Once upon a time, there was an old man. This old man liked to manipulate people. He pissed a lot of people off doing this.
One day, the person he liked to manipulate the most decided to fight back, and stole the old man's lemon drops.
Albus Dumbledore, for this was the old man's name, was very upset that his lemon drops had gone missing, and so he sent out a group of people to find them.
Unfortunately for him, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall were also some of the many people he liked to manipulate on a daily basis, and so they decided not to search very hard.
Due to some random accidental magical miracle type thing, they came across Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Seamus Finnigan, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini and Draco Malfoy while not searching.
The seven teenagers were sitting on the grass by a river. Blaise and Pansy were playing chess, Seamus and Draco were just chatting, while Hermione and Harry were sharing a book. Ron was sitting on his own, throwing rocks into the river. As they approached, the four heard Harry tell him off for it. Ron sulked.
Harry spoke up first. "You guys look like you're, well looking for something. Can we help you in any way?"
Remus shook his head, laughing. "I'm afraid not, Harry. You see, we have been sent on a quest to find Albus Dumbledore's lemon drops."
"But as we aren't exactly fond of the old coot," Severus continued. "We have decided not to search very hard."
"Why, that's too bad!" Hermione told them with a smirk. "We do, in fact, know exactly who stole the lemon drops."
"And we know where they are now," Seamus added proudly.
"You do?" Minerva asked, sounding disappointed. "Then that means our quest is at an end, and we must return to the barmy old codger."
"Not at all," Draco corrected with a mysterious smile. "For there is no way that you can return the lemon drops, and I doubt that you would want to tell old Dumbledore that Harry and myself stole his candy."
Draco was, of course, correct. None of the four questers could bring themselves to hand the two boys over to the old man for judgement.
"Then what are we to do?" Sirius asked. "I mean, sure, we don't like him, and we were planning to take a while, but he's going to get rather annoyed with us should we return sans sweets and culprits."
Six of the teenagers exchanged looks, while the seventh looked on in confusion (for him, this was not an unusual state).
Several nods later, Pansy spoke up. "We have decided that you can take one of us to the Headmaster to face his wrath, but you cannot take any lemon drops back."
There were four nods in agreement.
"Take one of us back?" asked the baffled one. "Who, though?"
Blaise and Hermione both laughed as they replied in delight, "You, Ronald!"
And indeed, the four quickly bound and gagged the redhead, watching in amusement as Harry, Seamus, Blaise, Draco and Hermione danced around in delight.
Pansy smiled at the adults, ignoring the muffled protests from behind the gag. "We wish you well on your journey, and we thank you for ridding us of this pest."
Severus gave them all a sweeping bow. "You are most certainly welcome."
And so, Ron was dragged back to Hogwarts Castle, where the old man Dumbledore awaited his sweets.
He was soon very disappointed, but merely sent the four questers on their way, having decided to interrogate the prisoner alone in order to find his candy.
Sadly, this interrogation revealed the truth to Dumbledore. He and Ron decided to gang up and take down those evil candy-stealing bastards.
Back at the river, the six remaining teenagers had been joined by the four adults, who had decided to break free of Dumbledore's manipulations.
They hadn't been there long when, in a flash of bright light, the Dark Wizard Voldemort appeared, along with his henchman Lucius Malfoy.
Lucius immediately smiled at his son and dropped onto the grass by Severus, who raised an eyebrow at him.
Harry stood up. "Hello Voldie. What brings you here."
The beleaguered Dark Wizard sighed. "Hello Harry. And haven't I cautioned you against calling me Voldie?"
"Well, yes. But since when do I listen?"
The Dark Wizard looked angry, and Severus, Sirius, Remus and Minerva, who had not witnessed such an encounter before, looked on in fear.
Voldemort, however, just rolled his eyes, removed his imposing cape and joined them all on the grass. "I am here to warn you, Harry. That old fool Dumbledore and that irritating red-haired pest you finally managed to get rid of have decided to launch revenge upon you."
This statement was not met with the worry that Voldemort and Lucius felt it deserved.
In fact, the six teenagers and four adults burst into laughter.
Lucius sighed. "They don't seem to care, my lord," he said needlessly.
Voldemort glared at him. Lucius smiled innocently. Voldemort sighed once again. "I understand that this doesn't seem like a big thing now, but you'll regret laughing instead of planning when they arrive and kill you all."
Harry calmed down, but was still chuckling slightly as he answered. "I'm afraid, Voldie, that you have no idea what you're talking about. Dumbledore has always derived his powers from his lemon drops, which we stole and disposed of. And Ronald Weasley doesn't pose a threat to an ant, let alone any of us. I believe that we shall be fine."
"Nevertheless, I would feel much better if I knew you were all safe."
Harry frowned in consideration. Suddenly he smirked. "I believe I can allay your fears, Lord Voldie. In fact, I would like to set a trap for our aspiring villains..."
Several hours later, Dumbledore and Ron came upon the now alone Harry at the river, oblivious to the danger they were in.
"You!" cried the old man. "You, Harry Potter, have stolen my lemon drops and cast this poor child to my mercy in your place. What have you to say for yourself?"
Harry gazed at them wide eyed. "Sir, I'm afraid I am unaware of what you accuse. I could never, would never, steal your sweets from you. And Ronald is my closest friend."
In the face of Harry's acting, Dumbledore found himself doubting his newfound accomplice. "Have you been lying to me, Ronald Weasley?"
The redhead rolled his eyes and showed a rare moment of intelligence. "Of course not, Sir Dumbledore. Harry, as I warned you previously, is a master of lying. He is trying to trick you."
Harry pouted at his once-friend. "Ron, you wound me."
"I'll have no more of your lies, Harry Potter!" Dumbledore bellowed.
The teen in question shrugged. "Oh well, I wasn't expecting it to last long anyway."
At that moment, he snapped his fingers and sprung his trap.
Dumbledore and Ron were confused. "What have you done, child?"
"Who, me?" Harry asked innocently. "I have merely ensured that your meddling ways, and Ron's spying problem, will no longer plague this world."
The old man looked terrified. "How?"
Harry gave them a small, triumphant smile. "You'll see."
"Harry!" Ron yelled.
The other teen grinned. "Farewell, Ronnikins, Dumbles."
And with that, Harry's trap was apparent, and Dumbledore and Ron met their deaths, having been squashed by a large...
"What exactly is that?" Voldemort asked as he and the others joined Harry from where they had been safely hiding.
"That," Hermione said with dawning admiration. "Is a rare type of ogre called a Dudley. How did you manage to find, not to mention kill, one of them on such short notice?"
"That, my dear Hermione," Harry told her as he linked arms with Draco. "Is a secret I am not yet ready to divulge."
She pouted at him.
Harry ignored her and turned to Draco. "So, is it all over?"
The blond grinned, ignoring the fact that his father was currently necking with Severus, that Sirius and Remus had ducked back into their hiding place, that Pansy was trying to cheer up Hermione and that Seamus had pounced upon Blaise. "I do believe it is."
"In that case, we'd best start celebrating." Smiling, Harry leaned over and his lips met Draco's.
Minerva sniffled slightly as she watched. "I do love a happy ending."
Voldemort rolled his eyes and handed her a handkerchief. "You, my dear woman, are inherently sappy." But there was a suspicious sheen to the Dark Wizard's eyes that suggested that he was just as sentimental. "And this isn't a happy ending. This is several happy endings. After all, it isn't fair to expect all five couples to share the same one, is it?"
She sighed and thwapped him around the head. "You idiot," she sighed fondly.
"Well, yes," he allowed.
And they all, somehow, despite Voldemort and Minerva's mothering, managed to live happily ever after.
I honestly don't know what possessed me to write that. I mean, I was just going to write a quick, random, death of Dumbledore fic that was maybe 200 words and I was never going to post it.
And yet here we have…this. Well, it amused me. I had fun writing it. And perhaps the thought of having my exams in one weeks time has done something funny to my head and made me write seriously weird crap like this.
Meh, anyway. Please review, let me know that you have deemed me insane and all…