Author's Note: You know, I wrote this, and then I asked myself…Why? Anyway, this is just for fun, so if you don't like it, bite me! If, however, you loved it, please tell all your friends and be sure to review it so I'll know. My ego is fragile like that, and needs pumping up. In either case, be sure to look at my other fanfics. They are so different from this one that it will shock you.
The host of this program is in no way representative of me, in spite of the fact that we share the same name.
Audience: S-Michael! S-Michael! S-Michael!
S-Michael: Hello, and welcome to The S-Michael Show. I am your host, S-Michael. On today's show we have Some very special guests from the anime hit, InuYasha. Please introduce yourselves.
Kagome: I'm Kagome, an average Japanese school girl who goes back in time to fight demons.
S-Michael: That's average?
Kagome: Well, no I suppose not.
Sango: I'm Sango, a demon slayer questing to kill Naraku and avenge my family.
S-Michael: I understand that there used to be a number of you.
Sango: An entire village.
S-Michael: What happened?
Sango: Demons killed us.
S-Michael: I see.
InuYasha: Hey! Shouldn't you have known that? It's pretty basic information!
S-Michael: If you'll introduce yourself to the audience?…
InuYasha: Oh, um, my name is InuYasha, I'm a hanyou from feudal Japan. I'm searching for Shikon Jewel shards, and also to kill Naraku. Now as I was saying --
S-Michael: Hmm, I'm beginning to see a pattern forming.
InuYasha: Alright, there is no way you could possibly not know that if you have ever seen the show, --
S-Michael: Moving on. And you are?
Miroku: I, Miroku, am a most reputable monk, as pure as they come.
Kagome: Aside from the fact that he lies, cheats, steals, and gropes women.
S-Michael: Is this true?
Everyone else on-stage: YES!
S-Michael (picks Shippo up by the tail): Look at this little guy! Isn't he cute?
Shippo (flailing frantically): Put me down, you big dumb clod!
S-Micheal drops Shippo on the ground, advances towards the next guest: And you are?
Sesshoumaru: Wondering why I ever agreed to appear on this show.
Audience: Boo! Boo! Boo!
S-Michael: I must ask you not to upset our audience. They're very feral, and we don't let them out as much as we should.
Sesshoumaru: Like I'm afraid of a bunch of milk-pale humans?
S-Michael: Look just give us your name so that I can move on to the next guest, okay?
Sesshoumaru: Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Western Lands. Now move along.
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Sesshoumaru: Bring it on, you beep!
S-Michael: Moving on.
Kagura: Yeah, um, I'm Kagura, and, um…(whispers) Those people are freaking me out.
S-Michael: The audience?
InuYasha: This, from someone who raises corpses for fun! Not that I blame you.
Audience: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
S-Michael: Calm down, Audience! Don't make use bring out the tasers!
Kagome: Um, can you even do that?
S-Michael: Sure. Jerry Springer does it all the time.
Sesshoumaru: Where's Jakken and Rin?
S-Michael: How did you know that they were going to be on the program?
Sesshoumaru: Kagome drove all of us to the studio.
S-Michael: All of you?
Sesshoumaru: Except for Kagura. She flew on her feather.
S-Michael. Well, there goes my surprise guests!
Kagura: Some of them flew with me on my feather, and I don't think that the others saw them.
S-Michael: Well, thank God for that! Because, really, this show is going nowhere without surprise guests. Hey, wait a second. Kagome, are you even old enough to drive?
Kagome (gives S-Michael a look that says he's being an idiot): I'm the only one here who even knows what a car is.
S-Michael: A point. Bring out Rin and Jakken, why not?
(Rin and Jakken enter stage right, sit on the floor to either side of Sesshoumaru.)
Rin: I saw Kohaku back there!
S-Michael (glares at Rin): Well, tell the whole world, why don't you? Yes, Kohaku, come on out, but no more talking about people you met back stage! For the love of God, people, I need those surprise guests! They're the lifeblood of this show!
(Kohaku enters stage left.)
Sango (gesturing to chair next to her): You can sit here, Kohaku.
(Kagura grabs Kohaku and sits him on her lap.)
S-Michael: Wait. Isn't he, like, twelve?
Kagura: Yeah, but living under Naraku's thumb, it's not like we get out much.
S-Michael: It was Cabin fever, then?
Kagura: Mixed with that feeling that soldiers get, you know, we'll most likely die tomorrow so you might as well live today.
S-Michael: Yeah, but…
Kagura: Look, every other human being or demon I know is either related to me or someone I try to kill on a regular basis My options are limited.
S-Michael: I see.
(S-Michael walks over to Sango, who is glaring at Kagura venomously.)
S-Michael: So, what's the story here? Don't tell me you want him, too!
Sango (punches S-Michael out): He's my brother, you sick beep-ing beep!
S-Michael (getting off of the floor): So sorry. (Walks back over to Kagura and Kohaku.) So, Kohaku, what do you think of Kagura?
Kohaku (nuzzling his face into her neck): Warm. (Kagura squeezes Kohaku as close to her body as humanly possible.)
Kagura: Those people seriously are freaking me out. I'm warning you, I'm not responsible if I end up killing some of them.
Miroku: Should you really be saying that…you know, in front of them?
S-Michael: Oh, don't worry. They have no feelings of personal human value or worth. Watch. (Takes out a taser and zaps random audience member. The rest do not react.)
Kagome: You do realize that you're going to Hell, right?
S-Michael: Oh, I was going there before this evening, trust me.
Kagome: Just thought you should know.
S-Michael: Thanks, anyway.
InuYasha: Aren't you going to, like ask us questions and stuff?
S-Michael (rolls his eyes): No. Haven't you ever seen a talk show? I bring you on, hopefully you guys duke it out for a while, and then when it calms down a bit, I mix things up by throwing in a "secret guest." If all goes well, this makes for a half hour when commercials are added in.
Sesshoumaru: On the show, when things get slow, we just have me come in demanding the Tetsusuiga. It's pretty much the same principle.
Kagome: Will it help things out if I "sit" him.
S-Michael: " 'Sit' him?"
Kagome: Oh, yeah, it's great for a laugh.
InuYasha: You really haven't seen the show ever, have you? Go ahead, Kagome.
(InuYasha is sat.)
S-Michael: That was funny!
InuYasha: Why do I keep letting her do that to me?
Miroku: Maybe you enjoy it, like I enjoy Sango slapping the beep out of me. (Miroku grabs Sango's butt, gets slapped. Hard.)
Sango: I love you too, Miroku-darling.
InuYasha (in new chair): I feel so dirty.
Kagome: Must be something on the floor.
S-Michael: Oh, um, we only let the audience out to use the bathroom every six hours.
InuYasha: That's sick!
(Naraku enters stage right.)
Naraku: What kind of evil beep are you?
S-Michael: Get back backstage! We're not ready for you yet!
(Naraku exits stage right.)
S-Michael: beep, that's supposed to be soundproof. Alright, everyone, pretend that that didn't happen.
Inuyasha: I need a change of clothes. And shoes.
Kagome: And I need to see a priest.
Miroku: I'm a monk.
Kagome: Someone else.
Sesshoumaru (gestures at Kagura and Kohaku, who continue to be cuddly with each other): Is anyone else disturbed by the idea that these two might start making out any minute now?
S-Michael: Don't worry, it would just be a blur if they do.
S-Michael: Oh, yeah. Didn't you notice that every time one of you swears, it's replaced with a beep?
Kagome: Yeah. I just didn't know I was supposed to.
InuYasha: I always thought that that was added in after the fact for whatever beep reason it is that you future people do these things.
S-Michael: Amateurs. Nope, it's a part of the studio.
Sango: Alright, how on Earth does that even work?
S-Michael: No one knows, but it does.
Sesshoumaru: This is all ridiculous!
(Audience boos him.)
Sesshoumaru: I'd like to see you bunch of beep beep beep beep try something! You beep beep beep! Get a life, every one of you!
S-Michael: Well, I'm out of good ideas, so Naraku, come on out!
(Naraku enters stage left, holding a baby.)
S-Michael: Weren't you just stage right?
Naraku: Yeah, but I decided to raid your fridge.
S-Michael (narrows his eyes): You machiavellian bastard.
Naraku (shrugs): I'm the villain. It's what I do.
(Naraku sits down next to Kagura, Kagura gets up and moves down to the last free chair -- which puts her next to Sango.)
S-Michael: Wow, you didn't even have to put Kohaku down to do that.
Kagura: Demons have superhuman strength.
S-Michael :So, a take it that there's a bit of animosity between you and your boss?
Kagura: Have you ever even seen the show?
S-Michael: Moving on. Hey, Naraku, I see that you've brought a baby with you on stage. Who's the mother?
Naraku: I am. Sesshoumaru's the father.
Sesshoumaru: WHAT! NO! How is that even possible?
Sesshoumaru: That's your baby and yours alone.
(Audience boos louder.)
Sesshoumaru: What? It's what he does! He reproduces asexually!
Kagura: I'm not sure that these people know what that means.
Kohaku: Worse: I think they heard the "sexually" part and assumed from there.
Miroku: Sango? Are you alright?
Sango: Aside from being filled with homicidal tendencies towards this woman? Fine.
Miroku: Well, don't attack her just yet.
Sango: Why not? Why the beep not? The beep is molesting my brother! Give me one reason!
Miroku: She has a hostage.
S-Michael: Don't let that stop you. A good catfight will do wonders for ratings.
(Sango punches S-Michael in the nose. Audience boos.)
Sesshoumaru: That's it! I've had ENOUGH of these people! (draws sword and slices it, resulting wave of energy kills most of the audience.) Hey…wha…but, I used the Tenseiga!
Naraku: Maybe it felt pity for them.
Kagura: Don't beat yourself up about it. Or about your baby with Naraku. How the beep did that happen, by the way?
InuYasha: Yeah, I mean, Sess, I never thought I'd have to say this to you, but you can DO better.
Naraku: What happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun.
Shippo: When were you ever in Cancun? Honestly, this story gets more inconsistent by the sentence.
InuYasha: Hey, Shippo, where have you been?
Shippo: Struggling for my life against this floor. Hey, what happened to the audience?
InuYasha: You didn't see?
Shippo: I heard you people talking about it, but quite honestly, they don't look all that different to me.
Kagura: That's because a large number of them are dead.
Shippo: Oh my gods.
S-Michael: Don't worry, we're insured, just in case of such a thing.
Naraku: Man, you are evil! You beep evil beep!
S-Michael: Well, things are slowing down again, so lets bring out our final guest, Kouga!
(Kouga enters stage right.)
Kouga: Hey, everyone! Um, why does it smell like dead and decaying human corpses in here?
Kagome: Sesshoumaru just killed a lot of people.
Kouga: No, this place smells like bodies that have been decaying a good long time.
InuYasha: I think you're giving this place too much credit. It smells like Hell itself.
Naraku (to S-Michael): Have I mentioned that you're evil?
S-Michael: And now the commercial. Stay tuned.
S-Michael: We're back.
InuYasha: What the beep was that all about?
S-Michael: Our writers went to bed. We keep them up until 5AM and longer if we can, but eventually they collapse, and we can't force them to continue.
Naraku: That is evil, AND stupid. The writers are people who you don't want to piss off.
Kagome: Wait. I thought that this was an actual talk show.
S-Michael: Look at the teleprompter. What do you mean, Naraku?
Naraku: The writers decides everything that happens to you, whether you liver or die, even. You don't want to piss them off.
Kagome: Well, I'll be. Everything we're saying, right now. Hey, are you sure that you spelled "Shippo" right.
S-Michael: I've been given to understand that there are a number of ways to translate his name.
Kagome: Which reminds me, Why are we speaking English?
Naraku: I mean, how do you think I have survived so long, with all the times I've fought InuYasha and Sesshoumaru?
S-Michael: We're speaking English because the writers don't speak Japanese.
Kagome: But I don't speak English!
Sesshoumaru: Is it because you flee like a coward every time you're on the verge of death?
Naraku: No. It's because the writers love me. I'm nice to them, get them gifts and such.
S-Michael: Well, you're speaking English right now.
Kouga: So, Sesshoumaru, how have you lasted as long as you have without being killed by some random falling object or something?
Sesshoumaru: I'm just that powerful.
Naraku: Someone's niece has a crush on him.
Jakken: Everyone's niece has a crush on him.
S-Michael: Oh my God! You can talk?
(Jakken glares at S-Michael evilly.)
Naraku: Seriously, you should be careful of how you treat writers. If they want, they can make a beam fall from the ceiling and land on your head, killing you instantly. Hint, hint!
(A rift in space-time opens, and emerges a man with curly brunet hair and hazel eyes, wearing blue jeans and an orange novelty t-shirt.)
S-Michael: Who are you?
Writer: I AM THE WRITER, AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT NARAKU IS RIGHT. I DO NOT NEED TO DEAL WITH YOU ANY LONGER.
S-Michael: Oh, yeah? (whips out taser.)
Writer: IT IS NOW A ROTTEN FISH.
S-Michael: Quick! Someone, give me your sword!
Writer: NO ONE LENDS YOU THEIR SWORD.
InuYasha: Sorry, you heard the man.
Writer: DEMONS FROM HELL DRAG YOU AWAY.
Naraku: Well, he's dead. Now what?
Writer: Idunno. Hey, I have an idea. RIN, JAKKEN, SHIPPO AND KOHAKU GO BACK STAGE. EVERYONE ELSE HAS GIANT ORGY.
Natasha (partially undressed): We'll be back after the break.
Sorry, that's it. Fin.