Welcome to my poem based on TPP, or The Penultimate Peril. This is your last chance to go back if you have not read book twelve or are not finished with it yet. This contains the ultimate Book twelve spoiler: The book itself, essentially! This poem describes the entire plot in Very Fine Detail. (Okay, so maybe not VERY fine…) If you do not wish to be spoiled with the plot, please click the back button and choose another fan fiction, and feel free to return and read at a later time.

The Penultimate Poem

T'was the day before Wednesday,

Where could the Baudelaires be?

Why, they're with Kit Snicket,

They're in her taxi.

Their misfortune continues from

Where we left them last,

They're headed to Hotel D.,

And they're approaching fast.

Soon Kit is chatting about VFD,

And about this "labor of love",

Another taxi closes in behind them;

Kit drives them into a shrub.

The Baudelaires walk from this point forward,

And find that they shall attend brunch.

Kit tells them of their difficult mission

As our heroes munch.

Soon they are alone and ready to go,

And are wearing their concierge disguises,

Little do they know the events that will occur,

Around the corner lurks sinister surprises.

As soon as they enter, they are hired by

The manager of the hotel,

Frank (Maybe Earnest, I'm not quite sure)

They soon are beckoned by the ringing of bells.

(At this point, the Baudelaire's story does split;

Each thing happens at the same time.

You don't have to quite read it all in order,

Any other way is just fine.)

Violet bounded upstairs to the spa,

But, to her great dismay,

She found two people she disliked intensely:

Carmelita and Esme.

Both women were wearing strange outfits

That I won't even TRY to explain.

Violet asked what they wanted;

Carmelita began to complain.

"You stupid concierge, have you no brains?

You idiotic buffoon!

You cakesniffing loser, what are you doing?

Just go fetch me a harpoon!"

Violet then ran all the way down the stairs,

To find the key to the weapon closet's lock.

As she walked back upstairs at a quarter to three,

She thought she heard the great chimes of a clock.

Klaus stepped out of the elevator's car,

What he'd do, he wasn't quite sure.

He approached the room to which he was assigned,

And saw smoke trailing out from under the door.

The door was opened quite readily

Without so much as a squeak.

Klaus saw Sir and Charles there,

Both waiting for him to speak

Of the way to the sauna. Klaus showed them the route.

Sir made Klaus hold his cigar.

Curious as to what the men were speaking about,

He held the door slightly ajar.

He heard many an interesting thing,

That is, until someone found them.

He quickly was asked to lay down birdpaper

But its purpose still did confound him.

Sunny walked quickly towards her task.

Through HER door, she heard some sharp squeaks.

She was shocked when she saw who was behind it,

So much so, that she could barely speak.

"Where have you been?" Nero roared in blind fury.

"When is dinner?" Mr. Remora sighed.

"Who are you REALLY?" Mrs. Bass queried.

"Concierge," Sunny replied.

Off to the diner Sunny did lead them;

A place that served Indian food.

Each person ordered a dish of their choice,

But Nero was not in the mood.

"Go find some napkins!" Nero ordered Sunny

(I'd say that his tone was quite rude)

Sunny raced off in hopes of observing

The preparation of Indian food.

The steam was so thick from the food that was cooking

That Sunny could hardly see.

Hal and Earnest (or Frank) were chatting quite loudly,

Sunny crept close to see what it could be.

The floorboards were creaky; the men spun around,

"Are you who we think you are?" they cried.

Sunny quickly thought up a safe answer.

"Just concierge," she replied.

In the meantime, the siblings searched for each other,

As the clock struck three loud bongs.

To the Baudelaires, though, because of their tasks,

Each strike seemed to say "wrong".

(At this point the Baudelaire's story rejoins;

In order to get the full tale,

You'll have to read normally, but if you prefer,

You could ignore this poem and go for a sail.)

Later that night, the siblings reformed,

A word which here means "regrouped,"

They checked over clues but found nothing at all;

Then they suddenly saw something swoop

Down from the ceiling and onto the floor.

Who – or what – could it be?

The person looked just like Earnest (Or Frank).

The Baudelaires wanted to flee.

"Good evening," the person said with an unreadable smile.

"Sorry I didn't show up before."

"Are you Frank or Earnest?" Violet asked the man.

"Neither," he said, walking out the door.

"My name is Dewey Denouement,"

Said Dewey, shaking his head.

"My brothers, you've met them, get all the credit

While I remain a legend!

Of course I created a guide to the method

Of the hotel's organization.

It's hidden away so the wicked cannot

Steal it using their entire liaison."

A sudden cruel laugh rang out through the night,

And the Baudelaires didn't have to be told

Who exactly was back once more,

For just his presence made their blood run cold.

Olaf stood there in the hotel doorway,

Giving the orphans a shock.

They could not speak, they could not breathe,

So Olaf continued to talk.

"HA!" Olaf laughed, "I've caught you at last!

Today's the day, I always knew

Someday you'd be caught in one of my traps

NOW what are you going to do?"

"Ha yourself, Olaf!" Violet retorted

"You're the one who's been trapped!

Dewey's recorded all of your crimes!"

"You're through!" Olaf snapped.

"You are outmatched by all my troupe members.

You're as dead as dead can be!

As soon as I've shot Dewey with this harpoon,

I'll destroy the Hotel D!"

"You'll do no such thing!" two voices shouted

That the Baudelaires had heard before.

T'was Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor

That had joined the crowd at the door.

"I'll shoot!" Olaf shouted, undeterred

By Esme and Carmelita's appearance.

"NO!" Justice Strauss said, guarding Dewey.
(She had hoped to cause some interference.)

"You don't want to do this!" Violet shouted

Now guarding Dewey herself.

"Yes I do!" Olaf shouted, slightly unsure

Klaus and Sunny joined Violet themselves.

The Baudelaires crept closer to the dangerous weapon

As Count Olaf counted to two.

"You're right," Olaf whispered to Violet

"But there's nothing else I can do."

The Count continued his countdown;

The Baudelaires each took a stand.

Soon Olaf relinquished the weapon

And Violet held it in her hands.

"What's going on here?" yelled Mr. Poe,

Making the Baudelaires jump.

The harpoon gun flew out of Violet's hands

And landed with a click and a thump.

A loud gasp penetrated the night,

But our heroes – nor the villains – it was not.

Nor Mr. Poe (and wouldn't you know it?)

Dewey Denouement was shot!

Soon a large crowd of accusing guests

Were awake. They all gathered 'round.

Because the orphans took off their sunglasses,

The Baudelaire orphans were found.

Justice Strauss then moved the trial

To Wednesday, the very next day.

But the Baudelaires just couldn't help wondering

If it was Olaf – or themselves – who would pay.

The saying "Justice is Blind"

Had taken a literal meaning.

The attendees were all blindfolded

Suddenly, Justice Strauss started screaming!

The sinister duo she had known

Pretty much all of her life.

And now they were holding her hostage,

And now at her throat was a knife.

The Baudelaires chased the two villains,

Which lead the three downstairs.

You wouldn't be surprised one bit

To hear that Count Olaf was there.

He stood in the hallway at the base of the steps

By the Vernacularly Fastened Door,

Klaus gave him the code that he needed,

Olaf shoved Klaus to the floor.

As Olaf barged into the laundry room,

He saw that his prize was not there.

The sugar bowl was nowhere to be found.

He nearly tore out all his hair.

Sunny though up a quick plan to herself

For now it was HER turn

To think up a plan and save VFD:

Hotel D must now burn.

Olaf spread the flammable cleaners,

And then threw a lit match.

The four entered the elevator,

Count Olaf closed the hatch.

The Baudelaires pressed all the buttons

(For Count Olaf they still did have ire.)

This way, the doors opened on every floor.

They yelled "The hotel is on fire!

Evacuate quickly! Get out now!

The flames will spread everywhere!"

Sunny decided to helpfully add

"No elevator! Use stairs!"

It went on this way for several more floors,

Until they got to the top.

Olaf climbed into the boat to escape,

But Violet told him to stop.

"We'd be killed by the fall," Violet said

To her long-term foe.

"We can use those paddles as oars.

Grab a towel or two – then we'll go!"

So Olaf and our heroes jumped off the roof.

(And our story is nearing its end.)

Violet used the towels as drag chutes.

But themselves they'd still have to defend.

And as they sailed away from the flames,

And Olaf glared down at them so,

The Baudelaires feared that they would

Never find a safe place to go.

And so, my friends, this poem is closed,

But keep its moral in heart:

In order to survive any ordeal,

You must be brave and smart.

But the sad truth is that the truth is sad,

This much we know is very true.

Watch yourself, for maybe someday,

A series of unfortunate events could happen to YOU.


Was it good? Did it follow the plot of the book well enough? If nothing is out there, then what was that noise? GAHHHHH so many questions! Please review!