Look Around

A/N: As always, here's another songfic. Hell, these things are my specialty! This songfic will not have much emotional weight at all, unless you listen to Blues Traveler's "Look Around." so… You know… Buy it.

Anyway, it's nice to see so many new authors in the FF8 section, but hey, it's always good to have a piece from a veteran every once in awhile :p

Seifer took a deep breath, looking out upon the seemingly endless sea stretched out before Fisherman's Horizon, the almost perfectly still sheet of beauty, glimmering in the waning sunlight. Even now, being pardoned for his crimes, released to live as he wished, and virtually cast out of the society he once knew, he still couldn't confront his own demons. Not even he could figure out what was going on inside of his head. He was a stranger to himself.

You'll get no answer from me
about what I want or what I get

He could look back on the years behind him, all the years he wasted, and he could say that he had made peace with it. He could say he put it behind him. He could say all he wanted, but in truth all he did was run. He couldn't face himself. He had run from it for so long, he had forgotten why he had done what he did.

Brave enough to speak, afraid to see
Confuse the issue till you forget

He tried and tried, to figure out what drove him to act the way he did. He was obnoxious, arrogant, and hateful, yet he had no idea why. Perhaps he was only trying to hide the fact that he was unsure of himself. He was insecure. Longing for a purpose. He coped the only way he knew how, by going into denial.

And I've tried
To finally decide
I'm in your face

To some, it seemed Seifer had been forgiven for his crimes. Sure, he had been pardoned, and supposedly wasn't punished. And yet… This didn't change the fact that he was an exile. Everyone he thought he knew, everyone who he secretly cared about, although opposed on the battlefield, had completely alienated him. He no longer existed in the eyes of those he loved. Seifer had put the ordeal behind him; it was everyone else who still held a grudge.

And if you can't already tell
I am unable to let things go
I'm told I do it very well
but more important you should know

He tried desperately to pin the blame on everyone else. To claim that it was Squall, or Cid, or seed who drove him to commit his crimes. He could say that in the wake of all the destruction he had caused, all the turmoil he created, all of the wicked things he did, that his upbringing was to blame. His life was nothing but a waste, a pitiful waste, and he could only blame himself for the mess he had caused.

That all the same
You've got no one to blame
But yourself
If you call that a waste

The pain plaguing his heart, the torment tearing his soul down to the very fibers of his being, the hate he had so long pretended to harbor, the love he secretly held within his heart, and the confusion which led him to blindly follow Edea into a world which would ruin him forever, they were all of his own making.

Cause it ain't me
that's been hurting you inside
and if you've learned
you'll know much more than I

If he were to find the answer he was looking for, to finally figure himself out, to know himself, he would have to understand that the answer could come only form searching deep inside of him, but he found himself scared at the thought of confronting the things, which kept him a lonely confused youth.

That you're gonna have to go and find it
You'll have to dig beneath the ground
You'll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
You're gonna have to look around

That was the same reason Rinoa left him. Things seemed to be going so great, and then one day she just up and left him, saying that she wanted a man who understood himself. She wasn't the first to do that, but one in a long history. As long as he was nothing more than a confused, troubled outcast, he would remain alone forever.

You'll get no answer from me
About what I get or what I want
That was enough to make her leave

She's not the first one come and gone

He didn't even care anymore. He wouldn't try to change himself just because the world hated him. He would be whom he was, and everyone else could take it or leave it, because he wasn't going to compromise anymore. The world would have to deal with his existence, one way or another.

And I don't' care
Buyer beware
Of me
Cause it might get rough

When he wanted peace, he was forced to find a rock to crawl right under. When he needed to hide his true self he would live behind a veil of arrogance. Each only held him content for a moment, but it was a contented moment, and that was enough. He didn't want a perfect life; all he wanted was to be normal. Just normal.

If you want peace then live alone
If you wanna hide then find a stage
Each a brief but perfect home
To accommodate your rage

He found himself lost in the mess of crimes attributed to his name. He didn't know what to do anymore. He would always be remembered for nearly bringing death to the world. In all that he had lost, he felt as if he couldn't possibly lose more.

And sometimes
In the midst of all my crimes
I feel lost
or have I lost enough

He could have happily patched things up with Squall and the gang, in the end, but then again it wasn't up to him. He honestly couldn't blame them for hating them, but he wanted to. He wanted to hate them for shunning him. He wanted to hate all of them, but he couldn't. He simply couldn't.

Remaining friends
remind me as they say
it's up to you
the things you throw away

Right at that moment, he made a decision. He couldn't spend the rest of his life wondering "What if?"

He had to do something about it. He had to see if they could forgive him. He jumped to his feet, and looked out upon the sea once more, before turning away. A solemn expression on his face, he immediately set out for the docks, grabbing the first boat he could find.

Some would say that his urge was nothing but a momentary impulse, but they were wrong. He had wanted to do this for as long as he could remember, but only now did he convince himself to rise and fight for his right to humanity. He would have to search deep inside himself to find the answers he was looking for, and only with help could he do that.

And still you're gonna have to go and find it
You'll have to dig beneath the ground
You'll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down

Within minutes, his boat slid into she sandy shore of Balamb. He didn't bother going to the harbor, as that would only slow him down. A smile forming on his face, and tears beginning to form in his eyes, he ran, ran, and ran as fast as he could toward Garden. Even if he didn't find what he was looking for, at least he would know the outcome.

Hastily, he burst through the front doors of Garden, his heels clicking against the hard marble floor. His feet came to a slow stop, as his eyes fixed upon the sapphire-eyed blonde casually walking past the elevator, clutching her books and exam folders. At the last moment, he caught her eye, and she quickly turned to look at him, a shocked expression on her face.

Seifer entwined his fingers behind his back, lowering his gaze, before looking up at her with an almost hopeful expression.

Her shock slowly faded, and a smile that said a thousand words began to form.

That was it. Seifer had learned what he wanted. He knew now.

You're gonna have to look around
You're gonna have to look around

You're gonna have to look around