Disclaimer: I own nothing
AN: This for Fallen Archangel Ben who should be posting his first Fan fiction today. Also this is based partlyon my misadventures as a tour guide at a Civil War Prison camp
"I don't wanna go on a ghost walk" Hot Shot whined.
"Tough. We're going" Optimus said annoyed. The humans were giving him weird looks and the screams coming from the woods were giving him a headache. The last thing he needed was Hot Shot's whining.
"I think it'll be fun", Sideswipe said.
"Who cares what you think, you little-"
"What was that?" Blurr asked glaring at Hot Shot.
"I thought so," Blurr said putting his arm around Sideswipe.
"So where's our guide?" Hot Shot asked.
Suddenly a boy with a lantern appeared out of nowhere.
"Ahh! Take them I 'm to young to die!" Hot Shot yelled hiding behind Sideswipe and Blurr.
"Bro, I'm younger than you, remember?" Sideswipe told him, confused.
"Rad, you know you're not suppose to use your powers in public" Optimus admonished the lantern-bearing boy.
"Rad?" Hot Shot looked down at the glaring boy.
"I suppose to be a ghostly tour guide, so I'm allowed to teleport" Rad said.
"You're our tour guide?" Sideswipe asked.
"Shouldn't you be in costume or something?" Hot Shot asked.
"They ran out of costumes, so I'm recently deceased"
"How recently deceased?"
"Five seconds ago when all the other tour guides refused to take you" Rad said pointing at the group of guides who were cowering in terror.
"Let's get this over with" Rad sighed as he started walking.
"What's that light up ahead?" Hot Shot asked after a few minutes of walking.
"The fires of hell" Rad muttered.
"I don't know. Why don't you walk into it" Rad said, still sarcastic.
"Ok" Hot Shot said running toward the light.
"Don't go into the light!" A voice cried from the darkness.
"Too late" Rad said tonelessly.
"A few crabs short of bushel, that one is" the owner of the voice said coming into view. "Hello" the man said to the group. "Who's this cute little thing?" he asked looking at Sideswipe. At Blurr's growl the man backed off. "Uhh… watch out for those sentries!" He warned before disappearing into the night.
"Shouldn't Hot Shot be back by now?" Optimus asked.
"He's probably sleeping with the fishes", Rad said.
"But I don't want to live under the sea" Hot Shot whined in the beautiful under water world, complete with frolicing dolphins, mermaids, and those trumpet fish from the "Little Mermaid".
"You wanna burn good?" Ben asked.
"THEN YOU STAY!" the bat yelled from inside his air bubble.
Back to the (cue Gilligan's Island theme song) Three Hour Tour…
"What did that guy mean by sentries?" Blurr asked.
"Do you really want to know?"
"If I start running and somebody's yelling about stolen whiskey, run. Ok?"
"Just do it", Rad said forcefully. The Autobots nodded.
"Who goes there?", a short sentry called out.
"Civilians to see the execution" Rad called back.
"Oooooh. We get to see a human get killed" Optimus said sounding a little to excited.
"It's just a reenactment. They aren't using real bullets" Rad reminded the over enthusiastic Autobot.
"You come to see me kill my own brother" Shorty cried.
"What the hell are you moaning about? You hate the guy," Rad said shaking his head. Shorty shrugged.
"We got civilians come to see the execution", Shorty yelled skipping into the fort.
"Alright you folks can line up on that tree" Colonel said.
" Sir! Permission to join the execution!" Shorty asked.
"Go ahead" Colonel nodded.
"Oh happy day" Shorty skipped into line.
"You boys couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat" Shorty's brother yelled. "Especially Shorty there!"
"Ready!" Colonel yelled.
"Mama always loved me more!"
"She did not!" Shorty yelled.
"Told ya" Shorty's brother yelled, completely unharmed, before jumping in the river they'd made him stand by despite the fact everyone knew he could swim like a fish.
"Big brother! Don't leave!" Shorty cried running to the edge of the water.
"Mama loved me more" came the distant cry.
"Damn you!" Shorty cried.
"Hey aren't you the guy who stole our whiskey?" the Colonel asked Rad.
"Uhh, moving on" Rad said quickly, speed walking toward the exit.
"HE HAS THE CONTRABAN WHISKEY!"
"RUN" Rad yelled already running for his life.
"You're replacing me?" Hot Shot asked on the verge of tears.
"He doesn't whine as much" Ben said pointing at Shorty's brother.
Back to the TOUR OF HELL…
"I thought you said they weren't using real bullets?" Optimus complained.
"That was before they realized that I was the one who stole their whiskey. They're really protective of their drinks… Oh and thanks for using Hot Shot's body to shield me," Rad thanked Optimus.
"No problem" Optimus said.
"Your welcome" Hot Shot wheezed from the stretcher he was being carried on.
"You appeared out of nowhere just in time Hot Shot" Sideswipe said happily.
Hot Shot muttered something about Sideswipe he probably shouldn't have with in Blurr's hearing.
"Why is Hot Shot unconscious?" Optimus asked.
"Must of got hit harder than we thought" Blurr said nonchalantly.
"Did he have that dent before?"
"Yeah" Blurr said innocently.
Suddenly a figure cloaked in white walked across the path in front of them causing all the Autobots except Sideswipe to cower in terror.
"Nice Chucks" Sideswipe complemented. Everyone stared at him and then at the figures shoes. Sure enough it was wearing Chucks.
"The prison pen's this way" Rad said, completely ignoring the figure.
Five minutes later…
"The hospital is that way" random guard dude told them.
"Thanks" Rad said stating off.
"Back in your tent prisoner!"
Sky-byte ducked back in his tent just in time to avoid having his head blown off.
"MWHAHAHA!" Ben laughed at his latest prank. He'd setup a giant hammer that would slam into the next group that came down the path.
"Ben what are you doing?" Eris asked while polishing her spear ax.
"Taking care of the transformer problem" He said. Before Eris could question him further the next group came around the turn and triggered the trap.
Optimus and Hot Shot where both slammed back by the giant hammer and now resembled a pile of scrap metal. Sideswipe and Blurr seemed to have snuck away for some time alone since they were nowhere in sight.
"BEEENNN!" Eris yelled, sounding very pissed. She was hovering twenty feet above where the Autobots had been standing before the hammer hit them. She was also holding their tour guide, who would have been squashed if she hadn't grabbed him.
Then Ben recognized the tour guide. "Uh oh" Ben whimpered before Eris charged.
Ten Agonizing Minutes Later…
"Are you sure you're ok sweetie?" Eris asked her grandson.
"Yeah" Rad replied to his grandmother's question. "But Uncle Ben doesn't look so good" he said looking at Ben who looked like he'd been run over by a tank, stepped on by Unicron, trapped in a small room with a PMSing Megatron, and put through a meat processor.
"He'll recover... eventually" Eris said glaring at the bat. "You hungry?" She asked Rad.
"Yeah" Rad said.
"Chinese sound good"
Eris picked her grandson up and flew toward the nearest town, leaving Ben and the Autobots in a pile off to the side of the path to be mistaken for a scrap heap.