Disclaimer: Bungie owns Halo, Nintendo owns Pokémon, and Rooster Teeth Productions are the ones that own Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles. Seriously, I think Rooster Teeth is a crazy name for a group of people making web videos, but hey, we got Monty Python, so what the hell.
Note: This is the THIRD version of RvB: The Pokémon Chronicles. You can still find the two older version somewhere around so you can see how I've improved and such. Or not.
Episode One: Lucky Zeros
(Location: A ruined base somewhere in the future)
Things were not looking good for the Red and Blue teams of Blood Gulch. Stuck in the future and in a base with a time bomb counting down to their demise.
Grif looked at the digital timer on the bomb that laid below his feet. "Oh... just two minutes left..." he moaned.
"Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic," said Sarge, the Red team leader, "But I'm ABSOLUTELY certain we're all gonna die!"
Simmons, in his usual kiss-ass way, replied with, "I think that is a totally objective assessment of the situation, Sir."
Not too far off, Donut stood with the resident Blue team members, Caboose and Tucker, the latter who was beating on a nearby shutter with his "cool thing," an energy sword.
"What if we just beat on these window shutters together?" he suggested. "We can get them open!"
"No, that would be the coward's way out!" Sarge replied. "Ruthlessly trying to escape instead of accepting you own fate!"
"But I can see daylight!" It was true; Tucker was able to make a small opening out of the doomed building.
"It's true..." the former said, not listening. "Only a miracle can save us now..."
A sudden silence washed over the group. Donut was the first of the bunch to speak up once again. "Aw man, this sucks! I didn't even get to visit Paris!"
"...we ARE screwed," Grif said somberly, the digital timer still counting down. "Horribly, HORRIBLY screwed..."
"Exactly!" Sarge shouted once again. "We're all going to die, starting with Grif! Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye! Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine."
Caboose, who was now by the sealed entrance to the building, heard a small pop, and turned around just in time to see the Blue team leader, Church, fall in from nowhere.
"Hey everybody," he asked casually. "What's up?"
"I, am so happy, that you made it in time, to die with me," Caboose replied in his unique state of mind. "We will get to be smithereens together!"
"That won't be necessary, Caboose." Church then turned his head upwards and said," Hey Gary, how yah doin'?"
As if on some strange que, the computer monitor in the upper level of the building went from the blue screen to a full black screen, which began to display green letters as a voice began to emit from it as well.
"NOT BAD. ALTHOUGH MY STATIC ION SUB-MATRIX IS A LITTLE ITCHY."
Everyone minus Church stared in awe for several seconds. They had NO idea what was going on.
"The computer can talk?" Simmons shouted.
Grif added to the statement by saying, "The computer's name is GARY?"
"HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, CHURCH?" the mechanized voice asked.
"Good, thanks for askin," replied the cobalt blue soldier. "Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb, please?"
For those who could read the digital timer, it beeped from three to two, then to one, and at the last second, displayed "OFF" on the little L.E.D. screen.
Out of anger, Sarge walked up and shouted, "Gary, you mean to tell me you could've turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say SO? And don't say I-"
"YOU DIDN'T ASK." Gary replied calmly. Sarge went on the say a few curses under his own breathe.
"Man, it is really great to see you guys," said Church. Tucker walked up next to Caboose to greet his old friend/casual acquaintance/abusive commander.
"You seem like you're in a good mood!" the former exclaimed.
"I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-"
"They COULD be worse," Caboose said, finishing his "best friend's" sentence.
"Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, they can't be any worse, 'cause that's the way things fuck'in are, and you better get use Nancy. Quit yer bitch'in."
"Where HAVE you BEEN?" Caboose asked innocently.
"You want the LONG version of the SHORT?"
Thinking for a moment, Caboose replied, "I will take the EASY version."
"Oh no, I want to here the long version," interrupted Tucker. "But can you tell me in three parts?"
(Some distance off...)
"Lopez... Lopez! Where the devil are you?"
O'Malley, the psychotic AI construct, lurked the shadows of the outer walls surrounding the ruined building. Among the rubble, he searched for the head of his mechanical minion/hostage, Lopez.
"Drat! Where could he be? His skills are necessary to my plans!"
"You know, I still say a career change is in order." The voice came from O'Malley, which belonged to the original owner of his current body, Doc. "I hear home modeling is a promising field these days!"
"Shut up, you!" O'Malley spat. "You're lucky I need you to maintain this body, otherwise I would have dealt with you already!"
"Hmm... it sounds like you have some personal issues. I'm certified in basic psychology, you know-"
"The only problem I have is when people prevent me from TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE!" O'Malley then proceeded to give his trademark laugh, while continuing his search for Lopez's head.
This, however, caught the attention of another figure in the shadows. With the madman's back facing the new being, the figure grasped the alien weapon in his right hand and slowly, ever so slowly, sneaked up behind O'Malley.
"Lopez! Lopez! I know you can hear me! Where are-"
He stopped his shouting when he felt a heavy wind on his back. Turning quickly, he came face to face with a large, alien beast with multiple jaws. The two stared at each other for a moment, neither making a move or a sound besides their breathing.
Doc took the opportunity to say something right then. "Um... hi there. I haven't seen a guy like you before!"
"Blargh, blargh blargh... honk!"
"Come again?" the Doc said, unable to make out the alien's language. "I don't think I got that..."
The alien, seemingly not happy, began to raise it's weapon up at O'Malley/Doc. The AI in Doc's head was just beginning to take back control of the body and try to defend himself. Taking back voice control, he said "Now listen, you... I don't know what you are, but if you come any closer, I'll-"
Both failed to see the burst of energy fly out of the shadows, hitting both of them like an angry warthog. They didn't even get a chance to scream before both man and alien fell down, unconscious. An armored boot stepped into view and rested on top of Doc's chest.
"That takes care of both of you morons... now, for phase two..."
(Five minutes later)
"Well I didn't, Caboose, I DIDN'T try to save me, I DIDN'T try to save Tex, and I SURE as hell DIDN'T make MILLIONS of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from going off!"
"Oh." Caboose looked at his commander for a split second before continuing. "BECAUSE that was my next suggestion..."
"Leave me alone, Caboose!" Church said with irritation. "I didn't want to mess with the timeline!"
"Time... line?" Caboose huffed before saying, "Time ISN'T made out of lines... it is made out of circles. That is WHY clocks are ROUND."
Nearby, Tex, Church's ex-girlfriend turned freelancer, continued to stare at Tucker's sword and said, "Man, that thing is really shiny."
"Yep," agreed Tucker. Church turned to him with a look of worry, or as much as a look you can get when wearing a one-way visor.
"Tucker, man, I still think..." Church took a quick breathe. "The computer told me that thing is a very important relic from some ancient culture. Don't do swinging it around like that."
"Yeah? Well I think it's just a kick-ass piece of BLING, and who are you going to believe, me, or some super-smart-stupid talking computer?"
"...I think the answer to that is obvious, dumbass."
Tucker huffed before saying, "Your just jealous because you don't get to hold it!"
"..." Church sighed and shook his head back and forth. "Tucker, I'm only gonna say this once: you, are a goddamn idiot."
"I thought Caboose was the goddamn idiot?" Tex interjected. A small whimper came from Caboose, even though no one really cared. In fact, no one was really paying attention to him at all.
Or even the Spartan-sized figure that was even now running silently into the base.
Gary took note of this and responded to intruder. "HELLO? WHO ARE YOU?" Gary inquired.
"Hello Gary," the mysterious soldier replied, walking up the ramps to the control console. "I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to have to mess up the generator flow here."
"I WOULD NOT DO THAT. AN IMBALANCE OF THE GENERATOR POWER FLOW COULD RESULT IN A CATASTROPHIC MELTDOWN."
"Exactly..." the figure replied. "Oh and before you say it, no, I am NOT the Great Destroyer."
"Um, excuse me..." The figure looked up in surprise and turned to face the pink armored Donut. "I don't think you're suppose to be here. And I'm pretty sure you weren't around Blood Gulch or Sidewinder with us before-"
It was then a strange purple rifle was shoved right into Donut's face, scaring him shitless. The private took a good start as his attacker, a Spartan class soldier just like him. Except his armor was a dark navy blue, his helmet had two fin like structures growing on the sides near the back, and his shoulders sported a symbol of a halo surrounding a sharp sword.
"Now now, Private Franklin Donut..." the Spartan said slowly. "I wouldn't want you to do anything stupid now, right?"
"Er, look, Mister Blue guy, I don't want any trouble-"
"Then that's good news! Neither do I." That's when the navy blue Spartan knocked out Donut, then turned back to the control console.
"DON'T DO IT. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ESCAPE IF A MELTDOWN OCCURS."
"Oh, go blow it out your USB port, you silicon-based shit head." Typing in a few codes, he blasted the console with a shot from his alien rifle. Quickly, he ran to the upper exit of the base, avoiding the sight of incoming Red and Blue squad members.
"Sweet jimminy jibblets!" shouted Sarge. "What happened to Donut?"
"Someone knocked him out!" Simmons checked over Donut's armor, seeing a big crack in his visor. "Alright, somebody better explain this!"
"Don't look at us," Church replied. "We just heard some shooting and ran in here."
"Uh-oh." The soldiers looked up to see Tex looking at the main control console. "I think we may have a problem here."
"No shit!" Tucker shouted. "Ever day something bad happens! Except that's it's different every day! Big whoop!"
Slowly, the spinning of the generator began to increase, and the energy sparks coming off it becoming larger. Caboose was fascinated by this display.
"Look! Church! It's a light show!" Church moaned and ran up to the console surveying the damage. He tapped the blank screen and said:
"Gary, are you okay? What happened?"
"C-CHURCH, GENER-RATOR-OR MAL-MALFUNCTI-TI-TION. MELTDOWNNNNN IN PRO-PRO-GRESS."
"MELTDOWN?" shouted Grif. "Oh come on! We just avoided death a few minutes ago, and now we're going to die anyway? This fucking sucks!"
"Well... we had a good run, men." Sarge turned to Simmons and Grif, while Donut still laid on the ground knocked out. "At least we'll die knowing, that we took the Blues with us as well!"
"What?" yelled Tucker. "Fuck you guys, I'm running for my life!" He turned to escape, but was stopped by the high pitch whine of the generator, now spinning at insane speeds.
"GEN-GENRATOR OUTPUT-PUT-PUT CRI-CRITICAL. MELTDOWN-N-N-N IN TEN SECONDSSSS..."
"Aw crap..." Tex complained. "This is the last time I help you pricks out with your problems."
"You know what, Tex?" Church walked next to his ex-girlfriend. "I hope in rot in hell, you lying, stealing, cheating and overall asinine psycho bitch."
Tex was taken aback at Church's words. "What the hell did you call me?"
"You heard me, you goddamn cow. And to think I actually thought about marrying-"
"MELTDOWN IN PR-PROGREEEEEeeeeeessssssss..."
Caboose, in the few nanoseconds before the inevitable, said the sum off nearly everyone's thoughts at that moment. "Well... this doesn't look too good."
(INSERT SUPER-STRONG KICK-ASS EXPLOSION OF ARMAGEDDON HERE, EQUAL IN POWER TO THE DESTRUCTION OF PLANET ZEBES AT THE END OF SUPER METROID PLUS THE DESTRUCTION OF PLANET NAMEK AND PLANET ALDERAAN. IT'S REALLY, REALLY BIG.)
Yes, another rewrite of my crossover series. It seems that watching the new RvB season has changed my ideas somewhat, so I had to try again. Note that this has dialogue from the REDUX version of RvB: TPC, and I omitted Lopez as well. Besides, I think his lines were not that accurate (I used Bablefish, despite having taken Spanish for several years in school). Anyway, the next episode will actually introduce the Pokémon cast, and give a hint on the big question that RvB fans (probably) are saying all the time: whatever happened to freelancer Wyoming?
Next Episode: Strange Land, Stranger People