"
"I am, but I'm too tired and sick and sore to even care at the moment."
They were silent for a while; Chandler still at the foot of the bed, Rachel sprawled pathetically next to him, her leg lying on top of his. Taking a peek, Chandler couldn't help but notice the smooth skin that was uncovered; her back and arms. He cleared his throat, averting his eyes. Rachel let out a sigh, rolling over slightly, her leg moving against his. Chandler swallowed nervously, thinking about anything but Rachel lying next to him. Salami. Drapes. Monica and Ross doing it. He grimaced at the last thought, disgusted with himself at even considering it.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Not you," Chandler responded automatically, then realising how nasty he had sounded. "I mean…well, not you…but in a nice way."
"Why do you think we did it?"
"We were drunk."
"Not drunk…hammered. No, there has to be a better word then that."
"There it is."
"So, you think that's why?"
Chandler bit his lip, then rolled over to face her properly. "Well, add the fact that we have been writing about nothing but sex for the last couple of days…I'd say that we were probably pretty horny."
"True…do you think we re-enacted anything?"
"I hope so." Rachel raised her eyebrows at him, to which Chandler responded by nervously clearing his throat. "I mean…yeah, maybe we did."
"Maybe the barn scene…man, that would have been hot."
"Even with me?"
Rachel let out a laugh. "Possibly…you look cute in the morning."
"I think you're still liquored up."
"No, seriously! You look so cute!"
"Rach, I'm hung over, unshowered or shaved, and probably smell like a brewery."
Rachel leaned forward and smelt him, grimacing. "You're right about that…but still." Chandler smiled, embarrassed. "Well?"
"I gave you a compliment; it's time for you to do the same."
"Oh…you also smell like a brewery."
"That isn't a compliment Chandler!"
"Give me a minute, jeez! I'm not finished…you smell like a brewery, but it works on you…and you look very cute wrapped in my covers."
"In fact, I'd dare say you look cuter in my bed covers than any other girl that's been wrapped in there."
"Oh really…wait, are we flirting?"
"That's dangerous territory Mr Bing."
"As opposed to having drunken sex?"
"Good point…why are we flirting?"
"Because of the drunken sex?"
"Why did we have drunken sex?"
"Because we were drunk?"
"Do you think there was more to it then that?"
"There is a high chance."
"Are you gonna kiss me any time soon?"
"There is a high chance."
"But we do stink."
"Ah, who cares? We smell as bad as one another."
Chandler grinned at Rachel's comment, then leaned forward and captured her lips, pulling her closer. She smiled beneath his mouth, and then pulled away. "You also taste like a brewery."
"What are we doing?"
"I don't know…you started it."
"I did not!"
"'Are you going to kiss me any time soon?' How is that not starting it?"
"I…I don't know what you are talking about," Rachel muttered. Chandler grinned.
"You started it…you want me."
"I so do not!"
"You so do! Admit it! You want me!"
"Yeah, so? It's not like you don't want me!"
"We're as bad as each other!"
"Well, I'm glad we have that sorted out! Now, can we go and act out the shower scene?"
"I knew you were a bad girl," Chandler growled. Rachel raised an eyebrow suggestively.
"Honey…you ain't seen nothing yet."
"Interesting…wait, what about Ross?"
"Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him Chandler."
I mean, he can join us if you really want him there, but I've been down that road Chandler, and I'd prefer to do this with only you."
"No! I mean, how's he gonna react?" Chandler exclaimed. Rachel paused.
"Well…I'd say he will be a bit green…but he'll get over it…it's not like I'm his to keep! I mean, it's been over a year since we broke up, for crying out loud!"
"He can be Mr Green," Chandler said after a beat.
"That sounds familiar…"
"I know…eh, anyway, shall we go?"
He walked inside, wrench in his hand.
"Hey, I like, heard something of yours was broken, I'm here to fix it."
"Oh my, that is a big wrench!" she exclaimed.
"You should see me use it." He walked forward, singing along to a wordless song.
"What the feck are you singing?"
"The classic porn theme, duh!"
"Cause of the sex that it about to take place on top of your fish tank."
"What makes you think we're gonna have sex?"
"Because that's what we're here for! We're fictional characters in a porno lady! This isn't a thriller, we're gonna get down and diggity!"
"Oh! Okay then! Hop on!"
He humped her brains out, bam, bam, bam and so on and so forth.
"Shazaam!" he screamed at the end of all things.
"You're no where near as good as Bugs Bunny," she scoffed, lighting her pipe-
"What the hell is going on in this story?" Monica cried.
"I dunno, but I wanna hear more about Bugs Bunny!" Phoebe exclaimed.
"Do you think I should get a wrench?" Joey wondered. Monica stared at the both of them for a second, then glanced back at the screen.
"I think Rach wrote this…"
"Why would you say that?"
"Well, because Chandler obviously wrote the King Chandler scene, and that stopped making sense a very long time ago, but this part almost makes sense."
"Your point being?"
"Unless Chandler sobered up, I don't think he would have been able to write this!"
"Uh huh…and why do you think they were drunk?"
Monica stared at Phoebe once more, then gestured wildly around the room. "Look at all the alcohol!"
"That doesn't prove anything!"
Chandler's door opened, causing the threesome to instantly look over. Rachel walked out in nothing but a sheet, then let out a gasp. Chandler followed in his bathrobe.
"H-Hey guys!" Rachel said, glancing at Chandler in barely concealed panic. Phoebe let out a gasp.
"You two had sex!"
"No we didn't!"
"Oh, you so did!"
"Oh man, I was so hoping this would be the way everyone found out!" Chandler said sarcastically, as the two shuffled over.
"Dude! Score!" Joey held up his hand.
"I can't believe you two slept together!" Monica hissed. "And you guys stink!"
"Hey! You try drinking that much, and then breaking lamps…and…"
"So, how did this happen? Did you lure her to your den?" Phoebe asked after a beat.
"I don't really…know…I must have wooed her some way…"
"Wooed?" Monica said after a beat. Chandler's eyes widened.
"I so did not say that! That did not happen!"
"Whatever happened, it's all good, I say!" Rachel said happily.
"Wait…shouldn't you guys be throwing up right now?"
"Hey! I know you don't think that much of him Pheebs, but Chandler is not so repellent that I would be sick about it!"
"First of all thanks…second of all, I think she meant from the alcohol," Chandler muttered. Rachel paused.
"Oh…I don't think you're repellent at all…I think you are as cute as a fuzzy little bear!" she squeezed his cheek affectionately.
"Okay, that's gonna stop." The door opened and they all looked up.
"Hey guys, I just…" Ross trailed off, taking in Rachel and Chandler's appearances and the fact that Rachel was still squeezing his cheek. "Uh…"
"Yeah, this is so not what it looks like…I actually was the one to sleep with Chandler, not Rachel!" Phoebe exclaimed as Rachel let Chandler's cheek go, a visible wince coming from him.
"Good save," Chandler said dryly.
"You two…you two slept together?"
"A little, yeah."
Ross nodded, then took a step forward, gesturing to Chandler. "Come here."
Chandler made a dive for the door, Ross racing after him. Rachel rolled her eyes, and quickly made her way after them.
"Oh, I'm so not feeling right for this!"
"I'll make you feel right!"
"Ross, for crying out loud, we broke up a year ago!"
"No Rach! I'll handle this! You go back and get the shower ready!" Chandler called. Rachel stopped in the hallway and grinned. "I'll be back in a minute! Oh, and don't forget the plunger!"
Her grin grew wider as she paused for a moment to giggle. The remaining three watched as she shuffled underneath the sink for a moment, then made her way over to the bathroom, plunger in hand.
"Plunger?" Phoebe and Joey exclaimed as the door shut. They glanced at one another then turned their attention to the computer. Phoebe quickly found the shower scene and the three read through it.
"Oh my!" Phoebe covered her mouth, blushing slightly.
"My boy's all grown up!" Monica stared at Joey for a minute, then glared over at the closed bathroom door, muttering under her breath.